The dwelling of the past, and the challenges on ahead.

In Indonesia now, my hometown.
After a brief 1 hour plus flight from Singapore yesterday.



As I was heading towards the airport in a taxi, we passed by a few roads and streets;
Places that hold memories of mine.


Bugis area
*Bugis Junction; The fun we brothers had. A place we used to frequent.
*Iluma; Alan, Halim, and me. Nothing to do. Went there when everybody else refused to join me after I asked.
*Along Victoria Street; Liaowei and me, walking along there. Blasting our hearts out. Talking abt life, and love.
*Finally, National Library; Mars, Alan, San, me were studying there. Not exactly studying though. Alan and me brought our laptops there. All the pleasures of making noises in the library, sitting on the floor.



Toa Payoh
I could only remember the day we all drank vodka, on the last day of O Level Exam.
I spotted her at Mr. Bean.
Walked along few shops and Toa Payoh Central street, to San's house.
12th storey, Sky Garden. That was where we had our drink.
Last but not least, a heavenly-happy moment in time with her.


Balestier
*BBQ at Archie's house, AVA Tower. Swimming, laughing away, like there's no worry at all.
*Balestier Student's Hostel. Her place-of-stay.
*Walking area between Balestier and Toa Payoh. Behind that hostel; where I sent her home for the first time.
*The canal behind her hostel. Again, a place where I was in a moment in time of happiness; Spending afternoon, talking away with her.



Changi Airport
The place where I first stepped onto Singapore for my journey of studying here.






What have happened, have happened.
These cannot be repeated for real. It can only be rewind, replayed in our virtual Memory Player, our brain and heart.
We can only relive those moments in there.


Instead, the future is what's gonna come.
Preparing for it is what I gotta do now.


Talking about Junior College,
I was thinking if I could enter Hwa Chong, I would.
But again, Mom suggested not to enroll in a school where supranatural brains are abound, I'll be a small fry, unnoticed.
If I am in a normal JC, like National, I'd be noticed more easily.
But it's not as if I can't excel in Hwa Chong, I have to try.
But it's not very likely...
But it's not as if your results can reach there. So many people get disappointed in their results even though they were very optimistic.
But..
But...

So many 'but's.

Urghhh...

My head's gonna explode.
Damn.





Ok, relax.
Enjoy the moment now.





I'll try to.






Meanwhile, another challenge arises.

A communication barrier between us now.
With my indo handphone number, I can't contact her vietnamese number. Can't send sms, can't receive one from her either.
I'll try to call tonight, see if it works. But I doubt it will -.-
What the hell man.

I can send to Indo number, I can do so to Singapore number too.
Why not hers.
It must be Destiny's test.
Testing on my ability to keep my feeling.
A test for us.

I don't wanna care anymore.
We can still keep in touch online.
If this is really a test,
It's up to Destiny and Fate if they wanna try bringing me down.
I'm not going down.


We'll [Or should it be "I'll"?] prove it.

Something I don't know, and the one I know.

Yesterday you told me you had a sudden relapse in your mood.

We were webcam-ing then, you were laughing non-stop happily.


And few minutes later you cried.


I thought you could feel better after crying, but even you said you didn't know what happened to yourself either.


I realised then that you had so much thoughts, feelings within you.
So much that you can't even make sense of all of them.
You even say you don't even know the meaning of 'letting out your feeling'.
When all along I thought you found your 'breathing space' within me.



I don't know how you will get better by going out tonight. I just hope you will.
I don't know how to make you feel better either.



But I know for sure,
That my mood for today would be as foul as a dead body.
'Cause I feel so useless,
and strangely, helpless.

I'm sorry. But again, I think it's not enough.

Last night was one of the most regretful nights.

Here's a note I wrote on my phone.


23/11/09, 2:39am


I am so stupid...

Have I no brain??? No feeling???

I don't even fit to claim that I love you.

I have known for a while about what she thinks everytime I am with other girls...
Jealous, hurt, that's what she is always thinking...

Yes, I know this already.
For so long already...

Yet why do I still do it sometimes,
Doesn't matter intentionally or not.

Few things are on my mind about this...

Firstly, it was unintentional, and misunderstanding.
Sometimes I hang out with girls, for study. Or when they wanna clarify some things...
This one is easy to solve...
Just tell her the truth, and hopefully she understands..
Well she always does in this case...

2nd case.
I really go out with a girl friend, just because I have nothing to do.
Or hang out with my housemates and their girl friends.
Because i feel I have nothing to do.,
Or because I can't talk to her at that moment, and desperately need something to distract myself from the emptiness I am feeling at the moment...
This one, like today, was a bit harder for her to accept...
Just now she wasn't online, and I was waiting for her [unconsciously]. Suddenly Lisa came to my room, wanting to borrow my external harddisk again for the movies.
So I gave it. But she invited me to join...
"maybe I should join also. Nothing to do in my room anyway. She won't be online."
That's what I was thinking.

But upon entering her room, I saw Stefanie.
"Oh, great. This could get more fun!" was my next thought.
Then I found out from them there was another one.
"Who could that be?"
Candice then entered the room.
I don't know her that well but oh nevermind.
But again,
"So many girls?? Oh damn. Wanna go out of here, but it feels very weird if I do. Might as well I stay. They don't mind, I don't too."
Then my heart skipped a beat. It thundered "Huyen minds."
Then unconsciously my mind replied "She's not online. You go back now oso you don't talk to her. Stay here lah. Remember yesterday? You waited till 1am plus, she didn't came at all?"
My heart went silent for a while,
But it keeps interrupting in the middle with whispering questions "What if she's online now?"
Again, my mind instinctively replied every time with "can't be lah. She always had a fun day. She'll be tired by now and gone to sleep already."

Typically of my heart, it never gave up.
After the movie was over, I tried not to appear too rushed to go back to my room.
But I was really rushing, I even forgot to take back my harddrive.



And there she was, online...
Of course I was surprised she had not slept yet, so I asked.
"Haven't. Just now wanted to call you but you were idle." was her reply.


And my whole self crashed like September 11.

She had been waiting.

And where I was? Having fun with other girls.
Of course I couldn't lie, and I told her the truth.
She was surprised.
And yes, upset afterwards.
Not even after I apologised many times she felt better.
Oh man I just wanted to hurt myself for this. I'm so disappointed with myself.


I should have let my heart won this time....


Anyway, 3rd reason,
And the most dangerous one.
Came from the dark side of me.

[I think it shouldnt even be written here, but since this is where I pour out everything, I'll just do it, okay?]

"I want to make her jealous, intentionally.
Never imagine how much I feel so hurt everytime you mention 'Boyfriend' and everytime you go out with him. While I'm home alone, crying silently every weekend, waiting for your call.
And when I'm with only FRIENDS, you feel hurt? Are you kidding me?
You always say you feel unhappy seeing me with other girls,
But hey dear, have you ever thought about how I feel everytime you mention that painful word to me and what you do with him?
Even if you can feel my pain, you still do it, many times.
So many until it feels like you purposely do it.
How can you say unhappy at me in this case, when you always torture me slowly from inside out everytime you're with him?
Not only when you're with him actually.
You strike a scar on my heart all the time.
I never think of other girls.
Only you.
Yet you think of him all the time.
If you say you're unhappy because of this, I'll be awarded with Most Emo Person In The World Award.
Just think about it, my dear."



Argh!!!!! NOOOO!!!
NO NO NO NO!!!!


Goodness, I can't believe I said all that.
No, that's my darkness self.
It's in my control.
I won't let it show up :)
What he says, let's not bother okay :)



From now on, this is what I promise to you, soulmate [Even though I know you won't read this].
Whoever I'm with, it's you who's on my mind.
Other girls, they're just FRIENDS.
I mean it, always.
But still, I know you can't help feeling hurt.
So I'll promise I won't hang out with other girls unless I really have to see them okay?
I know what you'll say. You have no control over me.
But I do. That's why I'm controlling myself.
In order to prove how I feel towards you, how much you mean to me,
This is all nothing.


About you and him, sorry for feeling all that.
I know that from the start.
Yet I still chose to love you.
This is inevitable.
But then again,
'A light of hope at the end is what I need to keep me going, even if the path I'm taking will be torturous.'
I'm not giving you up, no matter how much pain it's gonna inflict me :)



Anyway I'll just hope that what my dark side said wasn't true at all.
'Cause it sounded truthfully, painfully true.

Counting the days, passing by...

It's 21st of November 2009

8 days after the end of my biggest academic battle so far, O Level Exam.
8 days after we drank vodka.
5 days after the chalet.
4 days after she went back to her hometown.
6 days to me flying back to Jakarta.



Well, what can I say?

In terms of a week, a lot of things could happen.

Me getting much closer with her
Liaowei getting much closer to Yongyi.
The strengthened brotherhood.


Yet, we cant predict what's gonna happen within a few days.

Liaowei should be arriving at Shanghai anytime soon now.
Few days ago Yy and him were just on a date almost everyday.
The next 2 months, he's gonna try to keep in contact, so as not to let the feeling fade away.

As for me,
Days passed by just like that, very quickly now.
Before Tuesday, everything seemed so enjoyable, so slow.
It was even on the brink of stopping.

Now, 4 days have gone by since then.



So far, we could still keep in contact.
Just that sometimes, she was in need to entertain her friends or relatives who visited her house.
Sometimes even she went out.
And that yeah, hindered our communication.



But I guess,
There's no need to that.
As long as both are in contact [Well we do now, at least once a day]
Some things are no need to be said. We both know already.

Looking at the past photos,
I could always relive my feeling.
Closing my eyes at every night,
I could always let myself be filled with the warmth of the evenings I spent with her.
And by the time I open my eyes again,
I can always know, and feel that she's still the one.


And this is what I'll always do.
There should be a point of contact everyday, at least once.
If ever one of us , or both, cant make it online.
Then I'll send her an email, describing about thing I might say at that moment.

Doesnt matter if she will read, or even reply.
At least I make my effort, to keep everything together, not fall into pieces or dissipate into thin air.
And I believe, efforts will pay off.


Liaowei said: Surely can, just believe.
Mars said: Keep trying, man.
And I said: So close, why give up now? When I feel like giving up, I gotta remember why I've held on for so long.


We are on our goals now.
Different goals, One attitude.
I'm never gonna give up.




I'm not giving up on you.
Even as you clearly stated your doubts today,
About me getting closer to others,
I'll let time and myself prove that what you doubt, what you think will happen, is all not true.


I'll show you that we're the one.

Just a note I wrote yesterday....but today...is a different story afterall.

On 14/11/09, around after midnight, I wrote this note in my mobile phone, describing what we did on the 13/11/09 evening.



This was one of the best day of my life.

We brothers went out to drink alcoholic drinks.
Yongyi and Huyen joined us too.

Unexpectedly, Yongyi grew uncontrollable. She soon started to cry, a bit crazy, and swore a lot after half-cup of vodka.

But seriously, the 43% of alcohol in the vodka was a little bit too much, even for me. Beer has only 5%. I drunk slowly, but in the end I still felt restless.

This was when the best part came.

While Yy and Liaowei were talking somewhere else, Huyen and me were talking on our own. We stood very closely towards each other. We had a good talk, a good fun, and it was definitely very sweet.
Once or twice I lied on her shoulder, I was too tired due to the vodka.
She doesnt seem to mind though, and let me tell you the feeling was heavenly to me.
I know normally it's the girl who lies on the guy's shoulder, but maybe I'm a bit abnormal. Haha.
I've never lied my head on someone's shoulder before.
And I certainly have never been this close and personal to someone.
I can feel that we both becoming closer and closer day by day, which is quite good, to me :)

On the way to interchange, Yy was getting even worse.
Walked not straight and Liaowei had to hold her to keep her stable.
Haiz. We'll never bring her to a liquor session again.
We've learnt our lesson.

Meanwhile, when walking to interchange, She stood really close to me. Our hands even touched each others'.
Oh my, it was real happiness.
And she sometimes put her hand on my shoulder, or on my arm.
Near her home, before we parted ways, I gave her a hug.
Man, that was certainly one of the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

So this is how love between two person might have felt like.

Even hours after we went home,
I could still feel her hands massaging my shoulder,
I could feel her tiny hands on top of my shoulder,
I could still feel her shoulder when my head rested on it,
I could still feel the warmth of her hug.
And I certainly can feel how much I mean to her.

At that moment I wished time could just stop, so this happiness I feel will last forever.
But nothing lasts forever right,
Still, I'll try to last this for very, very long.
Cause now I too have realised how much she means to me in my life.






Well, that was it.


And yesterday night was our BBQ and chalet session.
All 4e1 boys were there and some girls, including her, was there too.

YY was the only girl staying behind overnight with us boys.
She didnt stay, I know,
But we maximised our chances when time still allowed.
Whenever she talked to me, I cant help but feeling happy all over and forget almost everything else. Well, almost.
So she went home about 8.30pm.
Quite early, but hey, it wasnt as if we both had a choice =)
She wasnt allowed to stay overnight.
But that was it, I thought. Just another separation.




However, under some influence of alcohol, I started to miss her, badly.
It was barely 2 hours after we last exchanged hugs, but her presence lingered on my mind and I wanted to see her already.
Sitting on the poolside with my bros and Yy, I couldnt help but thinking of her all the time, even verbally expressing what I desired for at that moment, that is, to be with her spending that beautiful and serene night.
We all knew that was not gonna happen, but even that didnt stop my negative self. My positive mindset lost all the battle, since my negative self was greatly helped by the emptiness my heart was feeling.

All of a sudden I was very afraid of this coming holiday.
I have always wanted a break, going back to my hometown. It's been one year since I last lied on my home.
This time, though, I'm afraid of the emotional burden I'm gonna bring back.
What do I mean here?
You see, even after only few hours of not seeing her,
My mind was in a total whirl.
I dont dare to imagine how bad this can be if I aint able to see her for bloody 2 months.
That's gonna bring me an unbearable pain, although might not be as much as how it did during the period when I was avoiding her.
I'll just hope that my positive side would win eventually.
I kept telling myself that it's a fact that we both know we can never forget each other during this period,
That we both will keep in contact,
And that we both will miss each other deeply.

But still,
I know she'll have much much fun during the whole holiday that she will hardly have time to sit down in front of her laptop chatting with me.
Unlike me, who'll be most probably playing basketball or relaxing at home all the time.
Afterall, she has a whole lot of friends and in my new place, I dont have any.
Ok, only one. But it's a girl. So don't expect much spending time with her either.
Anyway she wouldnt be happy if I do =)

And without communication, I can see what's gonna happen alr.
Gradually the feeling will just fade away.
And what has happened, will just go off to thin air.
And this is what's so scary. =.=

Oh, anyway, talking about separation.
I'm having a lot of doubts next year, after realising what might happen.
Talking to Liaowei made me realise this.

Afterall, he realised that Yy too, was scared that he might forget her next year, due to the difference in their studies, and well, maybe their world too.

Lw: Now I'm starting to doubt myself, whether or not I can still remember her after JC =.=
Me: Can what. As long as both want to keep in contact, will not forget.
Lw: The thing is I think she dont want....
Me: .......
Lw: she scared I forget her, after meeting better girls in JC.


Talking about this made me realise what She told me might really happen.
And I'm scared.
Although she doesnt say it directly, I know what she was concerned about.

She: Next time I go to library, then see you with ... ^^
Me: With who? Haha.
She: ...with one girl, study together. Very happy =)
Me: Yeah, one girl. Maybe from different JC what =) *looking deep into her eyes*
She: =P

It might not be too visible, but I know what was on her mind.

I'll meet what she calls 'better girls' in JC, and then forget her. And might not treat her like a soulmate should anymore.
I'll realise that my soulmate is not her.
And then I'll forget her.
And then I'll be a stranger.


But again and again I assured her on that day that for me, different JC doesnt matter. We can still make it happen.
That doesnt seem convincing to her.


If she has the right to be afraid, so do I, right?
She may meet another guy who's much better at comforting her and much more like a soulmate to her.
And then with the busy schedule, she doesnt come online often.
And then we'll never talk anymore, although I'm online as long as I'm home.
And then she'll forget me.
And then we'll become stranger.



That's not very pleasant to think about isnt it?


If that really happens to me,
I might as well lost my will to live.
People have their gut instinct,
And mine says that She's the one, the missing piece of my happiness.
And if she abandons me,
That should be it.

Possibly my real-self can never come out again.
Possibly I'll lose my pillar of support.
And surely, I'll never find a complete happiness in this life.
There'll still be other devastating consequences.
And it's better if I dont write it out,
Better still dont think of it.

People say the life in JC was going to be very hectic, so busy that you cant even have time for yourself.
I'm not intimidated by any of it.
At most, some of my leisure time will still be present.
And definitely, I'll have special amount of time allocated just for her.
But that's if she wants to make this happen too.
This is what I fear; not JC itself but what might happen between us during this period.

I'm never so afraid of the future before.
What if it comes to reality?
What if...
=)



P.S.
Jose said that my palm line, unlike others, have not much of them.
And so my fate is yet to be unwritten. I decide my own fate.
I hope this can help.






One thing I know for sure.
I'm not giving you up till my last ounce of mental strength.