I am.. Really sorry..

I'm sorry, for not mentioning this to you earlier..


For the past an hour or two, actually I've been reading your blog's archives.
For my own pleasure, well, initially...


Then...
Somehow, I understood the sentence that sentence that you told me on our first date.
"Reading your private blog made me feel your pain."


And now,
I'm sorry.
For being so intrusive.



...
I dunno where to start.
..

This feeling, it's choking, it's overwhelming.
You're asleep now, I bet.



I mean,
Look at me.
Even on our first date, I took you to the place that already reminded you of your past.
Of someone who once had everything inside your heart.
Of someone who once was your most treasured.
Of someone you could never forget.


You said it.
No matter what, a memory can never be erased.
And maybe when we were there, all your memories came torrenting in your head.
What have I done...



You know, sometimes I wonder.
What did you see in me.

Did you look for the characteristics of the one you have loved before in me?
Did you see me as a replacement?
Or did you see me as I am?

I am nothing. I have told you before.
I am not good-looking.
I don't have a good figure.
I am not that smart.
I am way too emotional for a guy.
I am mentally weak.
I can't control my feelings.
I act like a small kid.
I am always a male friend to a girl. Never more.

I really don't know what it is about me that make you wanna stay. Now that I have read your archives..


Because when I see you,
Starting from that starry night in the playground,
I see a wonderful being.
I see my happiness.
I see the one.
And nothing else, nothing, no one.
Nothing in my head is able to comprehend you.
You are... someone new, with something new for me to experience with.

And I was so happy when you first said to me "kamu kan punya ku".
Again on the same playground.
Although on different dates.
Never thought that anyone would ever say that to me.



I am sorry.
I am such a fool.





You wrote to me once,
That you noticed that I looked unhappy whenever he was mentioned.
No, not that I am not happy with you mentioning.


I am... afraid.
Because to me, mentioning someone from your past love can only mean one thing.
You still think about him/her.
You have not completely got over him/her.


This is why I don't ever wanna mention about my pasts.
Because I am over them.
And I meant what I said, I don't feel awkward with someone I have let go from the past if the feeling's completely gone.
It always happens to me.


And that is what I am afraid of.
That you still remember.
That you may not have let go of everything.
And that while we're going through all this,
I may not be the only one inside your head.
And your heart.


But what I fear the most,
Is that I'm gonna lose you...
That I may never make you happy.
Not in the way that he ever did.



From the way you wrote...
Yeah, you were blissfully happy with him.
Your loss was devastating.


And I feel.. completely unworthy.
Utterly belittled.
Extremely useless..


It's like.. probably one day you're gonna wake up,
Encounter something that reminds you of anything close to it again during the day,
And realise that I can never make you as happy. Ever.
And if that day comes.
I have to let you go.


I don't want to..
I really don't...
But if that happens, I have to....

'Cause even if you're my only one, I may not be, for you.









I..
I'm sorry.
I have no rights to say anything.
If you still wanna remember, if you still feel,
It's up to you.
:)




And I understand if you are angry with me after you read this.
You can even go away if you want.
But no, I am not letting you go.
I can't find a reason to.
Why would I let go of my only one?





I'm sorry..
If all I ever do is to make you upset time and again...
I wanna change.
I wanna make you happy.
I wanna paint your expression, with a smile that I draw.
I wanna give you everything that I am.



I'm sorry...
But I love you.

Been a while.

It's been some time since I punched the wall this much.



But even with those,



This hole inside is not getting smaller.



It burns even hotter, and expands even faster.

:)

With you,

I can show even the most vulnerable side of mine.
The face that I never showed to others.
I can cry, for the first time in front of somebody, without fear.



I've been independent for so long that I forgot how it is like being dependent on somebody emotionally.
But I guess Life (and Fate) just had another plan for me.
When I can finally find pleasure in being dependent on someone again,
When I can finally learn to be joyfully in love again,
They again slapped me in the face and said, "Nope, can't let you have it your way."



When I thought that I could spend my final moments with you here before we go on our separate ways,
My parents wanted to me leave here earlier.
And my heart felt like it sank again.
And it's been a long while since I felt this bad and negative.




It's like I have to leave earlier.






And I couldn't help it.
I felt frail, and vulnerable, without you by my side.
This sounds cheesy, bloggie.
But I never thought that I could be so dependent on somebody.






Even though we may not even see each other again.
I'm determined to give it my all, and make it work.
'Cause as you said,
"Nothing has ever felt so beautiful before, ever."

Pressure.

Hey bloggie,

All of a sudden, I kinda figure out a little things that are going on inside.

This pressure. Yes.

This pressure is not compressing me, but it's tearing me apart.

It's like,

I have things to do.

I have responsibilities to fulfil.

I have stuff to take care of.

But at this very, very wrong time,

I discovered that I am again split into different "self".

One self,

Trying hard not to let my family, and myself down.

Trying hard to give it my all for this exam.

So that I have no regrets.

It convinces itself that no matter what, not letting my parents down is the one and only thing that matters right now.

The other self,

Just wanna give everything up.

Just wanna do everything at my own pace.

Just basically, resign to fate.

Convinced that no matter what I do, the path ahead has already been pre-destined for me.

And that as long as I try a little, it would be sufficient.

That third, and last self.

Wonders what the fuck is going on.

Doesn't have its own stand.

Not really sure which other side to follow.

Just wanna go into another place, another time, another space.

Another world.

Either that, or just prefer to stay right here at this damn place.

Why am I facing this kind of bullshit on this very important time?

Tell me, bloggie. FREAKING TELL ME.

I'm pathetic I know.

Please don't let anybody know.

Oh yeah, maybe nobody will know.

It's just between you and me.

Yeah, I hope nobody cares.

Nobody knows.

Nobody says anything.

'Cause it's better for it to stay within me.

Within you.

But if my pathetic self is to ever surface to the outside.

Please take me away, somewhere far away.

I don't wanna look pathetic.

Not in front of other people.

Go away, everybody, buzz off.

I don't need your pity.

Your concerns are no more real than a fake China doll.

Just, leave me alone.

Don't even say anything.

Okay, bloggie? It's just between you and me.

You and me.

I almost forgot how inseparable we are.

It's been like that all along.

Now, now.

Where did my progress to be a cyborg stop?

Why did I stop it anyway?

Who says that I need to stop?

Maybe I should really go back to that kind of road.

What do you think, bloggie? Huh?

Dear bloggie,

I need to ask for a favour from you.

If, and only if,

You can help me in this,

Please get this negativity far far away from me.

At least keep it at a distance for now.

Please.

But I don't think you probably can.

Although we've come a long way containing the spreading of this invisible gaping hole in my chest.

It's 5th November 12:32am, according to my clock.

It's about 58 minutes more to our 2-month-sary.

We're getting into our 3rd month on our journey together.

Looking back, it's short.

But feeling back, it's been a lot of things.

Really, I feel that we've been through so many together.

And going into our 3rd month together,

I'm feeling as happy as ever.

It's just,

I don't really fancy the fact that in the start of our 3rd month together,

We have to face separation.

It won't be long, of course I know.

But the thought of it,

Is enough to cause an impact on my mental state.

It's also largely because of you that I haven't broken down mentally today.

Not after all the disappointment I inflicted on myself.

Thanks to you, really.

But maybe my bad mood really managed to seep into everything that I was today.

Not to mention the feeling I have that there ARE actually people who have relied on you before me.

That there are people who actually needed you more than I did.

And that me being this way was actually adding to your burden even more.

I'm sorry for being so difficult.

I'm sorry for being so crippled on my own.

I'm sorry for needing you in my life.

I'm sorry for wanting to have you by my side.

As I thought, and voiced out today,

I still can't figure out why.

What do you see in me?

In fact, what do people ever see in me?

In my own perspectives,

I'm a nobody.

I'm not a revolutionary.

I don't possess anything special.

I don't even know if I'm ever worthy of your every attention that you presented upon me.

In fact that all I know is that I've been an ignorant, insensitive bastard that has always failed your expectations time and again. Yes, it's like I never learn.

And lastly,

I'm sorry for not wanting to say all these.

It's never in my intention to bring you down with me.

In fact,

Every little pieces of me hope that you won't be able to read this.

At least, until about 20 days later.

It's bad enough knowing that I'm feeling like I'm being pulled into another mental abyss.

It's much, much more aggravating to see that I'm dragging you down with me.

Go, and do what you are always meant to do.

You can excel this.

Don't worry about me.

I want you to put A Level before me.

Goddamn it,

No, of course I wanna be first for you.

But for your own good,

For your own sake.

Don't waste it on me.

Focus for the challenges ahead.

You'll breeze through it.

Just like I always knew you will.

With love,

Me.

:)

Another note from my phone.

On the last hour of 2nd of November 2011,


I finally got over the past. Completely. Truly. All of it.
None of it seems to be holding me back any more.
You are my dream come true.



I've never felt this strong before.
I've never felt so secure.
I've never felt so much support before.
I've never felt so right.
Never felt so blissful.
And certainly,
I've never cried for someone before. Not like this.


When I left your place tonight,
I had this overwhelming sense of palpable loss.
Yes, no matter how mushy this would sound,
It's like I left a part of me behind.
True, these three nights I spent together with you, are the ones that I would never forget.

Those moments are not even engraved on my heart.
Because my heart plays a part in it.
You are in it.
Your name isn't imprinted on my heart.
It's in my heart.


And then,
You showed me a YouTube video.
Never Be Replaced by 1st Lady.
And although I've heard this song many years before I even found you,
Suddenly this song becomes what I would say Our Song.
Because no matter what,
The next time I'm hearing that, you'll always be the one I'd associate this song with.

And then,
Tears just suddenly welled up, and they flowed so freely like I've never cried before.
But of course, I've never cried for someone before, especially not for a girl.
Truth to be told, bloggie,
Before this I used to believe that crying for a girl is silly.
Now I'm doing that silly thing.
But I don't feel silly, not in the slightest bit.
I feel how much you mean to me.
I feel how important you are to me.
That if I would ever lose you, I'd be devastated beyond my own comprehension.




I don't know what to say.
Maybe I really never had a dream come true.
'Till the day I found you.



All I know now is,
I can declare for my own,
With my utmost conviction,

That I'm in your heart,
And you're in mine.
Though the journey ahead will be hard,
I know we'll be fine.
We'll weather this storm together.

"It's us against the world."
Yes, I have not forgotten about that, at all.




I probably have never said this more confidently and surely before:


Dear Rieka Erina,
I Love You.
:)