Avatar - More than just a sci-fi movie.

I never liked a movie this much.
And a movie never lingered on my mind for this long.




But this movie, there's just something about it that makes me unable to push it away from my head.



Avatar.
That's the name.




Before i watched it, I thought it was just another sci-fi movie.
But it was a different feeling as I stepped outside the theatre afterwards.

'damn nice' was all I could mutter.
And automatically my head thought of a review, and my hand typed it in my handphone, just in case I would forget it.


It was one of the best, if not the best movie I have ever watched.



Until two days later, all I could think about day and night was that.
I went to sleep hoping to dream about this, and woke up thinking if I dreamt about it last night.
I still have no idea what makes this movie seems so awesome to me.



Maybe due to the war theme? It was futuristic warheads vs ancient creatures.
This idea was unique, combining two war eras into one movie.



Maybe the setting of the planet itself was beautiful. It was real scenic, especially the floating mountains and the glowing plants that light up Pandora's night.



Maybe because of the life of the Omaticaya tribe.
They live closely to the Nature, if not one with them.
I wanna live that kind of life.
I realise a technological life isnt what I desire.
A simple one would be good.



Maybe because of the love between Neytiri and Jake.
They were destined to be together, from the way they met, looked each other, and mated in front of Eywa, their Mother Nature.
A concrete example of a true love. Makes me realise my feeling about love is such a shit compared to what is happening between them.


Maybe due to the fact that Jake feels like he is dreaming his own life in his avatar.
Being in his avatar and living as a Na'vi, he found his true happiness.
It feels like I'm living in there too.
My real life feels redundant.
The world there is just so beautiful that I cant seem to find the right synonym for 'beautiful' to describe the life in that movie.
It was more than just beautiful.
It was a perfect life.
Simple, one with nature, peaceful.




Maybe because I realised the fact of how money can turn people and the world upside down.
I realised what greedy people can do to satisfy their extreme desire for money.
From ruining nature itself to take souls away indiscriminately.
It disgusts me to know humans can do that, and I am the same species as them.
It makes me even more sick to know that I can be like that too.
I wanna be another creature. A Na'vi if possible.
But that'll be a dream.
A dream which I need to wake up from. Soon.

Maybe due to the plot of the movie.
Dramatic-builder, with no anti-climax present.
Keep you hooked to the movie right from the beginning to the very end.
Keep you wanting to know what's next, keep you in real wonder.


Oh, shit. I can't stop thinking abt it.
It's too wonderful.
The Pandora, the Na'vi, Jake and Neytiri, their love and emotional bond, the closeness to Nature, the simple life these Omaticaya people had, their fearless spirit.
Everything feels like a dream to me.
It doesn't feel like a movie.
It feels real, too real to be a movie and too fake to be a dream itself.
Confusing? Yes I am in such great awe too.


These two days, I wish to have these dreams in my sleep.
Thats why I sleep quite early these few days.
I wanna have a chance to sip what my dream world feels like.
I hope for that to happen.
But it won't happen.
I want it to happen.
It can't happen.

God must have the purpose for making me feel this thoughtful about Avatar.
He must have wanted me to realise something.
I hope I'll figure that out soon.
Cause all I'm thinking now are Pandora, Jake, Neytiri, Omaticaya, and Eywa.




Avatar.








[another note I wrote on my handphone 12:13am WIB, Monday 21st December 2009]

Life can really change overnight huh?

I think I've told you before.
I reflect way, way too much on holidays.



Mostly, about US.



When I first saw you,
Good friends were all that could be, I thought.
When we became good friends,
Suddenly my heart changed.
When my feelings for you grew stronger,
You started to show that you care.
When we cared for each other more than a friend could,
You backed away.
When I was writhing in pain,
You backed away further.
When I started to back away too, still writhing in pain,
We two avoided each other.
When Fate changed things between us,
We suddenly became closer again.
As we became closer,
We figured out that soulmates are what we were.
And now,
I'm doubting my own perseverance.




I started to feel this is not how a soulmate should be.
It's more...like siblings now.
I don't feel the "L word" anymore.
[Anyway, I decided that L word shouldn't be thrown around casually. So I'm not gonna say it anymore.]
Although my feelings for you remain the same,
I am starting to doubt whether we can really make it or not.


Not that I'm afraid to work for it.
I'm afraid you don't have time to work for it.


I remember during secondary,
You had to neglect everything about us even during Mid-Year Exams.
With JC,
I'll bet that you'll neglect me since the start.
And I'll be in the same state like I was in earlier this year.
Talking to myself, without any reply.
And then my negative self takes over.
Crushing my mentality inside out.
And my work will be affected.
Dead.



Now I'm starting to feel whether to give this up or not.
I don't want to.
But I really see that you don't wanna work for it anymore either.
You prefer to stay in your way now.

All our soulmate thing,
I think you don't understand what a soulmate means.
You don't understand how to be one.
And you certainly don't wanna be that piece of me anymore.



Because,
You already love someone.
And that automatically makes you unable to let others in.
You'll be crushed if you let go of him.
And even with what I do, I can't heal your heart anymore in that kind of state.
Last but not least,
The certainty issue you always think of about.
All you think of him was he WILL be forever with you, and all you think of me was I WILL NEVER be able to be with you for long.



I used to think a soulmate from other country doesn't matter much to me.
No matter how difficult it is,
I don't wanna give it up, as long as it's for my own happiness.
My perseverance is starting to fade now.
I am beginning to think that I can never make you stay with me either.
Where did my optimistic mindset go?
And since you don't wanna work for it too,
I'm thinking that maybe we are not really meant to be together.
And I'm beginning to think of the phrase I used to loathe; Give Up.




I don't wanna give up.
I don't.
But there are just some things you can't change.
Some things need to be accepted, even if you don't wanna do so.
Some things need to be let go, no matter how much it'll hurt you.
And sometimes, you just can't fight Destiny back.




Still, I'm not sure yet.
I said before, I'll fight 'till the last ounce of my mental strength.
I'll continue fighting with what I still have now.






Having said that,
The battlefield of emotions continue to flare,
And this war goes on.

Another past I recalled.

All of a sudden a thought came by my mind.


These 2 years with her was not a smooth journey.
And when I thought this was a long road,
I remembered my first love.
A 7 years of 'adventure'. Haha.






It was on year 1999.
Primary 2, first day.
I already made a name for myself as the noisiest guy in class, a title I manage to hold until today, regardless where I am living at xD
And the form teacher made a decision, to sit me to next a girl.
Not just a girl, but the QUIETEST in class.
Well, it didn't bother me at first.
I kept talking during lessons.
But many times, she shushed me.
And then something moved inside me.
I felt different.
Normally I talk to guys and girls indifferently. Both are same.
And the night I started feeling different. I started to think about her.
I was so young, so childish.
Yet what I thought was love.
And there it goes.

The next day I didn't know what went into my mind.
I started making simple letters with 'I Love You'.
Then sending it to her.
I remembered on a day I even learnt to make a simple flower using origami technique.
Professing my love to her in public, I couldn't care less.
In fact, I didn't think of the consequences.

For the subsequent years till Primary 6,
Basically the whole school knows about my feelings for her.
Yes, ALL of the school, even teachers and janitors.
What a scandal I made for myself.
Even to my Kumon centre, everyone who hung around with me, and the teachers knew.
I remembered once, suddenly her little brother came up to me, asking me "Kevin brother, you really like my sister?"
IN FRONT OF THE EYES OF SO MANY TEACHERS.
Hahahaha that was very comical, now that I think about it.

Anyway she never responded to my feelings for 4 years until we graduated from that primary school.
And even though I liked other girls in between the years, my heart kept coming back to her.
I even got another girlfriend between those years.
Another scandal I made. That girlfriend was the tallest girl in class, so she was taller than me. And me? The shortest guy in class.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Surprisingly though, I started to see this first love of mine more often in the church, especially since I started to join the altar boys group.
She was a senior in that year.
We didn't talk much.
Eye contacts were all that were.
Then everything started to change.
I didn't remember how we started to text each other more often day by day.
That was during first year of Secondary.
Although we went to separate schools,
we lived around the same neighbourhood,
And we went to same church.
Oh yeah, same Kumon centre too.

Once I sat beside her during the lessons.
And that was when my heart felt love for first time. Haha.
I could see her smiling from the corner of my eye too.

And then next year,
Secondary 2.
The peak of our relationship.
We became really close, although people couldn't see it till me or her told them.
We texted every night.
And one day, around 1am, I asked her out.
And yes, she accepted.
However, the next morning, she said she couldn't do this. Her parents would get furious if they knew.
So alright, then. Haha.
Surprisingly, she still talked very sweetly towards me.
Even better than before I asked her out.


And then that was valentine.
She offered me to exchange chocolate.
So I went to buy the best chocolate I could find, secretly of course.
And when we met [SECRETLY, haha.], I was again surprised that she gave me a pink chocolate, with the words I Love You carved in the centre.
When she gave it to me, she smiled and said "Sorry if it doesn't look too good. This is the best I could make."
SHE MADE IT HERSELF. OMG xDDD
For the first time I felt loved. Haha.


Beautiful things continued to happen between us that year. We became close as couple, although not officially-said between us =P


But things took a twist of fate.
I moved to study in Singapore on beginning of 2006.
I could see her sadness in her words she sent to me via text message.
We continued to talk till 14th February 2006. Yes, Valentine's Day.
She still said she loved me, but wouldn't mind if I had found another one here in Singapore. Of course I could sense that she wasn't at all happy.
And then,
My Dad noticed the expensive handphone bill I used.
And demanded me at once not to text message internationally again.


So that was it.
My first love catastrophe of my life.
We stopped contact.
I couldn't contact her, she couldn't contact me.
Then we went our separate ways.


Not until about a year later I knew how to use Internet. Yes, chatting.
Then I found her again.
But things weren't the same anymore.
I can't say anything to her now.
And I could sense she couldn't say anything much to me either.


Other love problems have changed myself.


But,
Until last year, I could see she still kept her feeling for me.
We didn't have a chance to fulfil it.
I was already in love with someone then, someone who eventually turned out to be my soulmate.
So in a way I was glad we didn't go out. It might only disappoint her.


And now, at this moment.
She's found her significant other.
I've found my soulmate, who is also with her significant other.
I hope Patricia Nadya, the first person to show me love, will always be happy in the future xD
I wanna express my deepest gratitude to God for her.
And hopefully my torture will end soon. Haha.





Anyway, that was just something I recalled in my mind.
My first love journey was funny, exciting, painful, but yes, beautiful through its 7 years.
My current one, although it's been only 2 years, is not any less torturous.
I can only hope for the happiest ending of my life here, after this painful journey.
Till then, all I can do is wait, and wait, and wait.




Oh, waiting never seems so full of torture before in my life. Haha.




I've never loved someone more than my first, except my soulmate, who hopefully will be my last =)

To feel something I should not be.

DAMN! I'm just gonna say this straight.



Ok, I'll admit it. I get jealous too easily.
For what? No need to say anymore. I bet you know, bloggie.

!@#$%^&*


Why do I feel like scolding so many profanities here??????!!!!!!!!





How do I feel jealous so easily?



Wait, why do I feel so?



Wait wait, why SHOULD I feel so???
Am I even allowed to be jealous?????????????




I really hate this feeling.
I was feeling normal today.






WHY THE FUCK DO I THINK SO MUCH







It's appalling that one wall post to someone can TOTALLY GLOOM MY DAY.
Even basketball and [PROTOTYPE] fail to counter this effect now.





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I need to punch something, again, URGENTLY.



But I can't. I can't hurt my hand any further than this.




*sigh* FUCK. I hope my feeling doesn't show up from outside.

So long, bloggie.

Okay, I'm in Indo now.
Good holiday, I guess, except that there isn't much to do here.
Which leads my never-say-die brain to ponder over things much more frequently, and deeply.


This note I wrote at about 1:33am last night, was such example.



I believe I used to say that I'll let her go with her life and the guy, even if she's a soulmate.

This moment I just found out that I couldn't. Never.

She's far too valuable to be described with words, and too precious to let go.
Finding a soulmate is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
True, there may be other mates, but it's unlikely.
I want her to be the only piece of me, and me to be the only one of hers.

I wanna spend the rest of my life with someone destined for me.

After reading at one of my Beatty friend's expressive Facebook profile,
I realised how much pain he's going through after the break-up with a supposedly "girl closest ever to him".
I went through the same period of pain, only that I could hide it even better.
Nobody knows until I said it.
Not bad huh xD

Ok ahem back to topic.

I suddenly thought, what if what is happening to him could happen to me.
What if she walks away, leaving me stranded all by myself.
It's bad enough imagining all the pain I took in during the time we were avoiding each other,
Not to mention I will go through a much worse period if this thing really happens to me.

Ah what the hell.

I should know by now the chance to be with her is super slim.
Yet I refused to give up, thinking that I still have a chance.
My heart risked all of itself.
Risked to love totally, risked getting torn apart.
All for that slim chance.

I kept saying to myself that when the time comes, my effort will pay off.
But a part of me knew we'll never be together.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.
Never ever ever.


Unless she wants to work for it too.
Which again, will never happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever will.
Never ever ever will.

I myself dunno why I think about all these painful thoughts every night before I sleep, automatically.

Ah what the hell.

The battle of my emotions.

I can never understand what's your say about this.
Oh well, as if I'll ever ask either. I'm such a coward.
Always afraid to ask about how are you and him either.
Afraid of feeling hurt.
Afraid of the pain.
Suck.
Coward.

I should go to sleep.
Hopefully the excruciating thoughts can slow down in crunching my mental state.
But again, as if it will happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.