28 January 2016; 0413

The unplanned phone call that I made,

That I made when I finally mustered up my courage,

The courage that I couldn't bear to gather, knowing that there is a huge chance it will go down South,

Because somehow, deep down, I knew that it was gonna go that way.



Yet I did it anyway.

I poured the feelings that I've always had for a while already.

I might have hinted it from things that I've done before that day,

But that was the first time I made my feelings heard loud and clear.



In the movies, things would probably not go down so complicated.

It'd have been a simple yes-or-no kind of topic.

This time, though, it's lying so deep in the middle of the grey area,

A predicament ever so familiar, and a place I've probably been more times than I can remember.



And so here I go again,

Usually what comes next is the internal struggle of whether to hold on or to let go.

Because I know people don't really change the way they view you as a person,

And yet I'm already sinking too deep to just simply drop everything and move on.



The only difference this time though,

Is that I'm surprisingly able to balance my furnace of emotions,

Deep enough so it won't affect me from outside.

But fiery enough so that the feelings can continue to run, even if it's just for a while longer.

Hey there bloggie.



I've been quite an emotional wreck these couple of days.
And during Christmas time too. What a time huh.
When I was supposed to be happy and all too.


So it goes like this.


Remember how I told you that I've finally fallen for someone again, after so long?
Yeah and I did tell you that I was gonna take it easy too didn't I?

I thought I did, honestly.
Until recently.


Basically, I felt that after all the interactions that happened between us for 4 months, give or take,
I thought that we became closer.
And the feelings were starting to get mutual.
So I thought it was finally time to let her know about my feelings, directly.

But that was the problem.
You see, I THOUGHT the feelings were getting mutual.
I was looking at the situations through my own lens of feelings.
Not through the lens of objectivity.
And so when I felt that she's starting to talk like she no longer values me as much,
At first I believed that something was wrong, or at least there was something wrong that I did.

And then I looked back and I realised.
Wait a minute, no.
If I recalled the way she talked to me when we first got to know each other,
It is exactly the same as how she did now.
So in the process, there probably isn't anything hinting to me that there is something more than meets the eye.
No.
It was all in my head.
And forming my own expectations and having them unmet is what probably killed me.

This time I really caused the emotional wreck on my own.

She never asked me to continue talking to her.

She never asked me to be concerned.

She never asked me to be supportive to her. She probably didn't need mine, at the very least.

She never asked my help to stay up until the morning to help her with her work. I wanted that myself.

She never asked me to fall for her.

So what right do I have to want her to reciprocate my feelings?

Exactly.

What she thought of me has probably never changed.

I thought it did. So that's where I am wrong,


Haha you know I felt really stupid.
I told myself in the beginning that I should just take my time and not rush.
Indeed I never did.
But thinking about it now,
In order to save myself from hurting this bad again,
What I should have said to myself is:


"You should've used your head a little more than your heart."

Revelation.

Wow.


Did you just say that all that happened was simply because you felt lonely?


Did you just say that whatever happened was all my mind playing tricks on me?


All those times we spent,
All the things we talked about,
All the feelings we poured out for each other,



You're telling that it was all.. because you simply felt lonely?

None of it was real?



I can't fucking believe it.


I don't want to believe it.


It felt so real.



What the fuck?
I just.
I can't.
I can't even.




Wow.


It was a good closure.
It had a good ending, even if it ain't the best, fairy-tale kind.



Now I'm just disappointed.
And angry.




The more important question though,
If I have truly gotten over it, why do I still get so pissed off?
Is it because that after I thought I had the closure, I kinda framed everything like a nice piece of memory,
And now that I know it wasn't what I thought it was, it kinda destroyed all the meaning behind it?
Or am I just in rage because for this moment I felt that my life had been nothing but a lie?

Closure.

"If I can move on from you, I can move on from anything else."

"I haven't been together with anyone for over a year. But my feelings for you lasted for more than that. I think that meant something."

"Do you remember the time we talked about soul mates?"

"Yeah."

"Wah I'm surprised! Haha I thought you've forgotten everything from that period."

"Hahaha."

Honestly, I never thought of us meeting again, much less hanging out like this.

To be even more honest, I didn't think we could talk about what we felt like it was yesterday.

And of course, I would never expect to let you know that I tried so hard to avoid you to move on from you.

I wasn't even sure if i wanted to see you again after trying so hard to stay away for 5 years from the memories that were etched so deep in my brain.

Really, I was quite taken aback when I caught myself banging the cup on the table after you told me how you ended up splitting with your ex after 6 years.

But then I realised maybe it was just me being angry just like how I would be if one of my friends were to go through something similar. Heh.

Anyway, I guess the fact that you didn't really remember stuff during that period of time kinda saved me from a little embarrassment too. Haha.




This feels like what people would probably call a closure.

Because at least it kinda wraps up things that I didn't have a chance to express the last time I forced myself to let things go.




Thank you, for giving me this opportunity.

And as I have said earlier just now,

No matter how bad things had been sometimes, the good things are what has enabled me to still remember everything.
(Or maybe it's just my excellent memory like you said. Haha.)

I have been thinking that I have moved on for a while already,

But this closure to my innate feelings is what has re-assured me that I truly have.




Good bye for real now, my melodramatic past.

:)

"You could've rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell.

Could've walked away, but you're still here."

It's amusing to me how you seem to always say "it's my honour" whenever I am being nice to you.

When actually, it seems to be the other way around.

From the fact that you still spend some time to:

Talk to me every day, when you're usually so drowning with work, even if just for a couple times a day,

And hang out with me once in a while, when many others would probably want to meet you as well,

It's pretty clear that the honour should actually be mine.

I don't know what I am to you, and I don't know if I ever want to find out.

But you seem to be willing to spare some of your daily precious time for me, and for that I am glad.

Because Time is the most precious commodity that one can spend on.

Ready(?)

I haven't felt so shy looking at someone's pretty eyes and expressions in a long time,

'till I first saw you up close that day in our first band practice together.


I haven't made an effort to keep a conversation going with someone like this in a long time,

'till we first continued talking after a simple birthday wish.


I haven't had butterflies in my stomach being face to face in front of someone in a long time,

'till I met you again as an OGL partner in the camp.


I haven't remembered having this much spectrum of feelings,

'till I caught myself gazing at you during the camp.


I haven't felt so jealous of another guy like this in a long time,

'till I noticed how confident and charismatic he is towards you, and how I then started comparing myself.


I stopped believing that I can still fall in love,

'till I realised how hard I am falling for you.





Hey there bloggie,

It's been a long time coming.
I never thought I'd see the day when I would be able to feel like this way again.
But I'm kinda glad that I do, despite the risk of bloodbath that I'm getting into once again.

Past wound.

Hey there old friend,


I can't believe such an old scar can open up again.
I thought it was gone.


I met up with San, YiChao, and Archie earlier today.
And for some reason, I mentioned that she was my biggest love, still.


Filled up to the brim with melancholy, I decided to re-visit the past.
And as the songs that used to remind me about her, back in 2009, started playing,
I had an urge to open up photos of us together,
Those taken outside a classroom after her dance performance,
Those taken near the canal at the back of her old place.
Not to mention there is an archive of "important messages".
And when I opened the Word document, tears just started welling in my eyes.
My feelings overpowered me,
And my old scars tore apart again.


Why Bloggie, why?

I thought I have gotten over it all.
I thought all I have about her is anything but just pieces of memories, buried inside my head.
How can I still have all this feeling, all these surges of emotions?
How can I, after everything that happened, still wish that we have a chance?!
How can I still be so ready, as much as I know it will never happen, to accept her?


I honestly didn't know why I gave up holding up for her.
I used to think it was the right decision, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe this is another one of my bad mistakes.
Just looking at the remnants of our important conversations, when we defined each other as our soul mates, makes me recall the bliss I found myself in.
And instead of being thankful and persevering, I chose to drop everything, be an asshole, and give up.


Bloggie, can I make a request?
Can you take me back to 2009?
I swear I'll make everything right this time.
I won't give up.
On us.
Please?
Pretty please...?






















This blog existed because of you, dear.
As much as I hate to compare, you are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And seeing I have never seen anyone who I can make such a deep and profound connection with,
You probably will always be my soul mate.
You were my poison, but you were also my muse.
I don't wanna make the same mistakes again, so I won't give up looking for my partner-for-life this time.
But giving up on everything that we had was probably the stupidest thing I have ever committed.
So I hope you're happy and blessed, wherever you go next in life.
Maybe with your stronger, more determined, and truer soul mate.

Love,

Your soul mate from the past.