:)

With you,

I can show even the most vulnerable side of mine.
The face that I never showed to others.
I can cry, for the first time in front of somebody, without fear.



I've been independent for so long that I forgot how it is like being dependent on somebody emotionally.
But I guess Life (and Fate) just had another plan for me.
When I can finally find pleasure in being dependent on someone again,
When I can finally learn to be joyfully in love again,
They again slapped me in the face and said, "Nope, can't let you have it your way."



When I thought that I could spend my final moments with you here before we go on our separate ways,
My parents wanted to me leave here earlier.
And my heart felt like it sank again.
And it's been a long while since I felt this bad and negative.




It's like I have to leave earlier.






And I couldn't help it.
I felt frail, and vulnerable, without you by my side.
This sounds cheesy, bloggie.
But I never thought that I could be so dependent on somebody.






Even though we may not even see each other again.
I'm determined to give it my all, and make it work.
'Cause as you said,
"Nothing has ever felt so beautiful before, ever."

Pressure.

Hey bloggie,

All of a sudden, I kinda figure out a little things that are going on inside.

This pressure. Yes.

This pressure is not compressing me, but it's tearing me apart.

It's like,

I have things to do.

I have responsibilities to fulfil.

I have stuff to take care of.

But at this very, very wrong time,

I discovered that I am again split into different "self".

One self,

Trying hard not to let my family, and myself down.

Trying hard to give it my all for this exam.

So that I have no regrets.

It convinces itself that no matter what, not letting my parents down is the one and only thing that matters right now.

The other self,

Just wanna give everything up.

Just wanna do everything at my own pace.

Just basically, resign to fate.

Convinced that no matter what I do, the path ahead has already been pre-destined for me.

And that as long as I try a little, it would be sufficient.

That third, and last self.

Wonders what the fuck is going on.

Doesn't have its own stand.

Not really sure which other side to follow.

Just wanna go into another place, another time, another space.

Another world.

Either that, or just prefer to stay right here at this damn place.

Why am I facing this kind of bullshit on this very important time?

Tell me, bloggie. FREAKING TELL ME.

I'm pathetic I know.

Please don't let anybody know.

Oh yeah, maybe nobody will know.

It's just between you and me.

Yeah, I hope nobody cares.

Nobody knows.

Nobody says anything.

'Cause it's better for it to stay within me.

Within you.

But if my pathetic self is to ever surface to the outside.

Please take me away, somewhere far away.

I don't wanna look pathetic.

Not in front of other people.

Go away, everybody, buzz off.

I don't need your pity.

Your concerns are no more real than a fake China doll.

Just, leave me alone.

Don't even say anything.

Okay, bloggie? It's just between you and me.

You and me.

I almost forgot how inseparable we are.

It's been like that all along.

Now, now.

Where did my progress to be a cyborg stop?

Why did I stop it anyway?

Who says that I need to stop?

Maybe I should really go back to that kind of road.

What do you think, bloggie? Huh?

Dear bloggie,

I need to ask for a favour from you.

If, and only if,

You can help me in this,

Please get this negativity far far away from me.

At least keep it at a distance for now.

Please.

But I don't think you probably can.

Although we've come a long way containing the spreading of this invisible gaping hole in my chest.

It's 5th November 12:32am, according to my clock.

It's about 58 minutes more to our 2-month-sary.

We're getting into our 3rd month on our journey together.

Looking back, it's short.

But feeling back, it's been a lot of things.

Really, I feel that we've been through so many together.

And going into our 3rd month together,

I'm feeling as happy as ever.

It's just,

I don't really fancy the fact that in the start of our 3rd month together,

We have to face separation.

It won't be long, of course I know.

But the thought of it,

Is enough to cause an impact on my mental state.

It's also largely because of you that I haven't broken down mentally today.

Not after all the disappointment I inflicted on myself.

Thanks to you, really.

But maybe my bad mood really managed to seep into everything that I was today.

Not to mention the feeling I have that there ARE actually people who have relied on you before me.

That there are people who actually needed you more than I did.

And that me being this way was actually adding to your burden even more.

I'm sorry for being so difficult.

I'm sorry for being so crippled on my own.

I'm sorry for needing you in my life.

I'm sorry for wanting to have you by my side.

As I thought, and voiced out today,

I still can't figure out why.

What do you see in me?

In fact, what do people ever see in me?

In my own perspectives,

I'm a nobody.

I'm not a revolutionary.

I don't possess anything special.

I don't even know if I'm ever worthy of your every attention that you presented upon me.

In fact that all I know is that I've been an ignorant, insensitive bastard that has always failed your expectations time and again. Yes, it's like I never learn.

And lastly,

I'm sorry for not wanting to say all these.

It's never in my intention to bring you down with me.

In fact,

Every little pieces of me hope that you won't be able to read this.

At least, until about 20 days later.

It's bad enough knowing that I'm feeling like I'm being pulled into another mental abyss.

It's much, much more aggravating to see that I'm dragging you down with me.

Go, and do what you are always meant to do.

You can excel this.

Don't worry about me.

I want you to put A Level before me.

Goddamn it,

No, of course I wanna be first for you.

But for your own good,

For your own sake.

Don't waste it on me.

Focus for the challenges ahead.

You'll breeze through it.

Just like I always knew you will.

With love,

Me.

:)

Another note from my phone.

On the last hour of 2nd of November 2011,


I finally got over the past. Completely. Truly. All of it.
None of it seems to be holding me back any more.
You are my dream come true.



I've never felt this strong before.
I've never felt so secure.
I've never felt so much support before.
I've never felt so right.
Never felt so blissful.
And certainly,
I've never cried for someone before. Not like this.


When I left your place tonight,
I had this overwhelming sense of palpable loss.
Yes, no matter how mushy this would sound,
It's like I left a part of me behind.
True, these three nights I spent together with you, are the ones that I would never forget.

Those moments are not even engraved on my heart.
Because my heart plays a part in it.
You are in it.
Your name isn't imprinted on my heart.
It's in my heart.


And then,
You showed me a YouTube video.
Never Be Replaced by 1st Lady.
And although I've heard this song many years before I even found you,
Suddenly this song becomes what I would say Our Song.
Because no matter what,
The next time I'm hearing that, you'll always be the one I'd associate this song with.

And then,
Tears just suddenly welled up, and they flowed so freely like I've never cried before.
But of course, I've never cried for someone before, especially not for a girl.
Truth to be told, bloggie,
Before this I used to believe that crying for a girl is silly.
Now I'm doing that silly thing.
But I don't feel silly, not in the slightest bit.
I feel how much you mean to me.
I feel how important you are to me.
That if I would ever lose you, I'd be devastated beyond my own comprehension.




I don't know what to say.
Maybe I really never had a dream come true.
'Till the day I found you.



All I know now is,
I can declare for my own,
With my utmost conviction,

That I'm in your heart,
And you're in mine.
Though the journey ahead will be hard,
I know we'll be fine.
We'll weather this storm together.

"It's us against the world."
Yes, I have not forgotten about that, at all.




I probably have never said this more confidently and surely before:


Dear Rieka Erina,
I Love You.
:)

Living a life of irony.

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"

Some say "My life is bullshit."

Some complain "My life is a joke."

I say, my life is an irony.

Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.

I say I love my parents, my family, my God.

But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,

But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,

But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,

But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,

Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,

But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.

I really, really want to understand you,

Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,

I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".

And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.

Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,

Or because I just am not worthy,

Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.

Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.

I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.

Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...

Hate.

Such a strong word to use.
But it seems proper currently.



I may be able to accept defeat.
But still I hate to lose.



I hate to lose out physically,
I hate to lose out academically,
I hate to lose out in maturity,
I hate to lose out in relationships,
And I hate to realise how much I hate to lose.






I'm a 19-year-old with nothing, no clue on what to do for the love of my life.
I'm a weird 19-year-old with no experience.
But I'm looking for a chance to do all the stuff together, for the first time.
I hatefully detest to be the one not leading in relationships.
It makes me look like a shit.
Useless, good-for-nothing kind of guy.
And no thanks for my destiny, I always don't seem to find out the girl with my idea of perfect.


Yep, my utopia will never exist.
Neither will my utopian ideals.



Ironically,
I can always put all these thoughts behind.
I can always embrace the new changes.
(although I fucking hate changes too).
I can always overlook my perfect expectations for stuff that matter more.
Or I can always lower my expectations!
Or even change my own ideals!




Yeah, I've put all those thoughts behind, but so what.
Doesn't mean they're not there.
Doesn't mean they won't surface again periodically.
Doesn't mean my ideals have changed!
Doesn't mean I can STOP hating to lose out.





Maybe it's time for me to learn something new.
A new idea that I should have fucking absorbed long ago.


Yes, the world is unfair.
Destiny is never just.
Justice doesn't exist.
Even I now cease to believe in the existence of Karma.



Oh wait, maybe Karma still functions.
I just haven't figured out what I've done wrong in my life.




Wait a minute.
Maybe my utopian ideals are wrong in the first place.
They shouldn't even be alive.
And this, bloggie, is how Karma and Destiny are showing me the punishment for having such wrong ideals.
Guess? Yeah, you got it.



By incinerating everything that I achieve for the sake of my ideals, each and every one of them.




Go on.
Keep crushing them.
My path towards my dream.
My own mentality.
My own academic.
My own physique.
My own love.
All of them.

And the only ones that remain,
Are my motivation, my dream, and my life.

And let me tell you bitch,
If you intend to annihilate the rest,
I beg you, please, just quickly destroy the last one, right away.

But of course,
WHY WOULD THEY LISTEN TO MY PLEA?
Heh.