Hey there bloggie.



I've been quite an emotional wreck these couple of days.
And during Christmas time too. What a time huh.
When I was supposed to be happy and all too.


So it goes like this.


Remember how I told you that I've finally fallen for someone again, after so long?
Yeah and I did tell you that I was gonna take it easy too didn't I?

I thought I did, honestly.
Until recently.


Basically, I felt that after all the interactions that happened between us for 4 months, give or take,
I thought that we became closer.
And the feelings were starting to get mutual.
So I thought it was finally time to let her know about my feelings, directly.

But that was the problem.
You see, I THOUGHT the feelings were getting mutual.
I was looking at the situations through my own lens of feelings.
Not through the lens of objectivity.
And so when I felt that she's starting to talk like she no longer values me as much,
At first I believed that something was wrong, or at least there was something wrong that I did.

And then I looked back and I realised.
Wait a minute, no.
If I recalled the way she talked to me when we first got to know each other,
It is exactly the same as how she did now.
So in the process, there probably isn't anything hinting to me that there is something more than meets the eye.
No.
It was all in my head.
And forming my own expectations and having them unmet is what probably killed me.

This time I really caused the emotional wreck on my own.

She never asked me to continue talking to her.

She never asked me to be concerned.

She never asked me to be supportive to her. She probably didn't need mine, at the very least.

She never asked my help to stay up until the morning to help her with her work. I wanted that myself.

She never asked me to fall for her.

So what right do I have to want her to reciprocate my feelings?

Exactly.

What she thought of me has probably never changed.

I thought it did. So that's where I am wrong,


Haha you know I felt really stupid.
I told myself in the beginning that I should just take my time and not rush.
Indeed I never did.
But thinking about it now,
In order to save myself from hurting this bad again,
What I should have said to myself is:


"You should've used your head a little more than your heart."

Revelation.

Wow.


Did you just say that all that happened was simply because you felt lonely?


Did you just say that whatever happened was all my mind playing tricks on me?


All those times we spent,
All the things we talked about,
All the feelings we poured out for each other,



You're telling that it was all.. because you simply felt lonely?

None of it was real?



I can't fucking believe it.


I don't want to believe it.


It felt so real.



What the fuck?
I just.
I can't.
I can't even.




Wow.


It was a good closure.
It had a good ending, even if it ain't the best, fairy-tale kind.



Now I'm just disappointed.
And angry.




The more important question though,
If I have truly gotten over it, why do I still get so pissed off?
Is it because that after I thought I had the closure, I kinda framed everything like a nice piece of memory,
And now that I know it wasn't what I thought it was, it kinda destroyed all the meaning behind it?
Or am I just in rage because for this moment I felt that my life had been nothing but a lie?