Just a note.

A note I wrote the wee hours of 30/12/2009



I'm in another dilemma now.
Few months, no few weeks ago, even few days ago, i had my mind all the way on JC.


Now i had another option offered to me.

Straight to one year Foundation Programme in australia, then 6 year medicine faculty.
My dream is just ahead of me.

The weighing of the options i have gone through in details in my other blog, bloggie. So i'll mention another dilemma here.
A bigger one, and definitely more painful.



If i ever leave to pursue my degree in australia next year,
Not only i have to leave my heart and soul before i am prepared.
I'm breaking my promises as well.


I've promised to be there.
I've promised to make things work between us.
I've promised to be her only soulmate.

If i'm leaving,
Things change.
Drastically.

Frankly speaking,
Suddenly i have to leave her behind.
And worse, it may be the last time i'll ever see her.

I remember talking about the period of torture if i ever live without her.
Although even now i dont live with her in my life all the time,
At least i can feel she's occupying the most of it.

With me studying in australia,
It's not the same anymore.
Distance isnt the problem. It never is.
It's the communication gap.
I can never contact her anymore.
Even if i ever could,
It would be like patrice and me.
Nothing much to say after so long.
And there goes my most important part of myself.
And you know what? That's excruciating.


I dunno how i can handle this.

My brain calculates that it's better to pursue my studies in australia.

My heart doesnt wanna leave her side.


Which side should i follow?


I'm feeling very sick now.

I dont wanna lose more sleep due to this.

God please let me hear Your voice once again.

I believe you know what's best for me.

If you say i should leave her, then so be it.

Although it means a struggle with pain and torture each night and every day.



Haha i guess in this kind of period, it's when you realise most easily the extend of how you value and love a person.

Because i realise now how bad it will slit my heart just by thinking of living without her.