I forgot how I ended up reading this dark archive again.
When all I should be doing is revising for my exams.




And then, there's only one conclusion that I arrived at.






Fuck feelings.

They change.
They poison.
They ruin.
They kill.


Fuck feelings.

The museum of the classified.

While halfway pondering about the existence of my different self, I suddenly came to a realization that this archive of pain, struggles, and locked memories seem pretty much like a museum to me.

Now that my first semester in university has officially ended, my other, darker self just can't wait to re-surface. In fact, it's been bugging me for the last few days, and my usual jovial self managed to slow it down.

Heh, it's like the Black and White. The existence of both is inevitable and there is a constant fight of these two ideas, yet both are dependent of each other.

I remember someone once said to me, that sometimes you just can't really get over stuff. And no matter what you do, in the end all you accomplish is locking up everything inside, not getting rid of them.

Maybe I now finally understand what that person meant.

I've not been moving on; I've just been caging all the stuff inside.

I thought it wouldn't break free. Well, now I found out that it just did.

At times like this I just wanna lock myself up from the rest of the world.

Blasting up my music,

Singing to myself,

Writing in this very space,

Playing some computer games,

Or maybe even venting out my anger by wrecking something.

Which I am now able to, thanks to the fact that people in the hostel are going back home, and that I no longer have anything to worry about academically. At least not for this short period of time.

Everybody else seems so happy that exams are over and holiday is here.

I know I have to be grateful. I honestly am.

I just can't be happy, knowing that I made another wrong move for my revision.

I just can't calm down, finding out that again I fall short on my own expectations.

I just can't stop wanting to punch something, realizing that these storms of dark, negative emotions are bursting out once again.

I just can't accept that after all this time, Time has yet to re-cure my wound. It just tore the stitch apart once again. 

And the worst part, is knowing that somewhere inside of me, I want someone to listen and to depend on.

Fuck this shit. I'm out.

The Mask.

Yes, it's back.

Putting a seemingly-formidable and brave front to the world.
But actually decaying slowly inside.
I'm sick of what I do myself.
But I don't think I've got much of a choice.

I tried to move on.

I do.

But it seems like the guilt stays deep inside.

Hidden, dormant.

But present.

I don't even know if I'll even recover from this.

Questions now arise.

Why did I do it from the start?

Why did I even risk it?

Why did I fall into the trap of my own feelings again?

Now I'm afraid to experience relationships again.

I know I shouldn't.

But the guilt, is just, so... overwhelming.

Everytime I thought I can continue my life without it, without you.

Your presence comes back, haunting every inch of my soul.

Moreover, my pathetic self just keeps condemning my mind.

"How could you be so cruel? Leading someone to your own life while thinking: We'll see what the future holds, but for now, let's just enjoy each other's company."

I was such a fucking idiot. And a fucking criminal.

I am so damn sure that now Karma will hunt me down any time.

Nobody can probably save me anymore.

It was a freaking dilemma.

I knew if I continued what I had, it won't lead to what I want.

Yet, I don't even know if this is the right decision either.

I guess I made the right call this time.

From now onwards,

I am not so sure anymore.

All I am certain about, is the fact that I'm damaged. Probably beyond repair.

I sure don't want to end up miserable like House.

But it looks like it's happening to me.

Hopefully, I won't start treating everyone around me horribly like he does.

Hopefully..

Hopefully...

*back to attempting to erase the guilt and your presence inside me*

Lockdown.

I thought, after a while since I last posted here, that I won't need this place ever again.
Because I can finally let go of negative emotions ravaging inside me.


But I'm wrong. As always.



Never expected that I would make this decision so soon.
Although the feeling's been telling me to talk it out for a while.
After all the journey we've had,
I decided to split, feeling like we are not meant for each other.

I expected that it would be really saddening.
But not this depressing.
Not this fatal inside me.


All the negative emotions I thought I had locked away ages ago, now burst back into life.



I know it's for the best.
But it is so hard.
So hard to recover that I don't know where to begin.
She was practically my everything.
And she was practically everywhere.


But I didn't regret a single decision I've made when I decided to follow my heart for her.
It just.. made me learnt about her, and about myself. The hard way.


That I wasn't ready for such long-term commitments.
That I'm pathetically unable to balance school, leisure, and relationship.
That I'm able of doing such cruel, devilish act of breaking someone's heart, something I loathe so much from my past.
Not just someone.
Someone who love me with all her heart, and trust me with all she has.


I'm not even in the mood for anything now.
Although I should probably be studying, or even having my dinner.
I just wanna cry myself to sleep.
Or punch, and/or break something.



It's so tempting to type "I miss you" and send to her now..
The separation is so strong and it's overwhelming me and breaking me apart.



I know it has to end sooner or later.
I know this is for the best.
I know this bad feeling will all fade away in time.
But it is just so hard to accept that this has to finally end.

"You'll fail at interviews!"

Thanks, Dad.

All those years of constructing my confidence painfully.

Turned into rubble, just like that.

All those years of mentally convincing myself that I can pass a medical school interview.

Vanished, just like that.

You said you don't hope for me to become a businessman like you,

And that for one to truly wanna excel in businesses, the concept itself must be rooted inside him.

Pfft. Yeah right.

Yet all you did this morning was telling me how to deal in businesses, definitions in businesses, how I totally suck about it and how I will NEVER be able to manage a business on my own.

Fine. You get your wish.

Now I truly don't wanna follow in your footsteps.

Actually, after all the purge,

I'm still pretty amazed at how I am still able to salvage of what remains from the debris of my crushed confidence,

And tell to myself:

Challenge Accepted.