Hey there bloggie.



I've been quite an emotional wreck these couple of days.
And during Christmas time too. What a time huh.
When I was supposed to be happy and all too.


So it goes like this.


Remember how I told you that I've finally fallen for someone again, after so long?
Yeah and I did tell you that I was gonna take it easy too didn't I?

I thought I did, honestly.
Until recently.


Basically, I felt that after all the interactions that happened between us for 4 months, give or take,
I thought that we became closer.
And the feelings were starting to get mutual.
So I thought it was finally time to let her know about my feelings, directly.

But that was the problem.
You see, I THOUGHT the feelings were getting mutual.
I was looking at the situations through my own lens of feelings.
Not through the lens of objectivity.
And so when I felt that she's starting to talk like she no longer values me as much,
At first I believed that something was wrong, or at least there was something wrong that I did.

And then I looked back and I realised.
Wait a minute, no.
If I recalled the way she talked to me when we first got to know each other,
It is exactly the same as how she did now.
So in the process, there probably isn't anything hinting to me that there is something more than meets the eye.
No.
It was all in my head.
And forming my own expectations and having them unmet is what probably killed me.

This time I really caused the emotional wreck on my own.

She never asked me to continue talking to her.

She never asked me to be concerned.

She never asked me to be supportive to her. She probably didn't need mine, at the very least.

She never asked my help to stay up until the morning to help her with her work. I wanted that myself.

She never asked me to fall for her.

So what right do I have to want her to reciprocate my feelings?

Exactly.

What she thought of me has probably never changed.

I thought it did. So that's where I am wrong,


Haha you know I felt really stupid.
I told myself in the beginning that I should just take my time and not rush.
Indeed I never did.
But thinking about it now,
In order to save myself from hurting this bad again,
What I should have said to myself is:


"You should've used your head a little more than your heart."

Revelation.

Wow.


Did you just say that all that happened was simply because you felt lonely?


Did you just say that whatever happened was all my mind playing tricks on me?


All those times we spent,
All the things we talked about,
All the feelings we poured out for each other,



You're telling that it was all.. because you simply felt lonely?

None of it was real?



I can't fucking believe it.


I don't want to believe it.


It felt so real.



What the fuck?
I just.
I can't.
I can't even.




Wow.


It was a good closure.
It had a good ending, even if it ain't the best, fairy-tale kind.



Now I'm just disappointed.
And angry.




The more important question though,
If I have truly gotten over it, why do I still get so pissed off?
Is it because that after I thought I had the closure, I kinda framed everything like a nice piece of memory,
And now that I know it wasn't what I thought it was, it kinda destroyed all the meaning behind it?
Or am I just in rage because for this moment I felt that my life had been nothing but a lie?

Closure.

"If I can move on from you, I can move on from anything else."

"I haven't been together with anyone for over a year. But my feelings for you lasted for more than that. I think that meant something."

"Do you remember the time we talked about soul mates?"

"Yeah."

"Wah I'm surprised! Haha I thought you've forgotten everything from that period."

"Hahaha."

Honestly, I never thought of us meeting again, much less hanging out like this.

To be even more honest, I didn't think we could talk about what we felt like it was yesterday.

And of course, I would never expect to let you know that I tried so hard to avoid you to move on from you.

I wasn't even sure if i wanted to see you again after trying so hard to stay away for 5 years from the memories that were etched so deep in my brain.

Really, I was quite taken aback when I caught myself banging the cup on the table after you told me how you ended up splitting with your ex after 6 years.

But then I realised maybe it was just me being angry just like how I would be if one of my friends were to go through something similar. Heh.

Anyway, I guess the fact that you didn't really remember stuff during that period of time kinda saved me from a little embarrassment too. Haha.




This feels like what people would probably call a closure.

Because at least it kinda wraps up things that I didn't have a chance to express the last time I forced myself to let things go.




Thank you, for giving me this opportunity.

And as I have said earlier just now,

No matter how bad things had been sometimes, the good things are what has enabled me to still remember everything.
(Or maybe it's just my excellent memory like you said. Haha.)

I have been thinking that I have moved on for a while already,

But this closure to my innate feelings is what has re-assured me that I truly have.




Good bye for real now, my melodramatic past.

:)

"You could've rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell.

Could've walked away, but you're still here."

It's amusing to me how you seem to always say "it's my honour" whenever I am being nice to you.

When actually, it seems to be the other way around.

From the fact that you still spend some time to:

Talk to me every day, when you're usually so drowning with work, even if just for a couple times a day,

And hang out with me once in a while, when many others would probably want to meet you as well,

It's pretty clear that the honour should actually be mine.

I don't know what I am to you, and I don't know if I ever want to find out.

But you seem to be willing to spare some of your daily precious time for me, and for that I am glad.

Because Time is the most precious commodity that one can spend on.

Ready(?)

I haven't felt so shy looking at someone's pretty eyes and expressions in a long time,

'till I first saw you up close that day in our first band practice together.


I haven't made an effort to keep a conversation going with someone like this in a long time,

'till we first continued talking after a simple birthday wish.


I haven't had butterflies in my stomach being face to face in front of someone in a long time,

'till I met you again as an OGL partner in the camp.


I haven't remembered having this much spectrum of feelings,

'till I caught myself gazing at you during the camp.


I haven't felt so jealous of another guy like this in a long time,

'till I noticed how confident and charismatic he is towards you, and how I then started comparing myself.


I stopped believing that I can still fall in love,

'till I realised how hard I am falling for you.





Hey there bloggie,

It's been a long time coming.
I never thought I'd see the day when I would be able to feel like this way again.
But I'm kinda glad that I do, despite the risk of bloodbath that I'm getting into once again.

Past wound.

Hey there old friend,


I can't believe such an old scar can open up again.
I thought it was gone.


I met up with San, YiChao, and Archie earlier today.
And for some reason, I mentioned that she was my biggest love, still.


Filled up to the brim with melancholy, I decided to re-visit the past.
And as the songs that used to remind me about her, back in 2009, started playing,
I had an urge to open up photos of us together,
Those taken outside a classroom after her dance performance,
Those taken near the canal at the back of her old place.
Not to mention there is an archive of "important messages".
And when I opened the Word document, tears just started welling in my eyes.
My feelings overpowered me,
And my old scars tore apart again.


Why Bloggie, why?

I thought I have gotten over it all.
I thought all I have about her is anything but just pieces of memories, buried inside my head.
How can I still have all this feeling, all these surges of emotions?
How can I, after everything that happened, still wish that we have a chance?!
How can I still be so ready, as much as I know it will never happen, to accept her?


I honestly didn't know why I gave up holding up for her.
I used to think it was the right decision, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe this is another one of my bad mistakes.
Just looking at the remnants of our important conversations, when we defined each other as our soul mates, makes me recall the bliss I found myself in.
And instead of being thankful and persevering, I chose to drop everything, be an asshole, and give up.


Bloggie, can I make a request?
Can you take me back to 2009?
I swear I'll make everything right this time.
I won't give up.
On us.
Please?
Pretty please...?






















This blog existed because of you, dear.
As much as I hate to compare, you are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And seeing I have never seen anyone who I can make such a deep and profound connection with,
You probably will always be my soul mate.
You were my poison, but you were also my muse.
I don't wanna make the same mistakes again, so I won't give up looking for my partner-for-life this time.
But giving up on everything that we had was probably the stupidest thing I have ever committed.
So I hope you're happy and blessed, wherever you go next in life.
Maybe with your stronger, more determined, and truer soul mate.

Love,

Your soul mate from the past.

Trapped.

Hello, old friend.

It's funny, really.

I know I'm not exactly the kind of person that looks forward to what's coming ahead.
But what I find really puzzling, is that I don't just stay in the past.
I stay in the same time period. All the time.

Let me put it this way.
Whenever I recall about the past; in both good and bad memories,
The one that has the most impact was the period from 2006 to 2011,
Namely my first 6 years in Singapore.

It's like no matter what I do, every time I reminisce about the past, memories from these days affected me the most deeply.
Those 6 years were like a drug that I know will do me no good, but I keep consuming either way.

The years before that, came in second as a group.
Yes, they hold memories dear to me too, both pleasant and painful.
Yet somehow, the time period afterwards, 2012 until now, were the years that I don't really want to reminisce.
The years in SUTD.

I'm not saying the memories I made here aren't worthy.
Neither am I saying that I don't make any happenings worth remembering.
It's just, I think they have they make less impact.
Putting it bluntly, I don't think I have been in touch with my emotional side while I'm here, for a few obvious reasons:
For not wanting to experience the same kind of emotional torture, and of course for having been occupied with tons of school work, which drains me every day.

Or is it because I just grow up a little more, and in the process discarding a lot of things I always did from way before?

Thinking about it tho, maybe the lack of emotional engagement from my side is the one causing me not to miss much of these years.
Suddenly, the love songs I have heard from many eons ago make a lot of sense.
As cheesy as it sounds, no pain means no gain.
I won't be able to experience the sweet, if I don't risk getting the bitter.

I find it irritating too that somehow everyone has moved on, while I seem to still being the one desperately, pointlessly clawing my way back to the past.
It feels as if I'm moving on a long tube forward, with a set of pistons constantly, perpetually pushing me forward despite my best effort to stop them from stopping, much less retaliating.
Everybody has changed, somehow, someway, somewhat.
Yes, my outward appearance and my logical side have changed slightly too.
But deep down, emotionally I still feel that I'm the same me from 2010.

That's why I still have the same few best friends (tho I think they might not think the same way as I do).
That's why I still enjoy hanging out at the places I too used to frequent.
That's why, deep down, all the scars remain unhealed.
And that's why I can still keep coming back here, and relating to everything.

I may be constantly moving forward as the clock is ticking,
But within the time period of 2006-2011 is where I'm constantly trapped.

Hi there, old friend.

The reason I haven't been visiting much lately, is because I haven't felt catasthropically emotional, for a long time.
Which is exactly my point here.


Once again, I felt that my life is quite the joke.


When I was younger, I was always looking for The One, always on the opportunity to fall in love hopelessly and shatter my heart again and again.
No matter how many times I destroyed my heart into pieces, I always managed to glue them back together to an almost perfect state, if not perfect. Always ready to fall in love again after I recovered.

But then I was taught, that love isn't the most important thing in life.
That even if you find who you're gonna give your heart to for the rest of your life, you need other things to keep your relationship sustained.
Let's face it, when you're young, everything about love is very fairy-tale-ish.
But as you grow up, you start to face every other responsibilities that life will give your way, realistically speaking.
You've gotta complete your education, find a job, become financially responsible, and then you can start building your own family. But until then, no. There's practically no use to find love.

And then there's another thing.
You watch documentaries, videos, or listening to speeches about how love is not just about finding a romantic partner.
But love can be classified into more branches.
Love for one's self, love for your family, for your friends, for animals, for Mother Nature, for God, for human being, for what you do, for life. Everything. You just name it.
So then you start to wonder if finding The One is always the most important thing in your life.


Both of which are what I faced.


For now, I've yet to find myself falling head-over-heels over someone in the longest period over my entire life.
I just feel like I am both not ready and  no longer deserve to fall for someone like that and give my everything for someone.

I don't really know why I feel this way to be honest.
It might be just the scars from all my past heartbreaks that just won't heal any further.
It might be the realities of life finally starting to sink into me.
It might just be that deep down inside, I'm now more afraid than ever to risk falling in love and getting hurt all over again, after so many times.
It might be the fact that I just finally love my own self more, when in the past I was always mean to myself and gave everything for others, who often were not worth my time, much less my heart.

I no longer feel that I need love, or need to look for love.
That, is one thing I do know.