I never liked a movie this much.
And a movie never lingered on my mind for this long.
But this movie, there's just something about it that makes me unable to push it away from my head.
Avatar.
That's the name.
Before i watched it, I thought it was just another sci-fi movie.
But it was a different feeling as I stepped outside the theatre afterwards.
'damn nice' was all I could mutter.
And automatically my head thought of a review, and my hand typed it in my handphone, just in case I would forget it.
It was one of the best, if not the best movie I have ever watched.
Until two days later, all I could think about day and night was that.
I went to sleep hoping to dream about this, and woke up thinking if I dreamt about it last night.
I still have no idea what makes this movie seems so awesome to me.
Maybe due to the war theme? It was futuristic warheads vs ancient creatures.
This idea was unique, combining two war eras into one movie.
Maybe the setting of the planet itself was beautiful. It was real scenic, especially the floating mountains and the glowing plants that light up Pandora's night.
Maybe because of the life of the Omaticaya tribe.
They live closely to the Nature, if not one with them.
I wanna live that kind of life.
I realise a technological life isnt what I desire.
A simple one would be good.
Maybe because of the love between Neytiri and Jake.
They were destined to be together, from the way they met, looked each other, and mated in front of Eywa, their Mother Nature.
A concrete example of a true love. Makes me realise my feeling about love is such a shit compared to what is happening between them.
Maybe due to the fact that Jake feels like he is dreaming his own life in his avatar.
Being in his avatar and living as a Na'vi, he found his true happiness.
It feels like I'm living in there too.
My real life feels redundant.
The world there is just so beautiful that I cant seem to find the right synonym for 'beautiful' to describe the life in that movie.
It was more than just beautiful.
It was a perfect life.
Simple, one with nature, peaceful.
Maybe because I realised the fact of how money can turn people and the world upside down.
I realised what greedy people can do to satisfy their extreme desire for money.
From ruining nature itself to take souls away indiscriminately.
It disgusts me to know humans can do that, and I am the same species as them.
It makes me even more sick to know that I can be like that too.
I wanna be another creature. A Na'vi if possible.
But that'll be a dream.
A dream which I need to wake up from. Soon.
Maybe due to the plot of the movie.
Dramatic-builder, with no anti-climax present.
Keep you hooked to the movie right from the beginning to the very end.
Keep you wanting to know what's next, keep you in real wonder.
Oh, shit. I can't stop thinking abt it.
It's too wonderful.
The Pandora, the Na'vi, Jake and Neytiri, their love and emotional bond, the closeness to Nature, the simple life these Omaticaya people had, their fearless spirit.
Everything feels like a dream to me.
It doesn't feel like a movie.
It feels real, too real to be a movie and too fake to be a dream itself.
Confusing? Yes I am in such great awe too.
These two days, I wish to have these dreams in my sleep.
Thats why I sleep quite early these few days.
I wanna have a chance to sip what my dream world feels like.
I hope for that to happen.
But it won't happen.
I want it to happen.
It can't happen.
God must have the purpose for making me feel this thoughtful about Avatar.
He must have wanted me to realise something.
I hope I'll figure that out soon.
Cause all I'm thinking now are Pandora, Jake, Neytiri, Omaticaya, and Eywa.
Avatar.
[another note I wrote on my handphone 12:13am WIB, Monday 21st December 2009]
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Life can really change overnight huh?
I think I've told you before.
I reflect way, way too much on holidays.
Mostly, about US.
When I first saw you,
Good friends were all that could be, I thought.
When we became good friends,
Suddenly my heart changed.
When my feelings for you grew stronger,
You started to show that you care.
When we cared for each other more than a friend could,
You backed away.
When I was writhing in pain,
You backed away further.
When I started to back away too, still writhing in pain,
We two avoided each other.
When Fate changed things between us,
We suddenly became closer again.
As we became closer,
We figured out that soulmates are what we were.
And now,
I'm doubting my own perseverance.
I started to feel this is not how a soulmate should be.
It's more...like siblings now.
I don't feel the "L word" anymore.
[Anyway, I decided that L word shouldn't be thrown around casually. So I'm not gonna say it anymore.]
Although my feelings for you remain the same,
I am starting to doubt whether we can really make it or not.
Not that I'm afraid to work for it.
I'm afraid you don't have time to work for it.
I remember during secondary,
You had to neglect everything about us even during Mid-Year Exams.
With JC,
I'll bet that you'll neglect me since the start.
And I'll be in the same state like I was in earlier this year.
Talking to myself, without any reply.
And then my negative self takes over.
Crushing my mentality inside out.
And my work will be affected.
Dead.
Now I'm starting to feel whether to give this up or not.
I don't want to.
But I really see that you don't wanna work for it anymore either.
You prefer to stay in your way now.
All our soulmate thing,
I think you don't understand what a soulmate means.
You don't understand how to be one.
And you certainly don't wanna be that piece of me anymore.
Because,
You already love someone.
And that automatically makes you unable to let others in.
You'll be crushed if you let go of him.
And even with what I do, I can't heal your heart anymore in that kind of state.
Last but not least,
The certainty issue you always think of about.
All you think of him was he WILL be forever with you, and all you think of me was I WILL NEVER be able to be with you for long.
I used to think a soulmate from other country doesn't matter much to me.
No matter how difficult it is,
I don't wanna give it up, as long as it's for my own happiness.
My perseverance is starting to fade now.
I am beginning to think that I can never make you stay with me either.
Where did my optimistic mindset go?
And since you don't wanna work for it too,
I'm thinking that maybe we are not really meant to be together.
And I'm beginning to think of the phrase I used to loathe; Give Up.
I don't wanna give up.
I don't.
But there are just some things you can't change.
Some things need to be accepted, even if you don't wanna do so.
Some things need to be let go, no matter how much it'll hurt you.
And sometimes, you just can't fight Destiny back.
Still, I'm not sure yet.
I said before, I'll fight 'till the last ounce of my mental strength.
I'll continue fighting with what I still have now.
Having said that,
The battlefield of emotions continue to flare,
And this war goes on.
I reflect way, way too much on holidays.
Mostly, about US.
When I first saw you,
Good friends were all that could be, I thought.
When we became good friends,
Suddenly my heart changed.
When my feelings for you grew stronger,
You started to show that you care.
When we cared for each other more than a friend could,
You backed away.
When I was writhing in pain,
You backed away further.
When I started to back away too, still writhing in pain,
We two avoided each other.
When Fate changed things between us,
We suddenly became closer again.
As we became closer,
We figured out that soulmates are what we were.
And now,
I'm doubting my own perseverance.
I started to feel this is not how a soulmate should be.
It's more...like siblings now.
I don't feel the "L word" anymore.
[Anyway, I decided that L word shouldn't be thrown around casually. So I'm not gonna say it anymore.]
Although my feelings for you remain the same,
I am starting to doubt whether we can really make it or not.
Not that I'm afraid to work for it.
I'm afraid you don't have time to work for it.
I remember during secondary,
You had to neglect everything about us even during Mid-Year Exams.
With JC,
I'll bet that you'll neglect me since the start.
And I'll be in the same state like I was in earlier this year.
Talking to myself, without any reply.
And then my negative self takes over.
Crushing my mentality inside out.
And my work will be affected.
Dead.
Now I'm starting to feel whether to give this up or not.
I don't want to.
But I really see that you don't wanna work for it anymore either.
You prefer to stay in your way now.
All our soulmate thing,
I think you don't understand what a soulmate means.
You don't understand how to be one.
And you certainly don't wanna be that piece of me anymore.
Because,
You already love someone.
And that automatically makes you unable to let others in.
You'll be crushed if you let go of him.
And even with what I do, I can't heal your heart anymore in that kind of state.
Last but not least,
The certainty issue you always think of about.
All you think of him was he WILL be forever with you, and all you think of me was I WILL NEVER be able to be with you for long.
I used to think a soulmate from other country doesn't matter much to me.
No matter how difficult it is,
I don't wanna give it up, as long as it's for my own happiness.
My perseverance is starting to fade now.
I am beginning to think that I can never make you stay with me either.
Where did my optimistic mindset go?
And since you don't wanna work for it too,
I'm thinking that maybe we are not really meant to be together.
And I'm beginning to think of the phrase I used to loathe; Give Up.
I don't wanna give up.
I don't.
But there are just some things you can't change.
Some things need to be accepted, even if you don't wanna do so.
Some things need to be let go, no matter how much it'll hurt you.
And sometimes, you just can't fight Destiny back.
Still, I'm not sure yet.
I said before, I'll fight 'till the last ounce of my mental strength.
I'll continue fighting with what I still have now.
Having said that,
The battlefield of emotions continue to flare,
And this war goes on.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Another past I recalled.
All of a sudden a thought came by my mind.
These 2 years with her was not a smooth journey.
And when I thought this was a long road,
I remembered my first love.
A 7 years of 'adventure'. Haha.
It was on year 1999.
Primary 2, first day.
I already made a name for myself as the noisiest guy in class, a title I manage to hold until today, regardless where I am living at xD
And the form teacher made a decision, to sit me to next a girl.
Not just a girl, but the QUIETEST in class.
Well, it didn't bother me at first.
I kept talking during lessons.
But many times, she shushed me.
And then something moved inside me.
I felt different.
Normally I talk to guys and girls indifferently. Both are same.
And the night I started feeling different. I started to think about her.
I was so young, so childish.
Yet what I thought was love.
And there it goes.
The next day I didn't know what went into my mind.
I started making simple letters with 'I Love You'.
Then sending it to her.
I remembered on a day I even learnt to make a simple flower using origami technique.
Professing my love to her in public, I couldn't care less.
In fact, I didn't think of the consequences.
For the subsequent years till Primary 6,
Basically the whole school knows about my feelings for her.
Yes, ALL of the school, even teachers and janitors.
What a scandal I made for myself.
Even to my Kumon centre, everyone who hung around with me, and the teachers knew.
I remembered once, suddenly her little brother came up to me, asking me "Kevin brother, you really like my sister?"
IN FRONT OF THE EYES OF SO MANY TEACHERS.
Hahahaha that was very comical, now that I think about it.
Anyway she never responded to my feelings for 4 years until we graduated from that primary school.
And even though I liked other girls in between the years, my heart kept coming back to her.
I even got another girlfriend between those years.
Another scandal I made. That girlfriend was the tallest girl in class, so she was taller than me. And me? The shortest guy in class.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Surprisingly though, I started to see this first love of mine more often in the church, especially since I started to join the altar boys group.
She was a senior in that year.
We didn't talk much.
Eye contacts were all that were.
Then everything started to change.
I didn't remember how we started to text each other more often day by day.
That was during first year of Secondary.
Although we went to separate schools,
we lived around the same neighbourhood,
And we went to same church.
Oh yeah, same Kumon centre too.
Once I sat beside her during the lessons.
And that was when my heart felt love for first time. Haha.
I could see her smiling from the corner of my eye too.
And then next year,
Secondary 2.
The peak of our relationship.
We became really close, although people couldn't see it till me or her told them.
We texted every night.
And one day, around 1am, I asked her out.
And yes, she accepted.
However, the next morning, she said she couldn't do this. Her parents would get furious if they knew.
So alright, then. Haha.
Surprisingly, she still talked very sweetly towards me.
Even better than before I asked her out.
And then that was valentine.
She offered me to exchange chocolate.
So I went to buy the best chocolate I could find, secretly of course.
And when we met [SECRETLY, haha.], I was again surprised that she gave me a pink chocolate, with the words I Love You carved in the centre.
When she gave it to me, she smiled and said "Sorry if it doesn't look too good. This is the best I could make."
SHE MADE IT HERSELF. OMG xDDD
For the first time I felt loved. Haha.
Beautiful things continued to happen between us that year. We became close as couple, although not officially-said between us =P
But things took a twist of fate.
I moved to study in Singapore on beginning of 2006.
I could see her sadness in her words she sent to me via text message.
We continued to talk till 14th February 2006. Yes, Valentine's Day.
She still said she loved me, but wouldn't mind if I had found another one here in Singapore. Of course I could sense that she wasn't at all happy.
And then,
My Dad noticed the expensive handphone bill I used.
And demanded me at once not to text message internationally again.
So that was it.
My first love catastrophe of my life.
We stopped contact.
I couldn't contact her, she couldn't contact me.
Then we went our separate ways.
Not until about a year later I knew how to use Internet. Yes, chatting.
Then I found her again.
But things weren't the same anymore.
I can't say anything to her now.
And I could sense she couldn't say anything much to me either.
Other love problems have changed myself.
But,
Until last year, I could see she still kept her feeling for me.
We didn't have a chance to fulfil it.
I was already in love with someone then, someone who eventually turned out to be my soulmate.
So in a way I was glad we didn't go out. It might only disappoint her.
And now, at this moment.
She's found her significant other.
I've found my soulmate, who is also with her significant other.
I hope Patricia Nadya, the first person to show me love, will always be happy in the future xD
I wanna express my deepest gratitude to God for her.
And hopefully my torture will end soon. Haha.
Anyway, that was just something I recalled in my mind.
My first love journey was funny, exciting, painful, but yes, beautiful through its 7 years.
My current one, although it's been only 2 years, is not any less torturous.
I can only hope for the happiest ending of my life here, after this painful journey.
Till then, all I can do is wait, and wait, and wait.
Oh, waiting never seems so full of torture before in my life. Haha.
I've never loved someone more than my first, except my soulmate, who hopefully will be my last =)
These 2 years with her was not a smooth journey.
And when I thought this was a long road,
I remembered my first love.
A 7 years of 'adventure'. Haha.
It was on year 1999.
Primary 2, first day.
I already made a name for myself as the noisiest guy in class, a title I manage to hold until today, regardless where I am living at xD
And the form teacher made a decision, to sit me to next a girl.
Not just a girl, but the QUIETEST in class.
Well, it didn't bother me at first.
I kept talking during lessons.
But many times, she shushed me.
And then something moved inside me.
I felt different.
Normally I talk to guys and girls indifferently. Both are same.
And the night I started feeling different. I started to think about her.
I was so young, so childish.
Yet what I thought was love.
And there it goes.
The next day I didn't know what went into my mind.
I started making simple letters with 'I Love You'.
Then sending it to her.
I remembered on a day I even learnt to make a simple flower using origami technique.
Professing my love to her in public, I couldn't care less.
In fact, I didn't think of the consequences.
For the subsequent years till Primary 6,
Basically the whole school knows about my feelings for her.
Yes, ALL of the school, even teachers and janitors.
What a scandal I made for myself.
Even to my Kumon centre, everyone who hung around with me, and the teachers knew.
I remembered once, suddenly her little brother came up to me, asking me "Kevin brother, you really like my sister?"
IN FRONT OF THE EYES OF SO MANY TEACHERS.
Hahahaha that was very comical, now that I think about it.
Anyway she never responded to my feelings for 4 years until we graduated from that primary school.
And even though I liked other girls in between the years, my heart kept coming back to her.
I even got another girlfriend between those years.
Another scandal I made. That girlfriend was the tallest girl in class, so she was taller than me. And me? The shortest guy in class.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Surprisingly though, I started to see this first love of mine more often in the church, especially since I started to join the altar boys group.
She was a senior in that year.
We didn't talk much.
Eye contacts were all that were.
Then everything started to change.
I didn't remember how we started to text each other more often day by day.
That was during first year of Secondary.
Although we went to separate schools,
we lived around the same neighbourhood,
And we went to same church.
Oh yeah, same Kumon centre too.
Once I sat beside her during the lessons.
And that was when my heart felt love for first time. Haha.
I could see her smiling from the corner of my eye too.
And then next year,
Secondary 2.
The peak of our relationship.
We became really close, although people couldn't see it till me or her told them.
We texted every night.
And one day, around 1am, I asked her out.
And yes, she accepted.
However, the next morning, she said she couldn't do this. Her parents would get furious if they knew.
So alright, then. Haha.
Surprisingly, she still talked very sweetly towards me.
Even better than before I asked her out.
And then that was valentine.
She offered me to exchange chocolate.
So I went to buy the best chocolate I could find, secretly of course.
And when we met [SECRETLY, haha.], I was again surprised that she gave me a pink chocolate, with the words I Love You carved in the centre.
When she gave it to me, she smiled and said "Sorry if it doesn't look too good. This is the best I could make."
SHE MADE IT HERSELF. OMG xDDD
For the first time I felt loved. Haha.
Beautiful things continued to happen between us that year. We became close as couple, although not officially-said between us =P
But things took a twist of fate.
I moved to study in Singapore on beginning of 2006.
I could see her sadness in her words she sent to me via text message.
We continued to talk till 14th February 2006. Yes, Valentine's Day.
She still said she loved me, but wouldn't mind if I had found another one here in Singapore. Of course I could sense that she wasn't at all happy.
And then,
My Dad noticed the expensive handphone bill I used.
And demanded me at once not to text message internationally again.
So that was it.
My first love catastrophe of my life.
We stopped contact.
I couldn't contact her, she couldn't contact me.
Then we went our separate ways.
Not until about a year later I knew how to use Internet. Yes, chatting.
Then I found her again.
But things weren't the same anymore.
I can't say anything to her now.
And I could sense she couldn't say anything much to me either.
Other love problems have changed myself.
But,
Until last year, I could see she still kept her feeling for me.
We didn't have a chance to fulfil it.
I was already in love with someone then, someone who eventually turned out to be my soulmate.
So in a way I was glad we didn't go out. It might only disappoint her.
And now, at this moment.
She's found her significant other.
I've found my soulmate, who is also with her significant other.
I hope Patricia Nadya, the first person to show me love, will always be happy in the future xD
I wanna express my deepest gratitude to God for her.
And hopefully my torture will end soon. Haha.
Anyway, that was just something I recalled in my mind.
My first love journey was funny, exciting, painful, but yes, beautiful through its 7 years.
My current one, although it's been only 2 years, is not any less torturous.
I can only hope for the happiest ending of my life here, after this painful journey.
Till then, all I can do is wait, and wait, and wait.
Oh, waiting never seems so full of torture before in my life. Haha.
I've never loved someone more than my first, except my soulmate, who hopefully will be my last =)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
To feel something I should not be.
DAMN! I'm just gonna say this straight.
Ok, I'll admit it. I get jealous too easily.
For what? No need to say anymore. I bet you know, bloggie.
!@#$%^&*
Why do I feel like scolding so many profanities here??????!!!!!!!!
How do I feel jealous so easily?
Wait, why do I feel so?
Wait wait, why SHOULD I feel so???
Am I even allowed to be jealous?????????????
I really hate this feeling.
I was feeling normal today.
WHY THE FUCK DO I THINK SO MUCH
It's appalling that one wall post to someone can TOTALLY GLOOM MY DAY.
Even basketball and [PROTOTYPE] fail to counter this effect now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF
I need to punch something, again, URGENTLY.
But I can't. I can't hurt my hand any further than this.
*sigh* FUCK. I hope my feeling doesn't show up from outside.
Ok, I'll admit it. I get jealous too easily.
For what? No need to say anymore. I bet you know, bloggie.
!@#$%^&*
Why do I feel like scolding so many profanities here??????!!!!!!!!
How do I feel jealous so easily?
Wait, why do I feel so?
Wait wait, why SHOULD I feel so???
Am I even allowed to be jealous?????????????
I really hate this feeling.
I was feeling normal today.
WHY THE FUCK DO I THINK SO MUCH
It's appalling that one wall post to someone can TOTALLY GLOOM MY DAY.
Even basketball and [PROTOTYPE] fail to counter this effect now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF
I need to punch something, again, URGENTLY.
But I can't. I can't hurt my hand any further than this.
*sigh* FUCK. I hope my feeling doesn't show up from outside.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
So long, bloggie.
Okay, I'm in Indo now.
Good holiday, I guess, except that there isn't much to do here.
Which leads my never-say-die brain to ponder over things much more frequently, and deeply.
This note I wrote at about 1:33am last night, was such example.
I believe I used to say that I'll let her go with her life and the guy, even if she's a soulmate.
This moment I just found out that I couldn't. Never.
She's far too valuable to be described with words, and too precious to let go.
Finding a soulmate is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
True, there may be other mates, but it's unlikely.
I want her to be the only piece of me, and me to be the only one of hers.
I wanna spend the rest of my life with someone destined for me.
After reading at one of my Beatty friend's expressive Facebook profile,
I realised how much pain he's going through after the break-up with a supposedly "girl closest ever to him".
I went through the same period of pain, only that I could hide it even better.
Nobody knows until I said it.
Not bad huh xD
Ok ahem back to topic.
I suddenly thought, what if what is happening to him could happen to me.
What if she walks away, leaving me stranded all by myself.
It's bad enough imagining all the pain I took in during the time we were avoiding each other,
Not to mention I will go through a much worse period if this thing really happens to me.
Ah what the hell.
I should know by now the chance to be with her is super slim.
Yet I refused to give up, thinking that I still have a chance.
My heart risked all of itself.
Risked to love totally, risked getting torn apart.
All for that slim chance.
I kept saying to myself that when the time comes, my effort will pay off.
But a part of me knew we'll never be together.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.
Never ever ever.
Unless she wants to work for it too.
Which again, will never happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever will.
Never ever ever will.
I myself dunno why I think about all these painful thoughts every night before I sleep, automatically.
Ah what the hell.
The battle of my emotions.
I can never understand what's your say about this.
Oh well, as if I'll ever ask either. I'm such a coward.
Always afraid to ask about how are you and him either.
Afraid of feeling hurt.
Afraid of the pain.
Suck.
Coward.
I should go to sleep.
Hopefully the excruciating thoughts can slow down in crunching my mental state.
But again, as if it will happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.
Good holiday, I guess, except that there isn't much to do here.
Which leads my never-say-die brain to ponder over things much more frequently, and deeply.
This note I wrote at about 1:33am last night, was such example.
I believe I used to say that I'll let her go with her life and the guy, even if she's a soulmate.
This moment I just found out that I couldn't. Never.
She's far too valuable to be described with words, and too precious to let go.
Finding a soulmate is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
True, there may be other mates, but it's unlikely.
I want her to be the only piece of me, and me to be the only one of hers.
I wanna spend the rest of my life with someone destined for me.
After reading at one of my Beatty friend's expressive Facebook profile,
I realised how much pain he's going through after the break-up with a supposedly "girl closest ever to him".
I went through the same period of pain, only that I could hide it even better.
Nobody knows until I said it.
Not bad huh xD
Ok ahem back to topic.
I suddenly thought, what if what is happening to him could happen to me.
What if she walks away, leaving me stranded all by myself.
It's bad enough imagining all the pain I took in during the time we were avoiding each other,
Not to mention I will go through a much worse period if this thing really happens to me.
Ah what the hell.
I should know by now the chance to be with her is super slim.
Yet I refused to give up, thinking that I still have a chance.
My heart risked all of itself.
Risked to love totally, risked getting torn apart.
All for that slim chance.
I kept saying to myself that when the time comes, my effort will pay off.
But a part of me knew we'll never be together.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.
Never ever ever.
Unless she wants to work for it too.
Which again, will never happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever will.
Never ever ever will.
I myself dunno why I think about all these painful thoughts every night before I sleep, automatically.
Ah what the hell.
The battle of my emotions.
I can never understand what's your say about this.
Oh well, as if I'll ever ask either. I'm such a coward.
Always afraid to ask about how are you and him either.
Afraid of feeling hurt.
Afraid of the pain.
Suck.
Coward.
I should go to sleep.
Hopefully the excruciating thoughts can slow down in crunching my mental state.
But again, as if it will happen.
Never.
Never.
Never ever.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The dwelling of the past, and the challenges on ahead.
In Indonesia now, my hometown.
After a brief 1 hour plus flight from Singapore yesterday.
As I was heading towards the airport in a taxi, we passed by a few roads and streets;
Places that hold memories of mine.
Bugis area
*Bugis Junction; The fun we brothers had. A place we used to frequent.
*Iluma; Alan, Halim, and me. Nothing to do. Went there when everybody else refused to join me after I asked.
*Along Victoria Street; Liaowei and me, walking along there. Blasting our hearts out. Talking abt life, and love.
*Finally, National Library; Mars, Alan, San, me were studying there. Not exactly studying though. Alan and me brought our laptops there. All the pleasures of making noises in the library, sitting on the floor.
Toa Payoh
I could only remember the day we all drank vodka, on the last day of O Level Exam.
I spotted her at Mr. Bean.
Walked along few shops and Toa Payoh Central street, to San's house.
12th storey, Sky Garden. That was where we had our drink.
Last but not least, a heavenly-happy moment in time with her.
Balestier
*BBQ at Archie's house, AVA Tower. Swimming, laughing away, like there's no worry at all.
*Balestier Student's Hostel. Her place-of-stay.
*Walking area between Balestier and Toa Payoh. Behind that hostel; where I sent her home for the first time.
*The canal behind her hostel. Again, a place where I was in a moment in time of happiness; Spending afternoon, talking away with her.
Changi Airport
The place where I first stepped onto Singapore for my journey of studying here.
What have happened, have happened.
These cannot be repeated for real. It can only be rewind, replayed in our virtual Memory Player, our brain and heart.
We can only relive those moments in there.
Instead, the future is what's gonna come.
Preparing for it is what I gotta do now.
Talking about Junior College,
I was thinking if I could enter Hwa Chong, I would.
But again, Mom suggested not to enroll in a school where supranatural brains are abound, I'll be a small fry, unnoticed.
If I am in a normal JC, like National, I'd be noticed more easily.
But it's not as if I can't excel in Hwa Chong, I have to try.
But it's not very likely...
But it's not as if your results can reach there. So many people get disappointed in their results even though they were very optimistic.
But..
But...
So many 'but's.
Urghhh...
My head's gonna explode.
Damn.
Ok, relax.
Enjoy the moment now.
I'll try to.
Meanwhile, another challenge arises.
A communication barrier between us now.
With my indo handphone number, I can't contact her vietnamese number. Can't send sms, can't receive one from her either.
I'll try to call tonight, see if it works. But I doubt it will -.-
What the hell man.
I can send to Indo number, I can do so to Singapore number too.
Why not hers.
It must be Destiny's test.
Testing on my ability to keep my feeling.
A test for us.
I don't wanna care anymore.
We can still keep in touch online.
If this is really a test,
It's up to Destiny and Fate if they wanna try bringing me down.
I'm not going down.
We'll [Or should it be "I'll"?] prove it.
After a brief 1 hour plus flight from Singapore yesterday.
As I was heading towards the airport in a taxi, we passed by a few roads and streets;
Places that hold memories of mine.
Bugis area
*Bugis Junction; The fun we brothers had. A place we used to frequent.
*Iluma; Alan, Halim, and me. Nothing to do. Went there when everybody else refused to join me after I asked.
*Along Victoria Street; Liaowei and me, walking along there. Blasting our hearts out. Talking abt life, and love.
*Finally, National Library; Mars, Alan, San, me were studying there. Not exactly studying though. Alan and me brought our laptops there. All the pleasures of making noises in the library, sitting on the floor.
Toa Payoh
I could only remember the day we all drank vodka, on the last day of O Level Exam.
I spotted her at Mr. Bean.
Walked along few shops and Toa Payoh Central street, to San's house.
12th storey, Sky Garden. That was where we had our drink.
Last but not least, a heavenly-happy moment in time with her.
Balestier
*BBQ at Archie's house, AVA Tower. Swimming, laughing away, like there's no worry at all.
*Balestier Student's Hostel. Her place-of-stay.
*Walking area between Balestier and Toa Payoh. Behind that hostel; where I sent her home for the first time.
*The canal behind her hostel. Again, a place where I was in a moment in time of happiness; Spending afternoon, talking away with her.
Changi Airport
The place where I first stepped onto Singapore for my journey of studying here.
What have happened, have happened.
These cannot be repeated for real. It can only be rewind, replayed in our virtual Memory Player, our brain and heart.
We can only relive those moments in there.
Instead, the future is what's gonna come.
Preparing for it is what I gotta do now.
Talking about Junior College,
I was thinking if I could enter Hwa Chong, I would.
But again, Mom suggested not to enroll in a school where supranatural brains are abound, I'll be a small fry, unnoticed.
If I am in a normal JC, like National, I'd be noticed more easily.
But it's not as if I can't excel in Hwa Chong, I have to try.
But it's not very likely...
But it's not as if your results can reach there. So many people get disappointed in their results even though they were very optimistic.
But..
But...
So many 'but's.
Urghhh...
My head's gonna explode.
Damn.
Ok, relax.
Enjoy the moment now.
I'll try to.
Meanwhile, another challenge arises.
A communication barrier between us now.
With my indo handphone number, I can't contact her vietnamese number. Can't send sms, can't receive one from her either.
I'll try to call tonight, see if it works. But I doubt it will -.-
What the hell man.
I can send to Indo number, I can do so to Singapore number too.
Why not hers.
It must be Destiny's test.
Testing on my ability to keep my feeling.
A test for us.
I don't wanna care anymore.
We can still keep in touch online.
If this is really a test,
It's up to Destiny and Fate if they wanna try bringing me down.
I'm not going down.
We'll [Or should it be "I'll"?] prove it.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Something I don't know, and the one I know.
Yesterday you told me you had a sudden relapse in your mood.
We were webcam-ing then, you were laughing non-stop happily.
And few minutes later you cried.
I thought you could feel better after crying, but even you said you didn't know what happened to yourself either.
I realised then that you had so much thoughts, feelings within you.
So much that you can't even make sense of all of them.
You even say you don't even know the meaning of 'letting out your feeling'.
When all along I thought you found your 'breathing space' within me.
I don't know how you will get better by going out tonight. I just hope you will.
I don't know how to make you feel better either.
But I know for sure,
That my mood for today would be as foul as a dead body.
'Cause I feel so useless,
and strangely, helpless.
We were webcam-ing then, you were laughing non-stop happily.
And few minutes later you cried.
I thought you could feel better after crying, but even you said you didn't know what happened to yourself either.
I realised then that you had so much thoughts, feelings within you.
So much that you can't even make sense of all of them.
You even say you don't even know the meaning of 'letting out your feeling'.
When all along I thought you found your 'breathing space' within me.
I don't know how you will get better by going out tonight. I just hope you will.
I don't know how to make you feel better either.
But I know for sure,
That my mood for today would be as foul as a dead body.
'Cause I feel so useless,
and strangely, helpless.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I'm sorry. But again, I think it's not enough.
Last night was one of the most regretful nights.
Here's a note I wrote on my phone.
23/11/09, 2:39am
I am so stupid...
Have I no brain??? No feeling???
I don't even fit to claim that I love you.
I have known for a while about what she thinks everytime I am with other girls...
Jealous, hurt, that's what she is always thinking...
Yes, I know this already.
For so long already...
Yet why do I still do it sometimes,
Doesn't matter intentionally or not.
Few things are on my mind about this...
Firstly, it was unintentional, and misunderstanding.
Sometimes I hang out with girls, for study. Or when they wanna clarify some things...
This one is easy to solve...
Just tell her the truth, and hopefully she understands..
Well she always does in this case...
2nd case.
I really go out with a girl friend, just because I have nothing to do.
Or hang out with my housemates and their girl friends.
Because i feel I have nothing to do.,
Or because I can't talk to her at that moment, and desperately need something to distract myself from the emptiness I am feeling at the moment...
This one, like today, was a bit harder for her to accept...
Just now she wasn't online, and I was waiting for her [unconsciously]. Suddenly Lisa came to my room, wanting to borrow my external harddisk again for the movies.
So I gave it. But she invited me to join...
"maybe I should join also. Nothing to do in my room anyway. She won't be online."
That's what I was thinking.
But upon entering her room, I saw Stefanie.
"Oh, great. This could get more fun!" was my next thought.
Then I found out from them there was another one.
"Who could that be?"
Candice then entered the room.
I don't know her that well but oh nevermind.
But again,
"So many girls?? Oh damn. Wanna go out of here, but it feels very weird if I do. Might as well I stay. They don't mind, I don't too."
Then my heart skipped a beat. It thundered "Huyen minds."
Then unconsciously my mind replied "She's not online. You go back now oso you don't talk to her. Stay here lah. Remember yesterday? You waited till 1am plus, she didn't came at all?"
My heart went silent for a while,
But it keeps interrupting in the middle with whispering questions "What if she's online now?"
Again, my mind instinctively replied every time with "can't be lah. She always had a fun day. She'll be tired by now and gone to sleep already."
Typically of my heart, it never gave up.
After the movie was over, I tried not to appear too rushed to go back to my room.
But I was really rushing, I even forgot to take back my harddrive.
And there she was, online...
Of course I was surprised she had not slept yet, so I asked.
"Haven't. Just now wanted to call you but you were idle." was her reply.
And my whole self crashed like September 11.
She had been waiting.
And where I was? Having fun with other girls.
Of course I couldn't lie, and I told her the truth.
She was surprised.
And yes, upset afterwards.
Not even after I apologised many times she felt better.
Oh man I just wanted to hurt myself for this. I'm so disappointed with myself.
I should have let my heart won this time....
Anyway, 3rd reason,
And the most dangerous one.
Came from the dark side of me.
[I think it shouldnt even be written here, but since this is where I pour out everything, I'll just do it, okay?]
"I want to make her jealous, intentionally.
Never imagine how much I feel so hurt everytime you mention 'Boyfriend' and everytime you go out with him. While I'm home alone, crying silently every weekend, waiting for your call.
And when I'm with only FRIENDS, you feel hurt? Are you kidding me?
You always say you feel unhappy seeing me with other girls,
But hey dear, have you ever thought about how I feel everytime you mention that painful word to me and what you do with him?
Even if you can feel my pain, you still do it, many times.
So many until it feels like you purposely do it.
How can you say unhappy at me in this case, when you always torture me slowly from inside out everytime you're with him?
Not only when you're with him actually.
You strike a scar on my heart all the time.
I never think of other girls.
Only you.
Yet you think of him all the time.
If you say you're unhappy because of this, I'll be awarded with Most Emo Person In The World Award.
Just think about it, my dear."
Argh!!!!! NOOOO!!!
NO NO NO NO!!!!
Goodness, I can't believe I said all that.
No, that's my darkness self.
It's in my control.
I won't let it show up :)
What he says, let's not bother okay :)
From now on, this is what I promise to you, soulmate [Even though I know you won't read this].
Whoever I'm with, it's you who's on my mind.
Other girls, they're just FRIENDS.
I mean it, always.
But still, I know you can't help feeling hurt.
So I'll promise I won't hang out with other girls unless I really have to see them okay?
I know what you'll say. You have no control over me.
But I do. That's why I'm controlling myself.
In order to prove how I feel towards you, how much you mean to me,
This is all nothing.
About you and him, sorry for feeling all that.
I know that from the start.
Yet I still chose to love you.
This is inevitable.
But then again,
'A light of hope at the end is what I need to keep me going, even if the path I'm taking will be torturous.'
I'm not giving you up, no matter how much pain it's gonna inflict me :)
Anyway I'll just hope that what my dark side said wasn't true at all.
'Cause it sounded truthfully, painfully true.
Here's a note I wrote on my phone.
23/11/09, 2:39am
I am so stupid...
Have I no brain??? No feeling???
I don't even fit to claim that I love you.
I have known for a while about what she thinks everytime I am with other girls...
Jealous, hurt, that's what she is always thinking...
Yes, I know this already.
For so long already...
Yet why do I still do it sometimes,
Doesn't matter intentionally or not.
Few things are on my mind about this...
Firstly, it was unintentional, and misunderstanding.
Sometimes I hang out with girls, for study. Or when they wanna clarify some things...
This one is easy to solve...
Just tell her the truth, and hopefully she understands..
Well she always does in this case...
2nd case.
I really go out with a girl friend, just because I have nothing to do.
Or hang out with my housemates and their girl friends.
Because i feel I have nothing to do.,
Or because I can't talk to her at that moment, and desperately need something to distract myself from the emptiness I am feeling at the moment...
This one, like today, was a bit harder for her to accept...
Just now she wasn't online, and I was waiting for her [unconsciously]. Suddenly Lisa came to my room, wanting to borrow my external harddisk again for the movies.
So I gave it. But she invited me to join...
"maybe I should join also. Nothing to do in my room anyway. She won't be online."
That's what I was thinking.
But upon entering her room, I saw Stefanie.
"Oh, great. This could get more fun!" was my next thought.
Then I found out from them there was another one.
"Who could that be?"
Candice then entered the room.
I don't know her that well but oh nevermind.
But again,
"So many girls?? Oh damn. Wanna go out of here, but it feels very weird if I do. Might as well I stay. They don't mind, I don't too."
Then my heart skipped a beat. It thundered "Huyen minds."
Then unconsciously my mind replied "She's not online. You go back now oso you don't talk to her. Stay here lah. Remember yesterday? You waited till 1am plus, she didn't came at all?"
My heart went silent for a while,
But it keeps interrupting in the middle with whispering questions "What if she's online now?"
Again, my mind instinctively replied every time with "can't be lah. She always had a fun day. She'll be tired by now and gone to sleep already."
Typically of my heart, it never gave up.
After the movie was over, I tried not to appear too rushed to go back to my room.
But I was really rushing, I even forgot to take back my harddrive.
And there she was, online...
Of course I was surprised she had not slept yet, so I asked.
"Haven't. Just now wanted to call you but you were idle." was her reply.
And my whole self crashed like September 11.
She had been waiting.
And where I was? Having fun with other girls.
Of course I couldn't lie, and I told her the truth.
She was surprised.
And yes, upset afterwards.
Not even after I apologised many times she felt better.
Oh man I just wanted to hurt myself for this. I'm so disappointed with myself.
I should have let my heart won this time....
Anyway, 3rd reason,
And the most dangerous one.
Came from the dark side of me.
[I think it shouldnt even be written here, but since this is where I pour out everything, I'll just do it, okay?]
"I want to make her jealous, intentionally.
Never imagine how much I feel so hurt everytime you mention 'Boyfriend' and everytime you go out with him. While I'm home alone, crying silently every weekend, waiting for your call.
And when I'm with only FRIENDS, you feel hurt? Are you kidding me?
You always say you feel unhappy seeing me with other girls,
But hey dear, have you ever thought about how I feel everytime you mention that painful word to me and what you do with him?
Even if you can feel my pain, you still do it, many times.
So many until it feels like you purposely do it.
How can you say unhappy at me in this case, when you always torture me slowly from inside out everytime you're with him?
Not only when you're with him actually.
You strike a scar on my heart all the time.
I never think of other girls.
Only you.
Yet you think of him all the time.
If you say you're unhappy because of this, I'll be awarded with Most Emo Person In The World Award.
Just think about it, my dear."
Argh!!!!! NOOOO!!!
NO NO NO NO!!!!
Goodness, I can't believe I said all that.
No, that's my darkness self.
It's in my control.
I won't let it show up :)
What he says, let's not bother okay :)
From now on, this is what I promise to you, soulmate [Even though I know you won't read this].
Whoever I'm with, it's you who's on my mind.
Other girls, they're just FRIENDS.
I mean it, always.
But still, I know you can't help feeling hurt.
So I'll promise I won't hang out with other girls unless I really have to see them okay?
I know what you'll say. You have no control over me.
But I do. That's why I'm controlling myself.
In order to prove how I feel towards you, how much you mean to me,
This is all nothing.
About you and him, sorry for feeling all that.
I know that from the start.
Yet I still chose to love you.
This is inevitable.
But then again,
'A light of hope at the end is what I need to keep me going, even if the path I'm taking will be torturous.'
I'm not giving you up, no matter how much pain it's gonna inflict me :)
Anyway I'll just hope that what my dark side said wasn't true at all.
'Cause it sounded truthfully, painfully true.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Counting the days, passing by...
It's 21st of November 2009
8 days after the end of my biggest academic battle so far, O Level Exam.
8 days after we drank vodka.
5 days after the chalet.
4 days after she went back to her hometown.
6 days to me flying back to Jakarta.
Well, what can I say?
In terms of a week, a lot of things could happen.
Me getting much closer with her
Liaowei getting much closer to Yongyi.
The strengthened brotherhood.
Yet, we cant predict what's gonna happen within a few days.
Liaowei should be arriving at Shanghai anytime soon now.
Few days ago Yy and him were just on a date almost everyday.
The next 2 months, he's gonna try to keep in contact, so as not to let the feeling fade away.
As for me,
Days passed by just like that, very quickly now.
Before Tuesday, everything seemed so enjoyable, so slow.
It was even on the brink of stopping.
Now, 4 days have gone by since then.
So far, we could still keep in contact.
Just that sometimes, she was in need to entertain her friends or relatives who visited her house.
Sometimes even she went out.
And that yeah, hindered our communication.
But I guess,
There's no need to that.
As long as both are in contact [Well we do now, at least once a day]
Some things are no need to be said. We both know already.
Looking at the past photos,
I could always relive my feeling.
Closing my eyes at every night,
I could always let myself be filled with the warmth of the evenings I spent with her.
And by the time I open my eyes again,
I can always know, and feel that she's still the one.
And this is what I'll always do.
There should be a point of contact everyday, at least once.
If ever one of us , or both, cant make it online.
Then I'll send her an email, describing about thing I might say at that moment.
Doesnt matter if she will read, or even reply.
At least I make my effort, to keep everything together, not fall into pieces or dissipate into thin air.
And I believe, efforts will pay off.
Liaowei said: Surely can, just believe.
Mars said: Keep trying, man.
And I said: So close, why give up now? When I feel like giving up, I gotta remember why I've held on for so long.
We are on our goals now.
Different goals, One attitude.
I'm never gonna give up.
I'm not giving up on you.
Even as you clearly stated your doubts today,
About me getting closer to others,
I'll let time and myself prove that what you doubt, what you think will happen, is all not true.
I'll show you that we're the one.
8 days after the end of my biggest academic battle so far, O Level Exam.
8 days after we drank vodka.
5 days after the chalet.
4 days after she went back to her hometown.
6 days to me flying back to Jakarta.
Well, what can I say?
In terms of a week, a lot of things could happen.
Me getting much closer with her
Liaowei getting much closer to Yongyi.
The strengthened brotherhood.
Yet, we cant predict what's gonna happen within a few days.
Liaowei should be arriving at Shanghai anytime soon now.
Few days ago Yy and him were just on a date almost everyday.
The next 2 months, he's gonna try to keep in contact, so as not to let the feeling fade away.
As for me,
Days passed by just like that, very quickly now.
Before Tuesday, everything seemed so enjoyable, so slow.
It was even on the brink of stopping.
Now, 4 days have gone by since then.
So far, we could still keep in contact.
Just that sometimes, she was in need to entertain her friends or relatives who visited her house.
Sometimes even she went out.
And that yeah, hindered our communication.
But I guess,
There's no need to that.
As long as both are in contact [Well we do now, at least once a day]
Some things are no need to be said. We both know already.
Looking at the past photos,
I could always relive my feeling.
Closing my eyes at every night,
I could always let myself be filled with the warmth of the evenings I spent with her.
And by the time I open my eyes again,
I can always know, and feel that she's still the one.
And this is what I'll always do.
There should be a point of contact everyday, at least once.
If ever one of us , or both, cant make it online.
Then I'll send her an email, describing about thing I might say at that moment.
Doesnt matter if she will read, or even reply.
At least I make my effort, to keep everything together, not fall into pieces or dissipate into thin air.
And I believe, efforts will pay off.
Liaowei said: Surely can, just believe.
Mars said: Keep trying, man.
And I said: So close, why give up now? When I feel like giving up, I gotta remember why I've held on for so long.
We are on our goals now.
Different goals, One attitude.
I'm never gonna give up.
I'm not giving up on you.
Even as you clearly stated your doubts today,
About me getting closer to others,
I'll let time and myself prove that what you doubt, what you think will happen, is all not true.
I'll show you that we're the one.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Just a note I wrote yesterday....but today...is a different story afterall.
On 14/11/09, around after midnight, I wrote this note in my mobile phone, describing what we did on the 13/11/09 evening.
This was one of the best day of my life.
We brothers went out to drink alcoholic drinks.
Yongyi and Huyen joined us too.
Unexpectedly, Yongyi grew uncontrollable. She soon started to cry, a bit crazy, and swore a lot after half-cup of vodka.
But seriously, the 43% of alcohol in the vodka was a little bit too much, even for me. Beer has only 5%. I drunk slowly, but in the end I still felt restless.
This was when the best part came.
While Yy and Liaowei were talking somewhere else, Huyen and me were talking on our own. We stood very closely towards each other. We had a good talk, a good fun, and it was definitely very sweet.
Once or twice I lied on her shoulder, I was too tired due to the vodka.
She doesnt seem to mind though, and let me tell you the feeling was heavenly to me.
I know normally it's the girl who lies on the guy's shoulder, but maybe I'm a bit abnormal. Haha.
I've never lied my head on someone's shoulder before.
And I certainly have never been this close and personal to someone.
I can feel that we both becoming closer and closer day by day, which is quite good, to me :)
On the way to interchange, Yy was getting even worse.
Walked not straight and Liaowei had to hold her to keep her stable.
Haiz. We'll never bring her to a liquor session again.
We've learnt our lesson.
Meanwhile, when walking to interchange, She stood really close to me. Our hands even touched each others'.
Oh my, it was real happiness.
And she sometimes put her hand on my shoulder, or on my arm.
Near her home, before we parted ways, I gave her a hug.
Man, that was certainly one of the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life.
So this is how love between two person might have felt like.
Even hours after we went home,
I could still feel her hands massaging my shoulder,
I could feel her tiny hands on top of my shoulder,
I could still feel her shoulder when my head rested on it,
I could still feel the warmth of her hug.
And I certainly can feel how much I mean to her.
At that moment I wished time could just stop, so this happiness I feel will last forever.
But nothing lasts forever right,
Still, I'll try to last this for very, very long.
Cause now I too have realised how much she means to me in my life.
Well, that was it.
And yesterday night was our BBQ and chalet session.
All 4e1 boys were there and some girls, including her, was there too.
YY was the only girl staying behind overnight with us boys.
She didnt stay, I know,
But we maximised our chances when time still allowed.
Whenever she talked to me, I cant help but feeling happy all over and forget almost everything else. Well, almost.
So she went home about 8.30pm.
Quite early, but hey, it wasnt as if we both had a choice =)
She wasnt allowed to stay overnight.
But that was it, I thought. Just another separation.
However, under some influence of alcohol, I started to miss her, badly.
It was barely 2 hours after we last exchanged hugs, but her presence lingered on my mind and I wanted to see her already.
Sitting on the poolside with my bros and Yy, I couldnt help but thinking of her all the time, even verbally expressing what I desired for at that moment, that is, to be with her spending that beautiful and serene night.
We all knew that was not gonna happen, but even that didnt stop my negative self. My positive mindset lost all the battle, since my negative self was greatly helped by the emptiness my heart was feeling.
All of a sudden I was very afraid of this coming holiday.
I have always wanted a break, going back to my hometown. It's been one year since I last lied on my home.
This time, though, I'm afraid of the emotional burden I'm gonna bring back.
What do I mean here?
You see, even after only few hours of not seeing her,
My mind was in a total whirl.
I dont dare to imagine how bad this can be if I aint able to see her for bloody 2 months.
That's gonna bring me an unbearable pain, although might not be as much as how it did during the period when I was avoiding her.
I'll just hope that my positive side would win eventually.
I kept telling myself that it's a fact that we both know we can never forget each other during this period,
That we both will keep in contact,
And that we both will miss each other deeply.
But still,
I know she'll have much much fun during the whole holiday that she will hardly have time to sit down in front of her laptop chatting with me.
Unlike me, who'll be most probably playing basketball or relaxing at home all the time.
Afterall, she has a whole lot of friends and in my new place, I dont have any.
Ok, only one. But it's a girl. So don't expect much spending time with her either.
Anyway she wouldnt be happy if I do =)
And without communication, I can see what's gonna happen alr.
Gradually the feeling will just fade away.
And what has happened, will just go off to thin air.
And this is what's so scary. =.=
Oh, anyway, talking about separation.
I'm having a lot of doubts next year, after realising what might happen.
Talking to Liaowei made me realise this.
Afterall, he realised that Yy too, was scared that he might forget her next year, due to the difference in their studies, and well, maybe their world too.
Lw: Now I'm starting to doubt myself, whether or not I can still remember her after JC =.=
Me: Can what. As long as both want to keep in contact, will not forget.
Lw: The thing is I think she dont want....
Me: .......
Lw: she scared I forget her, after meeting better girls in JC.
Talking about this made me realise what She told me might really happen.
And I'm scared.
Although she doesnt say it directly, I know what she was concerned about.
She: Next time I go to library, then see you with ... ^^
Me: With who? Haha.
She: ...with one girl, study together. Very happy =)
Me: Yeah, one girl. Maybe from different JC what =) *looking deep into her eyes*
She: =P
It might not be too visible, but I know what was on her mind.
I'll meet what she calls 'better girls' in JC, and then forget her. And might not treat her like a soulmate should anymore.
I'll realise that my soulmate is not her.
And then I'll forget her.
And then I'll be a stranger.
But again and again I assured her on that day that for me, different JC doesnt matter. We can still make it happen.
That doesnt seem convincing to her.
If she has the right to be afraid, so do I, right?
She may meet another guy who's much better at comforting her and much more like a soulmate to her.
And then with the busy schedule, she doesnt come online often.
And then we'll never talk anymore, although I'm online as long as I'm home.
And then she'll forget me.
And then we'll become stranger.
That's not very pleasant to think about isnt it?
If that really happens to me,
I might as well lost my will to live.
People have their gut instinct,
And mine says that She's the one, the missing piece of my happiness.
And if she abandons me,
That should be it.
Possibly my real-self can never come out again.
Possibly I'll lose my pillar of support.
And surely, I'll never find a complete happiness in this life.
There'll still be other devastating consequences.
And it's better if I dont write it out,
Better still dont think of it.
People say the life in JC was going to be very hectic, so busy that you cant even have time for yourself.
I'm not intimidated by any of it.
At most, some of my leisure time will still be present.
And definitely, I'll have special amount of time allocated just for her.
But that's if she wants to make this happen too.
This is what I fear; not JC itself but what might happen between us during this period.
I'm never so afraid of the future before.
What if it comes to reality?
What if...
=)
P.S.
Jose said that my palm line, unlike others, have not much of them.
And so my fate is yet to be unwritten. I decide my own fate.
I hope this can help.
One thing I know for sure.
I'm not giving you up till my last ounce of mental strength.
This was one of the best day of my life.
We brothers went out to drink alcoholic drinks.
Yongyi and Huyen joined us too.
Unexpectedly, Yongyi grew uncontrollable. She soon started to cry, a bit crazy, and swore a lot after half-cup of vodka.
But seriously, the 43% of alcohol in the vodka was a little bit too much, even for me. Beer has only 5%. I drunk slowly, but in the end I still felt restless.
This was when the best part came.
While Yy and Liaowei were talking somewhere else, Huyen and me were talking on our own. We stood very closely towards each other. We had a good talk, a good fun, and it was definitely very sweet.
Once or twice I lied on her shoulder, I was too tired due to the vodka.
She doesnt seem to mind though, and let me tell you the feeling was heavenly to me.
I know normally it's the girl who lies on the guy's shoulder, but maybe I'm a bit abnormal. Haha.
I've never lied my head on someone's shoulder before.
And I certainly have never been this close and personal to someone.
I can feel that we both becoming closer and closer day by day, which is quite good, to me :)
On the way to interchange, Yy was getting even worse.
Walked not straight and Liaowei had to hold her to keep her stable.
Haiz. We'll never bring her to a liquor session again.
We've learnt our lesson.
Meanwhile, when walking to interchange, She stood really close to me. Our hands even touched each others'.
Oh my, it was real happiness.
And she sometimes put her hand on my shoulder, or on my arm.
Near her home, before we parted ways, I gave her a hug.
Man, that was certainly one of the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life.
So this is how love between two person might have felt like.
Even hours after we went home,
I could still feel her hands massaging my shoulder,
I could feel her tiny hands on top of my shoulder,
I could still feel her shoulder when my head rested on it,
I could still feel the warmth of her hug.
And I certainly can feel how much I mean to her.
At that moment I wished time could just stop, so this happiness I feel will last forever.
But nothing lasts forever right,
Still, I'll try to last this for very, very long.
Cause now I too have realised how much she means to me in my life.
Well, that was it.
And yesterday night was our BBQ and chalet session.
All 4e1 boys were there and some girls, including her, was there too.
YY was the only girl staying behind overnight with us boys.
She didnt stay, I know,
But we maximised our chances when time still allowed.
Whenever she talked to me, I cant help but feeling happy all over and forget almost everything else. Well, almost.
So she went home about 8.30pm.
Quite early, but hey, it wasnt as if we both had a choice =)
She wasnt allowed to stay overnight.
But that was it, I thought. Just another separation.
However, under some influence of alcohol, I started to miss her, badly.
It was barely 2 hours after we last exchanged hugs, but her presence lingered on my mind and I wanted to see her already.
Sitting on the poolside with my bros and Yy, I couldnt help but thinking of her all the time, even verbally expressing what I desired for at that moment, that is, to be with her spending that beautiful and serene night.
We all knew that was not gonna happen, but even that didnt stop my negative self. My positive mindset lost all the battle, since my negative self was greatly helped by the emptiness my heart was feeling.
All of a sudden I was very afraid of this coming holiday.
I have always wanted a break, going back to my hometown. It's been one year since I last lied on my home.
This time, though, I'm afraid of the emotional burden I'm gonna bring back.
What do I mean here?
You see, even after only few hours of not seeing her,
My mind was in a total whirl.
I dont dare to imagine how bad this can be if I aint able to see her for bloody 2 months.
That's gonna bring me an unbearable pain, although might not be as much as how it did during the period when I was avoiding her.
I'll just hope that my positive side would win eventually.
I kept telling myself that it's a fact that we both know we can never forget each other during this period,
That we both will keep in contact,
And that we both will miss each other deeply.
But still,
I know she'll have much much fun during the whole holiday that she will hardly have time to sit down in front of her laptop chatting with me.
Unlike me, who'll be most probably playing basketball or relaxing at home all the time.
Afterall, she has a whole lot of friends and in my new place, I dont have any.
Ok, only one. But it's a girl. So don't expect much spending time with her either.
Anyway she wouldnt be happy if I do =)
And without communication, I can see what's gonna happen alr.
Gradually the feeling will just fade away.
And what has happened, will just go off to thin air.
And this is what's so scary. =.=
Oh, anyway, talking about separation.
I'm having a lot of doubts next year, after realising what might happen.
Talking to Liaowei made me realise this.
Afterall, he realised that Yy too, was scared that he might forget her next year, due to the difference in their studies, and well, maybe their world too.
Lw: Now I'm starting to doubt myself, whether or not I can still remember her after JC =.=
Me: Can what. As long as both want to keep in contact, will not forget.
Lw: The thing is I think she dont want....
Me: .......
Lw: she scared I forget her, after meeting better girls in JC.
Talking about this made me realise what She told me might really happen.
And I'm scared.
Although she doesnt say it directly, I know what she was concerned about.
She: Next time I go to library, then see you with ... ^^
Me: With who? Haha.
She: ...with one girl, study together. Very happy =)
Me: Yeah, one girl. Maybe from different JC what =) *looking deep into her eyes*
She: =P
It might not be too visible, but I know what was on her mind.
I'll meet what she calls 'better girls' in JC, and then forget her. And might not treat her like a soulmate should anymore.
I'll realise that my soulmate is not her.
And then I'll forget her.
And then I'll be a stranger.
But again and again I assured her on that day that for me, different JC doesnt matter. We can still make it happen.
That doesnt seem convincing to her.
If she has the right to be afraid, so do I, right?
She may meet another guy who's much better at comforting her and much more like a soulmate to her.
And then with the busy schedule, she doesnt come online often.
And then we'll never talk anymore, although I'm online as long as I'm home.
And then she'll forget me.
And then we'll become stranger.
That's not very pleasant to think about isnt it?
If that really happens to me,
I might as well lost my will to live.
People have their gut instinct,
And mine says that She's the one, the missing piece of my happiness.
And if she abandons me,
That should be it.
Possibly my real-self can never come out again.
Possibly I'll lose my pillar of support.
And surely, I'll never find a complete happiness in this life.
There'll still be other devastating consequences.
And it's better if I dont write it out,
Better still dont think of it.
People say the life in JC was going to be very hectic, so busy that you cant even have time for yourself.
I'm not intimidated by any of it.
At most, some of my leisure time will still be present.
And definitely, I'll have special amount of time allocated just for her.
But that's if she wants to make this happen too.
This is what I fear; not JC itself but what might happen between us during this period.
I'm never so afraid of the future before.
What if it comes to reality?
What if...
=)
P.S.
Jose said that my palm line, unlike others, have not much of them.
And so my fate is yet to be unwritten. I decide my own fate.
I hope this can help.
One thing I know for sure.
I'm not giving you up till my last ounce of mental strength.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Soulmate?
31 October 2009, 2.15am
Some people may say that I'm too young for this.
Some people may tell me that it's not the right time yet to think of this thing. O Level Exam is still around.
Some may even say I'm being blinded my own feelings, aka INFATUATED.
But later on this day I found out another thing,
"You may even find your soulmate at 8 or 80 years old. It's unexpected."
Yea, life is unexpected indeed.
How would i expect someone I've been dying for, someone I've put before myself but ended creating a hole in my chest, someone I thought was another person who only tricked me for the subsequent times, turned out to be my soulmate?
It's not confirmed that what I feel about this soulmate thing is true, but I finally found out that our feeling is somehow [not TOTALLY, though] mutual.
What I felt:
From Liaowei: "She may be attached with a boyfriend, but you are like the soulmate. Boyfriend and soulmate are two different thing."
What she said:
"..I told my friend about how i felt about you, she said like soulmate like that ^^.."
So, isn't it?
And I've actually learnt something new, and I'm glad about this.
I yearn not for being in a relationship, but just for someone who can understand me as much as I could about her, and someone who reciprocates my feeling.
Not like some [AHEM =P, sorry Mars, I could only think about u] who wants a relationship quite badly.
But that's actually the point where I learnt.
In the end a relationship is not what a human wants. Love is.
When and where he will discover it, let fate decides. =D
Anyway, I realise that I may not end up spending my life with my soulmate. In fact, she is planning to spend hers with her guy now.
Hehe guess I'd be moving on too.
But one thing I can see changing in my life.
I used to believe I can only love and devote to one person.
Now I know that no matter how much I say I'll love my next girl, I know that she would have occupied the most colourful parts of my heart.
Because after all, my life's true happiness lies with my soulmate.
Although soulmates may not be one,
But as the saying goes "the first one creates the most impact"
Right? =D
Some people may say that I'm too young for this.
Some people may tell me that it's not the right time yet to think of this thing. O Level Exam is still around.
Some may even say I'm being blinded my own feelings, aka INFATUATED.
But later on this day I found out another thing,
"You may even find your soulmate at 8 or 80 years old. It's unexpected."
Yea, life is unexpected indeed.
How would i expect someone I've been dying for, someone I've put before myself but ended creating a hole in my chest, someone I thought was another person who only tricked me for the subsequent times, turned out to be my soulmate?
It's not confirmed that what I feel about this soulmate thing is true, but I finally found out that our feeling is somehow [not TOTALLY, though] mutual.
What I felt:
From Liaowei: "She may be attached with a boyfriend, but you are like the soulmate. Boyfriend and soulmate are two different thing."
What she said:
"..I told my friend about how i felt about you, she said like soulmate like that ^^.."
So, isn't it?
And I've actually learnt something new, and I'm glad about this.
I yearn not for being in a relationship, but just for someone who can understand me as much as I could about her, and someone who reciprocates my feeling.
Not like some [AHEM =P, sorry Mars, I could only think about u] who wants a relationship quite badly.
But that's actually the point where I learnt.
In the end a relationship is not what a human wants. Love is.
When and where he will discover it, let fate decides. =D
Anyway, I realise that I may not end up spending my life with my soulmate. In fact, she is planning to spend hers with her guy now.
Hehe guess I'd be moving on too.
But one thing I can see changing in my life.
I used to believe I can only love and devote to one person.
Now I know that no matter how much I say I'll love my next girl, I know that she would have occupied the most colourful parts of my heart.
Because after all, my life's true happiness lies with my soulmate.
Although soulmates may not be one,
But as the saying goes "the first one creates the most impact"
Right? =D
Friday, October 30, 2009
l told myself time and again that it was all an illusion but...
"..lend me your shoulder :))"
"Be here with me for a while.."
"after two months of holiday u cant forget? Sure u can. I even think that u alr now :("
"..someone taught me not to worry of unnecessary things when u cant do anything abt it. U must get what i mean."
"hope u can get to sleep earlier today ^^ God bless you ^^ good night"
":( be okay soon ^^"
"i understand your situation the most okay.."
"..and now both of us lose smt that is more worthy than love :))"
"U love someone and that person doesnt return your LöVE is still much happier than u LöVE her and believe she loves u as well,"
"....Letting the feelings go for me is easy, but letting the memories will be terrifying ..."
"^^ i dont know how u feel but talking like this is very nice,"
I really could see some bloody illusions again.
I think I'm again disillussioned with my own feelings.
Deja Vu, as they say.
Anw,I've learnt something new.
"Watch your words, 'cause they can either mean the world to some people, or hell to some others."
In this case, your words are painfully pleasant to feel.
Some of what u said is quite true...
It may be true that loving someone who doesnt reciprocate ur feeling [san, for example] is better than loving someone when believing that she loves u back [me].
And, I wonder what is more important than love itself?
Cause my feeling of love currently cant be compared to other feelings I had. I'd do many things, if not everything, for my own love.
But again, this is all just my illusion, I know.
What I thought u feel was probably different from the real one.
ARGHHHHH
VIN! DON'T GET DISILLUSIONED AGAIN!
But I can't help it.
This is a feeling that I thought was gone forever.
Now that I got the chance to sip some of it again,
I don't think I'm gonna just let my so-called well of life slip away again.
It'll be gone sooner or later, I know.
But the heart of mine doesnt give a damn.
It wont let go of the thing it desires the most.
Please, my heart, let go.
I can't control u. Not even with the combined effort of my mind and myself.
You're too strong in this situation.
So I'm begging u now.
Please let go of this seemingly-everlasting feeling.
Although I know it's hard as hell, I'll promise we'll work towards it together...
"Be here with me for a while.."
"after two months of holiday u cant forget? Sure u can. I even think that u alr now :("
"..someone taught me not to worry of unnecessary things when u cant do anything abt it. U must get what i mean."
"hope u can get to sleep earlier today ^^ God bless you ^^ good night"
":( be okay soon ^^"
"i understand your situation the most okay.."
"..and now both of us lose smt that is more worthy than love :))"
"U love someone and that person doesnt return your LöVE is still much happier than u LöVE her and believe she loves u as well,"
"....Letting the feelings go for me is easy, but letting the memories will be terrifying ..."
"^^ i dont know how u feel but talking like this is very nice,"
I really could see some bloody illusions again.
I think I'm again disillussioned with my own feelings.
Deja Vu, as they say.
Anw,I've learnt something new.
"Watch your words, 'cause they can either mean the world to some people, or hell to some others."
In this case, your words are painfully pleasant to feel.
Some of what u said is quite true...
It may be true that loving someone who doesnt reciprocate ur feeling [san, for example] is better than loving someone when believing that she loves u back [me].
And, I wonder what is more important than love itself?
Cause my feeling of love currently cant be compared to other feelings I had. I'd do many things, if not everything, for my own love.
But again, this is all just my illusion, I know.
What I thought u feel was probably different from the real one.
ARGHHHHH
VIN! DON'T GET DISILLUSIONED AGAIN!
But I can't help it.
This is a feeling that I thought was gone forever.
Now that I got the chance to sip some of it again,
I don't think I'm gonna just let my so-called well of life slip away again.
It'll be gone sooner or later, I know.
But the heart of mine doesnt give a damn.
It wont let go of the thing it desires the most.
Please, my heart, let go.
I can't control u. Not even with the combined effort of my mind and myself.
You're too strong in this situation.
So I'm begging u now.
Please let go of this seemingly-everlasting feeling.
Although I know it's hard as hell, I'll promise we'll work towards it together...
Monday, October 19, 2009
I only wanna end this year with good things.
I don't wanna end this year in this way with u.
You're now so cold to me. You make me feel as if I'm a stranger to you, and that NOTHING has happened to us.
I don't really mind about the latter, but about the former part, I can't really take it.
I apologise for avoiding you for a while but, won't I have a chance to become even normal friends now?
I wanna end my year in 4e1 with everyone as at least my friend,
but you, you don't even give me a chance to start all over again as a classmate.
Whenever Itry to smile when talking to you, you give me a black face.
Whenever I use the slightest chance to strike a conversation, you show me an indifferent attitude.
But ironically, in sms you sound so friendly to me.
Why are you being so fake?
I'm being truthful here.
True, my wounds deep inside my chest have not healed yet, and I'm yet to finish closing up the invisible gaping hole between my ribs.
But I made a promise to myself that this thing shouldn't even happen to us. At the very least I have to let you go as a friend.
Once again let me reiterate, I don't wanna think of you as someone who cuts deep scars inside my heart and someone who tears apart the hole in my heart again after closing it.
Because all the things that have happened between us, all the feelings and emotions and pain I took in, actually came from within myself.
It was precisely because I took all the things you did to me [and maybe, for me] wrongly. I was mistaken.
I thought finally you were the right one for me, the person I've been waiting for to heal my weary heart. But I guess you have never thought that way about me. All you ever thought of me was just someone to confide in, in case there's nobody else for you to turn around [and ONLY when there REALLY is nobody else].
With all the 'signs' and 'green lights' you've showed me all along, I was again mistaken.
And I'm sorry. Truly.
I'm sorry for blaming you, even if it's just slightly or indirectly.
I'm sorry for showing how easily hurt I was.
I'm sorry for making you think that you've hurt me.
I'm sorry for hogging all useless spaces in your mind.
I'm sorry for adding to your already-mountainous stress.
I'm sorry for loving you in the first place.
And I'm sorry for existing in your life, although ironically stumbling upon you during my journey in life is currently the best thing that ever happened to me.
And even with all the things I've written here, words can't describe how sorry I am still.
I'll just wanna wish you all the best things for you in life. May Happiness and Fortune always bestow upon you.
And I guess I'll move on to my journey again. I thought this was my last stop, but maybe I gotta take another train to the next one. Hehe.
I'll wish you luck in your journey as well.
If destiny allows, may we cross our paths again some day.
*Argh, O level is 8 days more. And why I'm thinking this way?*
You're now so cold to me. You make me feel as if I'm a stranger to you, and that NOTHING has happened to us.
I don't really mind about the latter, but about the former part, I can't really take it.
I apologise for avoiding you for a while but, won't I have a chance to become even normal friends now?
I wanna end my year in 4e1 with everyone as at least my friend,
but you, you don't even give me a chance to start all over again as a classmate.
Whenever I
Whenever I use the slightest chance to strike a conversation, you show me an indifferent attitude.
But ironically, in sms you sound so friendly to me.
Why are you being so fake?
I'm being truthful here.
True, my wounds deep inside my chest have not healed yet, and I'm yet to finish closing up the invisible gaping hole between my ribs.
But I made a promise to myself that this thing shouldn't even happen to us. At the very least I have to let you go as a friend.
Once again let me reiterate, I don't wanna think of you as someone who cuts deep scars inside my heart and someone who tears apart the hole in my heart again after closing it.
Because all the things that have happened between us, all the feelings and emotions and pain I took in, actually came from within myself.
It was precisely because I took all the things you did to me [and maybe, for me] wrongly. I was mistaken.
I thought finally you were the right one for me, the person I've been waiting for to heal my weary heart. But I guess you have never thought that way about me. All you ever thought of me was just someone to confide in, in case there's nobody else for you to turn around [and ONLY when there REALLY is nobody else].
With all the 'signs' and 'green lights' you've showed me all along, I was again mistaken.
And I'm sorry. Truly.
I'm sorry for blaming you, even if it's just slightly or indirectly.
I'm sorry for showing how easily hurt I was.
I'm sorry for making you think that you've hurt me.
I'm sorry for hogging all useless spaces in your mind.
I'm sorry for adding to your already-mountainous stress.
I'm sorry for loving you in the first place.
And I'm sorry for existing in your life, although ironically stumbling upon you during my journey in life is currently the best thing that ever happened to me.
And even with all the things I've written here, words can't describe how sorry I am still.
I'll just wanna wish you all the best things for you in life. May Happiness and Fortune always bestow upon you.
And I guess I'll move on to my journey again. I thought this was my last stop, but maybe I gotta take another train to the next one. Hehe.
I'll wish you luck in your journey as well.
If destiny allows, may we cross our paths again some day.
*Argh, O level is 8 days more. And why I'm thinking this way?*
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Issues.
It feels that it's been long since I stopped by, bloggie. So I guess it's time to fill some things in, don't you think? xD
First thing first, prelim result.
Wasnt that bad.
English A2
HML B3 [miracles xD]
Combined Humanities B4
A math A1
E math A1
Biology B3 [fuck that]
Physics A1
Chemistry A1
So L1R5 is 7, from 10 minus 3 pts of HMT and CCA.
Dang, cant enter NJC. Argghhh....
Actually not bad. I studied and concentrated pretty good.
At least not because of thinking of her.
The feeling can at least be tamed now.
TAMED, not ERASED.
And it actually came back again.
I saw a note of her relationship anniversary. 2 years has it been for both of them.
And I thought it wasn't a big deal for me. "I've gotten over her anyway," I thought.
I was wrong.
It opened the patch on my left side of the chest, into a gaping hole once again.
I felt a sudden twinge of pain.
Just that, it wasn't sudden and brief. It lasted.
Lasted until days afterwards. Even now.
I was just so, so fortunate that I discovered it after Prelim exam.
But then again, another problem arises.
O level is coming.
And i'm yet to regain my study-mode.
I procrastinate as much as I want, not bothering about anything else except my laptop and Internet.
Which leads to another issue I'm having right now.
All these laziness I'm experiencing is maybe an aftermath of the re-opening of the virtual hole on my left chest.
I lost all the mood in almost everything, except for relaxing, and slacking.
Even for basketball. I almost lost the desire for the sport I love the most.
Only today, I couldn't fulfill it.
Just about I regained my feeling for it, THE RAIN CAME DOWN SHOWERING THE EARTH.
Damn it, the weather was perfect for outdoor activities before. Damn, DAMN!!!!
A saturday without basketball, just felt really, really weird for me.
Okay, ahem, so, coming back to the issue.
My old traumatising experience came back to haunt me again.
After the holiday, actually, the pain was covered up. And it didn't bother me unless I thought of it at night especially. But even then, I didn't even think much of it.
It certainly gave me an impression that it finally let me go, and I finally got over you.
But now, look at the state I'm in again.
I'm in for another bumpy ride.
The pain, the emptiness, the restlessness, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lost, the emotion, the feeling.
They're all back, stronger than ever before, ready to pummel me hard on the ground, preventing me from going further.
They're all ready to drag me down the Hell.
Why? What have I done to receive such treatments?
What have I accomplished that caused my own self to be in so much, so deep of trouble?
Girls, love, hatred, the fake-ness of everything, the competitiveness of humans.
It all makes me sick.
Wish i could get on soon. Haha.
Well, in fact, I'm never getting to next life now.
Since I won't move on anyway, why not fight those hordes, barbaric feelings who are trying so hard to pin me down?
It's a Now-Or-Never situation.
O-level Exam, big time, bloggie.
So yeah, rather than being subdued by these 'animals' ? Why don't I try to turn the tide?
Now it's not the matter of What or Why. It's a question of How.
Tuhan, Mother Nature, would Thou be so kind and generous to give me a fraction of your spiritual guidance?
But still, that's just LITTLE BIT.
The 99.9% of the work, still depends on me.
Let's roll.
First thing first, prelim result.
Wasnt that bad.
English A2
HML B3 [miracles xD]
Combined Humanities B4
A math A1
E math A1
Biology B3 [fuck that]
Physics A1
Chemistry A1
So L1R5 is 7, from 10 minus 3 pts of HMT and CCA.
Dang, cant enter NJC. Argghhh....
Actually not bad. I studied and concentrated pretty good.
At least not because of thinking of her.
The feeling can at least be tamed now.
TAMED, not ERASED.
And it actually came back again.
I saw a note of her relationship anniversary. 2 years has it been for both of them.
And I thought it wasn't a big deal for me. "I've gotten over her anyway," I thought.
I was wrong.
It opened the patch on my left side of the chest, into a gaping hole once again.
I felt a sudden twinge of pain.
Just that, it wasn't sudden and brief. It lasted.
Lasted until days afterwards. Even now.
I was just so, so fortunate that I discovered it after Prelim exam.
But then again, another problem arises.
O level is coming.
And i'm yet to regain my study-mode.
I procrastinate as much as I want, not bothering about anything else except my laptop and Internet.
Which leads to another issue I'm having right now.
All these laziness I'm experiencing is maybe an aftermath of the re-opening of the virtual hole on my left chest.
I lost all the mood in almost everything, except for relaxing, and slacking.
Even for basketball. I almost lost the desire for the sport I love the most.
Only today, I couldn't fulfill it.
Just about I regained my feeling for it, THE RAIN CAME DOWN SHOWERING THE EARTH.
Damn it, the weather was perfect for outdoor activities before. Damn, DAMN!!!!
A saturday without basketball, just felt really, really weird for me.
Okay, ahem, so, coming back to the issue.
My old traumatising experience came back to haunt me again.
After the holiday, actually, the pain was covered up. And it didn't bother me unless I thought of it at night especially. But even then, I didn't even think much of it.
It certainly gave me an impression that it finally let me go, and I finally got over you.
But now, look at the state I'm in again.
I'm in for another bumpy ride.
The pain, the emptiness, the restlessness, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lost, the emotion, the feeling.
They're all back, stronger than ever before, ready to pummel me hard on the ground, preventing me from going further.
They're all ready to drag me down the Hell.
Why? What have I done to receive such treatments?
What have I accomplished that caused my own self to be in so much, so deep of trouble?
Girls, love, hatred, the fake-ness of everything, the competitiveness of humans.
It all makes me sick.
Wish i could get on soon. Haha.
Well, in fact, I'm never getting to next life now.
Since I won't move on anyway, why not fight those hordes, barbaric feelings who are trying so hard to pin me down?
It's a Now-Or-Never situation.
O-level Exam, big time, bloggie.
So yeah, rather than being subdued by these 'animals' ? Why don't I try to turn the tide?
Now it's not the matter of What or Why. It's a question of How.
Tuhan, Mother Nature, would Thou be so kind and generous to give me a fraction of your spiritual guidance?
But still, that's just LITTLE BIT.
The 99.9% of the work, still depends on me.
Let's roll.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Nakama? Comrades? Friends?
You know what comes to my mind everytime I watch or read One Piece?
It's the strength of friendship in the people, especially in Strawhat Crew.
The way they keep their friendship for so long, and so strong never ceases to amaze me.
It always have me wishing to be a part of their friendship and brotherhood, or at least, have people who would stand by me as much as I would stand by them.
Well, not that I am really sure if I can stand up for my comrades for much, now.
But I can tell you that if I really found such 'nakama' in life, I'll protect them with my life, should theirs come in danger.
But then again, it's just anime. One Piece originated from a mind of someone right? The mangaka, Eichiro Oda.
So it's not as if all the bonds I encountered in the series were all in real life.
Afterall, it's just like a fairytale. They don't happen in reality.
Often, I am not good at many things. I just become a bystander for my pals.
I dont know if I have ever met people outside of my family who would care about me as much as I would care about them. But I certainly can't see that.
I mean, everyone I knew. I mean, everyone, already had their best friends.
They consider only ONE as best friend. Others, maybe much less than good friend.
I consider all my best 'nakama' equally. None are above the others. It's just that none reciprocated my feeling.
Even in love issue.
The feelings to me are all fake. As lasting as thin air, while mine had always been true and heart-wrenching to erase.
But who cares about love.
If I could have friends or comrades as faithful and fun as those in Strawhat Crew,
I wouldn't care for anything more, except maybe my family.
The rest of the world can rot in hell for all we care, but we gotta stick together and survive any ordeals on our adventure.
But hey, that's IF Strawhat Crew or comrades as faithful as them exist in real life.
Since it only happens in One Piece world,
that means it can never happen.
And so that means I can only dream of that.
Forever, on my own.
It's the strength of friendship in the people, especially in Strawhat Crew.
The way they keep their friendship for so long, and so strong never ceases to amaze me.
It always have me wishing to be a part of their friendship and brotherhood, or at least, have people who would stand by me as much as I would stand by them.
Well, not that I am really sure if I can stand up for my comrades for much, now.
But I can tell you that if I really found such 'nakama' in life, I'll protect them with my life, should theirs come in danger.
But then again, it's just anime. One Piece originated from a mind of someone right? The mangaka, Eichiro Oda.
So it's not as if all the bonds I encountered in the series were all in real life.
Afterall, it's just like a fairytale. They don't happen in reality.
Often, I am not good at many things. I just become a bystander for my pals.
I dont know if I have ever met people outside of my family who would care about me as much as I would care about them. But I certainly can't see that.
I mean, everyone I knew. I mean, everyone, already had their best friends.
They consider only ONE as best friend. Others, maybe much less than good friend.
I consider all my best 'nakama' equally. None are above the others. It's just that none reciprocated my feeling.
Even in love issue.
The feelings to me are all fake. As lasting as thin air, while mine had always been true and heart-wrenching to erase.
But who cares about love.
If I could have friends or comrades as faithful and fun as those in Strawhat Crew,
I wouldn't care for anything more, except maybe my family.
The rest of the world can rot in hell for all we care, but we gotta stick together and survive any ordeals on our adventure.
But hey, that's IF Strawhat Crew or comrades as faithful as them exist in real life.
Since it only happens in One Piece world,
that means it can never happen.
And so that means I can only dream of that.
Forever, on my own.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Influence from games.
Sometimes [no, OFTEN], I feel very disgusted at myself.
Because I keep running away from the facts.
And try to cover the bad ones with others.
Like I try to spend more time with other girls.
Not that I am a playboy or a damn flirt who would do this all day.
But unintentionally I do this to get over Huyen, who I want to at least put the thought on hiatus until end of exam.
For instance, these 2 days I spent my days studying with Danfeng and some group of friends.
I knew very well that I ain't interested in her for a few reasons.
1). Some personalities in us just can't go beyond friends.
2). Kinglam is my good friend, Zul as well. Both may still have feelings for her, though they say they're getting over it. But I'll still feel bad u see.
3). For sure she doesnt like me. That's very obvious in my eyes. hahaha.
Nevertheless, I still do like to spend time with her.
I thought I could forget about Huyen by doing this.
I can't.
I realise that no matter how I try, in the end I can't do it.
To think that this week I made an improvement, cause I nv have any contact at all, virtually or in real.
Yesterday, in school, Danfeng and I browsed through facebook. We had fun laughing at others' or my profile and making jokes.
But,
then we stumbled on her profile.
I saw a new photo added [actually have a lot of photos added, but only one have a significant impact on me].
It was a group photo of her, the boyfriend, and the group.
There was nothing wrong at all with the rest,
except that at the bottom there was her photo and him laughing happily, hugging each other.
Danfeng: Oops. Ok, scroll to next photo.
Me: Haha. what Oops.
[Oh, anw, Danfeng knew abt us. Though just little bit.Like those bitches who spread it around ==]
Thats what I call disgusting.
Hiding it all.
Actually I managed to hold it up,
Until that evening at home, I saw it again...
I just feel that I want Alex Mercer's power, to kill some people for real.
Damn bloody Prototype, cant let me have fun even once. Fucking lag on my comp.
Dunno why my laptop's so suck.
Not only that.
I want his power to hurt myself.
I dunno why.
Every time I saw they two, I felt I wanna stab my own body repeatedly.
Normal people's response should be wanting to either stab him or her right.
Haha.
Like this day,
there was one day, when the situation was still not as bad, was still between good and now,
huyen was like going to 145 bustop alone, to go home like usual.
then me, mars lw, san like saw her.
they three were like encouraging me to go send her home or something. or at least
just meet her before she goes home. just 2 of us.
i was reluctant at first,
but in the end i believed it was worth a try.
so yea i did and i saw her like standing in the staircase opposite red circle. so i was like a bit happy, preparing words to say or something.
i thought she was alone. but as i got nearer,
i notice she actually was facing the guy.
he was sitting on the stairs.
just tat it was blocked from the view when i was still far frm it.
so with shame and a grudging mix of anger and disappointment [oh, and a hope that she didnt see me], i turned back and went back to 3 of them,
expressing my exploding emotions.
As if that wasnt enough,
after we walked past Cheers[ the one at the interchange, not near old chang kee]
we saw them going out of the interchange towards the NTUC shop there.
i caught an eyelock each from her and that guy.
Mars, san, liao wei were like Oops.
and my face was black as rotten blood.
but luckily it didnt show up from outside
i'd have released a tendril barrage devastator in anger if i had mercer's power.
i am tired of being high for a moment and smacked on the ground for next 99 hours.
It happens all the time.
Shit.
Control yourself, vin. U gotta try, at least.
Because I keep running away from the facts.
And try to cover the bad ones with others.
Like I try to spend more time with other girls.
Not that I am a playboy or a damn flirt who would do this all day.
But unintentionally I do this to get over Huyen, who I want to at least put the thought on hiatus until end of exam.
For instance, these 2 days I spent my days studying with Danfeng and some group of friends.
I knew very well that I ain't interested in her for a few reasons.
1). Some personalities in us just can't go beyond friends.
2). Kinglam is my good friend, Zul as well. Both may still have feelings for her, though they say they're getting over it. But I'll still feel bad u see.
3). For sure she doesnt like me. That's very obvious in my eyes. hahaha.
Nevertheless, I still do like to spend time with her.
I thought I could forget about Huyen by doing this.
I can't.
I realise that no matter how I try, in the end I can't do it.
To think that this week I made an improvement, cause I nv have any contact at all, virtually or in real.
Yesterday, in school, Danfeng and I browsed through facebook. We had fun laughing at others' or my profile and making jokes.
But,
then we stumbled on her profile.
I saw a new photo added [actually have a lot of photos added, but only one have a significant impact on me].
It was a group photo of her, the boyfriend, and the group.
There was nothing wrong at all with the rest,
except that at the bottom there was her photo and him laughing happily, hugging each other.
Danfeng: Oops. Ok, scroll to next photo.
Me: Haha. what Oops.
[Oh, anw, Danfeng knew abt us. Though just little bit.Like those bitches who spread it around ==]
Thats what I call disgusting.
Hiding it all.
Actually I managed to hold it up,
Until that evening at home, I saw it again...
I just feel that I want Alex Mercer's power, to kill some people for real.
Damn bloody Prototype, cant let me have fun even once. Fucking lag on my comp.
Dunno why my laptop's so suck.
Not only that.
I want his power to hurt myself.
I dunno why.
Every time I saw they two, I felt I wanna stab my own body repeatedly.
Normal people's response should be wanting to either stab him or her right.
Haha.
Like this day,
there was one day, when the situation was still not as bad, was still between good and now,
huyen was like going to 145 bustop alone, to go home like usual.
then me, mars lw, san like saw her.
they three were like encouraging me to go send her home or something. or at least
just meet her before she goes home. just 2 of us.
i was reluctant at first,
but in the end i believed it was worth a try.
so yea i did and i saw her like standing in the staircase opposite red circle. so i was like a bit happy, preparing words to say or something.
i thought she was alone. but as i got nearer,
i notice she actually was facing the guy.
he was sitting on the stairs.
just tat it was blocked from the view when i was still far frm it.
so with shame and a grudging mix of anger and disappointment [oh, and a hope that she didnt see me], i turned back and went back to 3 of them,
expressing my exploding emotions.
As if that wasnt enough,
after we walked past Cheers[ the one at the interchange, not near old chang kee]
we saw them going out of the interchange towards the NTUC shop there.
i caught an eyelock each from her and that guy.
Mars, san, liao wei were like Oops.
and my face was black as rotten blood.
but luckily it didnt show up from outside
i'd have released a tendril barrage devastator in anger if i had mercer's power.
i am tired of being high for a moment and smacked on the ground for next 99 hours.
It happens all the time.
Shit.
Control yourself, vin. U gotta try, at least.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
If this is the way =.=
Sometimes I wonder if I express myself too much.
I mean, I just like to let things that bother me all out. It's not being me if I bottle up my feelings. It just feels uncomfortable.
Like today, my parents think I am stressed =.=
Cause I told my mom [yes, all-out], that my roommate has been disturbing my sleep with his early wake every day, especially holiday, when I could use some extra sleeping period.
My dad, apparently thought I was depressed because of this.
Then he told me what to do next, bla3x, even to the point of blaming me because I always sleep late and scolded me.
Intentional or not, it fed me up.
I know he was just concerned. But let me get this straight.
First thing first, I know what to do next [YOU! watch out]
Secondly, I was confused if what I said really sounded like depressed-mode.
Last but not least, I AM NOT STRESSED TO THE POINT THAT I'LL NEGLECT MY STUDY AND THEN FAIL MY O LEVEL.
Now, this had me thinking again.
Is the way I present myself can make people misunderstand me so easily? Even my parents, who supposedly and self-claimedly said they knew best could misunderstand me.
Oh yeah, after all [yes, I keep forgetting this], I need to master THE ART OF SHUTTING-THE-FUCK-UP.
Since most things I say irritate people around me.
Damn it, must I really give an indifferent attitude so that people can't misunderstand me? =.='
OK, this is just an additional post.
THIS GODDAMN POST IS NOT ORIGINAL ANYMORE. NOT WHAT I FEEL ANYMORE.
IT WAS 2ND VERSION.
THE FIRST FUCKING VERSION WAS SUDDENLY GONE WHEN I PRESS ENTER.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKINGLY SAVED AS DRAFT BUT THIS DAMN WEBSITE JUST HAD THIS GODDAMN PROBLEM.
U DAMN WEBSITE, NOW I CANT EXPRESS MY FEELINGS CORRECTLY.
CIBAI NGENTOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I GONNA GO SLEEP. UR PRESENCE MAKE ME IRRITATED. THERE GOES MY STUDY MOOD AND SPIRIT.
FIRST MY BLOODY ATTITUDE FROM MY ROOMMATE, THEN THIS FUCKINGLY-FUCKING WEBSITE.
I WONDER WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GONNA END.
Damn you. If not because of the archives of my forbidden feelings, I'd have annihilated you to the deepest part of Hell instead.
Bastard.
Anyway, you see. This is me. I express things in words. Then my mood-meter will return from bad to normal.
Wonder why people think I am goddamn stressed =='
I mean, I just like to let things that bother me all out. It's not being me if I bottle up my feelings. It just feels uncomfortable.
Like today, my parents think I am stressed =.=
Cause I told my mom [yes, all-out], that my roommate has been disturbing my sleep with his early wake every day, especially holiday, when I could use some extra sleeping period.
My dad, apparently thought I was depressed because of this.
Then he told me what to do next, bla3x, even to the point of blaming me because I always sleep late and scolded me.
Intentional or not, it fed me up.
I know he was just concerned. But let me get this straight.
First thing first, I know what to do next [YOU! watch out]
Secondly, I was confused if what I said really sounded like depressed-mode.
Last but not least, I AM NOT STRESSED TO THE POINT THAT I'LL NEGLECT MY STUDY AND THEN FAIL MY O LEVEL.
Now, this had me thinking again.
Is the way I present myself can make people misunderstand me so easily? Even my parents, who supposedly and self-claimedly said they knew best could misunderstand me.
Oh yeah, after all [yes, I keep forgetting this], I need to master THE ART OF SHUTTING-THE-FUCK-UP.
Since most things I say irritate people around me.
Damn it, must I really give an indifferent attitude so that people can't misunderstand me? =.='
OK, this is just an additional post.
THIS GODDAMN POST IS NOT ORIGINAL ANYMORE. NOT WHAT I FEEL ANYMORE.
IT WAS 2ND VERSION.
THE FIRST FUCKING VERSION WAS SUDDENLY GONE WHEN I PRESS ENTER.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKINGLY SAVED AS DRAFT BUT THIS DAMN WEBSITE JUST HAD THIS GODDAMN PROBLEM.
U DAMN WEBSITE, NOW I CANT EXPRESS MY FEELINGS CORRECTLY.
CIBAI NGENTOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I GONNA GO SLEEP. UR PRESENCE MAKE ME IRRITATED. THERE GOES MY STUDY MOOD AND SPIRIT.
FIRST MY BLOODY ATTITUDE FROM MY ROOMMATE, THEN THIS FUCKINGLY-FUCKING WEBSITE.
I WONDER WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GONNA END.
Damn you. If not because of the archives of my forbidden feelings, I'd have annihilated you to the deepest part of Hell instead.
Bastard.
Anyway, you see. This is me. I express things in words. Then my mood-meter will return from bad to normal.
Wonder why people think I am goddamn stressed =='
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Not crazy. Not ridiculous. Then what?
It's crazy.
No, it's ridiculous.
After all these times, I still can't get over you.
I'm just a little too not over you.
The memories are supposed to be gone for good or bad. It doesn't matter either way.
But the reminisce of all the beautiful memories still goes intact in my head and heart.
I just can't bear myself to let myself go from the heavenly bliss I experienced a few months ago....
It was not even a year yet, and it feels like I'm having a dream.
I mean, those things that I believed had happened, feels like a dream to me. And the pain, however, feels wickedly real.
Day by day, I go through these beautiful tortures.
I keep getting scars on my fragile heart.
Living with those seemingly-unreal flowery memories is what keeps me from dying and getting back on my feet instead.
Yet I very well knew that if I don't let go of those beautiful memories, I won't get over her, and the pain will never go.
How ironic.
Argh. Wtf is with this dilemma -,-
What should I do?
Exams are almost here.
And yet they kill me slowly inside-out.
No, it's ridiculous.
After all these times, I still can't get over you.
I'm just a little too not over you.
The memories are supposed to be gone for good or bad. It doesn't matter either way.
But the reminisce of all the beautiful memories still goes intact in my head and heart.
I just can't bear myself to let myself go from the heavenly bliss I experienced a few months ago....
It was not even a year yet, and it feels like I'm having a dream.
I mean, those things that I believed had happened, feels like a dream to me. And the pain, however, feels wickedly real.
Day by day, I go through these beautiful tortures.
I keep getting scars on my fragile heart.
Living with those seemingly-unreal flowery memories is what keeps me from dying and getting back on my feet instead.
Yet I very well knew that if I don't let go of those beautiful memories, I won't get over her, and the pain will never go.
How ironic.
Argh. Wtf is with this dilemma -,-
What should I do?
Exams are almost here.
And yet they kill me slowly inside-out.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
THAT'S ENOUGH!
Enough of it.
I've been saying so many times and yet I failed to focus on my own.
There's been enough slacking, relaxing, playing for now.
It's now time to START WORKING.
For my future. For my own.
Gotta stop playing and having leisure time.
At least put 'em on hiatus.
Let's end the playtime and start the working pistons with these;
"Jangan punya mental begitu, Vin. Kita belum coba jangan bilang sulit duluan. Orang lain aja bisa kenapa kita ga?" - Ci Elyn, about my doubt in being able to enter National JC.
"Masa depan kamu yang tentuin sendiri. Papa gak mau maksa. Jangan kerja keras karena Papa yang punya target. Kamu yang harus punya sendiri. Yang penting kamu dah berusaha SEBAIK MUNGKIN, itu udah bagus, apapun hasil akhirnya." - My Dad, about my future plans.
"Jangan malas-malasan lagi ya. Tidur yang cukup dan jaga badan. Udah mau O-Level. Rasa males dan santainya di buang dulu sementara. Kesempatan ini cuma sekali seumur hidup." - My Mum, about my slacking, even when O-level is already impending.
"One can only find his own Motivational Drive through himself. Nobody can help him." - Zhongyi, about lacking in the motivation to study.
Ok, now let's start moving. Kaito Daiki once said "If we start moving, something will start."
I've been saying so many times and yet I failed to focus on my own.
There's been enough slacking, relaxing, playing for now.
It's now time to START WORKING.
For my future. For my own.
Gotta stop playing and having leisure time.
At least put 'em on hiatus.
Let's end the playtime and start the working pistons with these;
"Jangan punya mental begitu, Vin. Kita belum coba jangan bilang sulit duluan. Orang lain aja bisa kenapa kita ga?" - Ci Elyn, about my doubt in being able to enter National JC.
"Masa depan kamu yang tentuin sendiri. Papa gak mau maksa. Jangan kerja keras karena Papa yang punya target. Kamu yang harus punya sendiri. Yang penting kamu dah berusaha SEBAIK MUNGKIN, itu udah bagus, apapun hasil akhirnya." - My Dad, about my future plans.
"Jangan malas-malasan lagi ya. Tidur yang cukup dan jaga badan. Udah mau O-Level. Rasa males dan santainya di buang dulu sementara. Kesempatan ini cuma sekali seumur hidup." - My Mum, about my slacking, even when O-level is already impending.
"One can only find his own Motivational Drive through himself. Nobody can help him." - Zhongyi, about lacking in the motivation to study.
Ok, now let's start moving. Kaito Daiki once said "If we start moving, something will start."
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Why am i still going forward?
Internet's been sucky lately. And it really sucks, esp when u cant write here, bloggie...
Down with headache.... Better now, tho. Luckily it s not an h1n1 flu..haha.
She s been down with fever since few days ago...wad a coincidence huh.. - - NO i m sure it s purely coincidental - - ...
Also,
I wonder why sometimes ppl can just attract the wrong person. -,-
Like san, for example. -,-
He always attract malay girls. Well he looks like malay, although he like someone completely different frm wad we call Malay -,-
On my side,
I have always have unwanted ppl talking to me on msn. Rather, one person. Not that i hate her or wad. A lot of times i on msn to discuss homework with classmates bt she always wanna share problems abt her friends bla 3x.. Those are actually things i shld be least concerned with. -,-
Not that i dun wanna help. It wasnt the right time -,- so i will normally just reply very succintly, trying hard to disguise my annoyance.
Bt i guess it s a different thing for HER . Ok bloggie, this time u know who is this person :) someone who was important to me, very important. And still is :)
I hope she will talk to me, esp when i am not feeling very well.
The issue is she ll never be there.
She always said she s gonna be there for me. I dont care as fren or wad ok.
Truth is, how many times she fulfill her own words? I did count myself ok. Only abt a handful of times.
The rest, either neglected or it ll be in cases where 'wait till i go home then i online. I cant talk to u. Enjoying my heavenly bliss with my bf'.
No she nv said that.
Bt i am sure she meant that when i contacted her and she only cared to reply only after she go home and expected me to wait online.
Haiz.
Her reason? 'i dun want sms u while distracted. Dun wanna use 'busy' as an excuse'.
1st thing, if u are really busy, it s not excuse anymore.
2nd thing, if u dun wanna be disturbed when u are enjoying ur time with ur bf, just say so. I d rather face a painful truth rather than got cheated.
Please mind what u say my dear. Everything of it. Cause i take it seriously.
And cause i meant things i say to u. All of them.
I am always there whenever u find me.
I love u and dun give up till the day u showed me who u chose between me and him. Even then, i still have feelings for u after i decided to give up -,-
I meant it when i said my feelings are only for u, and i prove it. Dunno why sometimes u still dun believe -,-
I wonder which things u have told me that u meant for real.
And where was i?
Oh, the wrong attractions thing -,-
I hope it doesnt happen to much ppl..
Get well soon, sweetheart. If u fall sick even worse, i ll get a huge mental block. :) come back to sch soon. It soothe me just to see u and hear ur voice frm a distance :) on the other hand, it worries and pains me to see ur empty seat at the classroom.
P.s : this is just a melancholic note i wrote on my handphone last week :p
Down with headache.... Better now, tho. Luckily it s not an h1n1 flu..haha.
She s been down with fever since few days ago...wad a coincidence huh.. - - NO i m sure it s purely coincidental - - ...
Also,
I wonder why sometimes ppl can just attract the wrong person. -,-
Like san, for example. -,-
He always attract malay girls. Well he looks like malay, although he like someone completely different frm wad we call Malay -,-
On my side,
I have always have unwanted ppl talking to me on msn. Rather, one person. Not that i hate her or wad. A lot of times i on msn to discuss homework with classmates bt she always wanna share problems abt her friends bla 3x.. Those are actually things i shld be least concerned with. -,-
Not that i dun wanna help. It wasnt the right time -,- so i will normally just reply very succintly, trying hard to disguise my annoyance.
Bt i guess it s a different thing for HER . Ok bloggie, this time u know who is this person :) someone who was important to me, very important. And still is :)
I hope she will talk to me, esp when i am not feeling very well.
The issue is she ll never be there.
She always said she s gonna be there for me. I dont care as fren or wad ok.
Truth is, how many times she fulfill her own words? I did count myself ok. Only abt a handful of times.
The rest, either neglected or it ll be in cases where 'wait till i go home then i online. I cant talk to u. Enjoying my heavenly bliss with my bf'.
No she nv said that.
Bt i am sure she meant that when i contacted her and she only cared to reply only after she go home and expected me to wait online.
Haiz.
Her reason? 'i dun want sms u while distracted. Dun wanna use 'busy' as an excuse'.
1st thing, if u are really busy, it s not excuse anymore.
2nd thing, if u dun wanna be disturbed when u are enjoying ur time with ur bf, just say so. I d rather face a painful truth rather than got cheated.
Please mind what u say my dear. Everything of it. Cause i take it seriously.
And cause i meant things i say to u. All of them.
I am always there whenever u find me.
I love u and dun give up till the day u showed me who u chose between me and him. Even then, i still have feelings for u after i decided to give up -,-
I meant it when i said my feelings are only for u, and i prove it. Dunno why sometimes u still dun believe -,-
I wonder which things u have told me that u meant for real.
And where was i?
Oh, the wrong attractions thing -,-
I hope it doesnt happen to much ppl..
Get well soon, sweetheart. If u fall sick even worse, i ll get a huge mental block. :) come back to sch soon. It soothe me just to see u and hear ur voice frm a distance :) on the other hand, it worries and pains me to see ur empty seat at the classroom.
P.s : this is just a melancholic note i wrote on my handphone last week :p
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Which one?
Some people may think [or at least, I used to do so] that I knew what I want.
San, for example. He said I knew what I want and what I don't.
Like, I know I can never be with her, and so I decided to break off completely.
But
Do I, really?
'Cause now that I think about it again,
I am not sure either.
Even if I may appear as if I don't really give a crap about it anymore,
My heart keeps longing for her, desiring everything about her.
It still feels like her presence calms my soul down; her voice soothes my troubled self; her smile, her laugh still cheer me up; her happiness is what will make my day after all.
My logic, however, battles my feeling with every of the opposites.
My brain keeps telling me I have no hope for her. It can never work between her and me. Worst thing - "She has inflicted you with so much pain and grievances, you won't wanna take her back again, if she really comes back to you,".
I know, it'll never happen. She'll never come to me again.
I know I have no more chances, hope, whatsoever.
Between these two, I wonder who'll win.
Anywho, I gotta really focus on revision now.
My relatives all know about my ambition to become a doctor.
Whenever they talked about it again, I feel remorseful for neglecting my aims so often.
And I can't imagine how worse will I feel if I really fail to get into my dream career.
Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard.
I have to always remember, that if I really manage to become a doctor, not only I will be satisfied of my own hardwork. It'll bring pride to my beloved family as well..
But I still do love you. My feeling has never changed, even after numerous of my attempts in telling myself to give up give up give up give up.
Oh I know you still can see all this, but I don't care. I don't block you from here.
Haha, but as if you'll come here ever again.
Oh here I go again, hoping for the hopeless, as always. Haiz.
San, for example. He said I knew what I want and what I don't.
Like, I know I can never be with her, and so I decided to break off completely.
But
Do I, really?
'Cause now that I think about it again,
I am not sure either.
Even if I may appear as if I don't really give a crap about it anymore,
My heart keeps longing for her, desiring everything about her.
It still feels like her presence calms my soul down; her voice soothes my troubled self; her smile, her laugh still cheer me up; her happiness is what will make my day after all.
My logic, however, battles my feeling with every of the opposites.
My brain keeps telling me I have no hope for her. It can never work between her and me. Worst thing - "She has inflicted you with so much pain and grievances, you won't wanna take her back again, if she really comes back to you,".
I know, it'll never happen. She'll never come to me again.
I know I have no more chances, hope, whatsoever.
Between these two, I wonder who'll win.
Anywho, I gotta really focus on revision now.
My relatives all know about my ambition to become a doctor.
Whenever they talked about it again, I feel remorseful for neglecting my aims so often.
And I can't imagine how worse will I feel if I really fail to get into my dream career.
Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard Work hard work hard work hard.
I have to always remember, that if I really manage to become a doctor, not only I will be satisfied of my own hardwork. It'll bring pride to my beloved family as well..
But I still do love you. My feeling has never changed, even after numerous of my attempts in telling myself to give up give up give up give up.
Oh I know you still can see all this, but I don't care. I don't block you from here.
Haha, but as if you'll come here ever again.
Oh here I go again, hoping for the hopeless, as always. Haiz.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
So that's why.
I guess I've figured out a bit why I'm feeling so down about it.
When I had no intention of pursuing and just loving from the distance,
She invited me to come.
When I said to myself that I wouldn't be a nuisance to her and the guy after I got closer,
She left him [for sometimes only, after I realised] and came to me, though I wasn't sure for what.
When I told myself again not to get tempted and interfere with both of them,
She texted me, with things like 'I miss u :)' and 'i miss u, u know :)' [OH YES I DO REMEMBER ALL OF THEM, EXACTLY.]
What was that for?
Don't bullshit me with stuff like 'just friends stuff' etc.
Cause even primary school children know it wasn't that way.
Damn.
So I then decided to take a plunge, thinking that after all my hardwork, my wait, my sweat and tears, my broken heart,
They were all worth..
I was SO wrong....
When I came closer [this time by my own accord],
She showed me that,
she never loves anyone other than that guy
She never missed anyone more than him
There will be no one in her heart, mind and soul other than one guy.
And when Ithought HOPED that it was finally me,
I discovered that it wasn't...
Turned out I was,
Nothing more than a heal for her every time she got hurt.
If she was happy with this guy,
She won't care with me at all [even with all those 'signs' she already gave to me].
Only when the guy doesn't want her for a while,
Then she came to me.
What am I? A substitute?
Something which is useful only a while, then throw it away ?
Why didn't I figure out earlier?
Why was I tricked again?
Why did I let myself to be used, to be played, again and again ????
But that wasn't the weirdest thing yet. No.
It's the question WHY I still keep coming back to you, despite all the pain and hurt you gave me.
Why can't I give up, not even for once?
When I had no intention of pursuing and just loving from the distance,
She invited me to come.
When I said to myself that I wouldn't be a nuisance to her and the guy after I got closer,
She left him [for sometimes only, after I realised] and came to me, though I wasn't sure for what.
When I told myself again not to get tempted and interfere with both of them,
She texted me, with things like 'I miss u :)' and 'i miss u, u know :)' [OH YES I DO REMEMBER ALL OF THEM, EXACTLY.]
What was that for?
Don't bullshit me with stuff like 'just friends stuff' etc.
Cause even primary school children know it wasn't that way.
Damn.
So I then decided to take a plunge, thinking that after all my hardwork, my wait, my sweat and tears, my broken heart,
They were all worth..
I was SO wrong....
When I came closer [this time by my own accord],
She showed me that,
she never loves anyone other than that guy
She never missed anyone more than him
There will be no one in her heart, mind and soul other than one guy.
And when I
I discovered that it wasn't...
Turned out I was,
Nothing more than a heal for her every time she got hurt.
If she was happy with this guy,
She won't care with me at all [even with all those 'signs' she already gave to me].
Only when the guy doesn't want her for a while,
Then she came to me.
What am I? A substitute?
Something which is useful only a while, then throw it away ?
Why didn't I figure out earlier?
Why was I tricked again?
Why did I let myself to be used, to be played, again and again ????
But that wasn't the weirdest thing yet. No.
It's the question WHY I still keep coming back to you, despite all the pain and hurt you gave me.
Why can't I give up, not even for once?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thanks, but...
Buddies,
I appreciate your support for me. I really do.
When you saw his photo, some of you, two of you, to be exact, said he is not handsome, like monkey, I am better, and etc.
And the rest seemed to be in agreement..
You all know what, it's BAD, real BAD you said it this way, though I never expressed it outrightly. He didn't do anything wrong to you guys to be humiliated by you.
Either way, it doesn't matter at all.
He may not handsome,
He may be full of flaws,
But he's got someone, a girl whom I treat as my world :)
And that alone, was comparable to nothing else. Nothing.
Though you all kept saying I am much better,
Without her, I am as incomplete and full of flaws as an unfinished artpiece, not worth admiring :)
She made a difference in each of my and his life.
PERFECT difference for him,
Perfectly devastating for me.
=)
I appreciate your support for me. I really do.
When you saw his photo, some of you, two of you, to be exact, said he is not handsome, like monkey, I am better, and etc.
And the rest seemed to be in agreement..
You all know what, it's BAD, real BAD you said it this way, though I never expressed it outrightly. He didn't do anything wrong to you guys to be humiliated by you.
Either way, it doesn't matter at all.
He may not handsome,
He may be full of flaws,
But he's got someone, a girl whom I treat as my world :)
And that alone, was comparable to nothing else. Nothing.
Though you all kept saying I am much better,
Without her, I am as incomplete and full of flaws as an unfinished artpiece, not worth admiring :)
She made a difference in each of my and his life.
PERFECT difference for him,
Perfectly devastating for me.
=)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Where?
"If there's a place in the world right now, where would you wanna be?"
Not a rare qn to ask right?
But right now, I just wanna be at FTPSS basketball court...with my ball and myself, playing alone in the middle of the night...
Cause whenever I'm down,
Whenever I'm emotional,
Whenever I need time alone,
The sound of the dribble ball,
The swish if the ball when it goes through the basket,
The creaking sound of basketball shoes against the court,
Could give me some peace, where all else fail..
Whenever love problems crop up,
The feeling of playing like Chauncey Billups or Steve Nash cools me down
Whenever something bad happens to me at school,
The feeling of being a Point Guard for my team sends soothing thumps through all my veins.
Even though I ain't very good at it,
Although others are so much better than me,
Although there is still much of my skills to be improved,
Even though I know I can never make basketball my career,
Is basketball a piece of my life afterall????
Not a rare qn to ask right?
But right now, I just wanna be at FTPSS basketball court...with my ball and myself, playing alone in the middle of the night...
Cause whenever I'm down,
Whenever I'm emotional,
Whenever I need time alone,
The sound of the dribble ball,
The swish if the ball when it goes through the basket,
The creaking sound of basketball shoes against the court,
Could give me some peace, where all else fail..
Whenever love problems crop up,
The feeling of playing like Chauncey Billups or Steve Nash cools me down
Whenever something bad happens to me at school,
The feeling of being a Point Guard for my team sends soothing thumps through all my veins.
Even though I ain't very good at it,
Although others are so much better than me,
Although there is still much of my skills to be improved,
Even though I know I can never make basketball my career,
Is basketball a piece of my life afterall????
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Steve Nash. Once my role model, always a role model.
Steve Nash isn't a new name for my ears.
I got to know him from an NBA Live I-forgot-which-year during primary school days with my long lost best friend, Michael.
At that point of time, Nash was a good partner of Dirk Nowitzki in Dallas Mavericks.
The next I saw his name was in my Indo secondary schoolmate's handphone. His bluetooth name.
Few weeks later I saw his photo in the newspaper, already transferred from Dallas Mavericks to Phoenix Suns.
At that moment, I was still into soccer, though I am not sure yet if I like it better than basketball.
And then last year. When I finally decided it was basketball that I like, with my teammates and brothers, I was decided into being a point guard position.
And when I needed a guide to improve myself, the name STEVE NASH came popping into my mind again. This time more seriously.
I searched for his videos, I watched him play,
The way he passes ball to Stoudemire, the way he executes Pick n Roll, the way he coordinates his champion team that year (which I had missed),
Without realising it, he has become my first role model in basketball.
Though Phoenix Suns is not as good as it was,
Though they failed to make it into Playoff this year,
Though new stars are rising every day,
Though people say the good old nash is going down soon,
In my heart, Steve, I just wanna let you know that I'll be always your loyal fan 'till the day you walk out of the basketball world.
And I just wanna thank you for inspiring me to be always improving as a point guard.
Though we dunno each other,
Though we've never met,
And though we belong in two different worlds.
I got to know him from an NBA Live I-forgot-which-year during primary school days with my long lost best friend, Michael.
At that point of time, Nash was a good partner of Dirk Nowitzki in Dallas Mavericks.
The next I saw his name was in my Indo secondary schoolmate's handphone. His bluetooth name.
Few weeks later I saw his photo in the newspaper, already transferred from Dallas Mavericks to Phoenix Suns.
At that moment, I was still into soccer, though I am not sure yet if I like it better than basketball.
And then last year. When I finally decided it was basketball that I like, with my teammates and brothers, I was decided into being a point guard position.
And when I needed a guide to improve myself, the name STEVE NASH came popping into my mind again. This time more seriously.
I searched for his videos, I watched him play,
The way he passes ball to Stoudemire, the way he executes Pick n Roll, the way he coordinates his champion team that year (which I had missed),
Without realising it, he has become my first role model in basketball.
Though Phoenix Suns is not as good as it was,
Though they failed to make it into Playoff this year,
Though new stars are rising every day,
Though people say the good old nash is going down soon,
In my heart, Steve, I just wanna let you know that I'll be always your loyal fan 'till the day you walk out of the basketball world.
And I just wanna thank you for inspiring me to be always improving as a point guard.
Though we dunno each other,
Though we've never met,
And though we belong in two different worlds.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Counter
I think I got it now..
Whenever I feel sad or alone watching my family leave me or vice versa,
I can just tell this to myself:
"They're the reason for my smile. I must not disappoint them. I can't repay them anything but someday in the future, I will. And to prepare for that day, I'll study hard. Real hard."
And so, yeah , I will..
Now, time to fulfill my duty as a son, and protector of the family.
Whenever I feel sad or alone watching my family leave me or vice versa,
I can just tell this to myself:
"They're the reason for my smile. I must not disappoint them. I can't repay them anything but someday in the future, I will. And to prepare for that day, I'll study hard. Real hard."
And so, yeah , I will..
Now, time to fulfill my duty as a son, and protector of the family.
Monday, June 22, 2009
I have woken up, finally.
Enough. Thats it.
I should really wake up from this dream.
I said I need to let go, and went back on my words.
This time is for real. I promise, bloggie xD
According to the Mirror-breaking Imagination Test,
I should be able to get over this kind of stuff in a matter of days.
well, it doesnt sound like that to me. =D
Either way, hard or easy. I've got no choice.
Getting over it is a must. Going back was not an option.
My focus will just be on studies and basketball now.
No love.
Love dont bring happiness, it only creates chaos inside me =)
I should really wake up from this dream.
I said I need to let go, and went back on my words.
This time is for real. I promise, bloggie xD
According to the Mirror-breaking Imagination Test,
I should be able to get over this kind of stuff in a matter of days.
well, it doesnt sound like that to me. =D
Either way, hard or easy. I've got no choice.
Getting over it is a must. Going back was not an option.
My focus will just be on studies and basketball now.
No love.
Love dont bring happiness, it only creates chaos inside me =)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
..
Wait,
or is it a retribution for me?
A retribution I get, u know, like An Eye For An Eye kind of stufff
Because I left without a word the night before, and dozed off to sleep...
Either way, so this is why. =)
or is it a retribution for me?
A retribution I get, u know, like An Eye For An Eye kind of stufff
Because I left without a word the night before, and dozed off to sleep...
Either way, so this is why. =)
One moment of happiness = one moment of bad happenings [?]
If this is the case I'll never wanna be happy because of love anymore.
Just when I thought something good happens,
when finally something has changed,
In the end I realised it was always a hidden blade.
like u know, bloggie, Altair's hidden blade [if u play Assassin's Creed]
It goes near u, then suddenly stabs u out of nowhere.
Maybe this is how I should describe it.
I wondered why I got no response from the other side....
Then I decided not to think abt it. Maybe it wasnt my business afterall....
And then suddenly, a thing comes up....
A strange mail I have always wished to get, yet I know it could never come to me...
Why did it arrive?
I was alr quite happy. I dunno why. To other ppl [even to the normal ME], this is just nothing but very normal stuff to get. I dunno why I am so happy.
I thought jokingly "is a storm coming? How can I get this? haha. today must be my lucky day."
Actually,
I havent been getting any response today,
because apparently the princess was with the prince....
Well, actually why does an outsider like me need to know, need to feel anything?
Afterall, my feelings for the princess are forbidden, totally unacceptable.
Why do I have to feel anyway? I very well knew the princess has been with the prince, and will always be.
And then a 'storm' was raging through inside me.
I felt like, as I mentioned earlier, Altair just appeared out of nowhere and stabbed me right through my vital point, and left like nothing has happened at all.
Some master assassin u are...Did u learn from Altair? What has he taught u?
My feelings are mixed...
And then I realised, it was all like this AGAIN....
After something good [good to me, may be VERY ORDINARY to others],
something bad [in this case, the 'storm' in me] happened...
Haiz...
Why do I have to feel?
And why don't I just bring myself to stop...
Nevermind...I wont feel happy for love again.....
If it's good, I'll treat it like a mere something-good-has-happened stuff...
So I can also say something-bad-has-happened when the so-called "Altair's disciple" assassinates me again... xD
Just when I thought something good happens,
when finally something has changed,
In the end I realised it was always a hidden blade.
like u know, bloggie, Altair's hidden blade [if u play Assassin's Creed]
It goes near u, then suddenly stabs u out of nowhere.
Maybe this is how I should describe it.
I wondered why I got no response from the other side....
Then I decided not to think abt it. Maybe it wasnt my business afterall....
And then suddenly, a thing comes up....
A strange mail I have always wished to get, yet I know it could never come to me...
Why did it arrive?
I was alr quite happy. I dunno why. To other ppl [even to the normal ME], this is just nothing but very normal stuff to get. I dunno why I am so happy.
I thought jokingly "is a storm coming? How can I get this? haha. today must be my lucky day."
Actually,
I havent been getting any response today,
because apparently the princess was with the prince....
Well, actually why does an outsider like me need to know, need to feel anything?
Afterall, my feelings for the princess are forbidden, totally unacceptable.
Why do I have to feel anyway? I very well knew the princess has been with the prince, and will always be.
And then a 'storm' was raging through inside me.
I felt like, as I mentioned earlier, Altair just appeared out of nowhere and stabbed me right through my vital point, and left like nothing has happened at all.
Some master assassin u are...Did u learn from Altair? What has he taught u?
My feelings are mixed...
And then I realised, it was all like this AGAIN....
After something good [good to me, may be VERY ORDINARY to others],
something bad [in this case, the 'storm' in me] happened...
Haiz...
Why do I have to feel?
And why don't I just bring myself to stop...
Nevermind...I wont feel happy for love again.....
If it's good, I'll treat it like a mere something-good-has-happened stuff...
So I can also say something-bad-has-happened when the so-called "Altair's disciple" assassinates me again... xD
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Just a quote
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long"
Know what I mean?
AAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Know what I mean?
AAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Easier said than done
That IS always the case, bloggie.
I said I NEED to give up. I said I MUST do it.
It wasnt easy , dude.
She is still a part of me afterall.
Letting a part of myself go is gonna be difficult.
And yet you told me whatever I wrote is not true.
Have u ever thought abt it?
Have u ever put urself in my shoe , and see for urself what I am feeling?
Have u ever thought abt how ur actions could influence my actions and feelings?
I am not blaming u, sweetheart =)
I am begging for an explanation.
So many things, so little time.
Haiz.
I am already struggling with my own willpower.
It's so weak.
Always cant get through temptation.
First I said I wont 'do it' again, I must exercise like sit ups and push ups to burn away my energy,
In the end I am still 'doing it'.
Sry, bloggie. It's too embarrassing to say it here.
First I say I wont sleep less, I will sleep early.
In the end internet and games lured me away.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
WILLPOWER, PLEASE.
Ok, bloggie, gotta slp now. Getting late. xD
I said I NEED to give up. I said I MUST do it.
It wasnt easy , dude.
She is still a part of me afterall.
Letting a part of myself go is gonna be difficult.
And yet you told me whatever I wrote is not true.
Have u ever thought abt it?
Have u ever put urself in my shoe , and see for urself what I am feeling?
Have u ever thought abt how ur actions could influence my actions and feelings?
I am not blaming u, sweetheart =)
I am begging for an explanation.
So many things, so little time.
Haiz.
I am already struggling with my own willpower.
It's so weak.
Always cant get through temptation.
First I said I wont 'do it' again, I must exercise like sit ups and push ups to burn away my energy,
In the end I am still 'doing it'.
Sry, bloggie. It's too embarrassing to say it here.
First I say I wont sleep less, I will sleep early.
In the end internet and games lured me away.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
WILLPOWER, PLEASE.
Ok, bloggie, gotta slp now. Getting late. xD
Monday, June 1, 2009
Uh-huh
Maybe this is it...
This is the end of another of my train journey in the Love line.
It was like waking up from a dream.
Everything I experienced and felt,
it was like anything but a dream.
I woke up.
Saw that all inside my mind and heart were never destined to become reality.
Everything that I wished for,
Everything that I thought was possible to happen,
vanished like a speck of dust blown away by the nightwind.
Scattered, broken down.
All of myself that have been given to u
All of my heart that have been presented
All of my feelings that have been poured upon,
Were all but nothing that matters in the end.
I feel really exhausted already.
I am sorry.
I feel that this feeling of mine is going nowhere, and thus, getting pointless.
You cant let go of ur current situation either =)
Your physical and mental condition are always troubled as well.
Lets not make things difficult for u, shall we?
I'll just give up , and stop.
So you'll feel more relaxed.
You can feel that there will be no more 'wild dog barking and biting off ur tail from the back'.
And I cannot walk on a path that leads me to nowhere.
I cannot keep 'feeding something that is non-living'.
I cannot keep 'wishing for a snow to fall on a tropical island'.
I cannot let myself be enslaved by these chain of my feelings.
I think I am tired.
Tired of getting distracted from other stuff.
Tired of getting enslaved.
Tired of getting hurt.
Tired of assuring you for thousandth of times how important you are in my life, and yet you still think and say as if you are such an annoyance and disturbance to me.
Tired of feeling as if I never get any response from u [ or i am too blind to see it]
I need somebody
Somebody who stays by me, not one who comes only when she needs me.
Somebody who can return my feeling, not just one-sided.
Somebody who feels the same way as I do.
But you.
I need somebody faithful, I am tired of being played again and again ==
You are so faithful to him that if I let you go, I am afraid I cant find another faithful one.
I need somebody who always cares.
The way your care for him. it never fails to amaze me.
I feel I cannot see anyone who could care as much as you do.
I need someone who can maintain the feeling the way I do.
The way you can maintain your feeling for him, despite everything that you have gone through, it always awes me.
You left me thinking whether another girl like you exists. I always wonder whether I am faithful or can keep my feeling for long after all.
But
But
But, that was all for HIM
Not Me.
=)
If thats the way it has been, it should always be the way.
I thought I could get you coming to me. I was wrong.
I was merely a pebble stone in your love life. A milestone you have to overcome in order for you and him to stay closer. A test for your own feeling.
More of the reasons why I should give this up. =)
I really need to consider if I can get someone I have always dreamt of afterall.
Please, I wanna cry. But my eyes are already too red and dry =)
I am broken down, totally.
But no, I'll try to keep smiling.
I hope I can get through this.
This is the end of another of my train journey in the Love line.
It was like waking up from a dream.
Everything I experienced and felt,
it was like anything but a dream.
I woke up.
Saw that all inside my mind and heart were never destined to become reality.
Everything that I wished for,
Everything that I thought was possible to happen,
vanished like a speck of dust blown away by the nightwind.
Scattered, broken down.
All of myself that have been given to u
All of my heart that have been presented
All of my feelings that have been poured upon,
Were all but nothing that matters in the end.
I feel really exhausted already.
I am sorry.
I feel that this feeling of mine is going nowhere, and thus, getting pointless.
You cant let go of ur current situation either =)
Your physical and mental condition are always troubled as well.
Lets not make things difficult for u, shall we?
I'll just give up , and stop.
So you'll feel more relaxed.
You can feel that there will be no more 'wild dog barking and biting off ur tail from the back'.
And I cannot walk on a path that leads me to nowhere.
I cannot keep 'feeding something that is non-living'.
I cannot keep 'wishing for a snow to fall on a tropical island'.
I cannot let myself be enslaved by these chain of my feelings.
I think I am tired.
Tired of getting distracted from other stuff.
Tired of getting enslaved.
Tired of getting hurt.
Tired of assuring you for thousandth of times how important you are in my life, and yet you still think and say as if you are such an annoyance and disturbance to me.
Tired of feeling as if I never get any response from u [ or i am too blind to see it]
I need somebody
Somebody who stays by me, not one who comes only when she needs me.
Somebody who can return my feeling, not just one-sided.
Somebody who feels the same way as I do.
But you.
I need somebody faithful, I am tired of being played again and again ==
You are so faithful to him that if I let you go, I am afraid I cant find another faithful one.
I need somebody who always cares.
The way your care for him. it never fails to amaze me.
I feel I cannot see anyone who could care as much as you do.
I need someone who can maintain the feeling the way I do.
The way you can maintain your feeling for him, despite everything that you have gone through, it always awes me.
You left me thinking whether another girl like you exists. I always wonder whether I am faithful or can keep my feeling for long after all.
But
But
But, that was all for HIM
Not Me.
=)
If thats the way it has been, it should always be the way.
I thought I could get you coming to me. I was wrong.
I was merely a pebble stone in your love life. A milestone you have to overcome in order for you and him to stay closer. A test for your own feeling.
More of the reasons why I should give this up. =)
I really need to consider if I can get someone I have always dreamt of afterall.
Please, I wanna cry. But my eyes are already too red and dry =)
I am broken down, totally.
But no, I'll try to keep smiling.
I hope I can get through this.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Hurt ..again [?]
Love hurts....
No, i dont mean that one what ppl normally say.
This is because I cared so much for love
Was this why I failed some of my exams?
Bloggie? why?
Is this why?
I hope not ==
Well, who cares.
Dont wanna use excuses for my failures.
Work is work. Feelings are feelings.
Never let feelings interfere your work. Period.
See ya :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Untitled
I just think of you all the time
And I do not know why.
Call me sick, call me crazy, call me childish. Whatever names you can think of.
But thats what I am now.
Sick in the mind, head, and heart
Everything. Sicko. Psychophatic.
Hahaha..somehow i feel so comical.
Why keep thinking of someone who almost NEVER think of you.
If thats incorrect, then blame me all you guys want.
'Cause you believe what your mind heart perceives.
I see it that way,
Yes, yes. Thats my fault.
Always cant see.
Always think negative.
Always think too much, too far.
Always very sick in the head.
Always do MEANINGLESS stuff.
Go and die :)
"All I know is baby I try, I try so hard to keep my love alive"
"And it's killing me , 'cause there ain't a thing I can do"
Saturday, May 16, 2009
A decision?
I thought abt it
I'd better not pursue this matter
No need to chase for her
Just keep the feeling,
and our relations as of what it is now
Because I have realised and known,
that no matter how hard I pursue, you dont seem to get nearer =)
that the more I attempt, the harder I fall
that the more I put my effort in it, the harder pain and payback I am getting
that the more I try to get closer, the further that you back away
Haha.
Maybe I'll let this thing remain as what it is right now
All I need to do is be there whenever you need it, be understanding, and be quiet. haha....There literally is nothing I can ever do =)
"But in the end if I'm with you, I'll take the chance."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Hmm...
I wonder, I wonder....
Exams passing by...
So is my feeling....
I tried my best to concentrate, but u're still at the top ....
I tried not to care, since when i show it, u dun want it oso....
Maybe u need to concentrate...haha...why am i thinking so negatively...
I can see how much u struggle to try to cope...though sometimes u just cant get things into ur head.....and yeah, the feeling when u have no mood to study....
In fact i am having this mood now...I am very tired....Why am i blogging instead of studying? == Haiz....
It feels weird not communicating to u at all, very weird....
It happens too suddenly...
But i know u wanted to concentrate....
and i cant be so egoistic to talk but at the same time, disturbing u...No, i dun want to.....
Yet, i cant help feel ignored..............
Is it just my negative thinking?
Maybe u just dont wanna show anything to me?
Or is it a fact that u dun wanna care anymore?
Argh i dunno ==
NONSENSE ends here...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
No no
OH NO...
I am so NOT gonna be overwhelmed by my own emotion
HAHAHAHAHA
I AM FINE
THE EMO SIDE CANT CONTROL ME, DUDE
BRING ON THE PAIN
I AM GONNA BE FINE!
HOHOHO....
Exams is round the corner u idiot! Start revising instead of blogging ;)
SOrry for the random post of my feeling , bloggie xD
..................
AND
I
CANT
HELP
BUT
WAIT
Dunno how many times I have been telling that to myself
Now I am asking a new qn
1). Am I really waiting,
2). Or just running away from the truth, which is waiting someone who will never come?
I dunno=)
I WANNA know....
Know whether I am walking aimlessly or towards a destination =)
I feel I am starting to get weary
I need to believe
Is there anything I can do?
Please,
I just need to know if i am waiting pointlessly or not
Just that.
Please
I am crumbling, and I dun want to.
Please tell me I am not walking blindly on this road......
Cause if I am,
I'd rather stop myself, even if i have to kill myself to stop :)
Please =)
U may be the only one who can save me from this state....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
So far okay...
hahaha...good good
i dont think so negative anymore
now learning to take things more positively
wont indulge myself in negative thinkings so much
got so many things to do
Need For Speed Undercover especially xD
Ball senses practice xD
Abdomen exercises xD
but still, i cant get myself to study ==
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
die
die
now is a problem on how to get mood to study =='
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)