So far okay...

hahaha...good good

i dont think so negative anymore

now learning to take things more positively

wont indulge myself in negative thinkings so much

got so many things to do

Need For Speed Undercover especially xD

Ball senses practice xD

Abdomen exercises xD

but still, i cant get myself to study ==

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

die

die

now is a problem on how to get mood to study =='

OKAY

No more distractions

I have got over myself much better...

I gotta study..study study study...

I havent studied anything for SPA tmr ==

Nvm....I wont let my feeling affect my work...CYA ppl xD

Sick...suck...SICK IN MY HEAD ==

Ok, just a short post

I feel so sick

so sickkkkk

coz 

embarrassingly,

whenever i receive an sms

90% of me hope it is always from u

always

all the time

when actually, in fact, 90% is not from u

hahahaha

How ironic

i feel so sick

since when i became like this ==

AND WHERE THE HELL HAVE I LOST MY DETERMINATION TO STUDY AND DO HOMEWORK ==

I have dropped it off somewhere

and now i DONT CARE abt homework

No mood to study

No mood to do homework

No mood for school

Only have mood for games and relax, slacking

Damn, mid year exam is just 1 week+ away

I'm gonna be dead =)

Is there a need for a 'straightening-out' ?

Mixed feelings are battling inside me.

I dunno what made me feel so bad that I lost all my mood to do anything, even homework and study, which I am SUPPOSED to do....==

It's another problem with him again. 

This time even worse , he said those "i am tired of you" straight out. 

Before I gotta tell u what I felt when u told me that, I already wanted to smash my fist through something.

I know how painful that words are

Especially when told by someone u love the most in this world.

You never told me that

Yet I felt so much pain inside me, just because the person you love the most told it to u =)

I cant imagine how much hurt u might be feeling inside, though u hide it

Can't imagine how much tears u might have shed

Can't imagine how shattered ur heart was

Can't imagine...... =.=

And I hate myself

I hate to see someone i love so much being hurt like this

I hate to see her, who is supposed to be treated so much better, being treated this way

I hate myself for being unable to do anything

I hate myself for letting ur tears drop

I hate myself for not being there

I hate myself for DOIN NOTHING

I wanna do something

But there's nothing I can do

NOTHING

NOTHING I have done could cure her, could ease her pain, her hurt

AND DONT YOU KNOW I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND SOMETHING TO CURE YOUR HEART????!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

I am seriously affected by this.

I have no mood to study

I am always distracted

Even though by playing basketball I was pumped up with adrenaline, 

the pain just lies in wait, and when my adrenaline level goes down, it strikes me back ==

Damn YOU! ==

I have been thinking

One of my bro was telling me yesterday, "U should think what really matters to u. 

U wouldnt want to sacrifice my studies and future for her."

He even told me to consider if I really should forget her.

"Consider that this way, it really is going nowhere for u.

U love her so much, but she might never feel the same, U might be wasting my time in this O Level  year."

Maybe I should really take a break.

1). Treat her like last year. Love her unconditionally, though I thought she WILL never feel it this way towards me =)

2). DONT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN WITH WHATEVER I HAVE GIVEN HER.

But.....

That might need some time,

and I might need to get away from her for a period of time.

Worse case, i might even need to stop all contact with her.

And even worse, might have to treat like she never exists.

It will be very hard, almost impossible for me, if i ever need to go until that extent.

But for O-level, I gotta be strong.

For my future.

For my dreams.

For my parents who had put so much effort to pay for my studies

For my world.

For myself.

For God.

I gotta do this.

COME ON , KEVIN

DONT GIVE UP

STRIVE HARD TOWARDS YOUR GOALS

DONT BE DISTRACTED

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING

NEVER BACK DOWN

ONE LIFE. LIVE IT HARD, LIVE IT STRONG.  

=)

NEVER BACK DOWN

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I cant give up

Think and take things positively

NEVER BACK DOWN

Face everything, Kevin

Dont ever give in to ur emo side again

Dont be egoistic

DOnt , dont take things too negatively

Remember, and U can go surf through everything

In the end, it doesnt matter at all =)

IN THE END - by Linkin Park

It starts with

One thing

I dunno why

It doesnt even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme to explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch the countdown till the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

So unreal

Didnt look out below

Watch the time go, right out the window

Trying to hold on, didnt even know

I wasted it all , just to watch you go

I kept everything inside ,

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me, will eventually, be a memory, of a time

[chorus]

I tried so hard, and got so far

But in the end, it doesnt even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end, it doesnt even matter

One thing,

I dunno why

it doesnt even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind 

I designed this rhyme to remind myself how I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised they got so (far)

Things arent the way they were before

You wouldnt even recognise me anymore

Not that you knew me back then but it all comes back to me in the end

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me, will eventually, be a memory of a time

[chorus]

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this,

There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this,

There's only one thing you should know

[chorus]

In the end - Linkin Park

Hint: the bold and italic ;)

Strangely painful =X

Hahahahhaahhahaha...

i just wanna laugh at myself when i wanted to do this post

i thought it wasnt very obvious between us?

Why ppl are asking around if we are together....teachers as well O_O

Very weird.....==

do we really look like that --

Hahahahahahahaha...this is the funny part

i dun even know why i am feeling painful

The more ppl ask,

the more i feel the pain

Maybe,

because i realise that the more ppl ask,

the more i gotta realise the fact that she is already attached and we can never be together =)

Why are those 2 facts hurting me so much? =)

RANDOM POST ENDS HERE xD

When I'm with somebody, all I think about is you

When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do 

=)

IF =)

This is a poem, from a friend of mine. I thought it was beautiful and suits me too...so yeah i decided to share with u bloggie =)


IF



*If this is the last time we meet
*I'll smile and try to be sweet
*I'll cry and look down to my feet
*Forever you'll be gone

*These words, these lines, these feelings,
*Will they just live for the time being?
*Or will they vanish in the darkness of the night
*Will I move on? Will I be alrite?

*People call this selfish
*As i constantly think of you every minute
*Though in ur mind, there was never me
*Though in our minds, together we cannot be

*Heart-broken was the day i confess
*Rivers of tears I have shed
*Hurt and hopeless
*Palpable sense of loss and emptiness

*I have a dream that we'd be walking down the aisle
*Tinkles of happiness sparkle in our eyes
*Forever it will be a fantasy of mine
*Or one day, it will actually happen in our lives?


COPYRIGHT: My, 2009



xDD

Sorry sorry sorry ==

I kinda hate the word Sorry now

It has been used so many improper times that i feel it is so insignificant to some ppl now

They say sorry without meaning it at all
JUST FOR THE SAKE OF SAYING IT

WAT THE....

I AM very fed up

U all
everytime like that

One of u, always suddenly fed up
dun wanna go out lah
lazy la
no mood la
all the time like that


ANother one
Follow the first person i described like HE IS YOUR DAMN FATHER
wadever he do
wadever he say
wadever he choose
up to u la
not my business


another one
suddenly no no
dun want
anti social
they two dont go , u oso dont go
follow


fed up with u 3 lah

to think i treat u as gd frens
esp first 2, like brothers

and u all like this

ALL SO SELFISH

NEVER THINK OF WAD I FEEL


wadever man




only him
has been my best buddy since sec 1
nv forsake me
though filled with flaws
but very faithful friend
who would stand by me when everyone else goes away
thanks mate
i really appreciate that
but he says sorry a lot, way too many times
haha
i'll help him change, for his own good,
at least tats the least i can do to repay his faithfulness









P.S.
she came online again
was it a gd sign?
haha
we'll see abt it

i hope she really doesnt change =)


but still
wadever i say are so significant to her =)
no use
no meaning
i always say for the sake of saying right?



Haha...



And for my buddy, thanks again =)

Can't Help But Wait - Trey Songz

I can’t help but wait…
Oh I, can’t help but wait…
Check it out

I see you, you're with him - he ain’t right but you don’t trip
You stand by, while he lies - then turn right 'round and forgive
I can’t take to see your face, with those tears run down your cheeks
But what can I do - I gotta stay true
'cause deep down I’m still a G

And I don’t wanna come between you and your man
Even though I know I treat you better than he can

Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can’t help but wait

Listen, it ain’t fresh to just let him call the shots
You’re a queen, you should be, getting all that someone’s got
You should be rocking the latest in purses, bracelets, and watches, your worth
Much more than an occasional "I love you"
I’m thinking of you

And I don’t wanna come between you and your man
Even though I know I treat you better than he can

Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can’t help but wait

Get it together - you can do better
Seeing’s believing
And I see what you need so
I’m gone play my position
Let you catch what you’ve been missing
I’m calling out, girl 'cause I can’t help but wait

Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can’t help but wait

Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can’t help but wait

Oh - can’t help but wait, babe
No-no-no-no-no-no
I can’t help but wait
Oh-oh-oh, can’t help but wait
No, no, no



[Lyrics from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/treysongz/canthelpbutwait.html] =)



What a song
Really represents what my heart is screaming about =)
Thanks , San, for introducing me this

It's just right about what I always want to say to HER =)

DaY BY dAy

Days passed by just like that

How I miss spending time with you online everyday [well, almost everday...]
Those days when i had a good talk with u
Those days when i could see u , even from the webcam only
Those days I felt like i was in heaven , talking to an angel
Those days when I felt like the world only belonged to just the 2 of us
Those days when distance didnt matter to us, coz i know we would always be near....

Those days when I really saw u as the one for me =)


[Well, not that i dont anymore =P]


Oh, those days that had passed, and had taken for granted....

I understand what's the freaking problem now


U need to focus when u do ur work

Yeah, i understand


So tats why u dont wanna be online

So thats why u dont wanna reply my message so much

So thats why u dont wanna talk to me

because I am such a distraction for u, right? =)



I feel like i have been propelling myself against a wall that just wont budge
I hit the wall till I ache and bleed, and yet there seemed to be no scratch on the wall

I waited for u every single freaking day
And yet I dont plan to stop
haha



Yeah, i aint giving up, girl
I wont back away
I'll continue striving forward, even if u dun give a fuck about me anymore

Coz if i still see hope and as long as u dont give me the word 'get the hell out of my life' straight from your own mouth,
i'd rather die, so i wont run




U said i enjoy the company of other people better than urs
yeah, i admit i laugh a lot with them
but u know what? coz i talk nonsense with many of them
Tats why i laugh, they laugh, we laugh
and most importantly, they are just FRIENDS

With u, it s a different case
I mean every word i say to u
though i admit, i still joke with u sometimes
but u see, i dont wanna be full-of-nonsense person whenever i am with u


And yet, u were implying that i enjoyed the company of other girls
I can only draw one conclusion from here,


You want me to make u laugh all the time, to be full of jokes and nonsense when i am with you...and last but not least, u only want me to remain as ur FRIEND. Nothing more, nothing less.
And you dont really want me to be so serious and mean everything i said , right? =)


Now why do i say that?

1). you want me to laugh with u and make u laugh all the time
why? cos u said i enjoyed with others. and i laugh a lot with people that u thought i always enjoy with. I wanna prove to u that i'd rather be with u than with anyone else in this world right now =)

2). You want me to be full of jokes and nonsense
Why? Cos when i am with u, i mean everything i said. and yet u say i enjoy with others when with them, i only joke around most of the time =)

3). U only want to be a FRIEND of mine, nth more and nth less
why? i laugh with my frens, and i joke with them, and i am always not so loud and playful when i am with u. This is how i treat someone special to me. I dont wanna be just a person who only knows how to crack jokes and be loud. I wanna show how much i care.
U dont want me to be this way right?
SO yeah, i know u nv want me to be more than ur fren afterall right? =)



Prove me wrong, if i am really wrong here.
=)
i'd be so glad if u could....




But most probably u would be TOO TIRED and TOO BUSY to even read my posts, let alone proving me something which i think wrongly about....
Am i right? =)






P.S. That shatters my heart into millions of highly-irreparable pieces =)

Sighing deeply in the depth of loneliness

I sighed

I sigh

I am sighing

Okay, I have been sighing

And I think I'll be sighing a lot





I REALLY wonder what is wrong with you


Seriously I am feeling u are getting further from me

it feels like u are starting to ignore me
ignoring me, a lot


I dont know what happened to u okay

U just suddenly said u are very bad
dunno who said this to u

U dont even tell me anymore

I am starting to feel this is what u want
U dont want to tell me
i even feel u just want me to GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR DAMN LIFE =)


Am i wrong?
Or am i correct?


Prove me wrong, coz tats what i see from u =)

Maybe i am thinking too much again

u are juz busy


and WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE IF U ARE BUSY AND DO NOT REPLY ME?




everytime i say something like that,
u always say: "hey, u are thinking like that again!"

BUT U KNOW WHAT
YOU, YOU make me think like tat!

Out of a sudden you dont reply
On other times u sound like u dont wanna talk to me
yeah yeah yeah i know,
u are SO busy



So, conclusion?
Should i stop sms u?
Coz i think i will juz disturb

If i dont say anything
u say i dont really care lah
i step away lah
etc lah
bla3x



WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

i wanna show i care
but u seem not to give a shit abt whatever i do already =)








OKAY OKAY
I AM THINKING TOO MUCH AGAIN
I AM TOO EMOTIONAL
I NEVER FEEL I HAVE ENOUGH
SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL, CRYBABY
ONLY KNOW HOW TO COMPLAIN AND COMPLAIN

tch


Like i am an important person for you

I know wad u wanna say for this: see? u think like this again

=)





Oh no no,
if u think i am giving up, you are so wrong ;))


i am bleeding, so so much and freely


but i wont die...not until u believe me that i only have feeling for u and not another girl
=)
it cuts and stabs me deep through my soul when u said u thought i dont care coz there are better girls out there

but nevermind

Let my bleeding flows, as freely as a river
if tat would make u see tat u're the one for me now =)

......

I'm wondering
What is it on your mind?
Sometimes u sound okay
On other times u sound so sick ==


I tried to care, sometimes u seemed like u didnt want me to
I have tried not to, but I just CANNOT

U know what
Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with u [or rather, whats wrong with me]
Why is it that u keep appearing on my mind 24/7, literally....==
Never once u leave there ==
No matter what I do,
No matter where I am,
No matter what time is it,
Or no matter who I am with...
Why...
Why....

I know I cannot push you away from my thoughts,
So i just let it be inside my head, thinking that maybe if i stop being bothered so much by it, it would fade off by itself

I WAS SO WRONG

haha, u really are in my mind...24/7

And from few days ago u told me u were troubled by ur bf's April Fool's jokes
And maybe u nv realised how much i am worried.
to be exact, how sick i am feeling for worrying so much
Maybe nobody knows
Even though when I said it with my own mouth "Nvm lah, I wont really get worried. Forget it lah"
I could get over it for a while, but then the worry came disturbing me again ==

I dont know if this makes sense
But tats how much I care for you....




And YET
You think i am giving up
you think i deserve someone else
you think u arent gd enough for me














DAMN YOU GIRLS
YOU PEOPLE
ALWAYS SAY LIKE THAT
ALWAYS SEE ME AS SOMEONE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU

WHAT DO U THINK I AM HUH? SOMEONE VERY EASILY TO GET HURT

YOU ALL ALWAYS SAY 'I DONT DESERVE GOOD PERSON LIKE YOU' OR 'I DONT WANNA HURT YOU' ETC

BUT IF YOU REALLY DONT LIKE ME,
JUST SAY IT STRAIGHT FROM UR GODDAMN MOUTHS

DAMN
I AM TIRED OF WHAT U ALL SAY
SHIT
I'VE BEEN HEARING THE SAME THING FROM THE SAME TYPE OF PEOPLE

WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






i am gonna slp
cya, bloggie

Hello again

Long time didnt post here bloggie.haha.
How have you been? =\

Anyway I am sure u are always fine. Not like me..hahaha...

SCMUN was alr over long ago..and guess what? I miss that and the frens i met there =)
To be honest it actually opened my eyes

Well, frankly, I met a few girls over there, those who i guess can be my frens, though now I alr lost contact with them =X
I realised that actually theres no need to feel heartbroken....
Sometimes the person u are willing to die for may not be the one....
How foolish I have been, for feeling so mentally broken down whenever somebody played with my feelings. hahaha....

Secondly, I can't be complacent....coz no matter how good u are, there are always ppl out there who can be MUCH better than you, right? ;)

Thirdly, go out there and join competitions! We may learn something from there , and even meet someone unexpected ;)

Haha, u might wonder, bloggie, what abt my feelings for her? =)

Nah, my feelings for her juz stays the same. Just that I wont get heartbroken or sad or upset whenever she doesnt seem to care abt me or doesnt feel the way i feel abt her...=)

I dont know if she was jealous abt me getting to know other girls or wad...
But please, I wanna let her know that she is the only girl I love in this world right now ==
The rest, just FRIENDS...really =)






Oh anyway
I dont know if it is juz me ==
I feel she is getting far frm me
Like, we arent close anymore
No matter how much concern I show,
She doesnt seem to respond like how she used to be
Now she is very reluctant, and from her sms I feel that she replies just because she feels obliged to...
Sometimes she even doesnt reply me at all
She kept saying that she doesnt receive any sms frm me
But , i was like...HOW COULD THAT BE? O_O
I mean, i nv have this kind of problem before, never have this to ANYONE ELSE
Just her
Damnnnn why do i feel she is lying? =='
ARGHHHHHHH

Honestly some parts in my heart juz tell me: "Dont believe that Kevin. Surely she is hiding something from ya! xD"
ARGGHHHHH
Which , to my horror, I feel that it sounds logical
Come on, it never happened before okay ==

FINE! NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
SHE DOESNT WANNA TALK, SO BE IT!
WHAT THE FREAK CAN I DO IF SHE DOESNT WANT?
SHUT UP, KEVIN!
WHATEVER SHE IS DOING,
HOW BUSY SHE IS

IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


= =


Anyway, again ==
Recently,
My first ex in singapore,
suddenly told me abt her feelings that is still intact for me, since we broke up, in 2006
I was still secondary 1 and damnnnnn noob tat time =P so i LITERALLY didnt do ANYTHING

And quite out of a sudden
She said she wanted my hugs and kisses [==']
And maybe we should go out....
Her mind even wondered quite 'far' ==
Wew....
Gila neh orang

And i didnt know what happened to me,
i juz responded like 'ok2 anything" or something like that

I felt really guilty afterwards
I thought abt it throughout the next day
Which made me very distracted during my lessons in school.

At evening, when she was online again
I told her with a calmer mind, and i knew what i really wanted
I told her we shldnt do this
i didnt wanna lead her a long and keep lying
but she still wanted me to lie instead ==
wat the....

I didnt wanna do all those things, bloggie
I dont wanna betray my own feelings
And lastly, I dont wanna be a player.
I'd rather she just forgets abt me, coz wad i feel abt her is not more than friends =)
And I cant love two persons at the same time. Tats just impossible =)

And she alr has a boyfriend okay - -

Anw i find that very weird...
coz it is juz too sudden...==


Well....at least my mind is not stressed up again
i feel calmer now...

Nevertheless, by doing this
I alr evaded her, if she was lying to me abt that xD
2ndly, I dont break her heart so badly, at least...I'd do worse if i lead her along xD




P.S. : When I was very down and broken yesterday because of this thing, where were u? =) Were u there for me at all?
Nvm, I expected too much of u...why shld u care for me at all actually? =)

Not to forget, Jessica. Makasi bgt for ur help in giving me advices on how shld i deal with that ex of mine =X This is the first time I encountered such a situation and thx for opening my eyes okay =)