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I think I got it now..


Whenever I feel sad or alone watching my family leave me or vice versa,
I can just tell this to myself:

"They're the reason for my smile. I must not disappoint them. I can't repay them anything but someday in the future, I will. And to prepare for that day, I'll study hard. Real hard."



And so, yeah , I will..



Now, time to fulfill my duty as a son, and protector of the family.

I have woken up, finally.

Enough. Thats it.

I should really wake up from this dream.

I said I need to let go, and went back on my words.





This time is for real. I promise, bloggie xD



According to the Mirror-breaking Imagination Test,
I should be able to get over this kind of stuff in a matter of days.
well, it doesnt sound like that to me. =D




Either way, hard or easy. I've got no choice.
Getting over it is a must. Going back was not an option.



My focus will just be on studies and basketball now.
No love.
Love dont bring happiness, it only creates chaos inside me =)

..

Wait,
or is it a retribution for me?





A retribution I get, u know, like An Eye For An Eye kind of stufff



Because I left without a word the night before, and dozed off to sleep...











Either way, so this is why. =)

One moment of happiness = one moment of bad happenings [?]

If this is the case I'll never wanna be happy because of love anymore.

Just when I thought something good happens,
when finally something has changed,

In the end I realised it was always a hidden blade.
like u know, bloggie, Altair's hidden blade [if u play Assassin's Creed]
It goes near u, then suddenly stabs u out of nowhere.


Maybe this is how I should describe it.
I wondered why I got no response from the other side....
Then I decided not to think abt it. Maybe it wasnt my business afterall....

And then suddenly, a thing comes up....
A strange mail I have always wished to get, yet I know it could never come to me...
Why did it arrive?
I was alr quite happy. I dunno why. To other ppl [even to the normal ME], this is just nothing but very normal stuff to get. I dunno why I am so happy.
I thought jokingly "is a storm coming? How can I get this? haha. today must be my lucky day."


Actually,
I havent been getting any response today,
because apparently the princess was with the prince....

Well, actually why does an outsider like me need to know, need to feel anything?
Afterall, my feelings for the princess are forbidden, totally unacceptable.
Why do I have to feel anyway? I very well knew the princess has been with the prince, and will always be.


And then a 'storm' was raging through inside me.
I felt like, as I mentioned earlier, Altair just appeared out of nowhere and stabbed me right through my vital point, and left like nothing has happened at all.
Some master assassin u are...Did u learn from Altair? What has he taught u?
My feelings are mixed...

And then I realised, it was all like this AGAIN....
After something good [good to me, may be VERY ORDINARY to others],
something bad [in this case, the 'storm' in me] happened...


Haiz...
Why do I have to feel?
And why don't I just bring myself to stop...
Nevermind...I wont feel happy for love again.....
If it's good, I'll treat it like a mere something-good-has-happened stuff...
So I can also say something-bad-has-happened when the so-called "Altair's disciple" assassinates me again... xD

Just a quote

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long"







Know what I mean?













AAAAAAAAA

RRRRRRRRR

GGGGGGGG

HHHHHHHH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easier said than done

That IS always the case, bloggie.



I said I NEED to give up. I said I MUST do it.




It wasnt easy , dude.




She is still a part of me afterall.
Letting a part of myself go is gonna be difficult.



And yet you told me whatever I wrote is not true.


Have u ever thought abt it?
Have u ever put urself in my shoe , and see for urself what I am feeling?
Have u ever thought abt how ur actions could influence my actions and feelings?


I am not blaming u, sweetheart =)

I am begging for an explanation.



So many things, so little time.





Haiz.




I am already struggling with my own willpower.
It's so weak.
Always cant get through temptation.

First I said I wont 'do it' again, I must exercise like sit ups and push ups to burn away my energy,
In the end I am still 'doing it'.
Sry, bloggie. It's too embarrassing to say it here.

First I say I wont sleep less, I will sleep early.
In the end internet and games lured me away.



Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



WILLPOWER, PLEASE.




Ok, bloggie, gotta slp now. Getting late. xD

Uh-huh

Maybe this is it...

This is the end of another of my train journey in the Love line.



It was like waking up from a dream.


Everything I experienced and felt,
it was like anything but a dream.

I woke up.



Saw that all inside my mind and heart were never destined to become reality.
Everything that I wished for,
Everything that I thought was possible to happen,
vanished like a speck of dust blown away by the nightwind.
Scattered, broken down.




All of myself that have been given to u
All of my heart that have been presented
All of my feelings that have been poured upon,
Were all but nothing that matters in the end.


I feel really exhausted already.
I am sorry.
I feel that this feeling of mine is going nowhere, and thus, getting pointless.



You cant let go of ur current situation either =)
Your physical and mental condition are always troubled as well.
Lets not make things difficult for u, shall we?
I'll just give up , and stop.
So you'll feel more relaxed.
You can feel that there will be no more 'wild dog barking and biting off ur tail from the back'.



And I cannot walk on a path that leads me to nowhere.
I cannot keep 'feeding something that is non-living'.
I cannot keep 'wishing for a snow to fall on a tropical island'.
I cannot let myself be enslaved by these chain of my feelings.



I think I am tired.
Tired of getting distracted from other stuff.
Tired of getting enslaved.
Tired of getting hurt.
Tired of assuring you for thousandth of times how important you are in my life, and yet you still think and say as if you are such an annoyance and disturbance to me.
Tired of feeling as if I never get any response from u [ or i am too blind to see it]




I need somebody
Somebody who stays by me, not one who comes only when she needs me.
Somebody who can return my feeling, not just one-sided.
Somebody who feels the same way as I do.

But you.
I need somebody faithful, I am tired of being played again and again ==
You are so faithful to him that if I let you go, I am afraid I cant find another faithful one.

I need somebody who always cares.
The way your care for him. it never fails to amaze me.
I feel I cannot see anyone who could care as much as you do.

I need someone who can maintain the feeling the way I do.
The way you can maintain your feeling for him, despite everything that you have gone through, it always awes me.
You left me thinking whether another girl like you exists. I always wonder whether I am faithful or can keep my feeling for long after all.




But
But


But, that was all for HIM

Not Me.

=)


If thats the way it has been, it should always be the way.

I thought I could get you coming to me. I was wrong.


I was merely a pebble stone in your love life. A milestone you have to overcome in order for you and him to stay closer. A test for your own feeling.










More of the reasons why I should give this up. =)




I really need to consider if I can get someone I have always dreamt of afterall.













Please, I wanna cry. But my eyes are already too red and dry =)
I am broken down, totally.



But no, I'll try to keep smiling.




I hope I can get through this.