Hmm :)

Hmm you know,



At this rare free time of mine during my JC period,
I decided to blog something and before that, I schemed through my old blog posts.


Early this year,
I was in such low mentality,
Heartbroken, crushed inside, bloodbath everywhere.
It felt like the end of the world.



But who knew,
After that, and another similar experience,
I finally got to make myself frozen.
I mean, look at me now,
I don't feel any emotion towards the things that I always wish for in life;
To find myself the love of my life.


Who the fuck needs that?
Of course, once in a while, I will look around in the streets and see couples around, and wish I could be like them.
But meh, I always manage to brush it off.
My feelings is now null.
Even when a lot of my close friends now have girlfriends,
Nope, I'm not in the least bothered.
Heck, I don't need any of it.


I'm a lone wolf.
I'm a cyborg xD





Okayyyyy

I just finished looking through some photos from the past,
And of course, some precious text messages that I kept track from her.
Oh well,
It brings back the good old days.
Made me smile again.


But of course,
Even I know better that it was just like a dream.
Beautiful things that you experienced are mostly unreal.
'Cause sooner or later, you still have to wake up.
And that's when you find that reality isn't ever gonna be as good as you wish.


Well, I'm somehow numb to the pain now.
The emotion can't kill me.



I'm indifferent, unaffected. :)

I need someone to complain.


Fuck seriously.

What kind of CCA tortures their members with trainings so hardcore?
SO FUCKING HARDCORE.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS IS STILL A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT.


You see,
We train 3 days a week
And TWICE A DAY.
FUCKING TWICE.

A few kilometres run in the early morning.
And a hardcore training in the evening.
Super fucked up.
Who the hell can train properly under these conditions, much less building your fitness.
And the rest in between training is just ONE GODDAMN DAY!!!!


FUCKING MISTAKE
IT'S A FUCKING MISTAKE TO JOIN BASKETBALL IN NJ.
Okay, maybe a sports CCA.
BUT NO TEAM WILL TRAIN TWICE A DAY IN THIS PLACE.
I'M FUCKING SURE.

HOW THE FUCKING FUCK AM I GONNA SURVIVE NEXT YEAR ACADEMICALLY IF TRAININGS ARE LIKE THIS?
SERIOUSLY, FUCK.
I REACH HOME AFTER TRAINING NOW, AND IN NO FUCKING WAY I WILL BE ABLE TO WANNA TOUCH NOTES.
AND NEXT YEAR IS MY FINAL YEAR.FUCK.
FUCK!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!


Should I fucking quit?
Or wait?

Almost there.

Time flies so fast I didn't realise it's about a year before I enter university.



With my dream on the way I hope, a faculty of medicine.



It's just a little bit more.


One more year of hardcoreness and that's it.


My dream; achieved, or not.



I don't care.



I've got to graduate well from NJ,

With 4 A in A Levels at least,
With good testimonials, by NJ Basketball and NJPA achievements [oh fuck, the bulk of the business]
And of course with good reputation.




I have to become a doctor.
First doctor ever, in my family and its branches, as far as I know.

The vicious cycle

I guess what people have been saying about the vicious cycle is true.


You first met as a stranger,
Slowly you became acquaintances,
And then you turned into friends, good friends of course,
Before you realised, she became someone you spend most of your day with.
And of course, someone you thought of the most,
Suddenly, you realised you can't get her out of your mind, no matter how hard you try,
And as you two got even closer, you noticed that she naturally had become a part - a significant one - of your life,
But out of the blue, something just snapped,
Something happened and that, made you drift apart,
And as you got very down, and heartbroken,
You got mad, and was determined to get over all the bad things, and even forget all the beautiful ones,
And obviously, you two started moving away from each other,
Talked lesser and lesser,
The relationship got strained to the maximum,
And of course, the level dropped to Friend level, to Acquaintance level,
And ultimately, to Stranger again.

Now you pretend as if you two have never known each other,
That she is just someone from the same school,
Someone you never met before, and think you never will,
Pretend that she is someone you don't even know exist,
And pretend that between you two, something had never even happened,
But you know, although she might have already forgotten what the fuck had ever occurred,
You know no matter how much you pretend to be okay, it somehow still gives you a sting inside just to look at her,
Even though she doesn't even know, and probably never will,
Even though she doesn't care, and you know she won't.



How peculiar.
Why does it hurt just to get a glance at a mere stranger?

A lone wolf.

You know,

Although I'm all bubbly around people during the day,

Although I do enjoy the company of my good friends,

Although I look like a very sociable person,


At the end of the day, before bed, I have this feeling,
That I want to be a lone wolf.

Seriously, no one can really understand me.
Maybe except for God.

But on this Earth, I like being on my own now.
I'll survive alone.
There are too many disappointments.


To my parents, I'm just a son studying overseas,
Who would some day make them proud and get a life on my own,
Who would be a helpful, caring, protective older brother who would protect and take care their delicate youngest son who is on scholarship here in Singapore.
What they didn't know is that he enjoyed the company of his friends and independence now.
I think even more that I did when I first came here.
You know what's funny, is that even sometimes they don't trust my words.
Fine! Fuck it! Keep distrusting me!


To my younger brother,
I'm a hot-tempered, unhelpful older brother whom he can't talk directly to unless through my mom.
Okay, I admit I was.
But I'm positive that I've showed him enough that I've changed already.
Fuck, whatever.


To my brothers-from-another-mothers,
I'm just some very emotional guy, who can be asked to play DoTA or basketball if I'm free, and needs to understand them and most probably, am never right when giving advices or opinions.
Fuck. I don't even open up to them anymore. They don't even know what I'm keeping inside.
Oh well, not that I open up to anyone now.


To my classmates,
They are really nice people. It's kinda fun to be around them.
So I guess in their eyes I'm the always-enthusiastic guy who may sometimes go a little bit noisy and loud, and yes, annoying.
Haven't opened up much to them.


To my CCA mates,
...Err...I'm just someone in their CCA.... I guess....
Not like I bother anyway. It's not like their group who have been damn close to each other bothers about me either.




I wonder how do I look like in God's eyes.
I've been told that I'm a beautiful son of His.
But even that I'm not sure, though I will believe I am.
I guess in the end it's only Him.


Well, surviving alone on Earth doesn't really matter.
I've been doing so, well, mentally.
And I've been quite well.



Being cyborg? I'm gonna take it a step further.
I define myself being a cyborg by controlling my own emotions and decide which to show and which not to.
But now, I guess I shall install a brand new processor, incorporating my current processor into the new one too.
The new processor will not just control the output, it can create a 'fake' output and hide the undesired emotional outputs should they go berserk and get wild.

So this will act as my second option.
If I can't find the correct emotional to let out,
A barrier to hide it all shall come to life and ta-da!
You can't see me but I can may see you!





Being alone SOLITARY has never felt so good.
I love being a lone wolf.

Cyborg's progress is...

...not good.



My progress is slowly stopping.


Instead of being more closed and composed,


Often I open up more and slowly terminating my progress into becoming a full-fledged cyborg.




I've really gotta change.
Gotta stop opening up,
Gotta stop being too outspoken,
Gotta be calm,
And gotta process my emotions.

I open up too much.


Should close the gap a little bit more.





Can't show too much emotions.



Can't say out too much words.





Why?




'Cause a cyborg don't show their emotions.

Second chance.

How foolish.

After this long,

After all my mistakes,

After all the regrets,

Only now do I wish for a second chance.

I won't take all the messages for granted anymore.

I won't take any advice from others. I'll believe in my first instinct.

I won't ask for any commitments.

I won't pursue a quick relationship.

And what else, I can only promise you to always be here for you, even if you never want it, even if you don't give a damn about it, like right now.

But oh well,

I don't think I deserve any second chance.

Not at all.

Here goes my fucking mindset again.

I just don't deserve it

Being optimistic won't do me any good.

Fuck.

I don't even know how to keep a conversation going, how the fuck am I supposed to flirt and be attractive to anyone?

I can only talk to guys.

And at most, I can only be a close friend to any female beings around.

Yeah well, that's how I always appear to be anyway.

I never win. I always lose.

Fuck it man, seriously.

I just wanna scold myself.

How can I be such a sore loser?

Loser from head to toe.

"Leadership Symposium" - as quoted by Jie Xiang,

I know I don't deserve anything from you, at all.

But just so you know,

And even though you'll never know,

Everytime the clock strikes the same number,

I've experienced 12:12, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 5:55, 19:19, and of course 11:11,

When the universe opens up to our wishes, so they say,

As much as I wish to pass my Promos,

I can't help wishing a second chance from you, dear Stone,

And of course,

That you won't get stressed up, and ace all of Promos, just like how you always wanted, and deserve it =)

In the meantime, I shall again, for the subsequent times, retreat to my abyss.

The baby steps.

I'm moving on...


Or so I hope...




It feels painfully slow...



And things around me just keep being a nuisance for reminding me of those useless, stupid, but pleasant memories.




Fuck, please, I need to move on.






Exam's most crucial now.




Nothing else shall be more important, but I can't help it, again and again.

Die, feeling, die!

Fuck

Miss you again

Lame I know.
Damn stupid.
I feel like banging my head on the wall, but always end up banging my fists instead.

To dear freaking feeling,
Just die, will you?

The unrequited one.

Yeah it was quite a ride.

I should have woken up to my logic long ago.

No point pouring so much for someone who's not worth it.

Someone who doesn't even care you exist.

Crazy, isn't it?

Why would I be falling for someone like that so deeply?

Come on, she didn't even care.

And I didn't even try to get back up.

And that's why, as an unrequited one,

I swear I'm turning my emotion into something else.

Something much more useful to me.

I won't wish for this pain and heartache to go away though.

I hope it keeps burning, ever so strong.

'Cause now I know how to use it to fuel my ambition.

Strange.

I don't know, I just have been feeling strange about it.

I'm not sure if that's because I'm used to messaging all the time with her.

But now, whenever I am holding my phone, I can't help but thinking that it's been long since I used the Message apps.

Looking back just a few weeks ago, we were still texting 24/7.

I cannot lie. I love it. I love the feeling when we kept in touch.

Somehow talking to you has become a daily stuff for me. Even one day without it seems to be a weird day.

Oh my, I remember phrasing that sentence in my brain.

I just hoped I wouldn't have to use it.

Now I really just did.

This ache inside, I can't fathom why.

You were not yet any part of me.

We were not yet defined.

But somewhere, somehow, our lives seemed to be integrated.

And now, even after weeks of isolation, my brain, and my heart still can't let you go.

I still don't get it.

Why did you change your attitude towards me?

It was sunny and bright. Not even a cloud hovered above me.

But now, you just brought a random typhoon and hurricane to my skies.

In fact, it hasn't stopped.

This pain was not the same as I had experienced earlier this year.

I can't figure out why this feels worse.

All I know is I was blinded again.

My heart was played again.

I was the fool again.

Fucked up.

Okay. This is seriously FUCKED UP!!!!!!!

What's with my sudden emotional reflux again?!?!?!?!?!??!

Suddenly miss everything. YES EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN 2008 AND 2009.

EVEN THE HEARTBREAKS.

FUCK!

This seriously gives me a chaotic feeling inside of me.

My study plan, RUINED! RUINED!!!!!!

WHAT THE HELL MAN.

Enough with this nostalgic feeling in me.

And I need to get over Stone fast.

I miss her again.

I can only distract myself a while.

In the end I'll still think about her.

I seriously miss the time when we texted nearly 24/7.

And I can't help but feeling hurt about her sudden change of attitude towards me.

I know I'm pathetic.

But I just can't fucking help it.

I fell too deep.

Again.

I knew this was imminent.

I knew this was what's gonna happen.

From the way you talked last night,

I could feel hesitation.

And from the way you hesitated,

I could feel another end was coming.

And I woke up, greeted by a text.

It wasn't a good morning text though, like how you usually gave.

It was one explaining about how you hesitated,

How you prioritised your studies over everything else,

How you unable to put yourself in commitment,

And how you think I should know.

Thanks for that.

I wasn't surprised though.

The pain was there even before I fell asleep.

When I woke up, yes, I admit it was amplified, but at least I didn't have any shock to defend from.

I can only silently turn back, and walk away too, as she did the same.

What can I say?

It's another end for me.

Crap.

I think I'm falling in too deeply already.

Despite my effort to keep it at bare minimum.

I guess my feeling broke through my barrier yet again.

It hasn't exploded yet though.

There's still time to recover.

But if it continues, it'll be worse. That I can already foresee.

Ah shit shit.

How could a small action from you affect me this much?

Okay, for the subsequent times,

I shall say it out, loud and clear,

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

WE'R JUST FRIENDS.

THIS FEELING IS NOT REAL.

IT'S A FUCKING CRUSH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

Fuck.


I got my second head injury in my life ==



During captain's ball game today,
We were playing against OAC team. Yes, PA team vs OAC team.
As I was defending and blocking the ball from one guy on my right,
Suddenly I felt a knock on my head, and the next thing I knew, I was writhing in pain on the ground.
Fuck that asshole, seriously.
I don't wanna create trouble only.
And I can't prove that he hit me, although there were witnesses.



He guiltlessly said he didn't touch me.
The fact is that he knocked down a player once in each team they played against.
What a loser.



I couldn't stand up for few seconds, my head was giddy.
Blood keep flowing out, though the cut was small.
And thank God, it didn't hit my eye.
It was close.
I'll make him if he hit my eye. I swear.



her birthday is tomorrow.

And i don't know what to do.

Not when my head is throbbing with pain, and my heart is troubled with chaotic emotions.

Don't wanna fall again.

Is this just another crush,

Or is this gonna be real?



All I know is, I don't wanna sink too deep again.



Probably I should consider admiring in secret again.

I'm becoming too outgoing

Too outspoken

Too active

Too talkative

Too spontaneous

I need to be quieter

Be calmer

Be more cool

Be more careful

Be more laid-back

I've gotta close some of myself.

Or I'll get to meet my downfall again.

No I won't blame anyone.

It's all from me.

It's all in me.

Time to put up a bit of cover.

Never thought of this.

Didn't really notice you at first during the audition of Rock Night few months ago.

Not even after rehearsals.

Only after last week you revealed that we actually stayed in same estate.

That I started to recognise more of you.

All of NJPA, and even me, surprisingly, thought that you were interested in me.

And I thought I could try out getting interested in you too, for the fun of it.

But this wasn't what I expected.

My interest actually grew uncontrollably.

And on the day of your performance, and my backstage job, Rock Night 2010,

I encountered the decisive moment yet again.

Whether I should find a chance to get your number.

My classmate even gave me his full support.

But then,

I figured out that she was already attached.

Which means, a big No for me.

No, I'm not gonna chase someone already attached, still need to recover from the shock of previous experience doing the same thing :)

Things don't make it better that her brother is a gangster.

It will be troublesome.

And I shoo-ed off the idea of getting her number.

It's not fated again for me.

And again, I guess I'm reading too much into the situation.

Well I could kinda expect that.

A gorgeous girl like you, who wouldn't expect that you have a guy already?

What I didn't expect was me.

The feeling grew kinda strong.

Of course it's nowhere near love, no.

But enough to get myself high and thinking about it the whole day.

How long has it been since I last caught myself daydreaming about someone's smiling at me and getting happy all of a sudden?

So yeah, it's not for me again.

It's not my turn.

I only need to wait for this feeling to gradually fades.

Oh I'm sure it will.

We'll never meet again anyway.

It was a silent goodbye for me.

One thing I learnt, though.

I thought she (not this one) was the only one I can ever find suitable for me.

If I could meet someone else who can give me such strong feeling,

Coupled with my determination to burn out all the feeling of soulmate I ever experienced,

It's not gonna be impossible for someone out there to complete a missing piece of me.

What I need to do, is just to wait.

See what I can get.

No rush, no pressure.

What a loveless year.
This year, that is.



4 years ago it was always with me.
Be it in bad times, or wonderful times.
Now, it's all gone.

A family in NJ.

Finally I found somewhere I belong.





NJ Public Address.





Today I was appointed as the Training Officer for Exco batch 10/11.




After a 3days2nights camp at school.


A camp that was fun.
A camp where we all became closer.
A camp where homework and stress didn't matter anymore.
A camp where we became a family.




And when the Exco batch 09/10 handed over to us, the new batch.
I had this sensation that somehow felt like our "parents" would abandon us.
I'm afraid of the challenges as a TO ahead,
When people look up to you for technical skills expertise,
When people expect you to be the tanker of all events,
When you have to continue the legacy of a legendary TO like DongLum.




And of course, when you have to balance with school work also.






But nonetheless.
I feel a family sensation.
Unlike basketball where I sometimes feel left out.
In PA, I never feel left out, at all.






Just after the camp, I have this "campsick" feeling, similar to "homesick" again.
Coupled with the feeling of being "abandoned" by the seniors to be on your own.







I'm happy,
And yet I feel so screwed.

Forgotten, but not forgotten.

Dear bloggie

This page looks forgotten
But don't worry I haven't and I never will xD


I haven't been able to forget her though
After all my attempts
But probably she's forgotten about me
And this page we used to share with, partly.



Things were going rough between her and the guy
But well, it seems that they're okay now.
And somehow I'm glad
Although it hurts to me,
But as long as it's what's best for her, I'll gladly abide.



All I can do is to wish her all the best, as always.
And meanwhile, I need to get over it.

This feeling's like a tree
My heart's like the ground
My brain's like a woodcutter.



At first, the tree was small.
And it grew, very slowly but beautifully.
It became a good asset for the woodcutter, who took shelter under the canopy every hot afternoon.


But one day, the woodcutter was dozing off under the tree, when a storm was imminent.
Lightning struck, and thunder roared.
And suddenly, a lightning struck on the top of the gigantic tree.
The massive electric current travelled down the tree, and struck the ground just a few inches beside the sleeping woodcutter.

He woke up, shocked.

Realising the danger of the big tree, he decided to cut it off.

And he did.


But all he cut was the trunk and above it.
The roots was still there.
And the woodcutter had no idea how to remove it.
And he couldn't help reminiscing all the comfort under the tree, but at the same time the moment that had almost killed him.


It was both painful, and yet blissful.






Yes, that's what I have just realized about my feelings for her now.


I might have managed to cut the surface of it. But as long as the roots are still attached to my heart, it won't go away.





In fact, it may even re-grow...

Sometimes you just need to be alone.


It makes you reflect on things better.



How ungrateful I was for the free time I had in the past.


Now when I'm almost always full, I yearn for some soul-searching time.






Motivation, motivation.
I gotta get back it all.

Remember,
As a brother, I have to set an example.
As an eldest son, I have to bear the responsibilities of the family name.
As a human being, I need to be more responsible as I grow up.
And as me, myself, and I, I need to work like a horse to enter a Medicine Faculty somewhere on this Earth.



And for that,
Nothing else should matter.
Nothing else.
All else shall remain small part of my life.
Friends, and those who lie and keep their masks worn.
Lovers, who shall be the one to stab your heart repeatedly in the end.
Games, who could be the only thing to suck up your useful time.





The problem doesn't lie if I wanna do it or not.
It's whether I can do it.


This brotherhood I have. This bond I've formed these few years with all them...
This heart that's been yearning for you time and again...
These games that's been filling my life with colour when all else blackened it.
How could I let go?
I know it's a mere short-term happiness.
But then it's still difficult to let them all go.
[Especially the second problem]




Problems problems and problems.
Never-ending.






Only one thing to do now;


Persevere.

No I'm wrong again

I was wrong.


My feelings this time were crush only.




It was easily swayed. No it's not true.




How could I forget that this all takes time???




Turns out although I've not yearned for what's passed,
I have yet to get over the past completely.





My chest still aches everytime I remember all the beautiful things that occurred.
It aches everytime it remembers all the lies.
All the fakeness.
But it rejoices at the flowery happenings.





Time and again I was caught in a dilemma.






Oh when will this be over?

When do I start thinking of you?



I barely know you, you hardly know who I am.



We don't even engage in conversation.




But secretly, I wish I could tell you a few things.




I wish I could say,
How cheerful you look everyday.
How alike you look like Hello Panda before you got your new haircut.
How your cute new haircut made me smile to myself.
How you make draggy college hours everyday seem so much better for me.
How you make my day just when I see you laugh.
How honoured I am to be in same class with you.
How glad I am that we have met.




But that's only what I wish.
Not gonna happen. Haha. =)

Unsurprisingly, yet unbelievably true.

It's expected that I should feel this way.

Maybe should even feel on my expectation. In fact, now I don't feel as good as I expected.


But when the deja vu came,
Something which always happened time and again...
An event where I need to acquire my adoration again..
I didn't feel as how I normally responded to this type of incident.


Usually, when I try to back away, and this thing happens,
My feeling would go full force at an instant, despite the suppression I give.


But now,
Although I again tried to care and help her as much as possible,
I realised that I wasn't expecting things like how I used to do.

I treated this problem as a consultation by a mere good friend.
Without realising it, of course.


It's totally blowing my mind..



This thing,
Something which I thought was impossible to do,
Something that I thought could never happen,


Am I finally letting it all go?

What the hell?

Is this PW?


Is this merely human nature?



Or is it just me?




It's funny how good friends can suspect the other just because of the Preliminary Ideas for Project Work..
It's ridiculous how swift a trust can be broken just because of this. Just because of an idea.




I mean, what is wrong with asking casually what you are doing????




Frankly, some of my good secondary school friends were suspecting me of going to steal their ideas just because I'm asking them what topic they are doing.



First is San, then Zhongyi.

I mean, not that we don't talk before.
San and me were like best friends.
Zhongyi and I were very good friends.

And do you know what they did?





Me: Hey, doing PI?
San: Yea. >.<
Me: Lol. What topic you are doing?
San: Dun tell u, I wanna be the only one doing it.

That kinda pissed me off.
What the fuck? Good friends ask also mean stealing?
And do you even know what he did?
Malaysia-Singapore merger.

Come on!

THAT'S A FUCKING COMMON TOPIC.
THE WHOLE SINGAPORE CAN THINK OF THAT ==



And Zhongyi,


Me: Anw what topic u doing?
ZY: What topic ARE u doing?

....
What an obvious implication of a suspecting attitude...





Will Yichao, Mars, LW do this too?
Will my brothers think the same?



Well I can't say about that.
They're humans afterall.
And humans, no matter how close to others, may still harbour some seeds of distrust to others.









I'm glad to know that I'm not like that =)

At first,

I thought that no wonder I couldn't let the feeling go yet,

I've made promises and my conscience refused to walk away without fulfilling them first...



And from an excerpt of book Five People You Meet In Heaven, the woman said to the main character that when all senses die, another heightens.


Memory.



He nurtured it, he made it a medium for his love. Though the woman died long ago and he had no chance to shower her with the feeling, his memory kept the feeling alive.




"Life ends, but love doesn't."



But...
This is not what I want to happen to me.





This is the point where I'm most down.
Where I need to get back up.
The pain is making the signal for me to stop this, again and again....




But the Memory, being heightened as my logic said to move away,
Is becoming a powerful nuisance instead of tool.



I don't want what had happened to hinder myself from moving on.
I want them to be simply memories I left behind, lessons to learn from.







The thing is,
I think I'm making progress.



It's still slow, painfully slow. What with the new heart-wrenching pictures and facts that are new and coming to hazard me again.



But surprisingly, I wasn't that badly affected.
Which implies that I might have started to let it all go afterall.



I hope so.
I need to.
Even though I don't want to.....





Because I'm no longer needed.
Should I even need someone who doesn't need me? That would be kinda ridiculous, wouldn't it?









I shall just indulge myself in my own virtual land.
Digimon or whatever, I don't really care.
Virtual land is always more beautiful than reality.









Haha, for once again, I had myself imagining,

Why don't Digimon become real? :)

...

Sometimes I wonder what I really want...




For once again, my heart overcomes the power of my logical thinking.



It does what it wants, not tired at all...



Despite all the warnings it has been receiving from my mind.





Nevermind...




I'm just plunging into a deeper abyss of my mental destruction.

Another handphone note, amidst my sleepless night.

I thought I finally got over you

Since I finally had a crush on someone new.

Well I was totally, totally wrong.


How could I compare this feeling towards you with a simple crush? How could I? :)





Last Wednesday, after the class outing,
Sean asked me to join Nurul and him for an evening movie.
We met at this 'fish' restaurant.
I didn't know what to order, but then Sean followed Nurul to buy the tickets, asking me to order for him.
I was looking through the menu for a while, and texted him for what drink he wanted.
After a while without reply, I decided just to order without him.
Calling the waiter, I waited again. When the waiter came, they came back.
Nurul said sorry, but I didn't care.
And I found out that the movie started in less than 15 mins time. Sean blamed me for not ordering just now.
I said he didn't reply my text.

What he said: oh sorry, just now didn't check my phone.

It's fucking funny how he could reply Nurul in terms of seconds and not even knowing me texting him.
And did they two realise I feel like a freaking extra during the whole time with them?

And I know my crush with Nurul wasn't meant to be.

They got a chance to be together, but again, it won't be me :)




But if I thought that was the biggest problem, no that wasn't..


Guess where did we catch the movie?

Junction8. Bishan..

...
....


All my crush about Nurul, all my feeling about being a bloody extra among them, seemed insignificant.


My memory force-fed my emotion with my excruciating flashback.


It was that day.

Meeting her..
The skygarden..
The excruciating glimpse..
The lost of my mood..
The absolute zero state of my mentality..
The last time I saw her..
But just the start of another painful journey ahead..


I couldn't really feel the emotion of the movie.
I couldn't really enjoy talking to them.
The extra feeling was gone within seconds.
Even as Nurul and Sean were talking happily, all I could think about was Her.


Moreover...
I went home with the same bus as that day.. 56...
I literally writhed in pain from the moment the bus came until it passed by her bustop....



I couldn't remember when was the last time we were in contact.
But my whole day was still revolving around her...




Who cares about Nurul and Sean.
You're still my only one.
Even though this is only one-sided statement,
Even though I know you won't feel the same way about me,
I can't help it. I just can't lie.




I haven't got over you.

Which does matter?

When I met the basketball team for a soccer match against the alumni this morning,
I still couldn't help feeling disappointed for not being able to make it into the team.



On the way home, I kept thinking 'bout it.


Should I prove to myself that I'm worth being the team?

Should I show to the rest of the team that it's a regret not putting me into the team?

Should I put more effort into this passionate sport of mine?

Should I go back to how I had practiced basketball in Secondary?



But if I do so,

It means playing basketball for at least 2 hours after school every day, since this is what I did before.
It means putting 100% effort in it, and at some point neglect my studies.
Since I need to catch up with both studies and basketball skills if I wanna keep up, it's hard to juggle both == And I have to sacrifice one of them...



Fuck up.



It's okay.
A Level is all that matters in the end.
I'm never destined to be a sportsman anyway.
Just do what I can in basketball.
No need to care.
Study comes first.






But seeing all my good friends with all their talents being showcased.
Be it either dance, basketball or drama.
It makes me feel like such a crap.
A crap without even a worth of dime. Talentless.



I realised too late that I was never into basketball at the beginning anyway.
I wasn't born a sportsman.
I wasn't born an athlete.
I made into the FTPSS team was also because I had connection inside the team.
Which is the captain was Liaowei's friend.
In fact there were people who were more qualified than me.
But I was in the team.

This made me feel complacent.
Thinking that I was a qualified player, I thought I could get into the team in JC.
When actually I was like such a shit compared to them.

True, I'll most probably enter the team next year.
But everyone can train within one year to be qualified.
What makes you stand out is if you can make it since J1.

Have I chosen a wrong CCA?
Should I have taken something different instead?
Have I missed out a CCA which actually can showcase my ability?





Why was I so confident in basketball anyway?



I'm born a studious type.
A mugger.
A nerd who only knows how to study and play computer.
Even then, I'm such a shit in terms of nerdiness.
Those who have got more life outside can play computer better.
Those who have got more life outside can produce better results than me.





Why am I even born talent-less? It's better not to be brought to this world if this is such the case.














AND YOU GUYS.
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SURNAME.
CALLING IT ONCE IN A WHILE STILL LOOKS ACCEPTABLE.
BUT DOING IT SO OFTEN MAKES ME WANNA SAY FUCK YOU IN THE FACE.
ASSHOLES, DO YOU THINK IT'S NICE CALLING PEOPLE BY THE SURNAME??????
AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, MAKING IT SOUND SO FUNNY??
U THINK IT'S FUNNY????
U THINK MY NAME IS SO NICE TO BE CALLED AROUND ALL THE TIME?





If you say so, let me tell you this.
F-U-C-K YOU!

Didn't get into school basketball team, become a class committee, got 1 mark out of 10 for Physics test, can't cope with subjects, filled with procrastination to the max,



And still thinking abt her.

My heart took control of every part of me to talk to her again. It just refuses to let go. How precious is it for my heart? How much?



I know this is yet to be the worst.

"Don't run away from the troubles. Face it."

As they always say, we should face our troubles instead of keep running away from it.




And for me, it seems that running away from them doesn't solve my problems at all.





If I can't get my concepts of Physics and Maths correctly, I should wait for tutorials to start and ask questions.

If I can't play basketball properly, then practice.

If I feel a bit shocked that Juwinda is attached, face it.






If I can't get over her by avoiding, do it without running away!!!!
And surprisingly, this seems to be working bit by bit.



My Mind gave me an idea of treating her like a good friend, like Juwinda, for example.
So when we are texting, I don't need to hold back.
Just speak what I want to.
Since this is what I do to a good friend afterall.

And as a result,
I didn't really care if she didn't reply.
I didn't mind if she took so long to reply.
And this relieved some bits of the pain.





And I'm still trying my best not to be too concerned about you anymore.
I wanted to.
I just held myself back.
To tell you the truth, seeing you so depressed like this still broke my good mood.
But to prevent myself from getting deeper into this hurt and pain,
I can't be too caring.
Or you'll just make me a spare tyre again anyway, like you always do.
I'd rather not be one.
I don't wanna be played anymore.





I gotta remember not to be desperate as well.
If some girl comes along my path,
I need to remember not too rush.
Just take things as they come.
I don't wanna plunge into another period of bloodbath.
This period was already too dangerous for me to get out.
But I have to.
Or I'll be in an endless mental torture.
So better make sure I don't make the same mistake.


And anyway,
If I take the next girl as the so-called replacement, it won't be nice as well.
I don't want her to experience what I have been feeling all these times =)















Getting over a soulmate kind of person, is hard as hell, dangerous like a bloodbath, and excruciating beyond words can describe.

Finally I get my hand on this song =)

"No More"

You say we'll work it out, then you say you're having doubts.
Tell me walk away, but then you'll go insane.
Calling me day and night, saying he don't treat you right.
Then you always turn around and give him one more chance.

Baby you know it isn't fair, you'll send me to be there.
But we'd never get no-where.

[Chorus:]
I've got one foot out the door, I don't wanna hear about him no more.
I'll make along so we shall, time too make up your mind girl.
No more back and forth, I don't wanna hear about him no more.
If I'm not what you want, I don't wanna hear no more.

Stop telling me you need more time, tired of the same old line.
Better make a move or you are gonna find, are you taking it.
Cos you know it's wrong, better let him know it's time too go your moving on.
Baby you don't know how close I am to being gone.

Really known you long enough,
I can only take so much, tell me if I have you heart.
(How do you really love)
Baby you know it isn't fair, you send me to be there.
But we never get no-where.

[Chorus]

(I don't wanna hear no more)
If your sure that you really love me.
(I don't wanna hear no more)
Out the door if you still don't know.
I'll be there for you and you know it's true,
you belong to me. What you go and do (I don't wanna hear no more)
[Chorus Till End]




[ A1 LYRICS at www.AZLyrics.com ]

Merely infatuation.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Bloggie,
I was quite shocked that Juwinda's relationship status in Facebook changed from "single" to "in a relationship"




I was wrong to assume that being in girls' school she never got close to guys.



Not heartbroken or what.
But honestly I just thought we might have chance.
Since the scandal anyway ==



And since we talked recently.
And since she sounded so friendly.
And since she chose me and said "only Indonesian-Chinese can be trusted" in the game Shot-Shack-Marry.



I guess my wishful thinking got a bit too far again.




This, was surely, and confirmed-ly because of my so-called desperation.
I needed someone new to replace You-know-who.
Someone who could fill my day with happiness, someone who cares for me and I can care for.
But I guess, this isn't my turn either.



AND AGAIN,
SOMEBODY HAS GOT AHEAD OF ME.










You know what.



DAMN IT. FUCK IT. SCREW IT.








Nevermind.
I shall continue waiting.
I need to be completely empty.
A cup that is full can't be filled with something new.
As long as I haven't forgotten about her, I don't deserve the heart of someone's new.
It'll only kill me and the person at the same time, in the end.








I must clear my mind off the infatuation.
Studies come first.
So does basketball.
I need to concentrate into getting into the team.



Even though it's almost hopeless for me.
But again, I mustn't forget that
"I'm a clear-cut nearly-hopeless case when it comes to giving up chasing my dreams."
And going into NJBasketball team is my current short-term dream for now.
Scoring well for A Levels is my medium-distanced dream.
To enter a medicine faculty in a university is my long-distanced dream.
Being a good doctor is forever my final aim.






Time to work towards them.

"I'm not giving you up 'till my last ounce of strength."



"*my post on SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2009*"



"Leaving her would be a torture."




"I'm the 3rd party. The one who doesn't deserve it. I'll have to leave afterall."



"As long as she doesn't break up and choose between one of you, this is as far as you go. In the end, all your blood and tears will go to vain again. It'll only kill both of you. You'll be abandoned in the end!"




These are voices that echo through my head all the time.



Getting over you isn't as easy as we predicted it to be.



"According to Mirror-breaking Test, I could get over something like this within days."





Truth is, even after a few days without you and only with my family and friends.
The feeling, the thoughts, the pain have not left at all.
They stay within, torturing day and night.



And when I thought it was kinda easy,
It turned out that it is not.



Even as I pretend to move on.
Even as I pretend there are other 'fishes in the sea'
Even as I pretend that this is a nightmare, and when I wake up tomorrow, it's a brand new day.
Even as I pretend that you're not the one.
Even as I pretend that you don't exist in my life.




This feeling really knows how to squeeze the crap out of my life.

It's better to be like this, for now. No?

Decided that I need to make a decision.


Soon..



And I have.



Honestly, I didn't know what made my hand got a mind of its own to delete your number and all our photos.
I still don't know why I deleted your contact. It's got no effect anyway. Your texts still appear on my iSms program. So your number is still there nonetheless.
But the photo, I know why.



Looking at how we were so close in the pictures,
I feel like looking at a dream.
It doesn't even feel like a reality.
Reality is rarely kind, and frequently cruel.
Those days, where it was all beautiful, were totally a dream.
Now I feel like I'm conscious.
The harsh reality; I'd be kidding myself if I say this is the nightmare instead. I'm asleep now, and gonna wake up soon.
NO!


If I have to put it frankly, bloggie,
Our photos seemed so fake.
Their photos seemed so real.



When I looked at their recent photos,
Yes, I felt crushed inside.
The cruel reality squeezed the shit out of me.
But that was when I knew what to do for now.



Again, as I mentioned long ago.
It's a burden to adore two persons at the same time.
It won't be fair for both.
Me, as the third party, should back off, as rules stated.

I was deceived in my dreams.
I thought I'm getting closer to you, and he's getting further away.
What a denial my brain had designed for me.
Truth is, I'm never getting closer. This is the limit. This is where the progress stops.
Truth is, you two are ever close.
How do I say so? From your recent photos.
Discovered them by accident, when I was at your Facebook profile while missing you.



And you said you two don't have much hope.
YEAH RIGHT.
How bloody plenty HOPE I see for both of you.
I'm wrong for expecting more than friends between us.
And I'm wrong for misunderstanding your definition of "us".


And you said you enjoyed the pain with him.
You know what, that sounds like a total crap to me.
Humans logical mind would prevent you from taking the pain too long, like I do now.
You will take action once the pain gets to a level too dangerous for your mental state.
Okay let's say you're ILLOGICAL.
Even if you don't like the pain, you will try to keep a distance from it!
NOT BEING FREAKING CLOSE TO THE SOURCE ALL THE TIME.
NOT LOVING THE PAIN ALL THE TIME.
To put it simply, even if you can't get away from the pain, you keep a distance.
NOT FREAKING EMBRACE THE PAIN.
THAT'S THE BULLSHIT OF THE YEAR.

How do I say so?
I'm a living proof.


OR,
You dare to embrace the pain, knowing that it's for a better future.
So that shows you have a lot of hope in you two.
HOW CAN YOU SAY 'No hope maybe." ????

I JUST DON'T FREAKING GET IT.



Or, you're just lying to me, or trying to console =D
Whichever you prefer. It's not my problem anyway.




I should get away from the lies for now.
No worries, I don't hate you.
Adoration to a person doesn't change into hatred overnight =)
Nonetheless, I'll try treating as a good friend, or normal friend.
Since that's what I always am to you anyway.







Strange, I deleted your contact and photos, and yet I didn't get the feeling to block you from here.
Oh well, it's not gonna make much difference anyway.
Like hell she's gonna visit here.
No time lah =D
So block or not, it makes no freaking difference.
Well, I don't give a damn either way.

I can't stand this pain anymore.
Thats all I know.


I can't take another lie.




Although I know there's still hope,


Don't forget that I'm a human.


I ain't a Divine Being.


There's a limit to how much pain I can take.




I'm finally crumbling into pieces. =)








But the scary thing is,
I'm not sure whether I should give up or not.






I need time to cool down, and think.

Negative Side VS Logical Mind, AGAIN.

Is it my logical mind who lost all the time, or is it my negative side who always won?




Just few days in NJC, and I've made a scandal for myself. Haha.


Just because I talked to Juwinda in Indonesian, and just because I was asked to distribute her cake to you guys, you think there's something between us?
Well that was what it seemed.
I don't know whether you guys were joking or serious, but I could see she was uncomfortable afterwards.
When she asked the lunchbox back from me, she didn't really look at me.
Hopefully she wasn't irritated or what. Haha.
Because I wasn't affected at all.
In fact it made me think how fun these friends of mine are.




Moreover,
I thought this day was gonna be completely complete for me.
Meeting my bro Liao Wei was one thing.
But She asked me to meet, that was another thing.





So there I go, as usual. Happy and my heart still beat so fast for a reason unknown to me.



And when I was expecting a good time and dinner,




There attacked my worst enemy.


My Negative Side.




When we two were sitting on a bench in sky garden of Junction8,
My eyes caught a glimpse of her handphone wallpaper.




Yes, the picture that could broke my heart into million pieces and make it bleed unstoppably.



My Negative Side didn't waste this opportunity.
It flooded my whole being with pain and bloodbath.


My Logical Mind tried hard to get an upper hand in this battle, replacing my Positive Side which has been beaten to near-death condition.


But tried as it might, it lost the battle ultimately.

Once again my Negative Side took control of me, despite my Logical Mind's attempt to push the thought of 'it's normal, don't get so screwed up, Kevin. You can win this.'.


All of a sudden, I lost my appetite.
Although I was not so hungry, I had planned to have a dinner.
All of a sudden I got lethargic and sleepy.
Even though when I met her I was kinda excited.
All of a sudden I got the urge to punch a wall again.
When she was in a phone call, I knuckled the side of the playground station nearby.
My knuckles got the pain back, and my elbow's nerves hit the wall too, causing a numbness effect on my right arm for a few seconds.
And fortunately, it did release some mental pain inside me, A LITTLE.



I knew this could happen.
I knew this feeling was gonna hit me.
I knew this is what I deserved from the start.
I knew she's gonna do this to me.


But time and again,
I find it hard to let it go.
I find it hard to stop harbouring some hope.
I find it hard not to adore you.



Maybe we shouldn't talk for a while.



I need some time to cool down.

I need time to think.



I need to get my head cool, and think this through.












I wanna punch something again.







Anyway, what Liaowei said is true.
I'm the 3rd party anyway.
I should be the one who's supposed to fuck off right?
Feeling pain is a risk I'm taking all the time.
So I need to go away.
Yes, go away.




Far, far away.

My heart's shoutout.

I know my heart's been screaming about this all the time.



It's just that I can contain it most of the time...







Not this time.





No matter how patient my heart is, it needs a relief once in a while.
So I'm gonna tell you what it always shouts amidst the darkness of my emotion.




Here I go.




"
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU HAPPY MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A SLAVE?


HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN CHAINED BY YOU?
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU ASKED ME TO WAIT?


HOW FUCKING LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU STOP TORTURING ME? WAIT, HAVE YOU EVER NOT TORTURED ME?


YOU WANT ME, HIS HEART, TO BE ONLY FOR YOU, ONLY THINKING OF YOU, ONLY BELONG TO YOU. NONE OTHER SHALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO CLAIM FOR IT.


You? HAHAHA.


YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO GIVE SOME FRACTION OF YOUR FEELINGS TO THIS HEART THAT NEEDS TO SERVE YOU.
YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME A SLAVE OF YOU.
THIS HEART CAN GO NOWHERE, SO YOU USE THIS CHANCE TO TRAP ME HERE, WHILE I'M BEING TWO-TIMED.


I'M GONNA DIE SOON YOU HEARD ME?!


HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME WAIT?


HOW MUCH MORE PAIN YOU WANNA INFLICT UNTIL YOU GET SATISFIED?


HOW MANY MORE SCARS ARE YOU GONNA MAKE UNTIL YOU'RE HAPPY?!


WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HEAL ME?


YOU ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM THAT I'M THE ONE AND HE'S NOT.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE.
Yet in the public eyes, IN MY FUCKING EYES, YOU ARE THE MOST COMPATIBLE COUPLE IN THIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD.



DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A SHIT.


WHO'S LYING NOW HUH.
YOU? HIM? THE REST OF THIS FUCKING WORLD?



EITHER ONE OF YOU IS LYING. I CAN SEE IT SO FREAKING CLEAR.



DAMN CALL ME A FUCKING IMMATURE CHILDISH HEART IF YOU FUCKING FEEL YOU NEED TO.



CAN YOU JUST CHOOSE ONE?! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING PRISONER WILL YOU?
I'M DAMN STUCK BETWEEN TWO SIDES.




DAMN!

"

Okay, end of shoutout :)
My heart is satisfied for now.
It'll let itself to get controlled by my mind.



And I believe he won't get so fucked up for a while now. Haha.

Is what they said true?

My brothers have told me thousands of times.


"Ask her out lah. Must go out with her once in a while, if not the relationship can never grow, much less keep the feeling."



I never believed that.
I always believe that we can keep it just by constant communication..


I've been proven wrong today...




She said she was in Toa Payoh today to alter her skirt.
And out of sudden she invited me to eat dinner with her...
Of course I agreed, I have to get my food outside anyway.


And for no apparent reason,
My heart still beat so nervously.
I was a bit sweating.
It was like as if that was my first outing with her.
Although I've known her for long time.


It was enjoyable indeed.
Not only the dinner.
We caught up with some things.
And I was really glad I could see her again.
Despite me having said to myself all the time "This is nothing, Kevin, nothing much. Don't get too happy."
I am REALLY happy ==


And when we parted,
There was this lingering feeling.
And it was the same feeling everytime we said goodbye.
And then it occurred to me that meeting up really re-strengthened the loosening bond.
I haven't missed her so much until now.
And the last time I felt this way was few months ago.



Well.
Nonetheless, I still gotta get used to this.
As I said to her and myself just now.
"We, having met today, is a miracle."
Although we both laughed afterwards, I meant it.
Who would expect it?




Who would ever give me this kind of painful-now-yet-beautiful-eventually feeling?



I guess I just can't fall for any other girls.
None other.

"I can't promise you I won't stay together with some other, but I can assure you that you'll still be the first in my heart."





Bloggie, does this look proper?



....

What's wrong? Nothing.

It's just few days apart.

And this is where it ends up.


You don't wanna talk? Or you're sick?
Fine. Just don't talk then.
I don't know what's your excuse.
You don't even say, how would you expect me to know.



At least I still bothered to reply, even if it was very late.
Even if I was not very concentrated, as I was in my OG activities.
At least I showed I bothered to reply, to make an effort.


But nevermind.
I HAVE TO understand you.
I can only be patient.
Just take things as they come.
Just take pain as it attacks.
Just take the troubles as it pierces through my mental wall.



NEVERMIND.
IT IS OKAY.
I MUST BE PATIENT.
EVERYTHING HAS ITS REASON.





Anyway..
Just my thinking or what, probably is just my thinking.
There's this girl from my OG group, which started talking to me after a while.


After we played a game where we both as a pair had to deliver a ball stuck in between our foreheads and our hands each on our shoulders,
Somehow..I dunno, she just seemed to have this interest in me.
After the wet games were over,
Keziah and Haoqin were talking on their own.
I was not far from them, she, Joyce, wasn't too.
I caught her staring at me a few times.
And she seemed to be slowly, gradually, edging towards me.
And I wanted to talk as well, but only few words came out ==


During next game,
The OG played a game where we needed to slap without screaming OUCH or something like that.
I was next to her.
I slapped her slowly, but the marks were still there.
And she took the liberty of taking revenge on my leg. ==
And after the game, I checked on her about it, and apologised.
She just gave this sarcastic attitude as if she was angry.
I knew she wasn't.


Well.
THAT WAS JUST MY WISHFUL THINKING.
Her interest may be nothing more than a friendly attitude after all.
Haha normally when I think like this, nothing is gonna happen.


So yea, My Current One is still safe for now =)
Changing my feeling? Ain't gonna happen.











P.S. I don't know why I still sacrifice so much for you, when I don't even see any effort from you.... And you said long-distance requires effort from both sides... NEVERMIND! xD








P.S No. 2.


I don't wanna get in touch with newer ones, for you.
I don't wanna be involved much with them, for you.
I don't ever wanna give them much space in my mind, for you.
I don't ever wanna try getting closer to them, for you.
All these, for you.
I've not done what you asked me not to.

But,
Have you stopped getting in touch with SOMEONE, for me?
Have you stopped getting involved with SOMEONE, for me?
Have you tried not to give SOMEONE much space in your mind, for me?
Have you tried not to get closer to SOMEONE, for me?
All these, never for me.
You've done all the things I don't wish you to.

You wish for me to always be there, while you're not always so for me.
You ask me not to leave, yet you possess the risk of leaving me anytime for SOMEONE.
You hope that my feelings stay to one and only you, yet your feelings for me is just a dividend of your feelings for SOMEONE.
You've received all my best, while all I get is never a complete piece.
You've been always my first, when I'm actually your second.






Nevermind.
Good night, bloggie.

Officially separated, physically.

We were officially separated, and went to different path of life now.


Different JC, that is.

But I promised that we will still be we.


Hopefully we will be.



After thinking how horrible I felt about my first day in NJC today,
I suddenly thought about the good old days in FTPSS.


I miss all the fun with my brothers.
I miss the laughter in class.
I miss all the jokes we made and shared.
I miss all the times with them.


Also,
I miss the first day I saw her.
I miss the day we became close friends.
I miss the day when I first confessed to her.
I miss the day we first had lunch together.
I miss the day we first spent time on the bridge behind her house.
I miss the day we first stood under one umbrella together.
I miss the day she said "I miss you" for the first time.
I miss the day she called me a soulmate.
I miss the day I first lied my head on her shoulder.
I miss the day we first hugged.
I miss the day when I really felt cared and loved.




But I told myself afterwards.
That was all in the past.
Only our future awaits in front of us.
The brotherhood can be made stronger,
And definitely I hope there'll be something new to look for between me and you.



So I guess I shouldn't feel so bad.
I could have made up my to be forward-looking instead.
And in the meantime,
All I can do for her is to be there everytime.

Same old brand new dilemma

Another same old brand new dilemma.


She cant choose between one of us, or so it seems to me now.

But sooner or later, I know it won't be me. I'll be abandoned.
She'll go with him afterall.


Should I move on, trying not to try anymore?

But if I give up now, it's still not the end yet. I may get different result.

Yet the outcome seems crystal-clear now.

She'll not be with me in the end.
It looks too much for her to give up the future Security for Happiness.
Yeah yeah yeah. To her I'm "a short-term Happiness. We won't spend the rest of my life together. No, not even the slightest chance of it."


...

And so my brain shouts, "What are you waiting for?! Move on!"


But this is what I am.

I'm a clear-cut near-hopeless case when it comes to giving up in chasing my Happiness.


On one side, I don't wanna give up trying as long as I could make out the tiny glimpse of hope in front of me.

On another side, my soul is starting to get weary after all the daily mental tortures.

And my Negative self can't wait to give her an ultimatum.
For her to choose one, once and for all.
For me to get all, or nothing at all.
But..
BUT..
This childish action, is totally not preferable.
It'll only show her, to the world, and to myself how immature and hot-headed I am.

After all, one of my resolutions this year is to keep calm and cool-headed in various situations.

Calm down calm down.
I know I'm just exhausted after having to make the decisions regarding moving house and the transport+study/nap plan shld I get a far-far-away JC.


Haha to some people this is tiny matter. Like an annoying flying insects which require just a little squash to get rid of.

Why do I make it sound so big and troublesome.

What an immature seventeen-year-old creature I am.
Other homosapiens my age have learned to sharpen survival skills.

Me?
A spoiled brat who needs to rely on others to help.


Noob. Suck.

An update after long.

I've not been updating regularly huh..

Life has been busy for me, bloggie.

Not that I have a lot of things to do.
It's just that I feel very pressurised, mentally.
I'm in a period where I don't have a permanent place to stay, currently.
This feeling of having to keep moving from one temporary place to another, is just slowly screwing me inside out.
And while I need to find one urgently, my parents seem to be very relaxing.
They want a really, really cheap room, yet not appear too rushed.
But damn it, I NEED to rush in finding a place soon...
They keep saying their doubts if my JC will be far from my place-of-stay, bla3x...
But I don't care. I've already thought of a plan, and told my mom too.
If I didn't manage to enter NJC, at most I'll bear 6 months before finding a new place.
Or I can bear studying in the bus during my journey to and from school.
Heck, I can even take my nap.
So I totally think that this decision of mine wasn't impulsive. Because I really have thought it through!

And about her,
Again I'm being torn apart by my own Mind and Heart respectively.
Can they work together just for once and not conflicting all the time?
My brothers have advised me to just find a New One soon. They said without going out and spend time together, we can never make it through.
My Mind totally agreed.
We've never gone out together.
I've never asked, knowing what she would answer anyway.
No.
Yep, that's what I usually get.
Especially if I say there'll only be two of us.
Knowing my brothers, they'll say no if I ask them out with her.
And which other girl do I have available to ask to go out? -.-

My Heart, however, said otherwise.
It always sings me a lyric from Westlife song, Swear It Again, one of her favourites, and mine too.
"And all of the people that we used to know, just giving up they wanna let it go, but we're still trying.."
True.
Liao wei and Mars both gave up and let go of Yy and Stacy respectively.
Me and her? Still trying.
Just by communicating, yes, virtually.
I feel that it's still possible to get better, but to what extent, I don't know.
Sometimes, some things that need to be communicated get screwed up because she either doesn't wanna talk about it or she feels it's not the right time to discuss them.

....

Usually two people have to spend time together often to keep the feeling on its peak.
I don't know about her, but my feelings stay on top performance just by communicating virtually with her.
I can feel that we're different from other couples.
In the span of 2 years plus, the number of times we go out together doesn't even reach five.
Yet our feelings remain quite strong, and hopefully still growing.
[Please, don't let what I say here be just my imagination. I hope the feeling's strong for real...]

Nonetheless,
There's a voice coming from my Mind's direction.
It keeps screaming something, which I have tried hard to ignore but to no avail.

"As long as she doesn't break up and choose between one of you, this is as far as you go. In the end, all your blood and tears will go to vain again. It'll only kill both of you. You'll be abandoned in the end!"

I tried to turn both a blind eye and a dead ear to the shout.
But the more I ignore, the harder the phrase shoots through my senses.


Unfortunately, I can't deny that it sounds painfully right.....

Let Destiny does his job.
If he wanna support me, he'll show the way.
Likewise, if he means to drill some more holes in my chest, he surely will.

It's been long, right?

I believe I haven't got in touch with you for quite long, bloggie.


As usual, my feelings were in a flux again.



Few days ago I turned to be quite emotionless about this stuff that has been going inside me.
About her and everything else about her.


I didn't really care anymore.
I didn't care what she wanted to do.
I didn't care who she was with.
I didn't care who she wanted to be.
I didn't care about what and how she was feeling.


I don't mean 'didn't care' in a bad way here.
It was just that I wouldn't get the urge to punch the wall if my emotions fluxed at the mention of her.
I was calm.



Now I am not, anymore.
The calmness starts to fade.



My emotions were again in a whirl.



Just minutes ago before she went to sleep, we talked about whether she would forget her old friends, despite her not wanting her friends to forget her.

And for some unknown reasons, I typed what I really was feeling;
That I felt neglected by her.


I denied it at the end, that maybe this was just due to my selfish attitude, so I feel neglected.
I don't know if it really is because of my selfishness or it really is like what I said.



But I do feel this way.
This is one of the reasons why I left an invisible scar on my knuckles.
They can't be seen, but the pain can be felt everytime I touch it.


But let this serve as a painful reminder to me,
Together with the bookmarked Facebook notes that she has written.

This will serve as a reminder for me not to be too good too quickly, or I'll just be a spare tyre.
This will serve as a reminder for me to choose someone carefully before falling in love. But oh well, falling in love is not an option. It is destiny.
This will serve as a reminder for me not to get controlled by my own emotion. This is of the utmost important.









This is funny, I just wrote not to punch wall.
Now I wanna bang the wall in front of me.
=_=





Even though I didn't care.
My feelings didn't change the slightest bit.
Still going strong, still flaring.
While I think her feeling to me compared to this is just a candle light. Haha.


Nevermind, adoring someone doesn't mean she has to adore me as much as I adore her.
I can still watch her and someone else from their backs, wishing happiness for her and smile as she smiles happily.




Though it may not be me who makes her happy.

One more note.

This time, on the wee hours of 31/12/2009



Talking to liao wei have made me more resolute in my doubts about leaving singapore for australia.


He said:"is she more important or your future is?"

Of course for now it seems that she is more important.

But looking further ahead, my future is.

But.
She IS equally important.

Isnt a piece of your soul important?
Well she is a big part of my soul.
And the most important part as well.


Lying awake at night like this, i cant help thinking abt you.
I always do.


And i realise how much a burden it would be for me to be apart from you.
I dunno about you, but i think it's not gonna be much of a problem.
You are so used of not seeing me anyway.

Me? I should have got used to not seeing you.
But there's this bleeding inside of me that just refuse to clot.


Dear bloggie, i have to let her know sooner or later.

The thing is, i cant bear to say good bye.

So childish.
This is so one sided.

Anyway i have alr expected what she would do.
Probably just get shocked a bit. Then encouraged me to go there. And then good luck. And then bye2.

Simple. While i'll be at a loss of words.
And probably crying.
To top it all, my unstoppable bleeding would have a new company.
More, and stronger bleedings will come.








I still dunno how to survive mentally afterwards.

Just a note.

A note I wrote the wee hours of 30/12/2009



I'm in another dilemma now.
Few months, no few weeks ago, even few days ago, i had my mind all the way on JC.


Now i had another option offered to me.

Straight to one year Foundation Programme in australia, then 6 year medicine faculty.
My dream is just ahead of me.

The weighing of the options i have gone through in details in my other blog, bloggie. So i'll mention another dilemma here.
A bigger one, and definitely more painful.



If i ever leave to pursue my degree in australia next year,
Not only i have to leave my heart and soul before i am prepared.
I'm breaking my promises as well.


I've promised to be there.
I've promised to make things work between us.
I've promised to be her only soulmate.

If i'm leaving,
Things change.
Drastically.

Frankly speaking,
Suddenly i have to leave her behind.
And worse, it may be the last time i'll ever see her.

I remember talking about the period of torture if i ever live without her.
Although even now i dont live with her in my life all the time,
At least i can feel she's occupying the most of it.

With me studying in australia,
It's not the same anymore.
Distance isnt the problem. It never is.
It's the communication gap.
I can never contact her anymore.
Even if i ever could,
It would be like patrice and me.
Nothing much to say after so long.
And there goes my most important part of myself.
And you know what? That's excruciating.


I dunno how i can handle this.

My brain calculates that it's better to pursue my studies in australia.

My heart doesnt wanna leave her side.


Which side should i follow?


I'm feeling very sick now.

I dont wanna lose more sleep due to this.

God please let me hear Your voice once again.

I believe you know what's best for me.

If you say i should leave her, then so be it.

Although it means a struggle with pain and torture each night and every day.



Haha i guess in this kind of period, it's when you realise most easily the extend of how you value and love a person.

Because i realise now how bad it will slit my heart just by thinking of living without her.