Soulmate?

31 October 2009, 2.15am



Some people may say that I'm too young for this.
Some people may tell me that it's not the right time yet to think of this thing. O Level Exam is still around.
Some may even say I'm being blinded my own feelings, aka INFATUATED.



But later on this day I found out another thing,
"You may even find your soulmate at 8 or 80 years old. It's unexpected."



Yea, life is unexpected indeed.
How would i expect someone I've been dying for, someone I've put before myself but ended creating a hole in my chest, someone I thought was another person who only tricked me for the subsequent times, turned out to be my soulmate?



It's not confirmed that what I feel about this soulmate thing is true, but I finally found out that our feeling is somehow [not TOTALLY, though] mutual.

What I felt:
From Liaowei: "She may be attached with a boyfriend, but you are like the soulmate. Boyfriend and soulmate are two different thing."


What she said:
"..I told my friend about how i felt about you, she said like soulmate like that ^^.."




So, isn't it?





And I've actually learnt something new, and I'm glad about this.
I yearn not for being in a relationship, but just for someone who can understand me as much as I could about her, and someone who reciprocates my feeling.
Not like some [AHEM =P, sorry Mars, I could only think about u] who wants a relationship quite badly.
But that's actually the point where I learnt.
In the end a relationship is not what a human wants. Love is.
When and where he will discover it, let fate decides. =D




Anyway, I realise that I may not end up spending my life with my soulmate. In fact, she is planning to spend hers with her guy now.
Hehe guess I'd be moving on too.
But one thing I can see changing in my life.
I used to believe I can only love and devote to one person.
Now I know that no matter how much I say I'll love my next girl, I know that she would have occupied the most colourful parts of my heart.


Because after all, my life's true happiness lies with my soulmate.












Although soulmates may not be one,
But as the saying goes "the first one creates the most impact"
Right? =D

l told myself time and again that it was all an illusion but...

"..lend me your shoulder :))"


"Be here with me for a while.."


"after two months of holiday u cant forget? Sure u can. I even think that u alr now :("


"..someone taught me not to worry of unnecessary things when u cant do anything abt it. U must get what i mean."


"hope u can get to sleep earlier today ^^ God bless you ^^ good night"


":( be okay soon ^^"


"i understand your situation the most okay.."


"..and now both of us lose smt that is more worthy than love :))"


"U love someone and that person doesnt return your LöVE is still much happier than u LöVE her and believe she loves u as well,"


"....Letting the feelings go for me is easy, but letting the memories will be terrifying ..."


"^^ i dont know how u feel but talking like this is very nice,"


I really could see some bloody illusions again.
I think I'm again disillussioned with my own feelings.
Deja Vu, as they say.



Anw,I've learnt something new.
"Watch your words, 'cause they can either mean the world to some people, or hell to some others."
In this case, your words are painfully pleasant to feel.
Some of what u said is quite true...

It may be true that loving someone who doesnt reciprocate ur feeling [san, for example] is better than loving someone when believing that she loves u back [me].

And, I wonder what is more important than love itself?
Cause my feeling of love currently cant be compared to other feelings I had. I'd do many things, if not everything, for my own love.








But again, this is all just my illusion, I know.
What I thought u feel was probably different from the real one.
ARGHHHHH
VIN! DON'T GET DISILLUSIONED AGAIN!










But I can't help it.
This is a feeling that I thought was gone forever.
Now that I got the chance to sip some of it again,
I don't think I'm gonna just let my so-called well of life slip away again.

It'll be gone sooner or later, I know.
But the heart of mine doesnt give a damn.
It wont let go of the thing it desires the most.



Please, my heart, let go.
I can't control u. Not even with the combined effort of my mind and myself.
You're too strong in this situation.
So I'm begging u now.
Please let go of this seemingly-everlasting feeling.













Although I know it's hard as hell, I'll promise we'll work towards it together...

I only wanna end this year with good things.

I don't wanna end this year in this way with u.

You're now so cold to me. You make me feel as if I'm a stranger to you, and that NOTHING has happened to us.
I don't really mind about the latter, but about the former part, I can't really take it.

I apologise for avoiding you for a while but, won't I have a chance to become even normal friends now?
I wanna end my year in 4e1 with everyone as at least my friend,
but you, you don't even give me a chance to start all over again as a classmate.


Whenever I try to smile when talking to you, you give me a black face.
Whenever I use the slightest chance to strike a conversation, you show me an indifferent attitude.
But ironically, in sms you sound so friendly to me.
Why are you being so fake?
I'm being truthful here.

True, my wounds deep inside my chest have not healed yet, and I'm yet to finish closing up the invisible gaping hole between my ribs.
But I made a promise to myself that this thing shouldn't even happen to us. At the very least I have to let you go as a friend.

Once again let me reiterate, I don't wanna think of you as someone who cuts deep scars inside my heart and someone who tears apart the hole in my heart again after closing it.
Because all the things that have happened between us, all the feelings and emotions and pain I took in, actually came from within myself.
It was precisely because I took all the things you did to me [and maybe, for me] wrongly. I was mistaken.
I thought finally you were the right one for me, the person I've been waiting for to heal my weary heart. But I guess you have never thought that way about me. All you ever thought of me was just someone to confide in, in case there's nobody else for you to turn around [and ONLY when there REALLY is nobody else].
With all the 'signs' and 'green lights' you've showed me all along, I was again mistaken.
And I'm sorry. Truly.

I'm sorry for blaming you, even if it's just slightly or indirectly.
I'm sorry for showing how easily hurt I was.
I'm sorry for making you think that you've hurt me.
I'm sorry for hogging all useless spaces in your mind.
I'm sorry for adding to your already-mountainous stress.
I'm sorry for loving you in the first place.
And I'm sorry for existing in your life, although ironically stumbling upon you during my journey in life is currently the best thing that ever happened to me.


And even with all the things I've written here, words can't describe how sorry I am still.
I'll just wanna wish you all the best things for you in life. May Happiness and Fortune always bestow upon you.
And I guess I'll move on to my journey again. I thought this was my last stop, but maybe I gotta take another train to the next one. Hehe.
I'll wish you luck in your journey as well.
If destiny allows, may we cross our paths again some day.







*Argh, O level is 8 days more. And why I'm thinking this way?*

Issues.

It feels that it's been long since I stopped by, bloggie. So I guess it's time to fill some things in, don't you think? xD

First thing first, prelim result.
Wasnt that bad.

English A2
HML B3 [miracles xD]
Combined Humanities B4
A math A1
E math A1
Biology B3 [fuck that]
Physics A1
Chemistry A1

So L1R5 is 7, from 10 minus 3 pts of HMT and CCA.
Dang, cant enter NJC. Argghhh....



Actually not bad. I studied and concentrated pretty good.
At least not because of thinking of her.
The feeling can at least be tamed now.
TAMED, not ERASED.
And it actually came back again.

I saw a note of her relationship anniversary. 2 years has it been for both of them.
And I thought it wasn't a big deal for me. "I've gotten over her anyway," I thought.
I was wrong.
It opened the patch on my left side of the chest, into a gaping hole once again.
I felt a sudden twinge of pain.
Just that, it wasn't sudden and brief. It lasted.
Lasted until days afterwards. Even now.
I was just so, so fortunate that I discovered it after Prelim exam.

But then again, another problem arises.
O level is coming.
And i'm yet to regain my study-mode.
I procrastinate as much as I want, not bothering about anything else except my laptop and Internet.

Which leads to another issue I'm having right now.
All these laziness I'm experiencing is maybe an aftermath of the re-opening of the virtual hole on my left chest.
I lost all the mood in almost everything, except for relaxing, and slacking.
Even for basketball. I almost lost the desire for the sport I love the most.
Only today, I couldn't fulfill it.
Just about I regained my feeling for it, THE RAIN CAME DOWN SHOWERING THE EARTH.
Damn it, the weather was perfect for outdoor activities before. Damn, DAMN!!!!

A saturday without basketball, just felt really, really weird for me.



Okay, ahem, so, coming back to the issue.
My old traumatising experience came back to haunt me again.
After the holiday, actually, the pain was covered up. And it didn't bother me unless I thought of it at night especially. But even then, I didn't even think much of it.
It certainly gave me an impression that it finally let me go, and I finally got over you.

But now, look at the state I'm in again.
I'm in for another bumpy ride.
The pain, the emptiness, the restlessness, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lost, the emotion, the feeling.
They're all back, stronger than ever before, ready to pummel me hard on the ground, preventing me from going further.
They're all ready to drag me down the Hell.

Why? What have I done to receive such treatments?
What have I accomplished that caused my own self to be in so much, so deep of trouble?


Girls, love, hatred, the fake-ness of everything, the competitiveness of humans.
It all makes me sick.
Wish i could get on soon. Haha.

Well, in fact, I'm never getting to next life now.
Since I won't move on anyway, why not fight those hordes, barbaric feelings who are trying so hard to pin me down?
It's a Now-Or-Never situation.
O-level Exam, big time, bloggie.


So yeah, rather than being subdued by these 'animals' ? Why don't I try to turn the tide?



Now it's not the matter of What or Why. It's a question of How.


Tuhan, Mother Nature, would Thou be so kind and generous to give me a fraction of your spiritual guidance?
But still, that's just LITTLE BIT.
The 99.9% of the work, still depends on me.





Let's roll.

Nakama? Comrades? Friends?

You know what comes to my mind everytime I watch or read One Piece?


It's the strength of friendship in the people, especially in Strawhat Crew.



The way they keep their friendship for so long, and so strong never ceases to amaze me.
It always have me wishing to be a part of their friendship and brotherhood, or at least, have people who would stand by me as much as I would stand by them.

Well, not that I am really sure if I can stand up for my comrades for much, now.
But I can tell you that if I really found such 'nakama' in life, I'll protect them with my life, should theirs come in danger.


But then again, it's just anime. One Piece originated from a mind of someone right? The mangaka, Eichiro Oda.
So it's not as if all the bonds I encountered in the series were all in real life.
Afterall, it's just like a fairytale. They don't happen in reality.

Often, I am not good at many things. I just become a bystander for my pals.
I dont know if I have ever met people outside of my family who would care about me as much as I would care about them. But I certainly can't see that.
I mean, everyone I knew. I mean, everyone, already had their best friends.
They consider only ONE as best friend. Others, maybe much less than good friend.

I consider all my best 'nakama' equally. None are above the others. It's just that none reciprocated my feeling.
Even in love issue.
The feelings to me are all fake. As lasting as thin air, while mine had always been true and heart-wrenching to erase.

But who cares about love.

If I could have friends or comrades as faithful and fun as those in Strawhat Crew,
I wouldn't care for anything more, except maybe my family.
The rest of the world can rot in hell for all we care, but we gotta stick together and survive any ordeals on our adventure.

But hey, that's IF Strawhat Crew or comrades as faithful as them exist in real life.
Since it only happens in One Piece world,
that means it can never happen.
And so that means I can only dream of that.
Forever, on my own.

Influence from games.

Sometimes [no, OFTEN], I feel very disgusted at myself.

Because I keep running away from the facts.
And try to cover the bad ones with others.


Like I try to spend more time with other girls.
Not that I am a playboy or a damn flirt who would do this all day.
But unintentionally I do this to get over Huyen, who I want to at least put the thought on hiatus until end of exam.
For instance, these 2 days I spent my days studying with Danfeng and some group of friends.

I knew very well that I ain't interested in her for a few reasons.
1). Some personalities in us just can't go beyond friends.
2). Kinglam is my good friend, Zul as well. Both may still have feelings for her, though they say they're getting over it. But I'll still feel bad u see.
3). For sure she doesnt like me. That's very obvious in my eyes. hahaha.



Nevertheless, I still do like to spend time with her.
I thought I could forget about Huyen by doing this.








I can't.







I realise that no matter how I try, in the end I can't do it.
To think that this week I made an improvement, cause I nv have any contact at all, virtually or in real.

Yesterday, in school, Danfeng and I browsed through facebook. We had fun laughing at others' or my profile and making jokes.
But,
then we stumbled on her profile.
I saw a new photo added [actually have a lot of photos added, but only one have a significant impact on me].

It was a group photo of her, the boyfriend, and the group.
There was nothing wrong at all with the rest,
except that at the bottom there was her photo and him laughing happily, hugging each other.

Danfeng: Oops. Ok, scroll to next photo.
Me: Haha. what Oops.

[Oh, anw, Danfeng knew abt us. Though just little bit.Like those bitches who spread it around ==]


Thats what I call disgusting.
Hiding it all.
Actually I managed to hold it up,
Until that evening at home, I saw it again...


I just feel that I want Alex Mercer's power, to kill some people for real.
Damn bloody Prototype, cant let me have fun even once. Fucking lag on my comp.
Dunno why my laptop's so suck.


Not only that.
I want his power to hurt myself.
I dunno why.
Every time I saw they two, I felt I wanna stab my own body repeatedly.
Normal people's response should be wanting to either stab him or her right.
Haha.
Like this day,

there was one day, when the situation was still not as bad, was still between good and now,
huyen was like going to 145 bustop alone, to go home like usual.
then me, mars lw, san like saw her.
they three were like encouraging me to go send her home or something. or at least
just meet her before she goes home. just 2 of us.

i was reluctant at first,
but in the end i believed it was worth a try.
so yea i did and i saw her like standing in the staircase opposite red circle. so i was like a bit happy, preparing words to say or something.
i thought she was alone. but as i got nearer,

i notice she actually was facing the guy.
he was sitting on the stairs.
just tat it was blocked from the view when i was still far frm it.
so with shame and a grudging mix of anger and disappointment [oh, and a hope that she didnt see me], i turned back and went back to 3 of them,
expressing my exploding emotions.

As if that wasnt enough,
after we walked past Cheers[ the one at the interchange, not near old chang kee]
we saw them going out of the interchange towards the NTUC shop there.
i caught an eyelock each from her and that guy.
Mars, san, liao wei were like Oops.
and my face was black as rotten blood.

but luckily it didnt show up from outside
i'd have released a tendril barrage devastator in anger if i had mercer's power.


i am tired of being high for a moment and smacked on the ground for next 99 hours.




It happens all the time.
Shit.




Control yourself, vin. U gotta try, at least.

If this is the way =.=

Sometimes I wonder if I express myself too much.
I mean, I just like to let things that bother me all out. It's not being me if I bottle up my feelings. It just feels uncomfortable.



Like today, my parents think I am stressed =.=
Cause I told my mom [yes, all-out], that my roommate has been disturbing my sleep with his early wake every day, especially holiday, when I could use some extra sleeping period.
My dad, apparently thought I was depressed because of this.
Then he told me what to do next, bla3x, even to the point of blaming me because I always sleep late and scolded me.
Intentional or not, it fed me up.


I know he was just concerned. But let me get this straight.

First thing first, I know what to do next [YOU! watch out]
Secondly, I was confused if what I said really sounded like depressed-mode.
Last but not least, I AM NOT STRESSED TO THE POINT THAT I'LL NEGLECT MY STUDY AND THEN FAIL MY O LEVEL.




Now, this had me thinking again.
Is the way I present myself can make people misunderstand me so easily? Even my parents, who supposedly and self-claimedly said they knew best could misunderstand me.
Oh yeah, after all [yes, I keep forgetting this], I need to master THE ART OF SHUTTING-THE-FUCK-UP.
Since most things I say irritate people around me.

Damn it, must I really give an indifferent attitude so that people can't misunderstand me? =.='










OK, this is just an additional post.



THIS GODDAMN POST IS NOT ORIGINAL ANYMORE. NOT WHAT I FEEL ANYMORE.
IT WAS 2ND VERSION.
THE FIRST FUCKING VERSION WAS SUDDENLY GONE WHEN I PRESS ENTER.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKINGLY SAVED AS DRAFT BUT THIS DAMN WEBSITE JUST HAD THIS GODDAMN PROBLEM.
U DAMN WEBSITE, NOW I CANT EXPRESS MY FEELINGS CORRECTLY.
CIBAI NGENTOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK


I GONNA GO SLEEP. UR PRESENCE MAKE ME IRRITATED. THERE GOES MY STUDY MOOD AND SPIRIT.


FIRST MY BLOODY ATTITUDE FROM MY ROOMMATE, THEN THIS FUCKINGLY-FUCKING WEBSITE.




I WONDER WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GONNA END.



















Damn you. If not because of the archives of my forbidden feelings, I'd have annihilated you to the deepest part of Hell instead.
Bastard.














Anyway, you see. This is me. I express things in words. Then my mood-meter will return from bad to normal.
Wonder why people think I am goddamn stressed =='