Lockdown.

I thought, after a while since I last posted here, that I won't need this place ever again.
Because I can finally let go of negative emotions ravaging inside me.


But I'm wrong. As always.



Never expected that I would make this decision so soon.
Although the feeling's been telling me to talk it out for a while.
After all the journey we've had,
I decided to split, feeling like we are not meant for each other.

I expected that it would be really saddening.
But not this depressing.
Not this fatal inside me.


All the negative emotions I thought I had locked away ages ago, now burst back into life.



I know it's for the best.
But it is so hard.
So hard to recover that I don't know where to begin.
She was practically my everything.
And she was practically everywhere.


But I didn't regret a single decision I've made when I decided to follow my heart for her.
It just.. made me learnt about her, and about myself. The hard way.


That I wasn't ready for such long-term commitments.
That I'm pathetically unable to balance school, leisure, and relationship.
That I'm able of doing such cruel, devilish act of breaking someone's heart, something I loathe so much from my past.
Not just someone.
Someone who love me with all her heart, and trust me with all she has.


I'm not even in the mood for anything now.
Although I should probably be studying, or even having my dinner.
I just wanna cry myself to sleep.
Or punch, and/or break something.



It's so tempting to type "I miss you" and send to her now..
The separation is so strong and it's overwhelming me and breaking me apart.



I know it has to end sooner or later.
I know this is for the best.
I know this bad feeling will all fade away in time.
But it is just so hard to accept that this has to finally end.

"You'll fail at interviews!"

Thanks, Dad.

All those years of constructing my confidence painfully.

Turned into rubble, just like that.

All those years of mentally convincing myself that I can pass a medical school interview.

Vanished, just like that.

You said you don't hope for me to become a businessman like you,

And that for one to truly wanna excel in businesses, the concept itself must be rooted inside him.

Pfft. Yeah right.

Yet all you did this morning was telling me how to deal in businesses, definitions in businesses, how I totally suck about it and how I will NEVER be able to manage a business on my own.

Fine. You get your wish.

Now I truly don't wanna follow in your footsteps.

Actually, after all the purge,

I'm still pretty amazed at how I am still able to salvage of what remains from the debris of my crushed confidence,

And tell to myself:

Challenge Accepted.

I see you.

Again. Finally.


I've never felt this happy for such a long time.
All I know is,
No matter what I say, or what I suggested just now,
Despite me wanting us to let go of everything just so you wouldn't be in pain anymore,
I can't let you go.
I don't know about the next time.

But right now,
I won't be able to let you go.


All I know is,
The fruit that we will bear at the end of our two months,
Will be worth it.
All the pain and the torture of waiting and not being able to see each other,
Will be gone once we meet.


No matter how long we wait,
The meeting will heal and close up all wounds,
No matter how short the meeting is.



I love you,
I really do.

I miss you already.
And I'm gonna miss you so much more.

Lost.

I'm feeling as blurred as this page's background colour.




I don't know what I should do now.




If only,
If only,
You can see my point of view.
You can understand what I'm feeling.



But no.
If I show it,
It would just turn into a new argument you'd never wanna lose.
So I'll just stick to giving in for now.
Giving you what you want.
Yes, I never even matter.
I am not important.
I have to serve.
I have to be attentive, doesn't matter whether I get the same thing back.


A duty is a duty.
I don't have to be understood to fulfill all of it.

Oh wait.
I'm so damn easily understood to begin with.
I cannot hide anything anyway. Haha.

I never knew.

It's not even a week yet,
And I'm already feeling the strain.

This is the first time that I dread being in my own home, in my hometown.
I enjoy my freedom back in Singapore.
I can do anything, go anywhere, on my own.
I don't have to burden anybody,
Or even seek their help.


Also,
My parents, my father especially, can't understand me and my needs sometimes.
He always can point out my flaws.
It's a good thing, well at the first look.

But after a while,
It becomes a burden for me.
In his eyes,
Using my phone simply means I'm rude.
No matter where, or when.
It's like in front of him, I CANNOT touch my phone.
Seriously, that's how he makes me feel.
I've been trying not to use my phone too much.
I mean, I try, I really do!

It's just, I wanna talk to the person I wanna talk the most.
The person that I've been missing the whole damn time in here.
The person that is no longer here by my side.
And they just wouldn't understand.

Bloggie, what do you think they will say if I tell them I love her?
They'll say I'm stupid.
I'm immature.
That it's not right to have so much feelings poured out for someone whom you have only known for a few months.
That I'll regret it in the end if I sacrifice too much for her.

But I don't care!
I wanna learn it my way!
I WANT this feeling.
If I will regret it later, let me be!
At least, let me learn it on my own!
I'm fucking reaching 20.
Such a young age, I know.
But it's an age where I at least get to decide what to do with my own feelings!
And I don't even neglect anyone in the house.

My father's the only one feeling neglected, I guess.
He's always the one unhappy whenever I touch my phone.
Apparently, unlike my mom and brother, I hope, he reads too shallow into me.
He thinks I think only for myself, because I focus too much on my phone.
And I don't wanna be with the family.
Insane. He thinks that just by using my phone in front of him, I don't care about him.
I hate this!

You see, even now, as I sit at the dining table alone writing this note,
I can't seem to be at peace.
I have to be alert using my ears, if somehow he comes downstairs and finds me with my phone here.
He would just scold me, saying that I am an ignorant, ungrateful, spoilt kid who can spends too much time with my phone.
When all I want, is some peace of mind, writing this very note, on my own.
I used to have this every day.
Can't believe that I'm never gonna feel that peace ever again when my family is around.


I wanna feel that peace again.
Every day with my family, there surely is gonna be some trouble.
With my father, it's always some scolding.
Either because I talk too fast, too excitedly, so he thinks I can't be calm.
Or because I am careless.
I spill stuff, I knock into things.
Even small stuff.
He will say that I CANNOT, and NEVER control myself.
To the point that he doesn't trust me to even help him carry his stuff.
Yeah.
My bro is THE BEST, right dad?

My brother.
Is a suck-up to my dad.
He always manages to use the phone in front of him, but he never gets warned.
Funny right?
Even today, as I got scolded and ignored by my father for using my phone,
He sticked to him, he ignored me.
He followed what my father did: pretended I never existed.
Thanks bro.
To think that you'd stick by me.

But my mom is still the best. Seriously.
She often ends up like I do.
Becomes the victim for my father and brother's annoyance and anger for no apparent reason.
And you know what bloggie?
When both of them ignored me today, she was still the only one who sticked and talked to me.
She may be naggy, she is not perfect.
But she is the first woman that I love in my life.
The best mother I have ever known.

You didn't know how I felt bloggie.
I was forbidden to communicate with the one I miss so, so much.
And they even ignored my existence too.
Thanks to my mom I actually felt a lot better.


I'm bottling up everything.
In this family, I am not allowed to express what I truly feel.
I am not allowed to be myself.
I cannot be expressive and happy.
My father sees it as a sign of weakness.

In this house,
I have to be a people-pleaser.
A bootlicker.
I have to please my father.
And I have to stand my brother.
My mother and I to be exact.



I really like studying overseas now.
No.
I love it.

The last.

A different version of what I wrote in my other blog just a moment ago.




Yes, this place holds a truckload of different memories to me.
But the one that will weigh more,
Is the one I captured from this year.
On the second half of this year of this year, to be exact.





Yes.



They're all the ones about you.



Whether the ones that we spent on the playground,
Walking along the parking area,
Dating in the carpark,
Cuddling on the maid's bed at your place,
Staying overnight at your place,
Watching movies at my place,
Sitting on the garden at your place,
Taking silly pictures of ourselves at the lobby,
Or even going to the gym and swimming together.
Oh yes, studying together in the study room too.
In fact, that was probably the first time you imprinted something on me.




All these, I'll always remember.
You, I can't forget.

Sometimes,

You don't wanna say out what you want,

Because you know the other party doesn't want it,


And because you don't wanna look pathetic and desperate.