Hmm :)

Hmm you know,



At this rare free time of mine during my JC period,
I decided to blog something and before that, I schemed through my old blog posts.


Early this year,
I was in such low mentality,
Heartbroken, crushed inside, bloodbath everywhere.
It felt like the end of the world.



But who knew,
After that, and another similar experience,
I finally got to make myself frozen.
I mean, look at me now,
I don't feel any emotion towards the things that I always wish for in life;
To find myself the love of my life.


Who the fuck needs that?
Of course, once in a while, I will look around in the streets and see couples around, and wish I could be like them.
But meh, I always manage to brush it off.
My feelings is now null.
Even when a lot of my close friends now have girlfriends,
Nope, I'm not in the least bothered.
Heck, I don't need any of it.


I'm a lone wolf.
I'm a cyborg xD





Okayyyyy

I just finished looking through some photos from the past,
And of course, some precious text messages that I kept track from her.
Oh well,
It brings back the good old days.
Made me smile again.


But of course,
Even I know better that it was just like a dream.
Beautiful things that you experienced are mostly unreal.
'Cause sooner or later, you still have to wake up.
And that's when you find that reality isn't ever gonna be as good as you wish.


Well, I'm somehow numb to the pain now.
The emotion can't kill me.



I'm indifferent, unaffected. :)

I need someone to complain.


Fuck seriously.

What kind of CCA tortures their members with trainings so hardcore?
SO FUCKING HARDCORE.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS IS STILL A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT.


You see,
We train 3 days a week
And TWICE A DAY.
FUCKING TWICE.

A few kilometres run in the early morning.
And a hardcore training in the evening.
Super fucked up.
Who the hell can train properly under these conditions, much less building your fitness.
And the rest in between training is just ONE GODDAMN DAY!!!!


FUCKING MISTAKE
IT'S A FUCKING MISTAKE TO JOIN BASKETBALL IN NJ.
Okay, maybe a sports CCA.
BUT NO TEAM WILL TRAIN TWICE A DAY IN THIS PLACE.
I'M FUCKING SURE.

HOW THE FUCKING FUCK AM I GONNA SURVIVE NEXT YEAR ACADEMICALLY IF TRAININGS ARE LIKE THIS?
SERIOUSLY, FUCK.
I REACH HOME AFTER TRAINING NOW, AND IN NO FUCKING WAY I WILL BE ABLE TO WANNA TOUCH NOTES.
AND NEXT YEAR IS MY FINAL YEAR.FUCK.
FUCK!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!


Should I fucking quit?
Or wait?

Almost there.

Time flies so fast I didn't realise it's about a year before I enter university.



With my dream on the way I hope, a faculty of medicine.



It's just a little bit more.


One more year of hardcoreness and that's it.


My dream; achieved, or not.



I don't care.



I've got to graduate well from NJ,

With 4 A in A Levels at least,
With good testimonials, by NJ Basketball and NJPA achievements [oh fuck, the bulk of the business]
And of course with good reputation.




I have to become a doctor.
First doctor ever, in my family and its branches, as far as I know.

The vicious cycle

I guess what people have been saying about the vicious cycle is true.


You first met as a stranger,
Slowly you became acquaintances,
And then you turned into friends, good friends of course,
Before you realised, she became someone you spend most of your day with.
And of course, someone you thought of the most,
Suddenly, you realised you can't get her out of your mind, no matter how hard you try,
And as you two got even closer, you noticed that she naturally had become a part - a significant one - of your life,
But out of the blue, something just snapped,
Something happened and that, made you drift apart,
And as you got very down, and heartbroken,
You got mad, and was determined to get over all the bad things, and even forget all the beautiful ones,
And obviously, you two started moving away from each other,
Talked lesser and lesser,
The relationship got strained to the maximum,
And of course, the level dropped to Friend level, to Acquaintance level,
And ultimately, to Stranger again.

Now you pretend as if you two have never known each other,
That she is just someone from the same school,
Someone you never met before, and think you never will,
Pretend that she is someone you don't even know exist,
And pretend that between you two, something had never even happened,
But you know, although she might have already forgotten what the fuck had ever occurred,
You know no matter how much you pretend to be okay, it somehow still gives you a sting inside just to look at her,
Even though she doesn't even know, and probably never will,
Even though she doesn't care, and you know she won't.



How peculiar.
Why does it hurt just to get a glance at a mere stranger?

A lone wolf.

You know,

Although I'm all bubbly around people during the day,

Although I do enjoy the company of my good friends,

Although I look like a very sociable person,


At the end of the day, before bed, I have this feeling,
That I want to be a lone wolf.

Seriously, no one can really understand me.
Maybe except for God.

But on this Earth, I like being on my own now.
I'll survive alone.
There are too many disappointments.


To my parents, I'm just a son studying overseas,
Who would some day make them proud and get a life on my own,
Who would be a helpful, caring, protective older brother who would protect and take care their delicate youngest son who is on scholarship here in Singapore.
What they didn't know is that he enjoyed the company of his friends and independence now.
I think even more that I did when I first came here.
You know what's funny, is that even sometimes they don't trust my words.
Fine! Fuck it! Keep distrusting me!


To my younger brother,
I'm a hot-tempered, unhelpful older brother whom he can't talk directly to unless through my mom.
Okay, I admit I was.
But I'm positive that I've showed him enough that I've changed already.
Fuck, whatever.


To my brothers-from-another-mothers,
I'm just some very emotional guy, who can be asked to play DoTA or basketball if I'm free, and needs to understand them and most probably, am never right when giving advices or opinions.
Fuck. I don't even open up to them anymore. They don't even know what I'm keeping inside.
Oh well, not that I open up to anyone now.


To my classmates,
They are really nice people. It's kinda fun to be around them.
So I guess in their eyes I'm the always-enthusiastic guy who may sometimes go a little bit noisy and loud, and yes, annoying.
Haven't opened up much to them.


To my CCA mates,
...Err...I'm just someone in their CCA.... I guess....
Not like I bother anyway. It's not like their group who have been damn close to each other bothers about me either.




I wonder how do I look like in God's eyes.
I've been told that I'm a beautiful son of His.
But even that I'm not sure, though I will believe I am.
I guess in the end it's only Him.


Well, surviving alone on Earth doesn't really matter.
I've been doing so, well, mentally.
And I've been quite well.



Being cyborg? I'm gonna take it a step further.
I define myself being a cyborg by controlling my own emotions and decide which to show and which not to.
But now, I guess I shall install a brand new processor, incorporating my current processor into the new one too.
The new processor will not just control the output, it can create a 'fake' output and hide the undesired emotional outputs should they go berserk and get wild.

So this will act as my second option.
If I can't find the correct emotional to let out,
A barrier to hide it all shall come to life and ta-da!
You can't see me but I can may see you!





Being alone SOLITARY has never felt so good.
I love being a lone wolf.