While halfway pondering about the existence of my different self, I suddenly came to a realization that this archive of pain, struggles, and locked memories seem pretty much like a museum to me.
Now that my first semester in university has officially ended, my other, darker self just can't wait to re-surface. In fact, it's been bugging me for the last few days, and my usual jovial self managed to slow it down.
Heh, it's like the Black and White. The existence of both is inevitable and there is a constant fight of these two ideas, yet both are dependent of each other.
I remember someone once said to me, that sometimes you just can't really get over stuff. And no matter what you do, in the end all you accomplish is locking up everything inside, not getting rid of them.
Maybe I now finally understand what that person meant.
I've not been moving on; I've just been caging all the stuff inside.
I thought it wouldn't break free. Well, now I found out that it just did.
At times like this I just wanna lock myself up from the rest of the world.
Blasting up my music,
Singing to myself,
Writing in this very space,
Playing some computer games,
Or maybe even venting out my anger by wrecking something.
Which I am now able to, thanks to the fact that people in the hostel are going back home, and that I no longer have anything to worry about academically. At least not for this short period of time.
Everybody else seems so happy that exams are over and holiday is here.
I know I have to be grateful. I honestly am.
I just can't be happy, knowing that I made another wrong move for my revision.
I just can't calm down, finding out that again I fall short on my own expectations.
I just can't stop wanting to punch something, realizing that these storms of dark, negative emotions are bursting out once again.
I just can't accept that after all this time, Time has yet to re-cure my wound. It just tore the stitch apart once again.
And the worst part, is knowing that somewhere inside of me, I want someone to listen and to depend on.
Fuck this shit. I'm out.
