Living a life of irony.

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"

Some say "My life is bullshit."

Some complain "My life is a joke."

I say, my life is an irony.

Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.

I say I love my parents, my family, my God.

But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,

But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,

But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,

But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,

Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,

But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.

I really, really want to understand you,

Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,

I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".

And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.

Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,

Or because I just am not worthy,

Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.

Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.

I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.

Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...

Hate.

Such a strong word to use.
But it seems proper currently.



I may be able to accept defeat.
But still I hate to lose.



I hate to lose out physically,
I hate to lose out academically,
I hate to lose out in maturity,
I hate to lose out in relationships,
And I hate to realise how much I hate to lose.






I'm a 19-year-old with nothing, no clue on what to do for the love of my life.
I'm a weird 19-year-old with no experience.
But I'm looking for a chance to do all the stuff together, for the first time.
I hatefully detest to be the one not leading in relationships.
It makes me look like a shit.
Useless, good-for-nothing kind of guy.
And no thanks for my destiny, I always don't seem to find out the girl with my idea of perfect.


Yep, my utopia will never exist.
Neither will my utopian ideals.



Ironically,
I can always put all these thoughts behind.
I can always embrace the new changes.
(although I fucking hate changes too).
I can always overlook my perfect expectations for stuff that matter more.
Or I can always lower my expectations!
Or even change my own ideals!




Yeah, I've put all those thoughts behind, but so what.
Doesn't mean they're not there.
Doesn't mean they won't surface again periodically.
Doesn't mean my ideals have changed!
Doesn't mean I can STOP hating to lose out.





Maybe it's time for me to learn something new.
A new idea that I should have fucking absorbed long ago.


Yes, the world is unfair.
Destiny is never just.
Justice doesn't exist.
Even I now cease to believe in the existence of Karma.



Oh wait, maybe Karma still functions.
I just haven't figured out what I've done wrong in my life.




Wait a minute.
Maybe my utopian ideals are wrong in the first place.
They shouldn't even be alive.
And this, bloggie, is how Karma and Destiny are showing me the punishment for having such wrong ideals.
Guess? Yeah, you got it.



By incinerating everything that I achieve for the sake of my ideals, each and every one of them.




Go on.
Keep crushing them.
My path towards my dream.
My own mentality.
My own academic.
My own physique.
My own love.
All of them.

And the only ones that remain,
Are my motivation, my dream, and my life.

And let me tell you bitch,
If you intend to annihilate the rest,
I beg you, please, just quickly destroy the last one, right away.

But of course,
WHY WOULD THEY LISTEN TO MY PLEA?
Heh.

Being stationary. For the worse.

At the crossroad.
Where everything is wrong.


You move forward, backward.
Both are mistakes.
Even not moving is wrong.


Right now,
Everything I say, everything I do.
Is all trash.


If I say something, I surely would say something hurtful, menacing.
If I don't say anything, well, it'd just lead to, nothing.
Nothing would have changed for the better.

If I do something, I'd just end up aggravating the condition.
If I don't, everything would just fall apart, and deteriorate.



You see, doing nothing has consequences too.



Running away, well, we all know it never solves the problem.
There's this compulsive, oppressive, obstinate desire to either punch something, screaming, or smoke.


I just did one of them on the spot.
Yep, I didn't get better. Those are just temporary painkillers.



So tell me now,
What's next?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hey.

I'm back.


And I have a feeling that I'll be here for a while now.


There's this urge to dig up my already filled-up abyss of emptiness and void.

Crippled. Disabled.

I'm weak.
I've always been the weaker party, emotionally.



Always the dependent one.
Always the one ending up undergoing self-destruction.



For this time,
Just this time,
I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to be the one who's able to keep us together.
I'm trying not to be the one falling apart all the time, every time.
I don't wanna make myself look this miserable, like a burden to you.


But at this rate,
At this point where my schoolwork is like shit,
I'm also breaking apart mentally.
I'm telling you, bloggie. I've never been so hopeless, clueless, helpless academically before.



Now I'm just sailing blindly in a stormy seas.
The ocean has swallowed away my compass, my map.
The dark, luminous clouds are blocking away the sunlight and the moonlight.
The hard pouring rain obstructing my vision.
I'm only letting my life drifting away.
My oar is broken too.
What's the use of oar anyway?
It's not like it can be used to move myself against this massive current.
And even if I can move,
Where can I go to?
Everywhere I see is pitch black.
Not a single glimpse of light around me.

Now I'm tempted to just jump out of this cage to submerge myself under the sea.
But I can't.
I'm trapped.
In this transparent box.
Floating away.
Aimlessly.
Lifelessly.



And all I can do is pray, and scream for myself to hear.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Random sparks in my head.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, or even dreaming peacefully by now.


But look at what I am doing now.

Pondering about stuff again.





Hey bloggie (been a while since I last greeted you)


They say if you have to love someone, you have to accept her with all your heart.

Accept who she is,
Embrace who she was,
And grab hold of who she will be.



I'm feeling a bit hesitant now.
Maybe it's not her.
Yes it never is.

It's me.



Maybe I'm just feeling neglected.
Maybe I'm just desperate for attention.
Maybe I'm just afraid.
Maybe I'm just incompetent.



After holding up for so long, I could never expect that I'm opening up again.
Even opening up without fear.
Faster than ever.



But the fact that I still don't know what she was like, at all,
Echoed a voice from inside of me.

"hey, are you not giving in too much again? Falling too deeply too early again?"


I know I may be.
And I have no intention to stop.



I'm just... Wondering.
Whether what it says is true.



What people say it's right.
As a guy I can't give in too much.
At least not more than the girl.
I can't make myself look desperate,
Or she will be repelled by my excessive insecurities.

I should not be the one to give more attention.
I should not trust too early.
The one who gives more in a relationship will be the one with more heartaches.



But.
I chose to ignore all that.
I'm just a weird guy.
I'm ALWAYS like the girl.
Never the guy.



What's with me and insecurities anyway?
It's like I can't get them off me.
They stick like a parasite, feeding off its host. Me.



Right now,
I'm just afraid.
What if I can't meet that standard?
What if I screw up again?
What if I can't accept her?
What if I will end up desperate again?

What if we don't work out?
What if I lose this important person, for the rest of my life?

She's my first. That's for sure.

And I know I may not be hers.

Right now that's what's been killing me the most.

Don't ask me why.

I don't even know myself.

I don't even know what I'm doing,

Or what I'm feeling sometimes.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yeah, maybe, no.

Maybe I want it.

Maybe I don't.

No I think I want it.

Wait, or maybe I don't.



And this keeps going all over again inside my head.
Which one is for sure? I don't know.
I still can't figure it out.


But what I know,

Is that you make me happy.
And a bunch of other simple things.



The mere mention of your name,
The mere flash of thoughts about you,
The beeping of the text message notifications from you,
The time that we spent together, singing under the stars in the windy night,

They all put a smile on my face.



Maybe I don't want this feeling,
Maybe I don't want this to happen at all.


But the last time I rejected a chance, it proved to be bad for me.


Maybe I'll just keep things simple.
Maybe I'll just let nature takes its course for now.

But still,
Maybe I wanna make you smile, likewise.
Maybe I wanna make you the most important person in my life,
Maybe I wanna make you feel like a princess every day,
Maybe I wanna be the one who remembers stuff about you that nobody else knows.
Maybe I wanna be the one who cares for you the most.
Maybe I just wanna let my feelings out for you.
Maybe I just want you in my life.



Maybe I don't want them all.
Or maybe I do.


Here we go.
Back to square one of the argument.




But maybe,
You'll never feel about me the same way that I do about you.
Maybe a FRIEND is all I can ever be.
Forever.
All the time.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]