Hi there, old friend.

The reason I haven't been visiting much lately, is because I haven't felt catasthropically emotional, for a long time.
Which is exactly my point here.


Once again, I felt that my life is quite the joke.


When I was younger, I was always looking for The One, always on the opportunity to fall in love hopelessly and shatter my heart again and again.
No matter how many times I destroyed my heart into pieces, I always managed to glue them back together to an almost perfect state, if not perfect. Always ready to fall in love again after I recovered.

But then I was taught, that love isn't the most important thing in life.
That even if you find who you're gonna give your heart to for the rest of your life, you need other things to keep your relationship sustained.
Let's face it, when you're young, everything about love is very fairy-tale-ish.
But as you grow up, you start to face every other responsibilities that life will give your way, realistically speaking.
You've gotta complete your education, find a job, become financially responsible, and then you can start building your own family. But until then, no. There's practically no use to find love.

And then there's another thing.
You watch documentaries, videos, or listening to speeches about how love is not just about finding a romantic partner.
But love can be classified into more branches.
Love for one's self, love for your family, for your friends, for animals, for Mother Nature, for God, for human being, for what you do, for life. Everything. You just name it.
So then you start to wonder if finding The One is always the most important thing in your life.


Both of which are what I faced.


For now, I've yet to find myself falling head-over-heels over someone in the longest period over my entire life.
I just feel like I am both not ready and  no longer deserve to fall for someone like that and give my everything for someone.

I don't really know why I feel this way to be honest.
It might be just the scars from all my past heartbreaks that just won't heal any further.
It might be the realities of life finally starting to sink into me.
It might just be that deep down inside, I'm now more afraid than ever to risk falling in love and getting hurt all over again, after so many times.
It might be the fact that I just finally love my own self more, when in the past I was always mean to myself and gave everything for others, who often were not worth my time, much less my heart.

I no longer feel that I need love, or need to look for love.
That, is one thing I do know.