No I'm wrong again

I was wrong.


My feelings this time were crush only.




It was easily swayed. No it's not true.




How could I forget that this all takes time???




Turns out although I've not yearned for what's passed,
I have yet to get over the past completely.





My chest still aches everytime I remember all the beautiful things that occurred.
It aches everytime it remembers all the lies.
All the fakeness.
But it rejoices at the flowery happenings.





Time and again I was caught in a dilemma.






Oh when will this be over?

When do I start thinking of you?



I barely know you, you hardly know who I am.



We don't even engage in conversation.




But secretly, I wish I could tell you a few things.




I wish I could say,
How cheerful you look everyday.
How alike you look like Hello Panda before you got your new haircut.
How your cute new haircut made me smile to myself.
How you make draggy college hours everyday seem so much better for me.
How you make my day just when I see you laugh.
How honoured I am to be in same class with you.
How glad I am that we have met.




But that's only what I wish.
Not gonna happen. Haha. =)

Unsurprisingly, yet unbelievably true.

It's expected that I should feel this way.

Maybe should even feel on my expectation. In fact, now I don't feel as good as I expected.


But when the deja vu came,
Something which always happened time and again...
An event where I need to acquire my adoration again..
I didn't feel as how I normally responded to this type of incident.


Usually, when I try to back away, and this thing happens,
My feeling would go full force at an instant, despite the suppression I give.


But now,
Although I again tried to care and help her as much as possible,
I realised that I wasn't expecting things like how I used to do.

I treated this problem as a consultation by a mere good friend.
Without realising it, of course.


It's totally blowing my mind..



This thing,
Something which I thought was impossible to do,
Something that I thought could never happen,


Am I finally letting it all go?

What the hell?

Is this PW?


Is this merely human nature?



Or is it just me?




It's funny how good friends can suspect the other just because of the Preliminary Ideas for Project Work..
It's ridiculous how swift a trust can be broken just because of this. Just because of an idea.




I mean, what is wrong with asking casually what you are doing????




Frankly, some of my good secondary school friends were suspecting me of going to steal their ideas just because I'm asking them what topic they are doing.



First is San, then Zhongyi.

I mean, not that we don't talk before.
San and me were like best friends.
Zhongyi and I were very good friends.

And do you know what they did?





Me: Hey, doing PI?
San: Yea. >.<
Me: Lol. What topic you are doing?
San: Dun tell u, I wanna be the only one doing it.

That kinda pissed me off.
What the fuck? Good friends ask also mean stealing?
And do you even know what he did?
Malaysia-Singapore merger.

Come on!

THAT'S A FUCKING COMMON TOPIC.
THE WHOLE SINGAPORE CAN THINK OF THAT ==



And Zhongyi,


Me: Anw what topic u doing?
ZY: What topic ARE u doing?

....
What an obvious implication of a suspecting attitude...





Will Yichao, Mars, LW do this too?
Will my brothers think the same?



Well I can't say about that.
They're humans afterall.
And humans, no matter how close to others, may still harbour some seeds of distrust to others.









I'm glad to know that I'm not like that =)

At first,

I thought that no wonder I couldn't let the feeling go yet,

I've made promises and my conscience refused to walk away without fulfilling them first...



And from an excerpt of book Five People You Meet In Heaven, the woman said to the main character that when all senses die, another heightens.


Memory.



He nurtured it, he made it a medium for his love. Though the woman died long ago and he had no chance to shower her with the feeling, his memory kept the feeling alive.




"Life ends, but love doesn't."



But...
This is not what I want to happen to me.





This is the point where I'm most down.
Where I need to get back up.
The pain is making the signal for me to stop this, again and again....




But the Memory, being heightened as my logic said to move away,
Is becoming a powerful nuisance instead of tool.



I don't want what had happened to hinder myself from moving on.
I want them to be simply memories I left behind, lessons to learn from.







The thing is,
I think I'm making progress.



It's still slow, painfully slow. What with the new heart-wrenching pictures and facts that are new and coming to hazard me again.



But surprisingly, I wasn't that badly affected.
Which implies that I might have started to let it all go afterall.



I hope so.
I need to.
Even though I don't want to.....





Because I'm no longer needed.
Should I even need someone who doesn't need me? That would be kinda ridiculous, wouldn't it?









I shall just indulge myself in my own virtual land.
Digimon or whatever, I don't really care.
Virtual land is always more beautiful than reality.









Haha, for once again, I had myself imagining,

Why don't Digimon become real? :)