But look at what I am doing now.
Pondering about stuff again.
Hey bloggie (been a while since I last greeted you)
They say if you have to love someone, you have to accept her with all your heart.
Accept who she is,
Embrace who she was,
And grab hold of who she will be.
I'm feeling a bit hesitant now.
Maybe it's not her.
Yes it never is.
It's me.
Maybe I'm just feeling neglected.
Maybe I'm just desperate for attention.
Maybe I'm just afraid.
Maybe I'm just incompetent.
After holding up for so long, I could never expect that I'm opening up again.
Even opening up without fear.
Faster than ever.
But the fact that I still don't know what she was like, at all,
Echoed a voice from inside of me.
"hey, are you not giving in too much again? Falling too deeply too early again?"
I know I may be.
And I have no intention to stop.
I'm just... Wondering.
Whether what it says is true.
What people say it's right.
As a guy I can't give in too much.
At least not more than the girl.
I can't make myself look desperate,
Or she will be repelled by my excessive insecurities.
I should not be the one to give more attention.
I should not trust too early.
The one who gives more in a relationship will be the one with more heartaches.
But.
I chose to ignore all that.
I'm just a weird guy.
I'm ALWAYS like the girl.
Never the guy.
What's with me and insecurities anyway?
It's like I can't get them off me.
They stick like a parasite, feeding off its host. Me.
Right now,
I'm just afraid.
What if I can't meet that standard?
What if I screw up again?
What if I can't accept her?
What if I will end up desperate again?
What if we don't work out?
What if I lose this important person, for the rest of my life?
She's my first. That's for sure.
And I know I may not be hers.
Right now that's what's been killing me the most.
Don't ask me why.
I don't even know myself.
I don't even know what I'm doing,
Or what I'm feeling sometimes.
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