Crippled. Disabled.

I'm weak.
I've always been the weaker party, emotionally.



Always the dependent one.
Always the one ending up undergoing self-destruction.



For this time,
Just this time,
I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to be the one who's able to keep us together.
I'm trying not to be the one falling apart all the time, every time.
I don't wanna make myself look this miserable, like a burden to you.


But at this rate,
At this point where my schoolwork is like shit,
I'm also breaking apart mentally.
I'm telling you, bloggie. I've never been so hopeless, clueless, helpless academically before.



Now I'm just sailing blindly in a stormy seas.
The ocean has swallowed away my compass, my map.
The dark, luminous clouds are blocking away the sunlight and the moonlight.
The hard pouring rain obstructing my vision.
I'm only letting my life drifting away.
My oar is broken too.
What's the use of oar anyway?
It's not like it can be used to move myself against this massive current.
And even if I can move,
Where can I go to?
Everywhere I see is pitch black.
Not a single glimpse of light around me.

Now I'm tempted to just jump out of this cage to submerge myself under the sea.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
In this transparent box.
Floating away.
Aimlessly.
Lifelessly.



And all I can do is pray, and scream for myself to hear.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Random sparks in my head.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, or even dreaming peacefully by now.


But look at what I am doing now.

Pondering about stuff again.





Hey bloggie (been a while since I last greeted you)


They say if you have to love someone, you have to accept her with all your heart.

Accept who she is,
Embrace who she was,
And grab hold of who she will be.



I'm feeling a bit hesitant now.
Maybe it's not her.
Yes it never is.

It's me.



Maybe I'm just feeling neglected.
Maybe I'm just desperate for attention.
Maybe I'm just afraid.
Maybe I'm just incompetent.



After holding up for so long, I could never expect that I'm opening up again.
Even opening up without fear.
Faster than ever.



But the fact that I still don't know what she was like, at all,
Echoed a voice from inside of me.

"hey, are you not giving in too much again? Falling too deeply too early again?"


I know I may be.
And I have no intention to stop.



I'm just... Wondering.
Whether what it says is true.



What people say it's right.
As a guy I can't give in too much.
At least not more than the girl.
I can't make myself look desperate,
Or she will be repelled by my excessive insecurities.

I should not be the one to give more attention.
I should not trust too early.
The one who gives more in a relationship will be the one with more heartaches.



But.
I chose to ignore all that.
I'm just a weird guy.
I'm ALWAYS like the girl.
Never the guy.



What's with me and insecurities anyway?
It's like I can't get them off me.
They stick like a parasite, feeding off its host. Me.



Right now,
I'm just afraid.
What if I can't meet that standard?
What if I screw up again?
What if I can't accept her?
What if I will end up desperate again?

What if we don't work out?
What if I lose this important person, for the rest of my life?

She's my first. That's for sure.

And I know I may not be hers.

Right now that's what's been killing me the most.

Don't ask me why.

I don't even know myself.

I don't even know what I'm doing,

Or what I'm feeling sometimes.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]