Life can really change overnight huh?

I think I've told you before.
I reflect way, way too much on holidays.



Mostly, about US.



When I first saw you,
Good friends were all that could be, I thought.
When we became good friends,
Suddenly my heart changed.
When my feelings for you grew stronger,
You started to show that you care.
When we cared for each other more than a friend could,
You backed away.
When I was writhing in pain,
You backed away further.
When I started to back away too, still writhing in pain,
We two avoided each other.
When Fate changed things between us,
We suddenly became closer again.
As we became closer,
We figured out that soulmates are what we were.
And now,
I'm doubting my own perseverance.




I started to feel this is not how a soulmate should be.
It's more...like siblings now.
I don't feel the "L word" anymore.
[Anyway, I decided that L word shouldn't be thrown around casually. So I'm not gonna say it anymore.]
Although my feelings for you remain the same,
I am starting to doubt whether we can really make it or not.


Not that I'm afraid to work for it.
I'm afraid you don't have time to work for it.


I remember during secondary,
You had to neglect everything about us even during Mid-Year Exams.
With JC,
I'll bet that you'll neglect me since the start.
And I'll be in the same state like I was in earlier this year.
Talking to myself, without any reply.
And then my negative self takes over.
Crushing my mentality inside out.
And my work will be affected.
Dead.



Now I'm starting to feel whether to give this up or not.
I don't want to.
But I really see that you don't wanna work for it anymore either.
You prefer to stay in your way now.

All our soulmate thing,
I think you don't understand what a soulmate means.
You don't understand how to be one.
And you certainly don't wanna be that piece of me anymore.



Because,
You already love someone.
And that automatically makes you unable to let others in.
You'll be crushed if you let go of him.
And even with what I do, I can't heal your heart anymore in that kind of state.
Last but not least,
The certainty issue you always think of about.
All you think of him was he WILL be forever with you, and all you think of me was I WILL NEVER be able to be with you for long.



I used to think a soulmate from other country doesn't matter much to me.
No matter how difficult it is,
I don't wanna give it up, as long as it's for my own happiness.
My perseverance is starting to fade now.
I am beginning to think that I can never make you stay with me either.
Where did my optimistic mindset go?
And since you don't wanna work for it too,
I'm thinking that maybe we are not really meant to be together.
And I'm beginning to think of the phrase I used to loathe; Give Up.




I don't wanna give up.
I don't.
But there are just some things you can't change.
Some things need to be accepted, even if you don't wanna do so.
Some things need to be let go, no matter how much it'll hurt you.
And sometimes, you just can't fight Destiny back.




Still, I'm not sure yet.
I said before, I'll fight 'till the last ounce of my mental strength.
I'll continue fighting with what I still have now.






Having said that,
The battlefield of emotions continue to flare,
And this war goes on.