...

Sometimes I wonder what I really want...




For once again, my heart overcomes the power of my logical thinking.



It does what it wants, not tired at all...



Despite all the warnings it has been receiving from my mind.





Nevermind...




I'm just plunging into a deeper abyss of my mental destruction.

Another handphone note, amidst my sleepless night.

I thought I finally got over you

Since I finally had a crush on someone new.

Well I was totally, totally wrong.


How could I compare this feeling towards you with a simple crush? How could I? :)





Last Wednesday, after the class outing,
Sean asked me to join Nurul and him for an evening movie.
We met at this 'fish' restaurant.
I didn't know what to order, but then Sean followed Nurul to buy the tickets, asking me to order for him.
I was looking through the menu for a while, and texted him for what drink he wanted.
After a while without reply, I decided just to order without him.
Calling the waiter, I waited again. When the waiter came, they came back.
Nurul said sorry, but I didn't care.
And I found out that the movie started in less than 15 mins time. Sean blamed me for not ordering just now.
I said he didn't reply my text.

What he said: oh sorry, just now didn't check my phone.

It's fucking funny how he could reply Nurul in terms of seconds and not even knowing me texting him.
And did they two realise I feel like a freaking extra during the whole time with them?

And I know my crush with Nurul wasn't meant to be.

They got a chance to be together, but again, it won't be me :)




But if I thought that was the biggest problem, no that wasn't..


Guess where did we catch the movie?

Junction8. Bishan..

...
....


All my crush about Nurul, all my feeling about being a bloody extra among them, seemed insignificant.


My memory force-fed my emotion with my excruciating flashback.


It was that day.

Meeting her..
The skygarden..
The excruciating glimpse..
The lost of my mood..
The absolute zero state of my mentality..
The last time I saw her..
But just the start of another painful journey ahead..


I couldn't really feel the emotion of the movie.
I couldn't really enjoy talking to them.
The extra feeling was gone within seconds.
Even as Nurul and Sean were talking happily, all I could think about was Her.


Moreover...
I went home with the same bus as that day.. 56...
I literally writhed in pain from the moment the bus came until it passed by her bustop....



I couldn't remember when was the last time we were in contact.
But my whole day was still revolving around her...




Who cares about Nurul and Sean.
You're still my only one.
Even though this is only one-sided statement,
Even though I know you won't feel the same way about me,
I can't help it. I just can't lie.




I haven't got over you.

Which does matter?

When I met the basketball team for a soccer match against the alumni this morning,
I still couldn't help feeling disappointed for not being able to make it into the team.



On the way home, I kept thinking 'bout it.


Should I prove to myself that I'm worth being the team?

Should I show to the rest of the team that it's a regret not putting me into the team?

Should I put more effort into this passionate sport of mine?

Should I go back to how I had practiced basketball in Secondary?



But if I do so,

It means playing basketball for at least 2 hours after school every day, since this is what I did before.
It means putting 100% effort in it, and at some point neglect my studies.
Since I need to catch up with both studies and basketball skills if I wanna keep up, it's hard to juggle both == And I have to sacrifice one of them...



Fuck up.



It's okay.
A Level is all that matters in the end.
I'm never destined to be a sportsman anyway.
Just do what I can in basketball.
No need to care.
Study comes first.






But seeing all my good friends with all their talents being showcased.
Be it either dance, basketball or drama.
It makes me feel like such a crap.
A crap without even a worth of dime. Talentless.



I realised too late that I was never into basketball at the beginning anyway.
I wasn't born a sportsman.
I wasn't born an athlete.
I made into the FTPSS team was also because I had connection inside the team.
Which is the captain was Liaowei's friend.
In fact there were people who were more qualified than me.
But I was in the team.

This made me feel complacent.
Thinking that I was a qualified player, I thought I could get into the team in JC.
When actually I was like such a shit compared to them.

True, I'll most probably enter the team next year.
But everyone can train within one year to be qualified.
What makes you stand out is if you can make it since J1.

Have I chosen a wrong CCA?
Should I have taken something different instead?
Have I missed out a CCA which actually can showcase my ability?





Why was I so confident in basketball anyway?



I'm born a studious type.
A mugger.
A nerd who only knows how to study and play computer.
Even then, I'm such a shit in terms of nerdiness.
Those who have got more life outside can play computer better.
Those who have got more life outside can produce better results than me.





Why am I even born talent-less? It's better not to be brought to this world if this is such the case.














AND YOU GUYS.
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SURNAME.
CALLING IT ONCE IN A WHILE STILL LOOKS ACCEPTABLE.
BUT DOING IT SO OFTEN MAKES ME WANNA SAY FUCK YOU IN THE FACE.
ASSHOLES, DO YOU THINK IT'S NICE CALLING PEOPLE BY THE SURNAME??????
AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, MAKING IT SOUND SO FUNNY??
U THINK IT'S FUNNY????
U THINK MY NAME IS SO NICE TO BE CALLED AROUND ALL THE TIME?





If you say so, let me tell you this.
F-U-C-K YOU!

Didn't get into school basketball team, become a class committee, got 1 mark out of 10 for Physics test, can't cope with subjects, filled with procrastination to the max,



And still thinking abt her.

My heart took control of every part of me to talk to her again. It just refuses to let go. How precious is it for my heart? How much?



I know this is yet to be the worst.