Influence from games.

Sometimes [no, OFTEN], I feel very disgusted at myself.

Because I keep running away from the facts.
And try to cover the bad ones with others.


Like I try to spend more time with other girls.
Not that I am a playboy or a damn flirt who would do this all day.
But unintentionally I do this to get over Huyen, who I want to at least put the thought on hiatus until end of exam.
For instance, these 2 days I spent my days studying with Danfeng and some group of friends.

I knew very well that I ain't interested in her for a few reasons.
1). Some personalities in us just can't go beyond friends.
2). Kinglam is my good friend, Zul as well. Both may still have feelings for her, though they say they're getting over it. But I'll still feel bad u see.
3). For sure she doesnt like me. That's very obvious in my eyes. hahaha.



Nevertheless, I still do like to spend time with her.
I thought I could forget about Huyen by doing this.








I can't.







I realise that no matter how I try, in the end I can't do it.
To think that this week I made an improvement, cause I nv have any contact at all, virtually or in real.

Yesterday, in school, Danfeng and I browsed through facebook. We had fun laughing at others' or my profile and making jokes.
But,
then we stumbled on her profile.
I saw a new photo added [actually have a lot of photos added, but only one have a significant impact on me].

It was a group photo of her, the boyfriend, and the group.
There was nothing wrong at all with the rest,
except that at the bottom there was her photo and him laughing happily, hugging each other.

Danfeng: Oops. Ok, scroll to next photo.
Me: Haha. what Oops.

[Oh, anw, Danfeng knew abt us. Though just little bit.Like those bitches who spread it around ==]


Thats what I call disgusting.
Hiding it all.
Actually I managed to hold it up,
Until that evening at home, I saw it again...


I just feel that I want Alex Mercer's power, to kill some people for real.
Damn bloody Prototype, cant let me have fun even once. Fucking lag on my comp.
Dunno why my laptop's so suck.


Not only that.
I want his power to hurt myself.
I dunno why.
Every time I saw they two, I felt I wanna stab my own body repeatedly.
Normal people's response should be wanting to either stab him or her right.
Haha.
Like this day,

there was one day, when the situation was still not as bad, was still between good and now,
huyen was like going to 145 bustop alone, to go home like usual.
then me, mars lw, san like saw her.
they three were like encouraging me to go send her home or something. or at least
just meet her before she goes home. just 2 of us.

i was reluctant at first,
but in the end i believed it was worth a try.
so yea i did and i saw her like standing in the staircase opposite red circle. so i was like a bit happy, preparing words to say or something.
i thought she was alone. but as i got nearer,

i notice she actually was facing the guy.
he was sitting on the stairs.
just tat it was blocked from the view when i was still far frm it.
so with shame and a grudging mix of anger and disappointment [oh, and a hope that she didnt see me], i turned back and went back to 3 of them,
expressing my exploding emotions.

As if that wasnt enough,
after we walked past Cheers[ the one at the interchange, not near old chang kee]
we saw them going out of the interchange towards the NTUC shop there.
i caught an eyelock each from her and that guy.
Mars, san, liao wei were like Oops.
and my face was black as rotten blood.

but luckily it didnt show up from outside
i'd have released a tendril barrage devastator in anger if i had mercer's power.


i am tired of being high for a moment and smacked on the ground for next 99 hours.




It happens all the time.
Shit.




Control yourself, vin. U gotta try, at least.