I see you.

Again. Finally.


I've never felt this happy for such a long time.
All I know is,
No matter what I say, or what I suggested just now,
Despite me wanting us to let go of everything just so you wouldn't be in pain anymore,
I can't let you go.
I don't know about the next time.

But right now,
I won't be able to let you go.


All I know is,
The fruit that we will bear at the end of our two months,
Will be worth it.
All the pain and the torture of waiting and not being able to see each other,
Will be gone once we meet.


No matter how long we wait,
The meeting will heal and close up all wounds,
No matter how short the meeting is.



I love you,
I really do.

I miss you already.
And I'm gonna miss you so much more.

Lost.

I'm feeling as blurred as this page's background colour.




I don't know what I should do now.




If only,
If only,
You can see my point of view.
You can understand what I'm feeling.



But no.
If I show it,
It would just turn into a new argument you'd never wanna lose.
So I'll just stick to giving in for now.
Giving you what you want.
Yes, I never even matter.
I am not important.
I have to serve.
I have to be attentive, doesn't matter whether I get the same thing back.


A duty is a duty.
I don't have to be understood to fulfill all of it.

Oh wait.
I'm so damn easily understood to begin with.
I cannot hide anything anyway. Haha.

I never knew.

It's not even a week yet,
And I'm already feeling the strain.

This is the first time that I dread being in my own home, in my hometown.
I enjoy my freedom back in Singapore.
I can do anything, go anywhere, on my own.
I don't have to burden anybody,
Or even seek their help.


Also,
My parents, my father especially, can't understand me and my needs sometimes.
He always can point out my flaws.
It's a good thing, well at the first look.

But after a while,
It becomes a burden for me.
In his eyes,
Using my phone simply means I'm rude.
No matter where, or when.
It's like in front of him, I CANNOT touch my phone.
Seriously, that's how he makes me feel.
I've been trying not to use my phone too much.
I mean, I try, I really do!

It's just, I wanna talk to the person I wanna talk the most.
The person that I've been missing the whole damn time in here.
The person that is no longer here by my side.
And they just wouldn't understand.

Bloggie, what do you think they will say if I tell them I love her?
They'll say I'm stupid.
I'm immature.
That it's not right to have so much feelings poured out for someone whom you have only known for a few months.
That I'll regret it in the end if I sacrifice too much for her.

But I don't care!
I wanna learn it my way!
I WANT this feeling.
If I will regret it later, let me be!
At least, let me learn it on my own!
I'm fucking reaching 20.
Such a young age, I know.
But it's an age where I at least get to decide what to do with my own feelings!
And I don't even neglect anyone in the house.

My father's the only one feeling neglected, I guess.
He's always the one unhappy whenever I touch my phone.
Apparently, unlike my mom and brother, I hope, he reads too shallow into me.
He thinks I think only for myself, because I focus too much on my phone.
And I don't wanna be with the family.
Insane. He thinks that just by using my phone in front of him, I don't care about him.
I hate this!

You see, even now, as I sit at the dining table alone writing this note,
I can't seem to be at peace.
I have to be alert using my ears, if somehow he comes downstairs and finds me with my phone here.
He would just scold me, saying that I am an ignorant, ungrateful, spoilt kid who can spends too much time with my phone.
When all I want, is some peace of mind, writing this very note, on my own.
I used to have this every day.
Can't believe that I'm never gonna feel that peace ever again when my family is around.


I wanna feel that peace again.
Every day with my family, there surely is gonna be some trouble.
With my father, it's always some scolding.
Either because I talk too fast, too excitedly, so he thinks I can't be calm.
Or because I am careless.
I spill stuff, I knock into things.
Even small stuff.
He will say that I CANNOT, and NEVER control myself.
To the point that he doesn't trust me to even help him carry his stuff.
Yeah.
My bro is THE BEST, right dad?

My brother.
Is a suck-up to my dad.
He always manages to use the phone in front of him, but he never gets warned.
Funny right?
Even today, as I got scolded and ignored by my father for using my phone,
He sticked to him, he ignored me.
He followed what my father did: pretended I never existed.
Thanks bro.
To think that you'd stick by me.

But my mom is still the best. Seriously.
She often ends up like I do.
Becomes the victim for my father and brother's annoyance and anger for no apparent reason.
And you know what bloggie?
When both of them ignored me today, she was still the only one who sticked and talked to me.
She may be naggy, she is not perfect.
But she is the first woman that I love in my life.
The best mother I have ever known.

You didn't know how I felt bloggie.
I was forbidden to communicate with the one I miss so, so much.
And they even ignored my existence too.
Thanks to my mom I actually felt a lot better.


I'm bottling up everything.
In this family, I am not allowed to express what I truly feel.
I am not allowed to be myself.
I cannot be expressive and happy.
My father sees it as a sign of weakness.

In this house,
I have to be a people-pleaser.
A bootlicker.
I have to please my father.
And I have to stand my brother.
My mother and I to be exact.



I really like studying overseas now.
No.
I love it.

The last.

A different version of what I wrote in my other blog just a moment ago.




Yes, this place holds a truckload of different memories to me.
But the one that will weigh more,
Is the one I captured from this year.
On the second half of this year of this year, to be exact.





Yes.



They're all the ones about you.



Whether the ones that we spent on the playground,
Walking along the parking area,
Dating in the carpark,
Cuddling on the maid's bed at your place,
Staying overnight at your place,
Watching movies at my place,
Sitting on the garden at your place,
Taking silly pictures of ourselves at the lobby,
Or even going to the gym and swimming together.
Oh yes, studying together in the study room too.
In fact, that was probably the first time you imprinted something on me.




All these, I'll always remember.
You, I can't forget.

Sometimes,

You don't wanna say out what you want,

Because you know the other party doesn't want it,


And because you don't wanna look pathetic and desperate.

I am.. Really sorry..

I'm sorry, for not mentioning this to you earlier..


For the past an hour or two, actually I've been reading your blog's archives.
For my own pleasure, well, initially...


Then...
Somehow, I understood the sentence that sentence that you told me on our first date.
"Reading your private blog made me feel your pain."


And now,
I'm sorry.
For being so intrusive.



...
I dunno where to start.
..

This feeling, it's choking, it's overwhelming.
You're asleep now, I bet.



I mean,
Look at me.
Even on our first date, I took you to the place that already reminded you of your past.
Of someone who once had everything inside your heart.
Of someone who once was your most treasured.
Of someone you could never forget.


You said it.
No matter what, a memory can never be erased.
And maybe when we were there, all your memories came torrenting in your head.
What have I done...



You know, sometimes I wonder.
What did you see in me.

Did you look for the characteristics of the one you have loved before in me?
Did you see me as a replacement?
Or did you see me as I am?

I am nothing. I have told you before.
I am not good-looking.
I don't have a good figure.
I am not that smart.
I am way too emotional for a guy.
I am mentally weak.
I can't control my feelings.
I act like a small kid.
I am always a male friend to a girl. Never more.

I really don't know what it is about me that make you wanna stay. Now that I have read your archives..


Because when I see you,
Starting from that starry night in the playground,
I see a wonderful being.
I see my happiness.
I see the one.
And nothing else, nothing, no one.
Nothing in my head is able to comprehend you.
You are... someone new, with something new for me to experience with.

And I was so happy when you first said to me "kamu kan punya ku".
Again on the same playground.
Although on different dates.
Never thought that anyone would ever say that to me.



I am sorry.
I am such a fool.





You wrote to me once,
That you noticed that I looked unhappy whenever he was mentioned.
No, not that I am not happy with you mentioning.


I am... afraid.
Because to me, mentioning someone from your past love can only mean one thing.
You still think about him/her.
You have not completely got over him/her.


This is why I don't ever wanna mention about my pasts.
Because I am over them.
And I meant what I said, I don't feel awkward with someone I have let go from the past if the feeling's completely gone.
It always happens to me.


And that is what I am afraid of.
That you still remember.
That you may not have let go of everything.
And that while we're going through all this,
I may not be the only one inside your head.
And your heart.


But what I fear the most,
Is that I'm gonna lose you...
That I may never make you happy.
Not in the way that he ever did.



From the way you wrote...
Yeah, you were blissfully happy with him.
Your loss was devastating.


And I feel.. completely unworthy.
Utterly belittled.
Extremely useless..


It's like.. probably one day you're gonna wake up,
Encounter something that reminds you of anything close to it again during the day,
And realise that I can never make you as happy. Ever.
And if that day comes.
I have to let you go.


I don't want to..
I really don't...
But if that happens, I have to....

'Cause even if you're my only one, I may not be, for you.









I..
I'm sorry.
I have no rights to say anything.
If you still wanna remember, if you still feel,
It's up to you.
:)




And I understand if you are angry with me after you read this.
You can even go away if you want.
But no, I am not letting you go.
I can't find a reason to.
Why would I let go of my only one?





I'm sorry..
If all I ever do is to make you upset time and again...
I wanna change.
I wanna make you happy.
I wanna paint your expression, with a smile that I draw.
I wanna give you everything that I am.



I'm sorry...
But I love you.

Been a while.

It's been some time since I punched the wall this much.



But even with those,



This hole inside is not getting smaller.



It burns even hotter, and expands even faster.

:)

With you,

I can show even the most vulnerable side of mine.
The face that I never showed to others.
I can cry, for the first time in front of somebody, without fear.



I've been independent for so long that I forgot how it is like being dependent on somebody emotionally.
But I guess Life (and Fate) just had another plan for me.
When I can finally find pleasure in being dependent on someone again,
When I can finally learn to be joyfully in love again,
They again slapped me in the face and said, "Nope, can't let you have it your way."



When I thought that I could spend my final moments with you here before we go on our separate ways,
My parents wanted to me leave here earlier.
And my heart felt like it sank again.
And it's been a long while since I felt this bad and negative.




It's like I have to leave earlier.






And I couldn't help it.
I felt frail, and vulnerable, without you by my side.
This sounds cheesy, bloggie.
But I never thought that I could be so dependent on somebody.






Even though we may not even see each other again.
I'm determined to give it my all, and make it work.
'Cause as you said,
"Nothing has ever felt so beautiful before, ever."

Pressure.

Hey bloggie,

All of a sudden, I kinda figure out a little things that are going on inside.

This pressure. Yes.

This pressure is not compressing me, but it's tearing me apart.

It's like,

I have things to do.

I have responsibilities to fulfil.

I have stuff to take care of.

But at this very, very wrong time,

I discovered that I am again split into different "self".

One self,

Trying hard not to let my family, and myself down.

Trying hard to give it my all for this exam.

So that I have no regrets.

It convinces itself that no matter what, not letting my parents down is the one and only thing that matters right now.

The other self,

Just wanna give everything up.

Just wanna do everything at my own pace.

Just basically, resign to fate.

Convinced that no matter what I do, the path ahead has already been pre-destined for me.

And that as long as I try a little, it would be sufficient.

That third, and last self.

Wonders what the fuck is going on.

Doesn't have its own stand.

Not really sure which other side to follow.

Just wanna go into another place, another time, another space.

Another world.

Either that, or just prefer to stay right here at this damn place.

Why am I facing this kind of bullshit on this very important time?

Tell me, bloggie. FREAKING TELL ME.

I'm pathetic I know.

Please don't let anybody know.

Oh yeah, maybe nobody will know.

It's just between you and me.

Yeah, I hope nobody cares.

Nobody knows.

Nobody says anything.

'Cause it's better for it to stay within me.

Within you.

But if my pathetic self is to ever surface to the outside.

Please take me away, somewhere far away.

I don't wanna look pathetic.

Not in front of other people.

Go away, everybody, buzz off.

I don't need your pity.

Your concerns are no more real than a fake China doll.

Just, leave me alone.

Don't even say anything.

Okay, bloggie? It's just between you and me.

You and me.

I almost forgot how inseparable we are.

It's been like that all along.

Now, now.

Where did my progress to be a cyborg stop?

Why did I stop it anyway?

Who says that I need to stop?

Maybe I should really go back to that kind of road.

What do you think, bloggie? Huh?

Dear bloggie,

I need to ask for a favour from you.

If, and only if,

You can help me in this,

Please get this negativity far far away from me.

At least keep it at a distance for now.

Please.

But I don't think you probably can.

Although we've come a long way containing the spreading of this invisible gaping hole in my chest.

It's 5th November 12:32am, according to my clock.

It's about 58 minutes more to our 2-month-sary.

We're getting into our 3rd month on our journey together.

Looking back, it's short.

But feeling back, it's been a lot of things.

Really, I feel that we've been through so many together.

And going into our 3rd month together,

I'm feeling as happy as ever.

It's just,

I don't really fancy the fact that in the start of our 3rd month together,

We have to face separation.

It won't be long, of course I know.

But the thought of it,

Is enough to cause an impact on my mental state.

It's also largely because of you that I haven't broken down mentally today.

Not after all the disappointment I inflicted on myself.

Thanks to you, really.

But maybe my bad mood really managed to seep into everything that I was today.

Not to mention the feeling I have that there ARE actually people who have relied on you before me.

That there are people who actually needed you more than I did.

And that me being this way was actually adding to your burden even more.

I'm sorry for being so difficult.

I'm sorry for being so crippled on my own.

I'm sorry for needing you in my life.

I'm sorry for wanting to have you by my side.

As I thought, and voiced out today,

I still can't figure out why.

What do you see in me?

In fact, what do people ever see in me?

In my own perspectives,

I'm a nobody.

I'm not a revolutionary.

I don't possess anything special.

I don't even know if I'm ever worthy of your every attention that you presented upon me.

In fact that all I know is that I've been an ignorant, insensitive bastard that has always failed your expectations time and again. Yes, it's like I never learn.

And lastly,

I'm sorry for not wanting to say all these.

It's never in my intention to bring you down with me.

In fact,

Every little pieces of me hope that you won't be able to read this.

At least, until about 20 days later.

It's bad enough knowing that I'm feeling like I'm being pulled into another mental abyss.

It's much, much more aggravating to see that I'm dragging you down with me.

Go, and do what you are always meant to do.

You can excel this.

Don't worry about me.

I want you to put A Level before me.

Goddamn it,

No, of course I wanna be first for you.

But for your own good,

For your own sake.

Don't waste it on me.

Focus for the challenges ahead.

You'll breeze through it.

Just like I always knew you will.

With love,

Me.

:)

Another note from my phone.

On the last hour of 2nd of November 2011,


I finally got over the past. Completely. Truly. All of it.
None of it seems to be holding me back any more.
You are my dream come true.



I've never felt this strong before.
I've never felt so secure.
I've never felt so much support before.
I've never felt so right.
Never felt so blissful.
And certainly,
I've never cried for someone before. Not like this.


When I left your place tonight,
I had this overwhelming sense of palpable loss.
Yes, no matter how mushy this would sound,
It's like I left a part of me behind.
True, these three nights I spent together with you, are the ones that I would never forget.

Those moments are not even engraved on my heart.
Because my heart plays a part in it.
You are in it.
Your name isn't imprinted on my heart.
It's in my heart.


And then,
You showed me a YouTube video.
Never Be Replaced by 1st Lady.
And although I've heard this song many years before I even found you,
Suddenly this song becomes what I would say Our Song.
Because no matter what,
The next time I'm hearing that, you'll always be the one I'd associate this song with.

And then,
Tears just suddenly welled up, and they flowed so freely like I've never cried before.
But of course, I've never cried for someone before, especially not for a girl.
Truth to be told, bloggie,
Before this I used to believe that crying for a girl is silly.
Now I'm doing that silly thing.
But I don't feel silly, not in the slightest bit.
I feel how much you mean to me.
I feel how important you are to me.
That if I would ever lose you, I'd be devastated beyond my own comprehension.




I don't know what to say.
Maybe I really never had a dream come true.
'Till the day I found you.



All I know now is,
I can declare for my own,
With my utmost conviction,

That I'm in your heart,
And you're in mine.
Though the journey ahead will be hard,
I know we'll be fine.
We'll weather this storm together.

"It's us against the world."
Yes, I have not forgotten about that, at all.




I probably have never said this more confidently and surely before:


Dear Rieka Erina,
I Love You.
:)

Living a life of irony.

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"

Some say "My life is bullshit."

Some complain "My life is a joke."

I say, my life is an irony.

Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.

I say I love my parents, my family, my God.

But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,

But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,

But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,

But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,

Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,

But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.

I really, really want to understand you,

Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,

I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".

And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.

Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,

Or because I just am not worthy,

Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.

Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.

I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.

Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...

Hate.

Such a strong word to use.
But it seems proper currently.



I may be able to accept defeat.
But still I hate to lose.



I hate to lose out physically,
I hate to lose out academically,
I hate to lose out in maturity,
I hate to lose out in relationships,
And I hate to realise how much I hate to lose.






I'm a 19-year-old with nothing, no clue on what to do for the love of my life.
I'm a weird 19-year-old with no experience.
But I'm looking for a chance to do all the stuff together, for the first time.
I hatefully detest to be the one not leading in relationships.
It makes me look like a shit.
Useless, good-for-nothing kind of guy.
And no thanks for my destiny, I always don't seem to find out the girl with my idea of perfect.


Yep, my utopia will never exist.
Neither will my utopian ideals.



Ironically,
I can always put all these thoughts behind.
I can always embrace the new changes.
(although I fucking hate changes too).
I can always overlook my perfect expectations for stuff that matter more.
Or I can always lower my expectations!
Or even change my own ideals!




Yeah, I've put all those thoughts behind, but so what.
Doesn't mean they're not there.
Doesn't mean they won't surface again periodically.
Doesn't mean my ideals have changed!
Doesn't mean I can STOP hating to lose out.





Maybe it's time for me to learn something new.
A new idea that I should have fucking absorbed long ago.


Yes, the world is unfair.
Destiny is never just.
Justice doesn't exist.
Even I now cease to believe in the existence of Karma.



Oh wait, maybe Karma still functions.
I just haven't figured out what I've done wrong in my life.




Wait a minute.
Maybe my utopian ideals are wrong in the first place.
They shouldn't even be alive.
And this, bloggie, is how Karma and Destiny are showing me the punishment for having such wrong ideals.
Guess? Yeah, you got it.



By incinerating everything that I achieve for the sake of my ideals, each and every one of them.




Go on.
Keep crushing them.
My path towards my dream.
My own mentality.
My own academic.
My own physique.
My own love.
All of them.

And the only ones that remain,
Are my motivation, my dream, and my life.

And let me tell you bitch,
If you intend to annihilate the rest,
I beg you, please, just quickly destroy the last one, right away.

But of course,
WHY WOULD THEY LISTEN TO MY PLEA?
Heh.

Being stationary. For the worse.

At the crossroad.
Where everything is wrong.


You move forward, backward.
Both are mistakes.
Even not moving is wrong.


Right now,
Everything I say, everything I do.
Is all trash.


If I say something, I surely would say something hurtful, menacing.
If I don't say anything, well, it'd just lead to, nothing.
Nothing would have changed for the better.

If I do something, I'd just end up aggravating the condition.
If I don't, everything would just fall apart, and deteriorate.



You see, doing nothing has consequences too.



Running away, well, we all know it never solves the problem.
There's this compulsive, oppressive, obstinate desire to either punch something, screaming, or smoke.


I just did one of them on the spot.
Yep, I didn't get better. Those are just temporary painkillers.



So tell me now,
What's next?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hey.

I'm back.


And I have a feeling that I'll be here for a while now.


There's this urge to dig up my already filled-up abyss of emptiness and void.

Crippled. Disabled.

I'm weak.
I've always been the weaker party, emotionally.



Always the dependent one.
Always the one ending up undergoing self-destruction.



For this time,
Just this time,
I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to be the one who's able to keep us together.
I'm trying not to be the one falling apart all the time, every time.
I don't wanna make myself look this miserable, like a burden to you.


But at this rate,
At this point where my schoolwork is like shit,
I'm also breaking apart mentally.
I'm telling you, bloggie. I've never been so hopeless, clueless, helpless academically before.



Now I'm just sailing blindly in a stormy seas.
The ocean has swallowed away my compass, my map.
The dark, luminous clouds are blocking away the sunlight and the moonlight.
The hard pouring rain obstructing my vision.
I'm only letting my life drifting away.
My oar is broken too.
What's the use of oar anyway?
It's not like it can be used to move myself against this massive current.
And even if I can move,
Where can I go to?
Everywhere I see is pitch black.
Not a single glimpse of light around me.

Now I'm tempted to just jump out of this cage to submerge myself under the sea.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
In this transparent box.
Floating away.
Aimlessly.
Lifelessly.



And all I can do is pray, and scream for myself to hear.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Random sparks in my head.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, or even dreaming peacefully by now.


But look at what I am doing now.

Pondering about stuff again.





Hey bloggie (been a while since I last greeted you)


They say if you have to love someone, you have to accept her with all your heart.

Accept who she is,
Embrace who she was,
And grab hold of who she will be.



I'm feeling a bit hesitant now.
Maybe it's not her.
Yes it never is.

It's me.



Maybe I'm just feeling neglected.
Maybe I'm just desperate for attention.
Maybe I'm just afraid.
Maybe I'm just incompetent.



After holding up for so long, I could never expect that I'm opening up again.
Even opening up without fear.
Faster than ever.



But the fact that I still don't know what she was like, at all,
Echoed a voice from inside of me.

"hey, are you not giving in too much again? Falling too deeply too early again?"


I know I may be.
And I have no intention to stop.



I'm just... Wondering.
Whether what it says is true.



What people say it's right.
As a guy I can't give in too much.
At least not more than the girl.
I can't make myself look desperate,
Or she will be repelled by my excessive insecurities.

I should not be the one to give more attention.
I should not trust too early.
The one who gives more in a relationship will be the one with more heartaches.



But.
I chose to ignore all that.
I'm just a weird guy.
I'm ALWAYS like the girl.
Never the guy.



What's with me and insecurities anyway?
It's like I can't get them off me.
They stick like a parasite, feeding off its host. Me.



Right now,
I'm just afraid.
What if I can't meet that standard?
What if I screw up again?
What if I can't accept her?
What if I will end up desperate again?

What if we don't work out?
What if I lose this important person, for the rest of my life?

She's my first. That's for sure.

And I know I may not be hers.

Right now that's what's been killing me the most.

Don't ask me why.

I don't even know myself.

I don't even know what I'm doing,

Or what I'm feeling sometimes.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yeah, maybe, no.

Maybe I want it.

Maybe I don't.

No I think I want it.

Wait, or maybe I don't.



And this keeps going all over again inside my head.
Which one is for sure? I don't know.
I still can't figure it out.


But what I know,

Is that you make me happy.
And a bunch of other simple things.



The mere mention of your name,
The mere flash of thoughts about you,
The beeping of the text message notifications from you,
The time that we spent together, singing under the stars in the windy night,

They all put a smile on my face.



Maybe I don't want this feeling,
Maybe I don't want this to happen at all.


But the last time I rejected a chance, it proved to be bad for me.


Maybe I'll just keep things simple.
Maybe I'll just let nature takes its course for now.

But still,
Maybe I wanna make you smile, likewise.
Maybe I wanna make you the most important person in my life,
Maybe I wanna make you feel like a princess every day,
Maybe I wanna be the one who remembers stuff about you that nobody else knows.
Maybe I wanna be the one who cares for you the most.
Maybe I just wanna let my feelings out for you.
Maybe I just want you in my life.



Maybe I don't want them all.
Or maybe I do.


Here we go.
Back to square one of the argument.




But maybe,
You'll never feel about me the same way that I do about you.
Maybe a FRIEND is all I can ever be.
Forever.
All the time.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Another to add to my collection of scars.

I've had many.

Just like tattoos, they serve me an important purpose,

To remind myself what would happen whenever I take my steps.

And this, is the story of how I get my newest.

It was April 8th 2011, about 10:40am

I was waiting for the release of my PW result.

I was feeling pretty excited. Even more excited than nervous.

Realising everyone in my group looked nervous, I decided to calm them down and give them some confidence.

I gave them each a High-5s.

And when the result was released, nobody moved first.

So I went to retrieve my mark.

It was totally something I did not expect.

I got a B instead of an A.

I was a bit taken aback, but went on to think of what would have gone wrong.

Then I shrugged that thought, jumping to an early conclusion that it could have been my OP.

I screwed up my "R" pronunciation after all.

But that was not the end, yet.

I asked the rest one by one,

And yes, all the guys got A.

Except me.

I was feeling astounded.

What the hell?!

I'm the only one?!

Again, that was not the end.

I realised, for another time, that EVERYONE in my group got a B.

Except for one person.

Yes, and that included me.

And to finish it all, there are only 7 people in the class who got a B.

And my group has got more than half of it.

Instantly, Hui Ying sat and broke down.

Jia Yi was speechless.

Li Shi seemed to have resigned to fate already.

Marc was happy. Of course, he got an A.

Meanwhile, I was in a bath of mixed feeling.

Devastation, Astonishment, Disappointment, Stunned, Anxiety, Pessimism, Sorrow.

They were all brewing inside me.

I just sat down, mouth shut tight, face expressionless.

I felt so tight inside, I had a feeling I would explode soon.

So I headed outside, to the toilet.

But nothing happened.

I couldn't even let it out.

I was still too shaken to express it out.

Then I came back.

I put on an indifferent face.

And then the cohort was dismissed back to resume lessons.

I stormed off first,

And after some time, only did I realise my PM was tailing me.

She then called me and brought me to some remote study corner and somehow "forced" me to talk it out.

I first put on a smile, a fake smile.

Still trying to joke around.

And then I swear I saw tears welled up in her eyes,

I guess she saw through me. Through my fortress, my hard shell.

She figured out what I actually was going through deep inside.

And then, that was when I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer anymore.

I burst out in tears. Finally.

It was brief. Maybe only a few minutes.

But it felt kinda relieving.

Stuff I couldn't express in words, my tears took it from me.

But again, that was not yet over.

Even as I underwent some exercise during PE,

Even as I forced myself with some work-out in the college gym,

Even as I pushed myself for some jogging,

The fact that I was wondering how could the whole group entirely got wiped out in Bs, still lingered at the back of my mind, refusing to stop sticking around.

And actually, even after I reached my comfort zone at home,

I couldn't get over the pain.

Worse still, people around me are all getting As.

Okay, maybe except a few fellas who were in the same state as I was.

The concern that they were showing were all just fake, and short-lived.

Concerns are just concerns.

Who are you to say that you understand what I'm feeling?

And that's just that.

Even until now,

The pain has not healed up.

Okay, maybe the gaping hole's closing up,

But the feeling? No.

The scars have been engraved.

Let this be another mark for me.

To remember that this is not what I should settle for.

To remember that I have got to take the remaining ones more seriously.

To remember that I have to, at all cost, avoid this feeling and moment ever again.

Am I in fear of another one? Yes. Definitely.

Would I let myself meet another moment like this? No.

Absolutely not.

This scar will not disappear.

And I'll ultimately stop being in fear.

Over you.

Finally.

Sure, I miss what I had with you.

But heck, it was 3-4 years ago.

It's not even the same now.

I find that you're more annoying sometimes.

And I've never been more sure that finally,

Yes, after such a long ponder,

I'm so over you.

Too much light.

I've not visited this eternal abyss for some time now.

I've been too long on the light. It's like I kinda forget who's the other dark side of me.

No, partner, I haven't forgotten.

It's just that I thought I can continue with my life, without you.

I was not right.

Turns out, you're the only one who's beside me all the time.

In fact you are even better than some people, who just sticks on me during my positive times.

You console me in my darkest times and even allow me to enjoy some of my positive times too.

But what the fuck is wrong with me seriously.

Partner, can you answer this for me?

Why the fuck do I stay in the past?

Why in the name of the fuck can't I just move on with my life, emotionally?

I see my apparent soulmate:

I can't get over the greatness that I felt. It makes matters worse knowing that she doesn't even care about anything at all now.

I try to do the same. I've been trying.

But all I know is that I will keep coming back; to try, and to relive the moments.

I see the one who apparently healed my heart during my worst period:

I get back into confusion.

WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE SO SUDDENLY? Without a word.

And it was just after such a heavenly part of it.

But what's worse is that I DIDN'T DO THE RIGHT THING TO FIX IT.

I PRETENDED AS IF I WAS OKAY.

I WAS AFRAID TO SHOW MY OWN VULNERABILITY.

And now? She's possibly lying in the arms of somebody else now.

I don't want any other new ones.

Not in the right mood for it, partner.

I'd rather stay in my own way.

My own darkness? My own light?

We'll see.

But I hope you can work together with the light.

And I thought the vicious cycle of love would never reach me, much less harm me.
I'm immune to that.
I won't mind to that.


Fuck.
Today, okay, more like yesterday,
I WAS FUCKING WRONG.



Working with the Student Council for Orientation 2 as PA Crew, I knew somehow I would encounter LS again.
I did.
FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.
It was like WE NEVER KNOWN EACH OTHER AT ALL BEFORE.


FUCK!!
And the worst part,
I would be lying if I said I wasn't bothered.
IT FUCKING HURT, LIKE SHIT.



I didn't care much.
But somewhere deep inside me,
Somehow it just got stung,
By something so far outside.



All of a sudden,
An apparent "soulmate" I once had seemed like nothing insignificant.
Contemplating a move on Aik Ching didn't matter anymore.

All of a sudden,
The memories strike back.
Negativity plagued my soul all over again.
And the unanswered question echoed in my mind again,
"Why did you just leave like you did?"


I'd do anything to go back to the day we went out together,
For the first, and the last time.
Instead of watching you leave from behind your back,
And stopping to talk to you 'till midnight,
I'd sort everything out,
Ask what went wrong,
What had I done so badly?
What had I not fucking done?
And lastly, of course, finding the right answer and fucking pull myself away from all this.



Okay, bullshit.






No matter what I'd done, it would definitely be better than what I had accomplished back then.
And it's definitely better than be unanswered, and pushed away suddenly.

It's been a long time since I visited here.
Well it's been a while since I last had a emotional flux again.
Not that I do now, I just feel like visiting again.

So, I shall start with another confidential note I made on 29 December 2010 on my phone.


I fantasise.
Okay, seriously, like fucking a lot.

Mainly things I would never think of doing for real.
When I was young, it would be super-hero stuff, like flying, moving in super speed, or delivering punches and kicks to some people.


But now,
Sometimes fulfilling my own dream of being a doctor,
Owning a big dream house, driving my own dream car, waking up in the morning with seaside just outside my bedroom window and my own yacht by the dock behind my mansion.

But mostly,
Okay, this is gonna sound ridiculous and childish, and totally immature.
Mostly I kinda day-dream of things I would ever do if I make a move on my crush.
And what happened when I succeed; things that we would ever do together.

The issue is, it's never about how if I ever failed, or what happened if we ever fall out.
There are always two sides to this right? Why am I always so afraid to face these two truths, though they have always been visiting me time and again?

In my own fantasy, everything is perfect. It's my own utopia.
There are no "bad" and "negative" in there.

I wonder what exactly enables this to be happening in me.
But from my own conclusion,
I believe it's because I'm such a failure.
I can't bring myself to do the things that I wanna do, like making a move on my crush.
I keep telling myself it may not be worth it, but truthfully deep inside I do know that I'm just afraid to get pushed away.
I'm afraid of the heartbreak.
Turned out I'm not a cyborg emotionally after all.
*sigh*
How to switch off or freeze emotions after all?

You see, even making my move itself is a fantasy for me.
Much less fulfilling my other fantasies.



Yeah, so that was it.
Many at times I am in a dilemma whether I want to make a move on Aik Ching or not.
Almost all the guys have suggested that to me. Even my personal mentor.
The thing is, I'm not sure about what I feel. If I'm not sure, normally I don't wanna force it.
Secondly, I don't wanna risk the pain.
If I succeed, that would be good.
If I don't, well, what if I can't enter a Med school?
What if my emotions are so badly affected that it disrupts my childhood dream?
But if I don't try, I'll never know.
And of course she's not easy, so it should be worth it. =)


Argh fuck.


Anyway,


I GOT CIVICS REP POSITION BABY!
I'VE BEEN WANTING THAT POST SINCE THE LAST FUCKING YEAR.
I'M TIRED OF BEING THE WELFARE REP, REMEMBERING ALL THE BIRTHDAY AND ORGANISING OUTINGS ARE SO DAMN TROUBLESOME.
But oh well, the "iron lady" is the other civics rep.
Should I let her be dominant?
Or should I represent the guys' voices and chip in the decision-making?

We'll see!

BUT I'VE GOT THE FUCKING POST BABY!



AND OH YEAH, I QUIT NJBASKETBALL!
FINALLY,
AFTER I GOT SO SICK OF THE PEOPLE AND THE FUCKING TRAININGS.
FUCKING HARDCORE AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD.
AND THE PEOPLE,well ,I can't get along with them.
SO HASTA LA VISTA!

My tactic works!
I acted as if my parents scolded me for not concentrating in studies.
SCOLDED ME BADLY.
Well, they do get concerned about it, but not to the point where I would be grounded or something.
But still, telling that to my teacher works!
Having such supportive parents is such a blessing!


xD