On 14/11/09, around after midnight, I wrote this note in my mobile phone, describing what we did on the 13/11/09 evening.
This was one of the best day of my life.
We brothers went out to drink alcoholic drinks.
Yongyi and Huyen joined us too.
Unexpectedly, Yongyi grew uncontrollable. She soon started to cry, a bit crazy, and swore a lot after half-cup of vodka.
But seriously, the 43% of alcohol in the vodka was a little bit too much, even for me. Beer has only 5%. I drunk slowly, but in the end I still felt restless.
This was when the best part came.
While Yy and Liaowei were talking somewhere else, Huyen and me were talking on our own. We stood very closely towards each other. We had a good talk, a good fun, and it was definitely very sweet.
Once or twice I lied on her shoulder, I was too tired due to the vodka.
She doesnt seem to mind though, and let me tell you the feeling was heavenly to me.
I know normally it's the girl who lies on the guy's shoulder, but maybe I'm a bit abnormal. Haha.
I've never lied my head on someone's shoulder before.
And I certainly have never been this close and personal to someone.
I can feel that we both becoming closer and closer day by day, which is quite good, to me :)
On the way to interchange, Yy was getting even worse.
Walked not straight and Liaowei had to hold her to keep her stable.
Haiz. We'll never bring her to a liquor session again.
We've learnt our lesson.
Meanwhile, when walking to interchange, She stood really close to me. Our hands even touched each others'.
Oh my, it was real happiness.
And she sometimes put her hand on my shoulder, or on my arm.
Near her home, before we parted ways, I gave her a hug.
Man, that was certainly one of the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life.
So this is how love between two person might have felt like.
Even hours after we went home,
I could still feel her hands massaging my shoulder,
I could feel her tiny hands on top of my shoulder,
I could still feel her shoulder when my head rested on it,
I could still feel the warmth of her hug.
And I certainly can feel how much I mean to her.
At that moment I wished time could just stop, so this happiness I feel will last forever.
But nothing lasts forever right,
Still, I'll try to last this for very, very long.
Cause now I too have realised how much she means to me in my life.
Well, that was it.
And yesterday night was our BBQ and chalet session.
All 4e1 boys were there and some girls, including her, was there too.
YY was the only girl staying behind overnight with us boys.
She didnt stay, I know,
But we maximised our chances when time still allowed.
Whenever she talked to me, I cant help but feeling happy all over and forget almost everything else. Well, almost.
So she went home about 8.30pm.
Quite early, but hey, it wasnt as if we both had a choice =)
She wasnt allowed to stay overnight.
But that was it, I thought. Just another separation.
However, under some influence of alcohol, I started to miss her, badly.
It was barely 2 hours after we last exchanged hugs, but her presence lingered on my mind and I wanted to see her already.
Sitting on the poolside with my bros and Yy, I couldnt help but thinking of her all the time, even verbally expressing what I desired for at that moment, that is, to be with her spending that beautiful and serene night.
We all knew that was not gonna happen, but even that didnt stop my negative self. My positive mindset lost all the battle, since my negative self was greatly helped by the emptiness my heart was feeling.
All of a sudden I was very afraid of this coming holiday.
I have always wanted a break, going back to my hometown. It's been one year since I last lied on my home.
This time, though, I'm afraid of the emotional burden I'm gonna bring back.
What do I mean here?
You see, even after only few hours of not seeing her,
My mind was in a total whirl.
I dont dare to imagine how bad this can be if I aint able to see her for bloody 2 months.
That's gonna bring me an unbearable pain, although might not be as much as how it did during the period when I was avoiding her.
I'll just hope that my positive side would win eventually.
I kept telling myself that it's a fact that we both know we can never forget each other during this period,
That we both will keep in contact,
And that we both will miss each other deeply.
But still,
I know she'll have much much fun during the whole holiday that she will hardly have time to sit down in front of her laptop chatting with me.
Unlike me, who'll be most probably playing basketball or relaxing at home all the time.
Afterall, she has a whole lot of friends and in my new place, I dont have any.
Ok, only one. But it's a girl. So don't expect much spending time with her either.
Anyway she wouldnt be happy if I do =)
And without communication, I can see what's gonna happen alr.
Gradually the feeling will just fade away.
And what has happened, will just go off to thin air.
And this is what's so scary. =.=
Oh, anyway, talking about separation.
I'm having a lot of doubts next year, after realising what might happen.
Talking to Liaowei made me realise this.
Afterall, he realised that Yy too, was scared that he might forget her next year, due to the difference in their studies, and well, maybe their world too.
Lw: Now I'm starting to doubt myself, whether or not I can still remember her after JC =.=
Me: Can what. As long as both want to keep in contact, will not forget.
Lw: The thing is I think she dont want....
Me: .......
Lw: she scared I forget her, after meeting better girls in JC.
Talking about this made me realise what She told me might really happen.
And I'm scared.
Although she doesnt say it directly, I know what she was concerned about.
She: Next time I go to library, then see you with ... ^^
Me: With who? Haha.
She: ...with one girl, study together. Very happy =)
Me: Yeah, one girl. Maybe from different JC what =) *looking deep into her eyes*
She: =P
It might not be too visible, but I know what was on her mind.
I'll meet what she calls 'better girls' in JC, and then forget her. And might not treat her like a soulmate should anymore.
I'll realise that my soulmate is not her.
And then I'll forget her.
And then I'll be a stranger.
But again and again I assured her on that day that for me, different JC doesnt matter. We can still make it happen.
That doesnt seem convincing to her.
If she has the right to be afraid, so do I, right?
She may meet another guy who's much better at comforting her and much more like a soulmate to her.
And then with the busy schedule, she doesnt come online often.
And then we'll never talk anymore, although I'm online as long as I'm home.
And then she'll forget me.
And then we'll become stranger.
That's not very pleasant to think about isnt it?
If that really happens to me,
I might as well lost my will to live.
People have their gut instinct,
And mine says that She's the one, the missing piece of my happiness.
And if she abandons me,
That should be it.
Possibly my real-self can never come out again.
Possibly I'll lose my pillar of support.
And surely, I'll never find a complete happiness in this life.
There'll still be other devastating consequences.
And it's better if I dont write it out,
Better still dont think of it.
People say the life in JC was going to be very hectic, so busy that you cant even have time for yourself.
I'm not intimidated by any of it.
At most, some of my leisure time will still be present.
And definitely, I'll have special amount of time allocated just for her.
But that's if she wants to make this happen too.
This is what I fear; not JC itself but what might happen between us during this period.
I'm never so afraid of the future before.
What if it comes to reality?
What if...
=)
P.S.
Jose said that my palm line, unlike others, have not much of them.
And so my fate is yet to be unwritten. I decide my own fate.
I hope this can help.
One thing I know for sure.
I'm not giving you up till my last ounce of mental strength.
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