I am.. Really sorry..

I'm sorry, for not mentioning this to you earlier..


For the past an hour or two, actually I've been reading your blog's archives.
For my own pleasure, well, initially...


Then...
Somehow, I understood the sentence that sentence that you told me on our first date.
"Reading your private blog made me feel your pain."


And now,
I'm sorry.
For being so intrusive.



...
I dunno where to start.
..

This feeling, it's choking, it's overwhelming.
You're asleep now, I bet.



I mean,
Look at me.
Even on our first date, I took you to the place that already reminded you of your past.
Of someone who once had everything inside your heart.
Of someone who once was your most treasured.
Of someone you could never forget.


You said it.
No matter what, a memory can never be erased.
And maybe when we were there, all your memories came torrenting in your head.
What have I done...



You know, sometimes I wonder.
What did you see in me.

Did you look for the characteristics of the one you have loved before in me?
Did you see me as a replacement?
Or did you see me as I am?

I am nothing. I have told you before.
I am not good-looking.
I don't have a good figure.
I am not that smart.
I am way too emotional for a guy.
I am mentally weak.
I can't control my feelings.
I act like a small kid.
I am always a male friend to a girl. Never more.

I really don't know what it is about me that make you wanna stay. Now that I have read your archives..


Because when I see you,
Starting from that starry night in the playground,
I see a wonderful being.
I see my happiness.
I see the one.
And nothing else, nothing, no one.
Nothing in my head is able to comprehend you.
You are... someone new, with something new for me to experience with.

And I was so happy when you first said to me "kamu kan punya ku".
Again on the same playground.
Although on different dates.
Never thought that anyone would ever say that to me.



I am sorry.
I am such a fool.





You wrote to me once,
That you noticed that I looked unhappy whenever he was mentioned.
No, not that I am not happy with you mentioning.


I am... afraid.
Because to me, mentioning someone from your past love can only mean one thing.
You still think about him/her.
You have not completely got over him/her.


This is why I don't ever wanna mention about my pasts.
Because I am over them.
And I meant what I said, I don't feel awkward with someone I have let go from the past if the feeling's completely gone.
It always happens to me.


And that is what I am afraid of.
That you still remember.
That you may not have let go of everything.
And that while we're going through all this,
I may not be the only one inside your head.
And your heart.


But what I fear the most,
Is that I'm gonna lose you...
That I may never make you happy.
Not in the way that he ever did.



From the way you wrote...
Yeah, you were blissfully happy with him.
Your loss was devastating.


And I feel.. completely unworthy.
Utterly belittled.
Extremely useless..


It's like.. probably one day you're gonna wake up,
Encounter something that reminds you of anything close to it again during the day,
And realise that I can never make you as happy. Ever.
And if that day comes.
I have to let you go.


I don't want to..
I really don't...
But if that happens, I have to....

'Cause even if you're my only one, I may not be, for you.









I..
I'm sorry.
I have no rights to say anything.
If you still wanna remember, if you still feel,
It's up to you.
:)




And I understand if you are angry with me after you read this.
You can even go away if you want.
But no, I am not letting you go.
I can't find a reason to.
Why would I let go of my only one?





I'm sorry..
If all I ever do is to make you upset time and again...
I wanna change.
I wanna make you happy.
I wanna paint your expression, with a smile that I draw.
I wanna give you everything that I am.



I'm sorry...
But I love you.