"I'm not giving you up 'till my last ounce of strength."
"*my post on SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2009*"
"Leaving her would be a torture."
"I'm the 3rd party. The one who doesn't deserve it. I'll have to leave afterall."
"As long as she doesn't break up and choose between one of you, this is as far as you go. In the end, all your blood and tears will go to vain again. It'll only kill both of you. You'll be abandoned in the end!"
These are voices that echo through my head all the time.
Getting over you isn't as easy as we predicted it to be.
"According to Mirror-breaking Test, I could get over something like this within days."
Truth is, even after a few days without you and only with my family and friends.
The feeling, the thoughts, the pain have not left at all.
They stay within, torturing day and night.
And when I thought it was kinda easy,
It turned out that it is not.
Even as I pretend to move on.
Even as I pretend there are other 'fishes in the sea'
Even as I pretend that this is a nightmare, and when I wake up tomorrow, it's a brand new day.
Even as I pretend that you're not the one.
Even as I pretend that you don't exist in my life.
This feeling really knows how to squeeze the crap out of my life.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
It's better to be like this, for now. No?
Decided that I need to make a decision.
Soon..
And I have.
Honestly, I didn't know what made my hand got a mind of its own to delete your number and all our photos.
I still don't know why I deleted your contact. It's got no effect anyway. Your texts still appear on my iSms program. So your number is still there nonetheless.
But the photo, I know why.
Looking at how we were so close in the pictures,
I feel like looking at a dream.
It doesn't even feel like a reality.
Reality is rarely kind, and frequently cruel.
Those days, where it was all beautiful, were totally a dream.
Now I feel like I'm conscious.
The harsh reality; I'd be kidding myself if I say this is the nightmare instead. I'm asleep now, and gonna wake up soon.
NO!
If I have to put it frankly, bloggie,
Our photos seemed so fake.
Their photos seemed so real.
When I looked at their recent photos,
Yes, I felt crushed inside.
The cruel reality squeezed the shit out of me.
But that was when I knew what to do for now.
Again, as I mentioned long ago.
It's a burden to adore two persons at the same time.
It won't be fair for both.
Me, as the third party, should back off, as rules stated.
I was deceived in my dreams.
I thought I'm getting closer to you, and he's getting further away.
What a denial my brain had designed for me.
Truth is, I'm never getting closer. This is the limit. This is where the progress stops.
Truth is, you two are ever close.
How do I say so? From your recent photos.
Discovered them by accident, when I was at your Facebook profile while missing you.
And you said you two don't have much hope.
YEAH RIGHT.
How bloody plenty HOPE I see for both of you.
I'm wrong for expecting more than friends between us.
And I'm wrong for misunderstanding your definition of "us".
And you said you enjoyed the pain with him.
You know what, that sounds like a total crap to me.
Humans logical mind would prevent you from taking the pain too long, like I do now.
You will take action once the pain gets to a level too dangerous for your mental state.
Okay let's say you're ILLOGICAL.
Even if you don't like the pain, you will try to keep a distance from it!
NOT BEING FREAKING CLOSE TO THE SOURCE ALL THE TIME.
NOT LOVING THE PAIN ALL THE TIME.
To put it simply, even if you can't get away from the pain, you keep a distance.
NOT FREAKING EMBRACE THE PAIN.
THAT'S THE BULLSHIT OF THE YEAR.
How do I say so?
I'm a living proof.
OR,
You dare to embrace the pain, knowing that it's for a better future.
So that shows you have a lot of hope in you two.
HOW CAN YOU SAY 'No hope maybe." ????
I JUST DON'T FREAKING GET IT.
Or, you're just lying to me, or trying to console =D
Whichever you prefer. It's not my problem anyway.
I should get away from the lies for now.
No worries, I don't hate you.
Adoration to a person doesn't change into hatred overnight =)
Nonetheless, I'll try treating as a good friend, or normal friend.
Since that's what I always am to you anyway.
Strange, I deleted your contact and photos, and yet I didn't get the feeling to block you from here.
Oh well, it's not gonna make much difference anyway.
Like hell she's gonna visit here.
No time lah =D
So block or not, it makes no freaking difference.
Well, I don't give a damn either way.
Soon..
And I have.
Honestly, I didn't know what made my hand got a mind of its own to delete your number and all our photos.
I still don't know why I deleted your contact. It's got no effect anyway. Your texts still appear on my iSms program. So your number is still there nonetheless.
But the photo, I know why.
Looking at how we were so close in the pictures,
I feel like looking at a dream.
It doesn't even feel like a reality.
Reality is rarely kind, and frequently cruel.
Those days, where it was all beautiful, were totally a dream.
Now I feel like I'm conscious.
The harsh reality; I'd be kidding myself if I say this is the nightmare instead. I'm asleep now, and gonna wake up soon.
NO!
If I have to put it frankly, bloggie,
Our photos seemed so fake.
Their photos seemed so real.
When I looked at their recent photos,
Yes, I felt crushed inside.
The cruel reality squeezed the shit out of me.
But that was when I knew what to do for now.
Again, as I mentioned long ago.
It's a burden to adore two persons at the same time.
It won't be fair for both.
Me, as the third party, should back off, as rules stated.
I was deceived in my dreams.
I thought I'm getting closer to you, and he's getting further away.
What a denial my brain had designed for me.
Truth is, I'm never getting closer. This is the limit. This is where the progress stops.
Truth is, you two are ever close.
How do I say so? From your recent photos.
Discovered them by accident, when I was at your Facebook profile while missing you.
And you said you two don't have much hope.
YEAH RIGHT.
How bloody plenty HOPE I see for both of you.
I'm wrong for expecting more than friends between us.
And I'm wrong for misunderstanding your definition of "us".
And you said you enjoyed the pain with him.
You know what, that sounds like a total crap to me.
Humans logical mind would prevent you from taking the pain too long, like I do now.
You will take action once the pain gets to a level too dangerous for your mental state.
Okay let's say you're ILLOGICAL.
Even if you don't like the pain, you will try to keep a distance from it!
NOT BEING FREAKING CLOSE TO THE SOURCE ALL THE TIME.
NOT LOVING THE PAIN ALL THE TIME.
To put it simply, even if you can't get away from the pain, you keep a distance.
NOT FREAKING EMBRACE THE PAIN.
THAT'S THE BULLSHIT OF THE YEAR.
How do I say so?
I'm a living proof.
OR,
You dare to embrace the pain, knowing that it's for a better future.
So that shows you have a lot of hope in you two.
HOW CAN YOU SAY 'No hope maybe." ????
I JUST DON'T FREAKING GET IT.
Or, you're just lying to me, or trying to console =D
Whichever you prefer. It's not my problem anyway.
I should get away from the lies for now.
No worries, I don't hate you.
Adoration to a person doesn't change into hatred overnight =)
Nonetheless, I'll try treating as a good friend, or normal friend.
Since that's what I always am to you anyway.
Strange, I deleted your contact and photos, and yet I didn't get the feeling to block you from here.
Oh well, it's not gonna make much difference anyway.
Like hell she's gonna visit here.
No time lah =D
So block or not, it makes no freaking difference.
Well, I don't give a damn either way.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I can't stand this pain anymore.
Thats all I know.
I can't take another lie.
Although I know there's still hope,
Don't forget that I'm a human.
I ain't a Divine Being.
There's a limit to how much pain I can take.
I'm finally crumbling into pieces. =)
But the scary thing is,
I'm not sure whether I should give up or not.
I need time to cool down, and think.
Thats all I know.
I can't take another lie.
Although I know there's still hope,
Don't forget that I'm a human.
I ain't a Divine Being.
There's a limit to how much pain I can take.
I'm finally crumbling into pieces. =)
But the scary thing is,
I'm not sure whether I should give up or not.
I need time to cool down, and think.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Negative Side VS Logical Mind, AGAIN.
Is it my logical mind who lost all the time, or is it my negative side who always won?
Just few days in NJC, and I've made a scandal for myself. Haha.
Just because I talked to Juwinda in Indonesian, and just because I was asked to distribute her cake to you guys, you think there's something between us?
Well that was what it seemed.
I don't know whether you guys were joking or serious, but I could see she was uncomfortable afterwards.
When she asked the lunchbox back from me, she didn't really look at me.
Hopefully she wasn't irritated or what. Haha.
Because I wasn't affected at all.
In fact it made me think how fun these friends of mine are.
Moreover,
I thought this day was gonna be completely complete for me.
Meeting my bro Liao Wei was one thing.
But She asked me to meet, that was another thing.
So there I go, as usual. Happy and my heart still beat so fast for a reason unknown to me.
And when I was expecting a good time and dinner,
There attacked my worst enemy.
My Negative Side.
When we two were sitting on a bench in sky garden of Junction8,
My eyes caught a glimpse of her handphone wallpaper.
Yes, the picture that could broke my heart into million pieces and make it bleed unstoppably.
My Negative Side didn't waste this opportunity.
It flooded my whole being with pain and bloodbath.
My Logical Mind tried hard to get an upper hand in this battle, replacing my Positive Side which has been beaten to near-death condition.
But tried as it might, it lost the battle ultimately.
Once again my Negative Side took control of me, despite my Logical Mind's attempt to push the thought of 'it's normal, don't get so screwed up, Kevin. You can win this.'.
All of a sudden, I lost my appetite.
Although I was not so hungry, I had planned to have a dinner.
All of a sudden I got lethargic and sleepy.
Even though when I met her I was kinda excited.
All of a sudden I got the urge to punch a wall again.
When she was in a phone call, I knuckled the side of the playground station nearby.
My knuckles got the pain back, and my elbow's nerves hit the wall too, causing a numbness effect on my right arm for a few seconds.
And fortunately, it did release some mental pain inside me, A LITTLE.
I knew this could happen.
I knew this feeling was gonna hit me.
I knew this is what I deserved from the start.
I knew she's gonna do this to me.
But time and again,
I find it hard to let it go.
I find it hard to stop harbouring some hope.
I find it hard not to adore you.
Maybe we shouldn't talk for a while.
I need some time to cool down.
I need time to think.
I need to get my head cool, and think this through.
I wanna punch something again.
Anyway, what Liaowei said is true.
I'm the 3rd party anyway.
I should be the one who's supposed to fuck off right?
Feeling pain is a risk I'm taking all the time.
So I need to go away.
Yes, go away.
Far, far away.
Just few days in NJC, and I've made a scandal for myself. Haha.
Just because I talked to Juwinda in Indonesian, and just because I was asked to distribute her cake to you guys, you think there's something between us?
Well that was what it seemed.
I don't know whether you guys were joking or serious, but I could see she was uncomfortable afterwards.
When she asked the lunchbox back from me, she didn't really look at me.
Hopefully she wasn't irritated or what. Haha.
Because I wasn't affected at all.
In fact it made me think how fun these friends of mine are.
Moreover,
I thought this day was gonna be completely complete for me.
Meeting my bro Liao Wei was one thing.
But She asked me to meet, that was another thing.
So there I go, as usual. Happy and my heart still beat so fast for a reason unknown to me.
And when I was expecting a good time and dinner,
There attacked my worst enemy.
My Negative Side.
When we two were sitting on a bench in sky garden of Junction8,
My eyes caught a glimpse of her handphone wallpaper.
Yes, the picture that could broke my heart into million pieces and make it bleed unstoppably.
My Negative Side didn't waste this opportunity.
It flooded my whole being with pain and bloodbath.
My Logical Mind tried hard to get an upper hand in this battle, replacing my Positive Side which has been beaten to near-death condition.
But tried as it might, it lost the battle ultimately.
Once again my Negative Side took control of me, despite my Logical Mind's attempt to push the thought of 'it's normal, don't get so screwed up, Kevin. You can win this.'.
All of a sudden, I lost my appetite.
Although I was not so hungry, I had planned to have a dinner.
All of a sudden I got lethargic and sleepy.
Even though when I met her I was kinda excited.
All of a sudden I got the urge to punch a wall again.
When she was in a phone call, I knuckled the side of the playground station nearby.
My knuckles got the pain back, and my elbow's nerves hit the wall too, causing a numbness effect on my right arm for a few seconds.
And fortunately, it did release some mental pain inside me, A LITTLE.
I knew this could happen.
I knew this feeling was gonna hit me.
I knew this is what I deserved from the start.
I knew she's gonna do this to me.
But time and again,
I find it hard to let it go.
I find it hard to stop harbouring some hope.
I find it hard not to adore you.
Maybe we shouldn't talk for a while.
I need some time to cool down.
I need time to think.
I need to get my head cool, and think this through.
I wanna punch something again.
Anyway, what Liaowei said is true.
I'm the 3rd party anyway.
I should be the one who's supposed to fuck off right?
Feeling pain is a risk I'm taking all the time.
So I need to go away.
Yes, go away.
Far, far away.
Monday, February 8, 2010
My heart's shoutout.
I know my heart's been screaming about this all the time.
It's just that I can contain it most of the time...
Not this time.
No matter how patient my heart is, it needs a relief once in a while.
So I'm gonna tell you what it always shouts amidst the darkness of my emotion.
Here I go.
"
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU HAPPY MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A SLAVE?
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN CHAINED BY YOU?
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU ASKED ME TO WAIT?
HOW FUCKING LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU STOP TORTURING ME? WAIT, HAVE YOU EVER NOT TORTURED ME?
YOU WANT ME, HIS HEART, TO BE ONLY FOR YOU, ONLY THINKING OF YOU, ONLY BELONG TO YOU. NONE OTHER SHALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO CLAIM FOR IT.
You? HAHAHA.
YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO GIVE SOME FRACTION OF YOUR FEELINGS TO THIS HEART THAT NEEDS TO SERVE YOU.
YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME A SLAVE OF YOU.
THIS HEART CAN GO NOWHERE, SO YOU USE THIS CHANCE TO TRAP ME HERE, WHILE I'M BEING TWO-TIMED.
I'M GONNA DIE SOON YOU HEARD ME?!
HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME WAIT?
HOW MUCH MORE PAIN YOU WANNA INFLICT UNTIL YOU GET SATISFIED?
HOW MANY MORE SCARS ARE YOU GONNA MAKE UNTIL YOU'RE HAPPY?!
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HEAL ME?
YOU ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM THAT I'M THE ONE AND HE'S NOT.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE.
Yet in the public eyes, IN MY FUCKING EYES, YOU ARE THE MOST COMPATIBLE COUPLE IN THIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A SHIT.
WHO'S LYING NOW HUH.
YOU? HIM? THE REST OF THIS FUCKING WORLD?
EITHER ONE OF YOU IS LYING. I CAN SEE IT SO FREAKING CLEAR.
DAMN CALL ME A FUCKING IMMATURE CHILDISH HEART IF YOU FUCKING FEEL YOU NEED TO.
CAN YOU JUST CHOOSE ONE?! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING PRISONER WILL YOU?
I'M DAMN STUCK BETWEEN TWO SIDES.
DAMN!
"
Okay, end of shoutout :)
My heart is satisfied for now.
It'll let itself to get controlled by my mind.
And I believe he won't get so fucked up for a while now. Haha.
It's just that I can contain it most of the time...
Not this time.
No matter how patient my heart is, it needs a relief once in a while.
So I'm gonna tell you what it always shouts amidst the darkness of my emotion.
Here I go.
"
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU HAPPY MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A SLAVE?
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN CHAINED BY YOU?
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU ASKED ME TO WAIT?
HOW FUCKING LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU STOP TORTURING ME? WAIT, HAVE YOU EVER NOT TORTURED ME?
YOU WANT ME, HIS HEART, TO BE ONLY FOR YOU, ONLY THINKING OF YOU, ONLY BELONG TO YOU. NONE OTHER SHALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO CLAIM FOR IT.
You? HAHAHA.
YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO GIVE SOME FRACTION OF YOUR FEELINGS TO THIS HEART THAT NEEDS TO SERVE YOU.
YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME A SLAVE OF YOU.
THIS HEART CAN GO NOWHERE, SO YOU USE THIS CHANCE TO TRAP ME HERE, WHILE I'M BEING TWO-TIMED.
I'M GONNA DIE SOON YOU HEARD ME?!
HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME WAIT?
HOW MUCH MORE PAIN YOU WANNA INFLICT UNTIL YOU GET SATISFIED?
HOW MANY MORE SCARS ARE YOU GONNA MAKE UNTIL YOU'RE HAPPY?!
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HEAL ME?
YOU ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM THAT I'M THE ONE AND HE'S NOT.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE.
Yet in the public eyes, IN MY FUCKING EYES, YOU ARE THE MOST COMPATIBLE COUPLE IN THIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A SHIT.
WHO'S LYING NOW HUH.
YOU? HIM? THE REST OF THIS FUCKING WORLD?
EITHER ONE OF YOU IS LYING. I CAN SEE IT SO FREAKING CLEAR.
DAMN CALL ME A FUCKING IMMATURE CHILDISH HEART IF YOU FUCKING FEEL YOU NEED TO.
CAN YOU JUST CHOOSE ONE?! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING PRISONER WILL YOU?
I'M DAMN STUCK BETWEEN TWO SIDES.
DAMN!
"
Okay, end of shoutout :)
My heart is satisfied for now.
It'll let itself to get controlled by my mind.
And I believe he won't get so fucked up for a while now. Haha.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Is what they said true?
My brothers have told me thousands of times.
"Ask her out lah. Must go out with her once in a while, if not the relationship can never grow, much less keep the feeling."
I never believed that.
I always believe that we can keep it just by constant communication..
I've been proven wrong today...
She said she was in Toa Payoh today to alter her skirt.
And out of sudden she invited me to eat dinner with her...
Of course I agreed, I have to get my food outside anyway.
And for no apparent reason,
My heart still beat so nervously.
I was a bit sweating.
It was like as if that was my first outing with her.
Although I've known her for long time.
It was enjoyable indeed.
Not only the dinner.
We caught up with some things.
And I was really glad I could see her again.
Despite me having said to myself all the time "This is nothing, Kevin, nothing much. Don't get too happy."
I am REALLY happy ==
And when we parted,
There was this lingering feeling.
And it was the same feeling everytime we said goodbye.
And then it occurred to me that meeting up really re-strengthened the loosening bond.
I haven't missed her so much until now.
And the last time I felt this way was few months ago.
Well.
Nonetheless, I still gotta get used to this.
As I said to her and myself just now.
"We, having met today, is a miracle."
Although we both laughed afterwards, I meant it.
Who would expect it?
Who would ever give me this kind of painful-now-yet-beautiful-eventually feeling?
I guess I just can't fall for any other girls.
None other.
"Ask her out lah. Must go out with her once in a while, if not the relationship can never grow, much less keep the feeling."
I never believed that.
I always believe that we can keep it just by constant communication..
I've been proven wrong today...
She said she was in Toa Payoh today to alter her skirt.
And out of sudden she invited me to eat dinner with her...
Of course I agreed, I have to get my food outside anyway.
And for no apparent reason,
My heart still beat so nervously.
I was a bit sweating.
It was like as if that was my first outing with her.
Although I've known her for long time.
It was enjoyable indeed.
Not only the dinner.
We caught up with some things.
And I was really glad I could see her again.
Despite me having said to myself all the time "This is nothing, Kevin, nothing much. Don't get too happy."
I am REALLY happy ==
And when we parted,
There was this lingering feeling.
And it was the same feeling everytime we said goodbye.
And then it occurred to me that meeting up really re-strengthened the loosening bond.
I haven't missed her so much until now.
And the last time I felt this way was few months ago.
Well.
Nonetheless, I still gotta get used to this.
As I said to her and myself just now.
"We, having met today, is a miracle."
Although we both laughed afterwards, I meant it.
Who would expect it?
Who would ever give me this kind of painful-now-yet-beautiful-eventually feeling?
I guess I just can't fall for any other girls.
None other.
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