Living a life of irony.

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"

Some say "My life is bullshit."

Some complain "My life is a joke."

I say, my life is an irony.

Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.

I say I love my parents, my family, my God.

But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,

But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,

But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,

But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,

Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,

But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.

I really, really want to understand you,

Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,

I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".

And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.

Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,

Or because I just am not worthy,

Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.

Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.

I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.

Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...

Hate.

Such a strong word to use.
But it seems proper currently.



I may be able to accept defeat.
But still I hate to lose.



I hate to lose out physically,
I hate to lose out academically,
I hate to lose out in maturity,
I hate to lose out in relationships,
And I hate to realise how much I hate to lose.






I'm a 19-year-old with nothing, no clue on what to do for the love of my life.
I'm a weird 19-year-old with no experience.
But I'm looking for a chance to do all the stuff together, for the first time.
I hatefully detest to be the one not leading in relationships.
It makes me look like a shit.
Useless, good-for-nothing kind of guy.
And no thanks for my destiny, I always don't seem to find out the girl with my idea of perfect.


Yep, my utopia will never exist.
Neither will my utopian ideals.



Ironically,
I can always put all these thoughts behind.
I can always embrace the new changes.
(although I fucking hate changes too).
I can always overlook my perfect expectations for stuff that matter more.
Or I can always lower my expectations!
Or even change my own ideals!




Yeah, I've put all those thoughts behind, but so what.
Doesn't mean they're not there.
Doesn't mean they won't surface again periodically.
Doesn't mean my ideals have changed!
Doesn't mean I can STOP hating to lose out.





Maybe it's time for me to learn something new.
A new idea that I should have fucking absorbed long ago.


Yes, the world is unfair.
Destiny is never just.
Justice doesn't exist.
Even I now cease to believe in the existence of Karma.



Oh wait, maybe Karma still functions.
I just haven't figured out what I've done wrong in my life.




Wait a minute.
Maybe my utopian ideals are wrong in the first place.
They shouldn't even be alive.
And this, bloggie, is how Karma and Destiny are showing me the punishment for having such wrong ideals.
Guess? Yeah, you got it.



By incinerating everything that I achieve for the sake of my ideals, each and every one of them.




Go on.
Keep crushing them.
My path towards my dream.
My own mentality.
My own academic.
My own physique.
My own love.
All of them.

And the only ones that remain,
Are my motivation, my dream, and my life.

And let me tell you bitch,
If you intend to annihilate the rest,
I beg you, please, just quickly destroy the last one, right away.

But of course,
WHY WOULD THEY LISTEN TO MY PLEA?
Heh.

Being stationary. For the worse.

At the crossroad.
Where everything is wrong.


You move forward, backward.
Both are mistakes.
Even not moving is wrong.


Right now,
Everything I say, everything I do.
Is all trash.


If I say something, I surely would say something hurtful, menacing.
If I don't say anything, well, it'd just lead to, nothing.
Nothing would have changed for the better.

If I do something, I'd just end up aggravating the condition.
If I don't, everything would just fall apart, and deteriorate.



You see, doing nothing has consequences too.



Running away, well, we all know it never solves the problem.
There's this compulsive, oppressive, obstinate desire to either punch something, screaming, or smoke.


I just did one of them on the spot.
Yep, I didn't get better. Those are just temporary painkillers.



So tell me now,
What's next?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hey.

I'm back.


And I have a feeling that I'll be here for a while now.


There's this urge to dig up my already filled-up abyss of emptiness and void.