The Mask.

Yes, it's back.

Putting a seemingly-formidable and brave front to the world.
But actually decaying slowly inside.
I'm sick of what I do myself.
But I don't think I've got much of a choice.

I tried to move on.

I do.

But it seems like the guilt stays deep inside.

Hidden, dormant.

But present.

I don't even know if I'll even recover from this.

Questions now arise.

Why did I do it from the start?

Why did I even risk it?

Why did I fall into the trap of my own feelings again?

Now I'm afraid to experience relationships again.

I know I shouldn't.

But the guilt, is just, so... overwhelming.

Everytime I thought I can continue my life without it, without you.

Your presence comes back, haunting every inch of my soul.

Moreover, my pathetic self just keeps condemning my mind.

"How could you be so cruel? Leading someone to your own life while thinking: We'll see what the future holds, but for now, let's just enjoy each other's company."

I was such a fucking idiot. And a fucking criminal.

I am so damn sure that now Karma will hunt me down any time.

Nobody can probably save me anymore.

It was a freaking dilemma.

I knew if I continued what I had, it won't lead to what I want.

Yet, I don't even know if this is the right decision either.

I guess I made the right call this time.

From now onwards,

I am not so sure anymore.

All I am certain about, is the fact that I'm damaged. Probably beyond repair.

I sure don't want to end up miserable like House.

But it looks like it's happening to me.

Hopefully, I won't start treating everyone around me horribly like he does.

Hopefully..

Hopefully...

*back to attempting to erase the guilt and your presence inside me*

Lockdown.

I thought, after a while since I last posted here, that I won't need this place ever again.
Because I can finally let go of negative emotions ravaging inside me.


But I'm wrong. As always.



Never expected that I would make this decision so soon.
Although the feeling's been telling me to talk it out for a while.
After all the journey we've had,
I decided to split, feeling like we are not meant for each other.

I expected that it would be really saddening.
But not this depressing.
Not this fatal inside me.


All the negative emotions I thought I had locked away ages ago, now burst back into life.



I know it's for the best.
But it is so hard.
So hard to recover that I don't know where to begin.
She was practically my everything.
And she was practically everywhere.


But I didn't regret a single decision I've made when I decided to follow my heart for her.
It just.. made me learnt about her, and about myself. The hard way.


That I wasn't ready for such long-term commitments.
That I'm pathetically unable to balance school, leisure, and relationship.
That I'm able of doing such cruel, devilish act of breaking someone's heart, something I loathe so much from my past.
Not just someone.
Someone who love me with all her heart, and trust me with all she has.


I'm not even in the mood for anything now.
Although I should probably be studying, or even having my dinner.
I just wanna cry myself to sleep.
Or punch, and/or break something.



It's so tempting to type "I miss you" and send to her now..
The separation is so strong and it's overwhelming me and breaking me apart.



I know it has to end sooner or later.
I know this is for the best.
I know this bad feeling will all fade away in time.
But it is just so hard to accept that this has to finally end.