Nakama? Comrades? Friends?

You know what comes to my mind everytime I watch or read One Piece?


It's the strength of friendship in the people, especially in Strawhat Crew.



The way they keep their friendship for so long, and so strong never ceases to amaze me.
It always have me wishing to be a part of their friendship and brotherhood, or at least, have people who would stand by me as much as I would stand by them.

Well, not that I am really sure if I can stand up for my comrades for much, now.
But I can tell you that if I really found such 'nakama' in life, I'll protect them with my life, should theirs come in danger.


But then again, it's just anime. One Piece originated from a mind of someone right? The mangaka, Eichiro Oda.
So it's not as if all the bonds I encountered in the series were all in real life.
Afterall, it's just like a fairytale. They don't happen in reality.

Often, I am not good at many things. I just become a bystander for my pals.
I dont know if I have ever met people outside of my family who would care about me as much as I would care about them. But I certainly can't see that.
I mean, everyone I knew. I mean, everyone, already had their best friends.
They consider only ONE as best friend. Others, maybe much less than good friend.

I consider all my best 'nakama' equally. None are above the others. It's just that none reciprocated my feeling.
Even in love issue.
The feelings to me are all fake. As lasting as thin air, while mine had always been true and heart-wrenching to erase.

But who cares about love.

If I could have friends or comrades as faithful and fun as those in Strawhat Crew,
I wouldn't care for anything more, except maybe my family.
The rest of the world can rot in hell for all we care, but we gotta stick together and survive any ordeals on our adventure.

But hey, that's IF Strawhat Crew or comrades as faithful as them exist in real life.
Since it only happens in One Piece world,
that means it can never happen.
And so that means I can only dream of that.
Forever, on my own.

Influence from games.

Sometimes [no, OFTEN], I feel very disgusted at myself.

Because I keep running away from the facts.
And try to cover the bad ones with others.


Like I try to spend more time with other girls.
Not that I am a playboy or a damn flirt who would do this all day.
But unintentionally I do this to get over Huyen, who I want to at least put the thought on hiatus until end of exam.
For instance, these 2 days I spent my days studying with Danfeng and some group of friends.

I knew very well that I ain't interested in her for a few reasons.
1). Some personalities in us just can't go beyond friends.
2). Kinglam is my good friend, Zul as well. Both may still have feelings for her, though they say they're getting over it. But I'll still feel bad u see.
3). For sure she doesnt like me. That's very obvious in my eyes. hahaha.



Nevertheless, I still do like to spend time with her.
I thought I could forget about Huyen by doing this.








I can't.







I realise that no matter how I try, in the end I can't do it.
To think that this week I made an improvement, cause I nv have any contact at all, virtually or in real.

Yesterday, in school, Danfeng and I browsed through facebook. We had fun laughing at others' or my profile and making jokes.
But,
then we stumbled on her profile.
I saw a new photo added [actually have a lot of photos added, but only one have a significant impact on me].

It was a group photo of her, the boyfriend, and the group.
There was nothing wrong at all with the rest,
except that at the bottom there was her photo and him laughing happily, hugging each other.

Danfeng: Oops. Ok, scroll to next photo.
Me: Haha. what Oops.

[Oh, anw, Danfeng knew abt us. Though just little bit.Like those bitches who spread it around ==]


Thats what I call disgusting.
Hiding it all.
Actually I managed to hold it up,
Until that evening at home, I saw it again...


I just feel that I want Alex Mercer's power, to kill some people for real.
Damn bloody Prototype, cant let me have fun even once. Fucking lag on my comp.
Dunno why my laptop's so suck.


Not only that.
I want his power to hurt myself.
I dunno why.
Every time I saw they two, I felt I wanna stab my own body repeatedly.
Normal people's response should be wanting to either stab him or her right.
Haha.
Like this day,

there was one day, when the situation was still not as bad, was still between good and now,
huyen was like going to 145 bustop alone, to go home like usual.
then me, mars lw, san like saw her.
they three were like encouraging me to go send her home or something. or at least
just meet her before she goes home. just 2 of us.

i was reluctant at first,
but in the end i believed it was worth a try.
so yea i did and i saw her like standing in the staircase opposite red circle. so i was like a bit happy, preparing words to say or something.
i thought she was alone. but as i got nearer,

i notice she actually was facing the guy.
he was sitting on the stairs.
just tat it was blocked from the view when i was still far frm it.
so with shame and a grudging mix of anger and disappointment [oh, and a hope that she didnt see me], i turned back and went back to 3 of them,
expressing my exploding emotions.

As if that wasnt enough,
after we walked past Cheers[ the one at the interchange, not near old chang kee]
we saw them going out of the interchange towards the NTUC shop there.
i caught an eyelock each from her and that guy.
Mars, san, liao wei were like Oops.
and my face was black as rotten blood.

but luckily it didnt show up from outside
i'd have released a tendril barrage devastator in anger if i had mercer's power.


i am tired of being high for a moment and smacked on the ground for next 99 hours.




It happens all the time.
Shit.




Control yourself, vin. U gotta try, at least.

If this is the way =.=

Sometimes I wonder if I express myself too much.
I mean, I just like to let things that bother me all out. It's not being me if I bottle up my feelings. It just feels uncomfortable.



Like today, my parents think I am stressed =.=
Cause I told my mom [yes, all-out], that my roommate has been disturbing my sleep with his early wake every day, especially holiday, when I could use some extra sleeping period.
My dad, apparently thought I was depressed because of this.
Then he told me what to do next, bla3x, even to the point of blaming me because I always sleep late and scolded me.
Intentional or not, it fed me up.


I know he was just concerned. But let me get this straight.

First thing first, I know what to do next [YOU! watch out]
Secondly, I was confused if what I said really sounded like depressed-mode.
Last but not least, I AM NOT STRESSED TO THE POINT THAT I'LL NEGLECT MY STUDY AND THEN FAIL MY O LEVEL.




Now, this had me thinking again.
Is the way I present myself can make people misunderstand me so easily? Even my parents, who supposedly and self-claimedly said they knew best could misunderstand me.
Oh yeah, after all [yes, I keep forgetting this], I need to master THE ART OF SHUTTING-THE-FUCK-UP.
Since most things I say irritate people around me.

Damn it, must I really give an indifferent attitude so that people can't misunderstand me? =.='










OK, this is just an additional post.



THIS GODDAMN POST IS NOT ORIGINAL ANYMORE. NOT WHAT I FEEL ANYMORE.
IT WAS 2ND VERSION.
THE FIRST FUCKING VERSION WAS SUDDENLY GONE WHEN I PRESS ENTER.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKINGLY SAVED AS DRAFT BUT THIS DAMN WEBSITE JUST HAD THIS GODDAMN PROBLEM.
U DAMN WEBSITE, NOW I CANT EXPRESS MY FEELINGS CORRECTLY.
CIBAI NGENTOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK


I GONNA GO SLEEP. UR PRESENCE MAKE ME IRRITATED. THERE GOES MY STUDY MOOD AND SPIRIT.


FIRST MY BLOODY ATTITUDE FROM MY ROOMMATE, THEN THIS FUCKINGLY-FUCKING WEBSITE.




I WONDER WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GONNA END.



















Damn you. If not because of the archives of my forbidden feelings, I'd have annihilated you to the deepest part of Hell instead.
Bastard.














Anyway, you see. This is me. I express things in words. Then my mood-meter will return from bad to normal.
Wonder why people think I am goddamn stressed =='