Officially separated, physically.

We were officially separated, and went to different path of life now.


Different JC, that is.

But I promised that we will still be we.


Hopefully we will be.



After thinking how horrible I felt about my first day in NJC today,
I suddenly thought about the good old days in FTPSS.


I miss all the fun with my brothers.
I miss the laughter in class.
I miss all the jokes we made and shared.
I miss all the times with them.


Also,
I miss the first day I saw her.
I miss the day we became close friends.
I miss the day when I first confessed to her.
I miss the day we first had lunch together.
I miss the day we first spent time on the bridge behind her house.
I miss the day we first stood under one umbrella together.
I miss the day she said "I miss you" for the first time.
I miss the day she called me a soulmate.
I miss the day I first lied my head on her shoulder.
I miss the day we first hugged.
I miss the day when I really felt cared and loved.




But I told myself afterwards.
That was all in the past.
Only our future awaits in front of us.
The brotherhood can be made stronger,
And definitely I hope there'll be something new to look for between me and you.



So I guess I shouldn't feel so bad.
I could have made up my to be forward-looking instead.
And in the meantime,
All I can do for her is to be there everytime.

Same old brand new dilemma

Another same old brand new dilemma.


She cant choose between one of us, or so it seems to me now.

But sooner or later, I know it won't be me. I'll be abandoned.
She'll go with him afterall.


Should I move on, trying not to try anymore?

But if I give up now, it's still not the end yet. I may get different result.

Yet the outcome seems crystal-clear now.

She'll not be with me in the end.
It looks too much for her to give up the future Security for Happiness.
Yeah yeah yeah. To her I'm "a short-term Happiness. We won't spend the rest of my life together. No, not even the slightest chance of it."


...

And so my brain shouts, "What are you waiting for?! Move on!"


But this is what I am.

I'm a clear-cut near-hopeless case when it comes to giving up in chasing my Happiness.


On one side, I don't wanna give up trying as long as I could make out the tiny glimpse of hope in front of me.

On another side, my soul is starting to get weary after all the daily mental tortures.

And my Negative self can't wait to give her an ultimatum.
For her to choose one, once and for all.
For me to get all, or nothing at all.
But..
BUT..
This childish action, is totally not preferable.
It'll only show her, to the world, and to myself how immature and hot-headed I am.

After all, one of my resolutions this year is to keep calm and cool-headed in various situations.

Calm down calm down.
I know I'm just exhausted after having to make the decisions regarding moving house and the transport+study/nap plan shld I get a far-far-away JC.


Haha to some people this is tiny matter. Like an annoying flying insects which require just a little squash to get rid of.

Why do I make it sound so big and troublesome.

What an immature seventeen-year-old creature I am.
Other homosapiens my age have learned to sharpen survival skills.

Me?
A spoiled brat who needs to rely on others to help.


Noob. Suck.

An update after long.

I've not been updating regularly huh..

Life has been busy for me, bloggie.

Not that I have a lot of things to do.
It's just that I feel very pressurised, mentally.
I'm in a period where I don't have a permanent place to stay, currently.
This feeling of having to keep moving from one temporary place to another, is just slowly screwing me inside out.
And while I need to find one urgently, my parents seem to be very relaxing.
They want a really, really cheap room, yet not appear too rushed.
But damn it, I NEED to rush in finding a place soon...
They keep saying their doubts if my JC will be far from my place-of-stay, bla3x...
But I don't care. I've already thought of a plan, and told my mom too.
If I didn't manage to enter NJC, at most I'll bear 6 months before finding a new place.
Or I can bear studying in the bus during my journey to and from school.
Heck, I can even take my nap.
So I totally think that this decision of mine wasn't impulsive. Because I really have thought it through!

And about her,
Again I'm being torn apart by my own Mind and Heart respectively.
Can they work together just for once and not conflicting all the time?
My brothers have advised me to just find a New One soon. They said without going out and spend time together, we can never make it through.
My Mind totally agreed.
We've never gone out together.
I've never asked, knowing what she would answer anyway.
No.
Yep, that's what I usually get.
Especially if I say there'll only be two of us.
Knowing my brothers, they'll say no if I ask them out with her.
And which other girl do I have available to ask to go out? -.-

My Heart, however, said otherwise.
It always sings me a lyric from Westlife song, Swear It Again, one of her favourites, and mine too.
"And all of the people that we used to know, just giving up they wanna let it go, but we're still trying.."
True.
Liao wei and Mars both gave up and let go of Yy and Stacy respectively.
Me and her? Still trying.
Just by communicating, yes, virtually.
I feel that it's still possible to get better, but to what extent, I don't know.
Sometimes, some things that need to be communicated get screwed up because she either doesn't wanna talk about it or she feels it's not the right time to discuss them.

....

Usually two people have to spend time together often to keep the feeling on its peak.
I don't know about her, but my feelings stay on top performance just by communicating virtually with her.
I can feel that we're different from other couples.
In the span of 2 years plus, the number of times we go out together doesn't even reach five.
Yet our feelings remain quite strong, and hopefully still growing.
[Please, don't let what I say here be just my imagination. I hope the feeling's strong for real...]

Nonetheless,
There's a voice coming from my Mind's direction.
It keeps screaming something, which I have tried hard to ignore but to no avail.

"As long as she doesn't break up and choose between one of you, this is as far as you go. In the end, all your blood and tears will go to vain again. It'll only kill both of you. You'll be abandoned in the end!"

I tried to turn both a blind eye and a dead ear to the shout.
But the more I ignore, the harder the phrase shoots through my senses.


Unfortunately, I can't deny that it sounds painfully right.....

Let Destiny does his job.
If he wanna support me, he'll show the way.
Likewise, if he means to drill some more holes in my chest, he surely will.

It's been long, right?

I believe I haven't got in touch with you for quite long, bloggie.


As usual, my feelings were in a flux again.



Few days ago I turned to be quite emotionless about this stuff that has been going inside me.
About her and everything else about her.


I didn't really care anymore.
I didn't care what she wanted to do.
I didn't care who she was with.
I didn't care who she wanted to be.
I didn't care about what and how she was feeling.


I don't mean 'didn't care' in a bad way here.
It was just that I wouldn't get the urge to punch the wall if my emotions fluxed at the mention of her.
I was calm.



Now I am not, anymore.
The calmness starts to fade.



My emotions were again in a whirl.



Just minutes ago before she went to sleep, we talked about whether she would forget her old friends, despite her not wanting her friends to forget her.

And for some unknown reasons, I typed what I really was feeling;
That I felt neglected by her.


I denied it at the end, that maybe this was just due to my selfish attitude, so I feel neglected.
I don't know if it really is because of my selfishness or it really is like what I said.



But I do feel this way.
This is one of the reasons why I left an invisible scar on my knuckles.
They can't be seen, but the pain can be felt everytime I touch it.


But let this serve as a painful reminder to me,
Together with the bookmarked Facebook notes that she has written.

This will serve as a reminder for me not to be too good too quickly, or I'll just be a spare tyre.
This will serve as a reminder for me to choose someone carefully before falling in love. But oh well, falling in love is not an option. It is destiny.
This will serve as a reminder for me not to get controlled by my own emotion. This is of the utmost important.









This is funny, I just wrote not to punch wall.
Now I wanna bang the wall in front of me.
=_=





Even though I didn't care.
My feelings didn't change the slightest bit.
Still going strong, still flaring.
While I think her feeling to me compared to this is just a candle light. Haha.


Nevermind, adoring someone doesn't mean she has to adore me as much as I adore her.
I can still watch her and someone else from their backs, wishing happiness for her and smile as she smiles happily.




Though it may not be me who makes her happy.

One more note.

This time, on the wee hours of 31/12/2009



Talking to liao wei have made me more resolute in my doubts about leaving singapore for australia.


He said:"is she more important or your future is?"

Of course for now it seems that she is more important.

But looking further ahead, my future is.

But.
She IS equally important.

Isnt a piece of your soul important?
Well she is a big part of my soul.
And the most important part as well.


Lying awake at night like this, i cant help thinking abt you.
I always do.


And i realise how much a burden it would be for me to be apart from you.
I dunno about you, but i think it's not gonna be much of a problem.
You are so used of not seeing me anyway.

Me? I should have got used to not seeing you.
But there's this bleeding inside of me that just refuse to clot.


Dear bloggie, i have to let her know sooner or later.

The thing is, i cant bear to say good bye.

So childish.
This is so one sided.

Anyway i have alr expected what she would do.
Probably just get shocked a bit. Then encouraged me to go there. And then good luck. And then bye2.

Simple. While i'll be at a loss of words.
And probably crying.
To top it all, my unstoppable bleeding would have a new company.
More, and stronger bleedings will come.








I still dunno how to survive mentally afterwards.

Just a note.

A note I wrote the wee hours of 30/12/2009



I'm in another dilemma now.
Few months, no few weeks ago, even few days ago, i had my mind all the way on JC.


Now i had another option offered to me.

Straight to one year Foundation Programme in australia, then 6 year medicine faculty.
My dream is just ahead of me.

The weighing of the options i have gone through in details in my other blog, bloggie. So i'll mention another dilemma here.
A bigger one, and definitely more painful.



If i ever leave to pursue my degree in australia next year,
Not only i have to leave my heart and soul before i am prepared.
I'm breaking my promises as well.


I've promised to be there.
I've promised to make things work between us.
I've promised to be her only soulmate.

If i'm leaving,
Things change.
Drastically.

Frankly speaking,
Suddenly i have to leave her behind.
And worse, it may be the last time i'll ever see her.

I remember talking about the period of torture if i ever live without her.
Although even now i dont live with her in my life all the time,
At least i can feel she's occupying the most of it.

With me studying in australia,
It's not the same anymore.
Distance isnt the problem. It never is.
It's the communication gap.
I can never contact her anymore.
Even if i ever could,
It would be like patrice and me.
Nothing much to say after so long.
And there goes my most important part of myself.
And you know what? That's excruciating.


I dunno how i can handle this.

My brain calculates that it's better to pursue my studies in australia.

My heart doesnt wanna leave her side.


Which side should i follow?


I'm feeling very sick now.

I dont wanna lose more sleep due to this.

God please let me hear Your voice once again.

I believe you know what's best for me.

If you say i should leave her, then so be it.

Although it means a struggle with pain and torture each night and every day.



Haha i guess in this kind of period, it's when you realise most easily the extend of how you value and love a person.

Because i realise now how bad it will slit my heart just by thinking of living without her.