Being stationary. For the worse.

At the crossroad.
Where everything is wrong.


You move forward, backward.
Both are mistakes.
Even not moving is wrong.


Right now,
Everything I say, everything I do.
Is all trash.


If I say something, I surely would say something hurtful, menacing.
If I don't say anything, well, it'd just lead to, nothing.
Nothing would have changed for the better.

If I do something, I'd just end up aggravating the condition.
If I don't, everything would just fall apart, and deteriorate.



You see, doing nothing has consequences too.



Running away, well, we all know it never solves the problem.
There's this compulsive, oppressive, obstinate desire to either punch something, screaming, or smoke.


I just did one of them on the spot.
Yep, I didn't get better. Those are just temporary painkillers.



So tell me now,
What's next?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hey.

I'm back.


And I have a feeling that I'll be here for a while now.


There's this urge to dig up my already filled-up abyss of emptiness and void.

Crippled. Disabled.

I'm weak.
I've always been the weaker party, emotionally.



Always the dependent one.
Always the one ending up undergoing self-destruction.



For this time,
Just this time,
I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to be the one who's able to keep us together.
I'm trying not to be the one falling apart all the time, every time.
I don't wanna make myself look this miserable, like a burden to you.


But at this rate,
At this point where my schoolwork is like shit,
I'm also breaking apart mentally.
I'm telling you, bloggie. I've never been so hopeless, clueless, helpless academically before.



Now I'm just sailing blindly in a stormy seas.
The ocean has swallowed away my compass, my map.
The dark, luminous clouds are blocking away the sunlight and the moonlight.
The hard pouring rain obstructing my vision.
I'm only letting my life drifting away.
My oar is broken too.
What's the use of oar anyway?
It's not like it can be used to move myself against this massive current.
And even if I can move,
Where can I go to?
Everywhere I see is pitch black.
Not a single glimpse of light around me.

Now I'm tempted to just jump out of this cage to submerge myself under the sea.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
In this transparent box.
Floating away.
Aimlessly.
Lifelessly.



And all I can do is pray, and scream for myself to hear.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Random sparks in my head.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, or even dreaming peacefully by now.


But look at what I am doing now.

Pondering about stuff again.





Hey bloggie (been a while since I last greeted you)


They say if you have to love someone, you have to accept her with all your heart.

Accept who she is,
Embrace who she was,
And grab hold of who she will be.



I'm feeling a bit hesitant now.
Maybe it's not her.
Yes it never is.

It's me.



Maybe I'm just feeling neglected.
Maybe I'm just desperate for attention.
Maybe I'm just afraid.
Maybe I'm just incompetent.



After holding up for so long, I could never expect that I'm opening up again.
Even opening up without fear.
Faster than ever.



But the fact that I still don't know what she was like, at all,
Echoed a voice from inside of me.

"hey, are you not giving in too much again? Falling too deeply too early again?"


I know I may be.
And I have no intention to stop.



I'm just... Wondering.
Whether what it says is true.



What people say it's right.
As a guy I can't give in too much.
At least not more than the girl.
I can't make myself look desperate,
Or she will be repelled by my excessive insecurities.

I should not be the one to give more attention.
I should not trust too early.
The one who gives more in a relationship will be the one with more heartaches.



But.
I chose to ignore all that.
I'm just a weird guy.
I'm ALWAYS like the girl.
Never the guy.



What's with me and insecurities anyway?
It's like I can't get them off me.
They stick like a parasite, feeding off its host. Me.



Right now,
I'm just afraid.
What if I can't meet that standard?
What if I screw up again?
What if I can't accept her?
What if I will end up desperate again?

What if we don't work out?
What if I lose this important person, for the rest of my life?

She's my first. That's for sure.

And I know I may not be hers.

Right now that's what's been killing me the most.

Don't ask me why.

I don't even know myself.

I don't even know what I'm doing,

Or what I'm feeling sometimes.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yeah, maybe, no.

Maybe I want it.

Maybe I don't.

No I think I want it.

Wait, or maybe I don't.



And this keeps going all over again inside my head.
Which one is for sure? I don't know.
I still can't figure it out.


But what I know,

Is that you make me happy.
And a bunch of other simple things.



The mere mention of your name,
The mere flash of thoughts about you,
The beeping of the text message notifications from you,
The time that we spent together, singing under the stars in the windy night,

They all put a smile on my face.



Maybe I don't want this feeling,
Maybe I don't want this to happen at all.


But the last time I rejected a chance, it proved to be bad for me.


Maybe I'll just keep things simple.
Maybe I'll just let nature takes its course for now.

But still,
Maybe I wanna make you smile, likewise.
Maybe I wanna make you the most important person in my life,
Maybe I wanna make you feel like a princess every day,
Maybe I wanna be the one who remembers stuff about you that nobody else knows.
Maybe I wanna be the one who cares for you the most.
Maybe I just wanna let my feelings out for you.
Maybe I just want you in my life.



Maybe I don't want them all.
Or maybe I do.


Here we go.
Back to square one of the argument.




But maybe,
You'll never feel about me the same way that I do about you.
Maybe a FRIEND is all I can ever be.
Forever.
All the time.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Another to add to my collection of scars.

I've had many.

Just like tattoos, they serve me an important purpose,

To remind myself what would happen whenever I take my steps.

And this, is the story of how I get my newest.

It was April 8th 2011, about 10:40am

I was waiting for the release of my PW result.

I was feeling pretty excited. Even more excited than nervous.

Realising everyone in my group looked nervous, I decided to calm them down and give them some confidence.

I gave them each a High-5s.

And when the result was released, nobody moved first.

So I went to retrieve my mark.

It was totally something I did not expect.

I got a B instead of an A.

I was a bit taken aback, but went on to think of what would have gone wrong.

Then I shrugged that thought, jumping to an early conclusion that it could have been my OP.

I screwed up my "R" pronunciation after all.

But that was not the end, yet.

I asked the rest one by one,

And yes, all the guys got A.

Except me.

I was feeling astounded.

What the hell?!

I'm the only one?!

Again, that was not the end.

I realised, for another time, that EVERYONE in my group got a B.

Except for one person.

Yes, and that included me.

And to finish it all, there are only 7 people in the class who got a B.

And my group has got more than half of it.

Instantly, Hui Ying sat and broke down.

Jia Yi was speechless.

Li Shi seemed to have resigned to fate already.

Marc was happy. Of course, he got an A.

Meanwhile, I was in a bath of mixed feeling.

Devastation, Astonishment, Disappointment, Stunned, Anxiety, Pessimism, Sorrow.

They were all brewing inside me.

I just sat down, mouth shut tight, face expressionless.

I felt so tight inside, I had a feeling I would explode soon.

So I headed outside, to the toilet.

But nothing happened.

I couldn't even let it out.

I was still too shaken to express it out.

Then I came back.

I put on an indifferent face.

And then the cohort was dismissed back to resume lessons.

I stormed off first,

And after some time, only did I realise my PM was tailing me.

She then called me and brought me to some remote study corner and somehow "forced" me to talk it out.

I first put on a smile, a fake smile.

Still trying to joke around.

And then I swear I saw tears welled up in her eyes,

I guess she saw through me. Through my fortress, my hard shell.

She figured out what I actually was going through deep inside.

And then, that was when I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer anymore.

I burst out in tears. Finally.

It was brief. Maybe only a few minutes.

But it felt kinda relieving.

Stuff I couldn't express in words, my tears took it from me.

But again, that was not yet over.

Even as I underwent some exercise during PE,

Even as I forced myself with some work-out in the college gym,

Even as I pushed myself for some jogging,

The fact that I was wondering how could the whole group entirely got wiped out in Bs, still lingered at the back of my mind, refusing to stop sticking around.

And actually, even after I reached my comfort zone at home,

I couldn't get over the pain.

Worse still, people around me are all getting As.

Okay, maybe except a few fellas who were in the same state as I was.

The concern that they were showing were all just fake, and short-lived.

Concerns are just concerns.

Who are you to say that you understand what I'm feeling?

And that's just that.

Even until now,

The pain has not healed up.

Okay, maybe the gaping hole's closing up,

But the feeling? No.

The scars have been engraved.

Let this be another mark for me.

To remember that this is not what I should settle for.

To remember that I have got to take the remaining ones more seriously.

To remember that I have to, at all cost, avoid this feeling and moment ever again.

Am I in fear of another one? Yes. Definitely.

Would I let myself meet another moment like this? No.

Absolutely not.

This scar will not disappear.

And I'll ultimately stop being in fear.

Over you.

Finally.

Sure, I miss what I had with you.

But heck, it was 3-4 years ago.

It's not even the same now.

I find that you're more annoying sometimes.

And I've never been more sure that finally,

Yes, after such a long ponder,

I'm so over you.