So that's why.

I guess I've figured out a bit why I'm feeling so down about it.



When I had no intention of pursuing and just loving from the distance,
She invited me to come.



When I said to myself that I wouldn't be a nuisance to her and the guy after I got closer,
She left him [for sometimes only, after I realised] and came to me, though I wasn't sure for what.



When I told myself again not to get tempted and interfere with both of them,
She texted me, with things like 'I miss u :)' and 'i miss u, u know :)' [OH YES I DO REMEMBER ALL OF THEM, EXACTLY.]
What was that for?
Don't bullshit me with stuff like 'just friends stuff' etc.
Cause even primary school children know it wasn't that way.
Damn.




So I then decided to take a plunge, thinking that after all my hardwork, my wait, my sweat and tears, my broken heart,
They were all worth..









I was SO wrong....







When I came closer [this time by my own accord],

She showed me that,
she never loves anyone other than that guy
She never missed anyone more than him
There will be no one in her heart, mind and soul other than one guy.



And when I thought HOPED that it was finally me,
I discovered that it wasn't...





Turned out I was,
Nothing more than a heal for her every time she got hurt.
If she was happy with this guy,
She won't care with me at all [even with all those 'signs' she already gave to me].
Only when the guy doesn't want her for a while,
Then she came to me.






What am I? A substitute?
Something which is useful only a while, then throw it away ?




Why didn't I figure out earlier?
Why was I tricked again?
Why did I let myself to be used, to be played, again and again ????








But that wasn't the weirdest thing yet. No.
It's the question WHY I still keep coming back to you, despite all the pain and hurt you gave me.









Why can't I give up, not even for once?

Thanks, but...

Buddies,


I appreciate your support for me. I really do.



When you saw his photo, some of you, two of you, to be exact, said he is not handsome, like monkey, I am better, and etc.
And the rest seemed to be in agreement..



You all know what, it's BAD, real BAD you said it this way, though I never expressed it outrightly. He didn't do anything wrong to you guys to be humiliated by you.



Either way, it doesn't matter at all.
He may not handsome,
He may be full of flaws,

But he's got someone, a girl whom I treat as my world :)





And that alone, was comparable to nothing else. Nothing.





Though you all kept saying I am much better,
Without her, I am as incomplete and full of flaws as an unfinished artpiece, not worth admiring :)



She made a difference in each of my and his life.

PERFECT difference for him,


Perfectly devastating for me.


=)

Where?

"If there's a place in the world right now, where would you wanna be?"


Not a rare qn to ask right?


But right now, I just wanna be at FTPSS basketball court...with my ball and myself, playing alone in the middle of the night...


Cause whenever I'm down,
Whenever I'm emotional,
Whenever I need time alone,


The sound of the dribble ball,
The swish if the ball when it goes through the basket,
The creaking sound of basketball shoes against the court,
Could give me some peace, where all else fail..


Whenever love problems crop up,
The feeling of playing like Chauncey Billups or Steve Nash cools me down



Whenever something bad happens to me at school,
The feeling of being a Point Guard for my team sends soothing thumps through all my veins.



Even though I ain't very good at it,
Although others are so much better than me,
Although there is still much of my skills to be improved,
Even though I know I can never make basketball my career,




Is basketball a piece of my life afterall????

Steve Nash. Once my role model, always a role model.

Steve Nash isn't a new name for my ears.



I got to know him from an NBA Live I-forgot-which-year during primary school days with my long lost best friend, Michael.



At that point of time, Nash was a good partner of Dirk Nowitzki in Dallas Mavericks.



The next I saw his name was in my Indo secondary schoolmate's handphone. His bluetooth name.


Few weeks later I saw his photo in the newspaper, already transferred from Dallas Mavericks to Phoenix Suns.

At that moment, I was still into soccer, though I am not sure yet if I like it better than basketball.


And then last year. When I finally decided it was basketball that I like, with my teammates and brothers, I was decided into being a point guard position.
And when I needed a guide to improve myself, the name STEVE NASH came popping into my mind again. This time more seriously.



I searched for his videos, I watched him play,
The way he passes ball to Stoudemire, the way he executes Pick n Roll, the way he coordinates his champion team that year (which I had missed),

Without realising it, he has become my first role model in basketball.





Though Phoenix Suns is not as good as it was,
Though they failed to make it into Playoff this year,
Though new stars are rising every day,
Though people say the good old nash is going down soon,


In my heart, Steve, I just wanna let you know that I'll be always your loyal fan 'till the day you walk out of the basketball world.


And I just wanna thank you for inspiring me to be always improving as a point guard.




Though we dunno each other,
Though we've never met,
And though we belong in two different worlds.