Just like tattoos, they serve me an important purpose,
To remind myself what would happen whenever I take my steps.
And this, is the story of how I get my newest.
It was April 8th 2011, about 10:40am
I was waiting for the release of my PW result.
I was feeling pretty excited. Even more excited than nervous.
Realising everyone in my group looked nervous, I decided to calm them down and give them some confidence.
I gave them each a High-5s.
And when the result was released, nobody moved first.
So I went to retrieve my mark.
It was totally something I did not expect.
I got a B instead of an A.
I was a bit taken aback, but went on to think of what would have gone wrong.
Then I shrugged that thought, jumping to an early conclusion that it could have been my OP.
I screwed up my "R" pronunciation after all.
But that was not the end, yet.
I asked the rest one by one,
And yes, all the guys got A.
Except me.
I was feeling astounded.
What the hell?!
I'm the only one?!
Again, that was not the end.
I realised, for another time, that EVERYONE in my group got a B.
Except for one person.
Yes, and that included me.
And to finish it all, there are only 7 people in the class who got a B.
And my group has got more than half of it.
Instantly, Hui Ying sat and broke down.
Jia Yi was speechless.
Li Shi seemed to have resigned to fate already.
Marc was happy. Of course, he got an A.
Meanwhile, I was in a bath of mixed feeling.
Devastation, Astonishment, Disappointment, Stunned, Anxiety, Pessimism, Sorrow.
They were all brewing inside me.
I just sat down, mouth shut tight, face expressionless.
I felt so tight inside, I had a feeling I would explode soon.
So I headed outside, to the toilet.
But nothing happened.
I couldn't even let it out.
I was still too shaken to express it out.
Then I came back.
I put on an indifferent face.
And then the cohort was dismissed back to resume lessons.
I stormed off first,
And after some time, only did I realise my PM was tailing me.
She then called me and brought me to some remote study corner and somehow "forced" me to talk it out.
I first put on a smile, a fake smile.
Still trying to joke around.
And then I swear I saw tears welled up in her eyes,
I guess she saw through me. Through my fortress, my hard shell.
She figured out what I actually was going through deep inside.
And then, that was when I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer anymore.
I burst out in tears. Finally.
It was brief. Maybe only a few minutes.
But it felt kinda relieving.
Stuff I couldn't express in words, my tears took it from me.
But again, that was not yet over.
Even as I underwent some exercise during PE,
Even as I forced myself with some work-out in the college gym,
Even as I pushed myself for some jogging,
The fact that I was wondering how could the whole group entirely got wiped out in Bs, still lingered at the back of my mind, refusing to stop sticking around.
And actually, even after I reached my comfort zone at home,
I couldn't get over the pain.
Worse still, people around me are all getting As.
Okay, maybe except a few fellas who were in the same state as I was.
The concern that they were showing were all just fake, and short-lived.
Concerns are just concerns.
Who are you to say that you understand what I'm feeling?
And that's just that.
Even until now,
The pain has not healed up.
Okay, maybe the gaping hole's closing up,
But the feeling? No.
The scars have been engraved.
Let this be another mark for me.
To remember that this is not what I should settle for.
To remember that I have got to take the remaining ones more seriously.
To remember that I have to, at all cost, avoid this feeling and moment ever again.
Am I in fear of another one? Yes. Definitely.
Would I let myself meet another moment like this? No.
Absolutely not.
This scar will not disappear.
And I'll ultimately stop being in fear.
