Soulmate?

31 October 2009, 2.15am



Some people may say that I'm too young for this.
Some people may tell me that it's not the right time yet to think of this thing. O Level Exam is still around.
Some may even say I'm being blinded my own feelings, aka INFATUATED.



But later on this day I found out another thing,
"You may even find your soulmate at 8 or 80 years old. It's unexpected."



Yea, life is unexpected indeed.
How would i expect someone I've been dying for, someone I've put before myself but ended creating a hole in my chest, someone I thought was another person who only tricked me for the subsequent times, turned out to be my soulmate?



It's not confirmed that what I feel about this soulmate thing is true, but I finally found out that our feeling is somehow [not TOTALLY, though] mutual.

What I felt:
From Liaowei: "She may be attached with a boyfriend, but you are like the soulmate. Boyfriend and soulmate are two different thing."


What she said:
"..I told my friend about how i felt about you, she said like soulmate like that ^^.."




So, isn't it?





And I've actually learnt something new, and I'm glad about this.
I yearn not for being in a relationship, but just for someone who can understand me as much as I could about her, and someone who reciprocates my feeling.
Not like some [AHEM =P, sorry Mars, I could only think about u] who wants a relationship quite badly.
But that's actually the point where I learnt.
In the end a relationship is not what a human wants. Love is.
When and where he will discover it, let fate decides. =D




Anyway, I realise that I may not end up spending my life with my soulmate. In fact, she is planning to spend hers with her guy now.
Hehe guess I'd be moving on too.
But one thing I can see changing in my life.
I used to believe I can only love and devote to one person.
Now I know that no matter how much I say I'll love my next girl, I know that she would have occupied the most colourful parts of my heart.


Because after all, my life's true happiness lies with my soulmate.












Although soulmates may not be one,
But as the saying goes "the first one creates the most impact"
Right? =D

l told myself time and again that it was all an illusion but...

"..lend me your shoulder :))"


"Be here with me for a while.."


"after two months of holiday u cant forget? Sure u can. I even think that u alr now :("


"..someone taught me not to worry of unnecessary things when u cant do anything abt it. U must get what i mean."


"hope u can get to sleep earlier today ^^ God bless you ^^ good night"


":( be okay soon ^^"


"i understand your situation the most okay.."


"..and now both of us lose smt that is more worthy than love :))"


"U love someone and that person doesnt return your LöVE is still much happier than u LöVE her and believe she loves u as well,"


"....Letting the feelings go for me is easy, but letting the memories will be terrifying ..."


"^^ i dont know how u feel but talking like this is very nice,"


I really could see some bloody illusions again.
I think I'm again disillussioned with my own feelings.
Deja Vu, as they say.



Anw,I've learnt something new.
"Watch your words, 'cause they can either mean the world to some people, or hell to some others."
In this case, your words are painfully pleasant to feel.
Some of what u said is quite true...

It may be true that loving someone who doesnt reciprocate ur feeling [san, for example] is better than loving someone when believing that she loves u back [me].

And, I wonder what is more important than love itself?
Cause my feeling of love currently cant be compared to other feelings I had. I'd do many things, if not everything, for my own love.








But again, this is all just my illusion, I know.
What I thought u feel was probably different from the real one.
ARGHHHHH
VIN! DON'T GET DISILLUSIONED AGAIN!










But I can't help it.
This is a feeling that I thought was gone forever.
Now that I got the chance to sip some of it again,
I don't think I'm gonna just let my so-called well of life slip away again.

It'll be gone sooner or later, I know.
But the heart of mine doesnt give a damn.
It wont let go of the thing it desires the most.



Please, my heart, let go.
I can't control u. Not even with the combined effort of my mind and myself.
You're too strong in this situation.
So I'm begging u now.
Please let go of this seemingly-everlasting feeling.













Although I know it's hard as hell, I'll promise we'll work towards it together...

I only wanna end this year with good things.

I don't wanna end this year in this way with u.

You're now so cold to me. You make me feel as if I'm a stranger to you, and that NOTHING has happened to us.
I don't really mind about the latter, but about the former part, I can't really take it.

I apologise for avoiding you for a while but, won't I have a chance to become even normal friends now?
I wanna end my year in 4e1 with everyone as at least my friend,
but you, you don't even give me a chance to start all over again as a classmate.


Whenever I try to smile when talking to you, you give me a black face.
Whenever I use the slightest chance to strike a conversation, you show me an indifferent attitude.
But ironically, in sms you sound so friendly to me.
Why are you being so fake?
I'm being truthful here.

True, my wounds deep inside my chest have not healed yet, and I'm yet to finish closing up the invisible gaping hole between my ribs.
But I made a promise to myself that this thing shouldn't even happen to us. At the very least I have to let you go as a friend.

Once again let me reiterate, I don't wanna think of you as someone who cuts deep scars inside my heart and someone who tears apart the hole in my heart again after closing it.
Because all the things that have happened between us, all the feelings and emotions and pain I took in, actually came from within myself.
It was precisely because I took all the things you did to me [and maybe, for me] wrongly. I was mistaken.
I thought finally you were the right one for me, the person I've been waiting for to heal my weary heart. But I guess you have never thought that way about me. All you ever thought of me was just someone to confide in, in case there's nobody else for you to turn around [and ONLY when there REALLY is nobody else].
With all the 'signs' and 'green lights' you've showed me all along, I was again mistaken.
And I'm sorry. Truly.

I'm sorry for blaming you, even if it's just slightly or indirectly.
I'm sorry for showing how easily hurt I was.
I'm sorry for making you think that you've hurt me.
I'm sorry for hogging all useless spaces in your mind.
I'm sorry for adding to your already-mountainous stress.
I'm sorry for loving you in the first place.
And I'm sorry for existing in your life, although ironically stumbling upon you during my journey in life is currently the best thing that ever happened to me.


And even with all the things I've written here, words can't describe how sorry I am still.
I'll just wanna wish you all the best things for you in life. May Happiness and Fortune always bestow upon you.
And I guess I'll move on to my journey again. I thought this was my last stop, but maybe I gotta take another train to the next one. Hehe.
I'll wish you luck in your journey as well.
If destiny allows, may we cross our paths again some day.







*Argh, O level is 8 days more. And why I'm thinking this way?*

Issues.

It feels that it's been long since I stopped by, bloggie. So I guess it's time to fill some things in, don't you think? xD

First thing first, prelim result.
Wasnt that bad.

English A2
HML B3 [miracles xD]
Combined Humanities B4
A math A1
E math A1
Biology B3 [fuck that]
Physics A1
Chemistry A1

So L1R5 is 7, from 10 minus 3 pts of HMT and CCA.
Dang, cant enter NJC. Argghhh....



Actually not bad. I studied and concentrated pretty good.
At least not because of thinking of her.
The feeling can at least be tamed now.
TAMED, not ERASED.
And it actually came back again.

I saw a note of her relationship anniversary. 2 years has it been for both of them.
And I thought it wasn't a big deal for me. "I've gotten over her anyway," I thought.
I was wrong.
It opened the patch on my left side of the chest, into a gaping hole once again.
I felt a sudden twinge of pain.
Just that, it wasn't sudden and brief. It lasted.
Lasted until days afterwards. Even now.
I was just so, so fortunate that I discovered it after Prelim exam.

But then again, another problem arises.
O level is coming.
And i'm yet to regain my study-mode.
I procrastinate as much as I want, not bothering about anything else except my laptop and Internet.

Which leads to another issue I'm having right now.
All these laziness I'm experiencing is maybe an aftermath of the re-opening of the virtual hole on my left chest.
I lost all the mood in almost everything, except for relaxing, and slacking.
Even for basketball. I almost lost the desire for the sport I love the most.
Only today, I couldn't fulfill it.
Just about I regained my feeling for it, THE RAIN CAME DOWN SHOWERING THE EARTH.
Damn it, the weather was perfect for outdoor activities before. Damn, DAMN!!!!

A saturday without basketball, just felt really, really weird for me.



Okay, ahem, so, coming back to the issue.
My old traumatising experience came back to haunt me again.
After the holiday, actually, the pain was covered up. And it didn't bother me unless I thought of it at night especially. But even then, I didn't even think much of it.
It certainly gave me an impression that it finally let me go, and I finally got over you.

But now, look at the state I'm in again.
I'm in for another bumpy ride.
The pain, the emptiness, the restlessness, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lost, the emotion, the feeling.
They're all back, stronger than ever before, ready to pummel me hard on the ground, preventing me from going further.
They're all ready to drag me down the Hell.

Why? What have I done to receive such treatments?
What have I accomplished that caused my own self to be in so much, so deep of trouble?


Girls, love, hatred, the fake-ness of everything, the competitiveness of humans.
It all makes me sick.
Wish i could get on soon. Haha.

Well, in fact, I'm never getting to next life now.
Since I won't move on anyway, why not fight those hordes, barbaric feelings who are trying so hard to pin me down?
It's a Now-Or-Never situation.
O-level Exam, big time, bloggie.


So yeah, rather than being subdued by these 'animals' ? Why don't I try to turn the tide?



Now it's not the matter of What or Why. It's a question of How.


Tuhan, Mother Nature, would Thou be so kind and generous to give me a fraction of your spiritual guidance?
But still, that's just LITTLE BIT.
The 99.9% of the work, still depends on me.





Let's roll.