Not crazy. Not ridiculous. Then what?

It's crazy.

No, it's ridiculous.



After all these times, I still can't get over you.
I'm just a little too not over you.
The memories are supposed to be gone for good or bad. It doesn't matter either way.
But the reminisce of all the beautiful memories still goes intact in my head and heart.


I just can't bear myself to let myself go from the heavenly bliss I experienced a few months ago....




It was not even a year yet, and it feels like I'm having a dream.
I mean, those things that I believed had happened, feels like a dream to me. And the pain, however, feels wickedly real.
Day by day, I go through these beautiful tortures.
I keep getting scars on my fragile heart.




Living with those seemingly-unreal flowery memories is what keeps me from dying and getting back on my feet instead.
Yet I very well knew that if I don't let go of those beautiful memories, I won't get over her, and the pain will never go.



How ironic.



Argh. Wtf is with this dilemma -,-



What should I do?



Exams are almost here.


And yet they kill me slowly inside-out.

THAT'S ENOUGH!

Enough of it.



I've been saying so many times and yet I failed to focus on my own.



There's been enough slacking, relaxing, playing for now.




It's now time to START WORKING.
For my future. For my own.
Gotta stop playing and having leisure time.
At least put 'em on hiatus.








Let's end the playtime and start the working pistons with these;



"Jangan punya mental begitu, Vin. Kita belum coba jangan bilang sulit duluan. Orang lain aja bisa kenapa kita ga?" - Ci Elyn, about my doubt in being able to enter National JC.


"Masa depan kamu yang tentuin sendiri. Papa gak mau maksa. Jangan kerja keras karena Papa yang punya target. Kamu yang harus punya sendiri. Yang penting kamu dah berusaha SEBAIK MUNGKIN, itu udah bagus, apapun hasil akhirnya." - My Dad, about my future plans.


"Jangan malas-malasan lagi ya. Tidur yang cukup dan jaga badan. Udah mau O-Level. Rasa males dan santainya di buang dulu sementara. Kesempatan ini cuma sekali seumur hidup." - My Mum, about my slacking, even when O-level is already impending.


"One can only find his own Motivational Drive through himself. Nobody can help him." - Zhongyi, about lacking in the motivation to study.




Ok, now let's start moving. Kaito Daiki once said "If we start moving, something will start."

Why am i still going forward?

Internet's been sucky lately. And it really sucks, esp when u cant write here, bloggie...

Down with headache.... Better now, tho. Luckily it s not an h1n1 flu..haha.
She s been down with fever since few days ago...wad a coincidence huh.. - - NO i m sure it s purely coincidental - - ...

Also,

I wonder why sometimes ppl can just attract the wrong person. -,-

Like san, for example. -,-
He always attract malay girls. Well he looks like malay, although he like someone completely different frm wad we call Malay -,-

On my side,
I have always have unwanted ppl talking to me on msn. Rather, one person. Not that i hate her or wad. A lot of times i on msn to discuss homework with classmates bt she always wanna share problems abt her friends bla 3x.. Those are actually things i shld be least concerned with. -,-
Not that i dun wanna help. It wasnt the right time -,- so i will normally just reply very succintly, trying hard to disguise my annoyance.

Bt i guess it s a different thing for HER . Ok bloggie, this time u know who is this person :) someone who was important to me, very important. And still is :)

I hope she will talk to me, esp when i am not feeling very well.

The issue is she ll never be there.
She always said she s gonna be there for me. I dont care as fren or wad ok.
Truth is, how many times she fulfill her own words? I did count myself ok. Only abt a handful of times.
The rest, either neglected or it ll be in cases where 'wait till i go home then i online. I cant talk to u. Enjoying my heavenly bliss with my bf'.
No she nv said that.
Bt i am sure she meant that when i contacted her and she only cared to reply only after she go home and expected me to wait online.
Haiz.

Her reason? 'i dun want sms u while distracted. Dun wanna use 'busy' as an excuse'.
1st thing, if u are really busy, it s not excuse anymore.
2nd thing, if u dun wanna be disturbed when u are enjoying ur time with ur bf, just say so. I d rather face a painful truth rather than got cheated.

Please mind what u say my dear. Everything of it. Cause i take it seriously.
And cause i meant things i say to u. All of them.

I am always there whenever u find me.
I love u and dun give up till the day u showed me who u chose between me and him. Even then, i still have feelings for u after i decided to give up -,-
I meant it when i said my feelings are only for u, and i prove it. Dunno why sometimes u still dun believe -,-

I wonder which things u have told me that u meant for real.

And where was i?
Oh, the wrong attractions thing -,-
I hope it doesnt happen to much ppl..


Get well soon, sweetheart. If u fall sick even worse, i ll get a huge mental block. :) come back to sch soon. It soothe me just to see u and hear ur voice frm a distance :) on the other hand, it worries and pains me to see ur empty seat at the classroom.

P.s : this is just a melancholic note i wrote on my handphone last week :p

Which one?

Some people may think [or at least, I used to do so] that I knew what I want.
San, for example. He said I knew what I want and what I don't.
Like, I know I can never be with her, and so I decided to break off completely.



But



Do I, really?




'Cause now that I think about it again,
I am not sure either.


Even if I may appear as if I don't really give a crap about it anymore,
My heart keeps longing for her, desiring everything about her.
It still feels like her presence calms my soul down; her voice soothes my troubled self; her smile, her laugh still cheer me up; her happiness is what will make my day after all.
My logic, however, battles my feeling with every of the opposites.
My brain keeps telling me I have no hope for her. It can never work between her and me. Worst thing - "She has inflicted you with so much pain and grievances, you won't wanna take her back again, if she really comes back to you,".
I know, it'll never happen. She'll never come to me again.
I know I have no more chances, hope, whatsoever.


Between these two, I wonder who'll win.






Anywho, I gotta really focus on revision now.
My relatives all know about my ambition to become a doctor.
Whenever they talked about it again, I feel remorseful for neglecting my aims so often.
And I can't imagine how worse will I feel if I really fail to get into my dream career.

Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard.



I have to always remember, that if I really manage to become a doctor, not only I will be satisfied of my own hardwork. It'll bring pride to my beloved family as well..






















But I still do love you. My feeling has never changed, even after numerous of my attempts in telling myself to give up give up give up give up.



Oh I know you still can see all this, but I don't care. I don't block you from here.
Haha, but as if you'll come here ever again.
Oh here I go again, hoping for the hopeless, as always. Haiz.