Hello, old friend.
It's funny, really.
I know I'm not exactly the kind of person that looks forward to what's coming ahead.
But what I find really puzzling, is that I don't just stay in the past.
I stay in the same time period. All the time.
Let me put it this way.
Whenever I recall about the past; in both good and bad memories,
The one that has the most impact was the period from 2006 to 2011,
Namely my first 6 years in Singapore.
It's like no matter what I do, every time I reminisce about the past, memories from these days affected me the most deeply.
Those 6 years were like a drug that I know will do me no good, but I keep consuming either way.
The years before that, came in second as a group.
Yes, they hold memories dear to me too, both pleasant and painful.
Yet somehow, the time period afterwards, 2012 until now, were the years that I don't really want to reminisce.
The years in SUTD.
I'm not saying the memories I made here aren't worthy.
Neither am I saying that I don't make any happenings worth remembering.
It's just, I think they have they make less impact.
Putting it bluntly, I don't think I have been in touch with my emotional side while I'm here, for a few obvious reasons:
For not wanting to experience the same kind of emotional torture, and of course for having been occupied with tons of school work, which drains me every day.
Or is it because I just grow up a little more, and in the process discarding a lot of things I always did from way before?
Thinking about it tho, maybe the lack of emotional engagement from my side is the one causing me not to miss much of these years.
Suddenly, the love songs I have heard from many eons ago make a lot of sense.
As cheesy as it sounds, no pain means no gain.
I won't be able to experience the sweet, if I don't risk getting the bitter.
I find it irritating too that somehow everyone has moved on, while I seem to still being the one desperately, pointlessly clawing my way back to the past.
It feels as if I'm moving on a long tube forward, with a set of pistons constantly, perpetually pushing me forward despite my best effort to stop them from stopping, much less retaliating.
Everybody has changed, somehow, someway, somewhat.
Yes, my outward appearance and my logical side have changed slightly too.
But deep down, emotionally I still feel that I'm the same me from 2010.
That's why I still have the same few best friends (tho I think they might not think the same way as I do).
That's why I still enjoy hanging out at the places I too used to frequent.
That's why, deep down, all the scars remain unhealed.
And that's why I can still keep coming back here, and relating to everything.
I may be constantly moving forward as the clock is ticking,
But within the time period of 2006-2011 is where I'm constantly trapped.
