And I thought the vicious cycle of love would never reach me, much less harm me.
I'm immune to that.
I won't mind to that.


Fuck.
Today, okay, more like yesterday,
I WAS FUCKING WRONG.



Working with the Student Council for Orientation 2 as PA Crew, I knew somehow I would encounter LS again.
I did.
FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.
It was like WE NEVER KNOWN EACH OTHER AT ALL BEFORE.


FUCK!!
And the worst part,
I would be lying if I said I wasn't bothered.
IT FUCKING HURT, LIKE SHIT.



I didn't care much.
But somewhere deep inside me,
Somehow it just got stung,
By something so far outside.



All of a sudden,
An apparent "soulmate" I once had seemed like nothing insignificant.
Contemplating a move on Aik Ching didn't matter anymore.

All of a sudden,
The memories strike back.
Negativity plagued my soul all over again.
And the unanswered question echoed in my mind again,
"Why did you just leave like you did?"


I'd do anything to go back to the day we went out together,
For the first, and the last time.
Instead of watching you leave from behind your back,
And stopping to talk to you 'till midnight,
I'd sort everything out,
Ask what went wrong,
What had I done so badly?
What had I not fucking done?
And lastly, of course, finding the right answer and fucking pull myself away from all this.



Okay, bullshit.






No matter what I'd done, it would definitely be better than what I had accomplished back then.
And it's definitely better than be unanswered, and pushed away suddenly.

It's been a long time since I visited here.
Well it's been a while since I last had a emotional flux again.
Not that I do now, I just feel like visiting again.

So, I shall start with another confidential note I made on 29 December 2010 on my phone.


I fantasise.
Okay, seriously, like fucking a lot.

Mainly things I would never think of doing for real.
When I was young, it would be super-hero stuff, like flying, moving in super speed, or delivering punches and kicks to some people.


But now,
Sometimes fulfilling my own dream of being a doctor,
Owning a big dream house, driving my own dream car, waking up in the morning with seaside just outside my bedroom window and my own yacht by the dock behind my mansion.

But mostly,
Okay, this is gonna sound ridiculous and childish, and totally immature.
Mostly I kinda day-dream of things I would ever do if I make a move on my crush.
And what happened when I succeed; things that we would ever do together.

The issue is, it's never about how if I ever failed, or what happened if we ever fall out.
There are always two sides to this right? Why am I always so afraid to face these two truths, though they have always been visiting me time and again?

In my own fantasy, everything is perfect. It's my own utopia.
There are no "bad" and "negative" in there.

I wonder what exactly enables this to be happening in me.
But from my own conclusion,
I believe it's because I'm such a failure.
I can't bring myself to do the things that I wanna do, like making a move on my crush.
I keep telling myself it may not be worth it, but truthfully deep inside I do know that I'm just afraid to get pushed away.
I'm afraid of the heartbreak.
Turned out I'm not a cyborg emotionally after all.
*sigh*
How to switch off or freeze emotions after all?

You see, even making my move itself is a fantasy for me.
Much less fulfilling my other fantasies.



Yeah, so that was it.
Many at times I am in a dilemma whether I want to make a move on Aik Ching or not.
Almost all the guys have suggested that to me. Even my personal mentor.
The thing is, I'm not sure about what I feel. If I'm not sure, normally I don't wanna force it.
Secondly, I don't wanna risk the pain.
If I succeed, that would be good.
If I don't, well, what if I can't enter a Med school?
What if my emotions are so badly affected that it disrupts my childhood dream?
But if I don't try, I'll never know.
And of course she's not easy, so it should be worth it. =)


Argh fuck.


Anyway,


I GOT CIVICS REP POSITION BABY!
I'VE BEEN WANTING THAT POST SINCE THE LAST FUCKING YEAR.
I'M TIRED OF BEING THE WELFARE REP, REMEMBERING ALL THE BIRTHDAY AND ORGANISING OUTINGS ARE SO DAMN TROUBLESOME.
But oh well, the "iron lady" is the other civics rep.
Should I let her be dominant?
Or should I represent the guys' voices and chip in the decision-making?

We'll see!

BUT I'VE GOT THE FUCKING POST BABY!



AND OH YEAH, I QUIT NJBASKETBALL!
FINALLY,
AFTER I GOT SO SICK OF THE PEOPLE AND THE FUCKING TRAININGS.
FUCKING HARDCORE AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD.
AND THE PEOPLE,well ,I can't get along with them.
SO HASTA LA VISTA!

My tactic works!
I acted as if my parents scolded me for not concentrating in studies.
SCOLDED ME BADLY.
Well, they do get concerned about it, but not to the point where I would be grounded or something.
But still, telling that to my teacher works!
Having such supportive parents is such a blessing!


xD