I'm sorry. But again, I think it's not enough.

Last night was one of the most regretful nights.

Here's a note I wrote on my phone.


23/11/09, 2:39am


I am so stupid...

Have I no brain??? No feeling???

I don't even fit to claim that I love you.

I have known for a while about what she thinks everytime I am with other girls...
Jealous, hurt, that's what she is always thinking...

Yes, I know this already.
For so long already...

Yet why do I still do it sometimes,
Doesn't matter intentionally or not.

Few things are on my mind about this...

Firstly, it was unintentional, and misunderstanding.
Sometimes I hang out with girls, for study. Or when they wanna clarify some things...
This one is easy to solve...
Just tell her the truth, and hopefully she understands..
Well she always does in this case...

2nd case.
I really go out with a girl friend, just because I have nothing to do.
Or hang out with my housemates and their girl friends.
Because i feel I have nothing to do.,
Or because I can't talk to her at that moment, and desperately need something to distract myself from the emptiness I am feeling at the moment...
This one, like today, was a bit harder for her to accept...
Just now she wasn't online, and I was waiting for her [unconsciously]. Suddenly Lisa came to my room, wanting to borrow my external harddisk again for the movies.
So I gave it. But she invited me to join...
"maybe I should join also. Nothing to do in my room anyway. She won't be online."
That's what I was thinking.

But upon entering her room, I saw Stefanie.
"Oh, great. This could get more fun!" was my next thought.
Then I found out from them there was another one.
"Who could that be?"
Candice then entered the room.
I don't know her that well but oh nevermind.
But again,
"So many girls?? Oh damn. Wanna go out of here, but it feels very weird if I do. Might as well I stay. They don't mind, I don't too."
Then my heart skipped a beat. It thundered "Huyen minds."
Then unconsciously my mind replied "She's not online. You go back now oso you don't talk to her. Stay here lah. Remember yesterday? You waited till 1am plus, she didn't came at all?"
My heart went silent for a while,
But it keeps interrupting in the middle with whispering questions "What if she's online now?"
Again, my mind instinctively replied every time with "can't be lah. She always had a fun day. She'll be tired by now and gone to sleep already."

Typically of my heart, it never gave up.
After the movie was over, I tried not to appear too rushed to go back to my room.
But I was really rushing, I even forgot to take back my harddrive.



And there she was, online...
Of course I was surprised she had not slept yet, so I asked.
"Haven't. Just now wanted to call you but you were idle." was her reply.


And my whole self crashed like September 11.

She had been waiting.

And where I was? Having fun with other girls.
Of course I couldn't lie, and I told her the truth.
She was surprised.
And yes, upset afterwards.
Not even after I apologised many times she felt better.
Oh man I just wanted to hurt myself for this. I'm so disappointed with myself.


I should have let my heart won this time....


Anyway, 3rd reason,
And the most dangerous one.
Came from the dark side of me.

[I think it shouldnt even be written here, but since this is where I pour out everything, I'll just do it, okay?]

"I want to make her jealous, intentionally.
Never imagine how much I feel so hurt everytime you mention 'Boyfriend' and everytime you go out with him. While I'm home alone, crying silently every weekend, waiting for your call.
And when I'm with only FRIENDS, you feel hurt? Are you kidding me?
You always say you feel unhappy seeing me with other girls,
But hey dear, have you ever thought about how I feel everytime you mention that painful word to me and what you do with him?
Even if you can feel my pain, you still do it, many times.
So many until it feels like you purposely do it.
How can you say unhappy at me in this case, when you always torture me slowly from inside out everytime you're with him?
Not only when you're with him actually.
You strike a scar on my heart all the time.
I never think of other girls.
Only you.
Yet you think of him all the time.
If you say you're unhappy because of this, I'll be awarded with Most Emo Person In The World Award.
Just think about it, my dear."



Argh!!!!! NOOOO!!!
NO NO NO NO!!!!


Goodness, I can't believe I said all that.
No, that's my darkness self.
It's in my control.
I won't let it show up :)
What he says, let's not bother okay :)



From now on, this is what I promise to you, soulmate [Even though I know you won't read this].
Whoever I'm with, it's you who's on my mind.
Other girls, they're just FRIENDS.
I mean it, always.
But still, I know you can't help feeling hurt.
So I'll promise I won't hang out with other girls unless I really have to see them okay?
I know what you'll say. You have no control over me.
But I do. That's why I'm controlling myself.
In order to prove how I feel towards you, how much you mean to me,
This is all nothing.


About you and him, sorry for feeling all that.
I know that from the start.
Yet I still chose to love you.
This is inevitable.
But then again,
'A light of hope at the end is what I need to keep me going, even if the path I'm taking will be torturous.'
I'm not giving you up, no matter how much pain it's gonna inflict me :)



Anyway I'll just hope that what my dark side said wasn't true at all.
'Cause it sounded truthfully, painfully true.