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After finishing Life Is Strange: Before the Storm, I just discovered a chunk of emotions (and feels) that I thought I no longer usually feel.


And seeing how Max and Chloe recorded their thoughts in their journals as well as having their thoughts being voiced out loud during the course of the games (in their heads at least), it made me realise how much I haven’t been using my brain to record/process my emotions. And while it has been comfortable and peaceful at times, I think I wanna give it another shot. Not just for the sake of romantic relationships (like how it used to always happen for), but every other things I’m going through in my life.


That means being more conscious of my thoughts (hey, I remember this being part of my brain-over-heart goal I set for myself before), and penning down at least some remnants of my reflections throughout the day, starting today.


Thank you, Chloe Price, you inspired me.


Kev, the Ex Thoughts-Dweller



P. S. I don’t really feel like penning all these in my blogs; public nor private. Actually, maybe not even online. While a digital copy may be an easier way to archive and organise, a real scribble book or notebook might work better to achieve the purpose. We’ll see if there is a way that Uncle Google can find something combining these two online.

"Even if it's not intended as a message, it's a message nonetheless."

So fucking done with this nonsense.

Seriously, why do so many people do what they don't say, and say what they don't do?




After a rather spontaneous meet-up with the YOLO/Brotel gang earlier today, I went back with a few points on my mind




Many of us do not consider the fact that our actions and decisions can inflict damage to people around us.

We live in an era (or society, or environment) where people communicate based on mind games more than half of the time.

Emotional decisions can be consciously-driven too, and that putting the reasons on "genetics" or "being born/feeling this way" can in fact be a series of lame justifications and excuses.




So this time, I'm making the conscious decision to let go and walk the fuck away, despite my heart repeatedly telling me to re-consider giving it another chance.

Because I've really had enough of this mind-games situation where every attempt I make at finding out just gets repelled time and again.

(well, I guess that in itself is a message too. But you see what I'm doing here, bloggie? BACK AGAIN AT THE GUESSING GAME)

And I guess I just can no longer stand people who are not mature enough to confront, admit what they think and feel, and deal with them.

Yes that includes myself too, and that's why I now decide to deal with it and yank the hell out of the source.





No matter how excruciating this may feel at the moment, 
Even as I'm typing this with trembling limbs and eyes on the brink of tears,
I've never once needed your pity.
I really liked you, and I never thought I could finally open up my walls to someone like this again after so long.

But I cannot do this forever, not when you gradually torture me with your actions that make me question so many things.

Why does it turn out this way?

Did I ever do something wrong?

If there was nothing in the first place, then what did I see and feel when this all began?

Why do you seem to avoid me and my issue now?

Can I only be a second option?

Are you asking me to wait or are you asking me to fuck off?

Why do I have to guess everything?

Why. Did. I. Turn. Out. So. Insecure. And. Mentally-Insane?


Nonetheless,
I have faith that I'll get through this, and move on quickly.

Term 9 - Week 12 out 14.

I'm kinda annoyed and intrigued simultaneously at the fact that you managed to turn me inside out, bringing the side of me that I thought had long gone, or at least been stashed for a long, long time.


I was so used to my own, and was fine having no emotional investment and attachment whatsoever with anyone for as long as I can remember since I managed to move on by myself.


But now, now once again I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions; a torrent of hot and cold wave splashing all over; a dose of high and low that I never wanted to inject myself with.





The worst part is, I don't know how to handle, and what to do with my perpetually raging emotions.


I thought there was something there, so I got hopeful and attached without even realising it.
Then I thought it was just me being blinded with hormones, so I thought maybe I should move and and let go.
But just when I thought I was on the verge of moving on, the hopeful emotions all came back.
I don't even know whether to believe in myself anymore.
Heh it's funny. How come it feels like I'm describing what you told me a while ago about how confused that person has been making you feel, only that it's now happening to me?

What are you doing to me? What am I doing?





Okay fuck this. I guess these last 3 weeks of the semester is the most pressing issues at hand.


Talk soon, bloggie.

"what if you can never complete someone who completes you?"

Yes, it's about putting in the effort.
Yes, it's about consciously trying your best.
And yes, it's also about making that choice to be with the person.



But this doesn't have much of a point if this doesn't happen without the initial feeling,
The spark,
The force that tugs your heart at the gentlest way, yet is able to tear your soul apart from your body.



Because if making the choice consciously happens after the initial stages of being electrified with your own jolts of feelings,
There is a strong, and valid reason for pushing through with the choice,
Especially when the going gets tough.



After all, why force yourself to be with a person just because it seems to be the logical choice to do so,
Or when it only seems nice to return the favour that you receive,
From someone whose feelings only you were able to plant and extract out of him,
When at the same time someone else can give you the so out-of-this-world that everyone secretly wants but may never admit?




At the end of the day, it's about the feeling that only a certain someone can evoke out of you.

Hypothetical Scenario x, where x is a real number between 0 and 99.

"what do you like about her so much, really?"




"I could probably talk about the more superficial things like how my heart skipped a beat when I first saw her face because of how pretty she looks, even from way afar and when she hadn't even the slightest clue of my existence. Or I could also talk about how I couldn't bear to look at her for more than a few seconds in the eyes when we first met face to face at the band practice.


Or maybe I could talk about her personality; the way she works so hard in school that still blows me away to this day because I'm nowhere near half as hard working and that really inspired me to put in more effort in what I do now; the way she puts her family and the people dearest to her first above anyone else that makes me question the way I value my own family members and closest group of friends and wonder what it would feel like if I am ever included in that small circle of valuable people in her life.


But really, I guess it all boils down to the way she makes me feel an array of emotions that I never thought I still could. I mean, it's not every day you can find someone you really can see yourself opening up to. After the immense guilt I finally got over a few years after my last bad break up, as well as putting a closure to my own emotional bloodbath in trying to hold on to who I really considered a 'soulmate', I think I unconsciously was unable to open up to people I thought I liked and have deeper feelings for them. Somehow, despite all the fun in dates and constant text messages, I just wasn't able to see them as people I could pour my heart out to. I decided to stop looking altogether, and just enjoy my solitude, no matter how uneasy it can get at times.


With her though, as I gradually spent more time and got closer, I just had this sudden realization one night when I was smiling like an idiot that she felt (at least that's what my Heart told me) like someone I could really open up and be completely emotionally vulnerable to. And no matter how much I tried to shake the feeling, and despite the numerous counter-arguments my Brain attempted to throw at the issue, I can't. It just felt really amazing and I wanted to start all over again in having someone special in my life.


And that is why, in spite of the complications, and the emotional pain that I foresee will just get more frequent, as long as she has yet to say "No" to me explicitly and wants me out of the picture, I will continue to show her that I value her more than just any other person and be completely vulnerable and honest about my feelings. Because when you discover a treasure, you wouldn't discard it just because Life throws lemons at you without fighting back at the very least right?"

28 January 2016; 0413

The unplanned phone call that I made,

That I made when I finally mustered up my courage,

The courage that I couldn't bear to gather, knowing that there is a huge chance it will go down South,

Because somehow, deep down, I knew that it was gonna go that way.



Yet I did it anyway.

I poured the feelings that I've always had for a while already.

I might have hinted it from things that I've done before that day,

But that was the first time I made my feelings heard loud and clear.



In the movies, things would probably not go down so complicated.

It'd have been a simple yes-or-no kind of topic.

This time, though, it's lying so deep in the middle of the grey area,

A predicament ever so familiar, and a place I've probably been more times than I can remember.



And so here I go again,

Usually what comes next is the internal struggle of whether to hold on or to let go.

Because I know people don't really change the way they view you as a person,

And yet I'm already sinking too deep to just simply drop everything and move on.



The only difference this time though,

Is that I'm surprisingly able to balance my furnace of emotions,

Deep enough so it won't affect me from outside.

But fiery enough so that the feelings can continue to run, even if it's just for a while longer.

Hey there bloggie.



I've been quite an emotional wreck these couple of days.
And during Christmas time too. What a time huh.
When I was supposed to be happy and all too.


So it goes like this.


Remember how I told you that I've finally fallen for someone again, after so long?
Yeah and I did tell you that I was gonna take it easy too didn't I?

I thought I did, honestly.
Until recently.


Basically, I felt that after all the interactions that happened between us for 4 months, give or take,
I thought that we became closer.
And the feelings were starting to get mutual.
So I thought it was finally time to let her know about my feelings, directly.

But that was the problem.
You see, I THOUGHT the feelings were getting mutual.
I was looking at the situations through my own lens of feelings.
Not through the lens of objectivity.
And so when I felt that she's starting to talk like she no longer values me as much,
At first I believed that something was wrong, or at least there was something wrong that I did.

And then I looked back and I realised.
Wait a minute, no.
If I recalled the way she talked to me when we first got to know each other,
It is exactly the same as how she did now.
So in the process, there probably isn't anything hinting to me that there is something more than meets the eye.
No.
It was all in my head.
And forming my own expectations and having them unmet is what probably killed me.

This time I really caused the emotional wreck on my own.

She never asked me to continue talking to her.

She never asked me to be concerned.

She never asked me to be supportive to her. She probably didn't need mine, at the very least.

She never asked my help to stay up until the morning to help her with her work. I wanted that myself.

She never asked me to fall for her.

So what right do I have to want her to reciprocate my feelings?

Exactly.

What she thought of me has probably never changed.

I thought it did. So that's where I am wrong,


Haha you know I felt really stupid.
I told myself in the beginning that I should just take my time and not rush.
Indeed I never did.
But thinking about it now,
In order to save myself from hurting this bad again,
What I should have said to myself is:


"You should've used your head a little more than your heart."

Revelation.

Wow.


Did you just say that all that happened was simply because you felt lonely?


Did you just say that whatever happened was all my mind playing tricks on me?


All those times we spent,
All the things we talked about,
All the feelings we poured out for each other,



You're telling that it was all.. because you simply felt lonely?

None of it was real?



I can't fucking believe it.


I don't want to believe it.


It felt so real.



What the fuck?
I just.
I can't.
I can't even.




Wow.


It was a good closure.
It had a good ending, even if it ain't the best, fairy-tale kind.



Now I'm just disappointed.
And angry.




The more important question though,
If I have truly gotten over it, why do I still get so pissed off?
Is it because that after I thought I had the closure, I kinda framed everything like a nice piece of memory,
And now that I know it wasn't what I thought it was, it kinda destroyed all the meaning behind it?
Or am I just in rage because for this moment I felt that my life had been nothing but a lie?

Closure.

"If I can move on from you, I can move on from anything else."

"I haven't been together with anyone for over a year. But my feelings for you lasted for more than that. I think that meant something."

"Do you remember the time we talked about soul mates?"

"Yeah."

"Wah I'm surprised! Haha I thought you've forgotten everything from that period."

"Hahaha."

Honestly, I never thought of us meeting again, much less hanging out like this.

To be even more honest, I didn't think we could talk about what we felt like it was yesterday.

And of course, I would never expect to let you know that I tried so hard to avoid you to move on from you.

I wasn't even sure if i wanted to see you again after trying so hard to stay away for 5 years from the memories that were etched so deep in my brain.

Really, I was quite taken aback when I caught myself banging the cup on the table after you told me how you ended up splitting with your ex after 6 years.

But then I realised maybe it was just me being angry just like how I would be if one of my friends were to go through something similar. Heh.

Anyway, I guess the fact that you didn't really remember stuff during that period of time kinda saved me from a little embarrassment too. Haha.




This feels like what people would probably call a closure.

Because at least it kinda wraps up things that I didn't have a chance to express the last time I forced myself to let things go.




Thank you, for giving me this opportunity.

And as I have said earlier just now,

No matter how bad things had been sometimes, the good things are what has enabled me to still remember everything.
(Or maybe it's just my excellent memory like you said. Haha.)

I have been thinking that I have moved on for a while already,

But this closure to my innate feelings is what has re-assured me that I truly have.




Good bye for real now, my melodramatic past.

:)

"You could've rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell.

Could've walked away, but you're still here."

It's amusing to me how you seem to always say "it's my honour" whenever I am being nice to you.

When actually, it seems to be the other way around.

From the fact that you still spend some time to:

Talk to me every day, when you're usually so drowning with work, even if just for a couple times a day,

And hang out with me once in a while, when many others would probably want to meet you as well,

It's pretty clear that the honour should actually be mine.

I don't know what I am to you, and I don't know if I ever want to find out.

But you seem to be willing to spare some of your daily precious time for me, and for that I am glad.

Because Time is the most precious commodity that one can spend on.

Ready(?)

I haven't felt so shy looking at someone's pretty eyes and expressions in a long time,

'till I first saw you up close that day in our first band practice together.


I haven't made an effort to keep a conversation going with someone like this in a long time,

'till we first continued talking after a simple birthday wish.


I haven't had butterflies in my stomach being face to face in front of someone in a long time,

'till I met you again as an OGL partner in the camp.


I haven't remembered having this much spectrum of feelings,

'till I caught myself gazing at you during the camp.


I haven't felt so jealous of another guy like this in a long time,

'till I noticed how confident and charismatic he is towards you, and how I then started comparing myself.


I stopped believing that I can still fall in love,

'till I realised how hard I am falling for you.





Hey there bloggie,

It's been a long time coming.
I never thought I'd see the day when I would be able to feel like this way again.
But I'm kinda glad that I do, despite the risk of bloodbath that I'm getting into once again.

Past wound.

Hey there old friend,


I can't believe such an old scar can open up again.
I thought it was gone.


I met up with San, YiChao, and Archie earlier today.
And for some reason, I mentioned that she was my biggest love, still.


Filled up to the brim with melancholy, I decided to re-visit the past.
And as the songs that used to remind me about her, back in 2009, started playing,
I had an urge to open up photos of us together,
Those taken outside a classroom after her dance performance,
Those taken near the canal at the back of her old place.
Not to mention there is an archive of "important messages".
And when I opened the Word document, tears just started welling in my eyes.
My feelings overpowered me,
And my old scars tore apart again.


Why Bloggie, why?

I thought I have gotten over it all.
I thought all I have about her is anything but just pieces of memories, buried inside my head.
How can I still have all this feeling, all these surges of emotions?
How can I, after everything that happened, still wish that we have a chance?!
How can I still be so ready, as much as I know it will never happen, to accept her?


I honestly didn't know why I gave up holding up for her.
I used to think it was the right decision, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe this is another one of my bad mistakes.
Just looking at the remnants of our important conversations, when we defined each other as our soul mates, makes me recall the bliss I found myself in.
And instead of being thankful and persevering, I chose to drop everything, be an asshole, and give up.


Bloggie, can I make a request?
Can you take me back to 2009?
I swear I'll make everything right this time.
I won't give up.
On us.
Please?
Pretty please...?






















This blog existed because of you, dear.
As much as I hate to compare, you are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And seeing I have never seen anyone who I can make such a deep and profound connection with,
You probably will always be my soul mate.
You were my poison, but you were also my muse.
I don't wanna make the same mistakes again, so I won't give up looking for my partner-for-life this time.
But giving up on everything that we had was probably the stupidest thing I have ever committed.
So I hope you're happy and blessed, wherever you go next in life.
Maybe with your stronger, more determined, and truer soul mate.

Love,

Your soul mate from the past.

Trapped.

Hello, old friend.

It's funny, really.

I know I'm not exactly the kind of person that looks forward to what's coming ahead.
But what I find really puzzling, is that I don't just stay in the past.
I stay in the same time period. All the time.

Let me put it this way.
Whenever I recall about the past; in both good and bad memories,
The one that has the most impact was the period from 2006 to 2011,
Namely my first 6 years in Singapore.

It's like no matter what I do, every time I reminisce about the past, memories from these days affected me the most deeply.
Those 6 years were like a drug that I know will do me no good, but I keep consuming either way.

The years before that, came in second as a group.
Yes, they hold memories dear to me too, both pleasant and painful.
Yet somehow, the time period afterwards, 2012 until now, were the years that I don't really want to reminisce.
The years in SUTD.

I'm not saying the memories I made here aren't worthy.
Neither am I saying that I don't make any happenings worth remembering.
It's just, I think they have they make less impact.
Putting it bluntly, I don't think I have been in touch with my emotional side while I'm here, for a few obvious reasons:
For not wanting to experience the same kind of emotional torture, and of course for having been occupied with tons of school work, which drains me every day.

Or is it because I just grow up a little more, and in the process discarding a lot of things I always did from way before?

Thinking about it tho, maybe the lack of emotional engagement from my side is the one causing me not to miss much of these years.
Suddenly, the love songs I have heard from many eons ago make a lot of sense.
As cheesy as it sounds, no pain means no gain.
I won't be able to experience the sweet, if I don't risk getting the bitter.

I find it irritating too that somehow everyone has moved on, while I seem to still being the one desperately, pointlessly clawing my way back to the past.
It feels as if I'm moving on a long tube forward, with a set of pistons constantly, perpetually pushing me forward despite my best effort to stop them from stopping, much less retaliating.
Everybody has changed, somehow, someway, somewhat.
Yes, my outward appearance and my logical side have changed slightly too.
But deep down, emotionally I still feel that I'm the same me from 2010.

That's why I still have the same few best friends (tho I think they might not think the same way as I do).
That's why I still enjoy hanging out at the places I too used to frequent.
That's why, deep down, all the scars remain unhealed.
And that's why I can still keep coming back here, and relating to everything.

I may be constantly moving forward as the clock is ticking,
But within the time period of 2006-2011 is where I'm constantly trapped.

Hi there, old friend.

The reason I haven't been visiting much lately, is because I haven't felt catasthropically emotional, for a long time.
Which is exactly my point here.


Once again, I felt that my life is quite the joke.


When I was younger, I was always looking for The One, always on the opportunity to fall in love hopelessly and shatter my heart again and again.
No matter how many times I destroyed my heart into pieces, I always managed to glue them back together to an almost perfect state, if not perfect. Always ready to fall in love again after I recovered.

But then I was taught, that love isn't the most important thing in life.
That even if you find who you're gonna give your heart to for the rest of your life, you need other things to keep your relationship sustained.
Let's face it, when you're young, everything about love is very fairy-tale-ish.
But as you grow up, you start to face every other responsibilities that life will give your way, realistically speaking.
You've gotta complete your education, find a job, become financially responsible, and then you can start building your own family. But until then, no. There's practically no use to find love.

And then there's another thing.
You watch documentaries, videos, or listening to speeches about how love is not just about finding a romantic partner.
But love can be classified into more branches.
Love for one's self, love for your family, for your friends, for animals, for Mother Nature, for God, for human being, for what you do, for life. Everything. You just name it.
So then you start to wonder if finding The One is always the most important thing in your life.


Both of which are what I faced.


For now, I've yet to find myself falling head-over-heels over someone in the longest period over my entire life.
I just feel like I am both not ready and  no longer deserve to fall for someone like that and give my everything for someone.

I don't really know why I feel this way to be honest.
It might be just the scars from all my past heartbreaks that just won't heal any further.
It might be the realities of life finally starting to sink into me.
It might just be that deep down inside, I'm now more afraid than ever to risk falling in love and getting hurt all over again, after so many times.
It might be the fact that I just finally love my own self more, when in the past I was always mean to myself and gave everything for others, who often were not worth my time, much less my heart.

I no longer feel that I need love, or need to look for love.
That, is one thing I do know.

Timing.

It has always been an on-and-off thing.

But now I wonder if it's now a stronger thing.

Because apparently I've been affected more than I ever realised.

Not sure if I just miss doing stuff like this or I just fell too early too hard again.

You practically appear on my mind alllllll the time.

And yes, yes I know this is probably still too early.

I should take it slowly.

But as usual, my feelings just wanna blast open outside.

(Heh, on a positive note, I guess I've truly moved on.)

When we stop talking, I've always found myself wondering what to say again to start.

And there's always a high possibility of you not feeling and/or wanting the same thing as I do.

Then there's always this feeling of being at a loss of what to do.

I guess I should just wait for the chance.

After all, when things are forced, it'll not work.

After all, timing is all it needs for everything to fall into place.

Told myself not to like you.
Not to have feelings for you.
I know I shouldn't.
But what the fuck happened?


Here I am, helpless once again.
Falling for you despite the danger of the pain.
You're a great friend that I found.
And I don't wanna burn what we have to the ground.


I've been feeling so much happiness today.
I want to see, and talk to you every day.
I know you don't see me as that kind of someone.
But I can't help wondering, what would happen if one day I ask you to be my only one.


But knowing what had happened in the past,
If I put another step forward it'll eventually tear me apart.
I guess I should be smart,
And realize there's no way you're gonna be my last.

I forgot how I ended up reading this dark archive again.
When all I should be doing is revising for my exams.




And then, there's only one conclusion that I arrived at.






Fuck feelings.

They change.
They poison.
They ruin.
They kill.


Fuck feelings.

The museum of the classified.

While halfway pondering about the existence of my different self, I suddenly came to a realization that this archive of pain, struggles, and locked memories seem pretty much like a museum to me.

Now that my first semester in university has officially ended, my other, darker self just can't wait to re-surface. In fact, it's been bugging me for the last few days, and my usual jovial self managed to slow it down.

Heh, it's like the Black and White. The existence of both is inevitable and there is a constant fight of these two ideas, yet both are dependent of each other.

I remember someone once said to me, that sometimes you just can't really get over stuff. And no matter what you do, in the end all you accomplish is locking up everything inside, not getting rid of them.

Maybe I now finally understand what that person meant.

I've not been moving on; I've just been caging all the stuff inside.

I thought it wouldn't break free. Well, now I found out that it just did.

At times like this I just wanna lock myself up from the rest of the world.

Blasting up my music,

Singing to myself,

Writing in this very space,

Playing some computer games,

Or maybe even venting out my anger by wrecking something.

Which I am now able to, thanks to the fact that people in the hostel are going back home, and that I no longer have anything to worry about academically. At least not for this short period of time.

Everybody else seems so happy that exams are over and holiday is here.

I know I have to be grateful. I honestly am.

I just can't be happy, knowing that I made another wrong move for my revision.

I just can't calm down, finding out that again I fall short on my own expectations.

I just can't stop wanting to punch something, realizing that these storms of dark, negative emotions are bursting out once again.

I just can't accept that after all this time, Time has yet to re-cure my wound. It just tore the stitch apart once again. 

And the worst part, is knowing that somewhere inside of me, I want someone to listen and to depend on.

Fuck this shit. I'm out.

The Mask.

Yes, it's back.

Putting a seemingly-formidable and brave front to the world.
But actually decaying slowly inside.
I'm sick of what I do myself.
But I don't think I've got much of a choice.

I tried to move on.

I do.

But it seems like the guilt stays deep inside.

Hidden, dormant.

But present.

I don't even know if I'll even recover from this.

Questions now arise.

Why did I do it from the start?

Why did I even risk it?

Why did I fall into the trap of my own feelings again?

Now I'm afraid to experience relationships again.

I know I shouldn't.

But the guilt, is just, so... overwhelming.

Everytime I thought I can continue my life without it, without you.

Your presence comes back, haunting every inch of my soul.

Moreover, my pathetic self just keeps condemning my mind.

"How could you be so cruel? Leading someone to your own life while thinking: We'll see what the future holds, but for now, let's just enjoy each other's company."

I was such a fucking idiot. And a fucking criminal.

I am so damn sure that now Karma will hunt me down any time.

Nobody can probably save me anymore.

It was a freaking dilemma.

I knew if I continued what I had, it won't lead to what I want.

Yet, I don't even know if this is the right decision either.

I guess I made the right call this time.

From now onwards,

I am not so sure anymore.

All I am certain about, is the fact that I'm damaged. Probably beyond repair.

I sure don't want to end up miserable like House.

But it looks like it's happening to me.

Hopefully, I won't start treating everyone around me horribly like he does.

Hopefully..

Hopefully...

*back to attempting to erase the guilt and your presence inside me*

Lockdown.

I thought, after a while since I last posted here, that I won't need this place ever again.
Because I can finally let go of negative emotions ravaging inside me.


But I'm wrong. As always.



Never expected that I would make this decision so soon.
Although the feeling's been telling me to talk it out for a while.
After all the journey we've had,
I decided to split, feeling like we are not meant for each other.

I expected that it would be really saddening.
But not this depressing.
Not this fatal inside me.


All the negative emotions I thought I had locked away ages ago, now burst back into life.



I know it's for the best.
But it is so hard.
So hard to recover that I don't know where to begin.
She was practically my everything.
And she was practically everywhere.


But I didn't regret a single decision I've made when I decided to follow my heart for her.
It just.. made me learnt about her, and about myself. The hard way.


That I wasn't ready for such long-term commitments.
That I'm pathetically unable to balance school, leisure, and relationship.
That I'm able of doing such cruel, devilish act of breaking someone's heart, something I loathe so much from my past.
Not just someone.
Someone who love me with all her heart, and trust me with all she has.


I'm not even in the mood for anything now.
Although I should probably be studying, or even having my dinner.
I just wanna cry myself to sleep.
Or punch, and/or break something.



It's so tempting to type "I miss you" and send to her now..
The separation is so strong and it's overwhelming me and breaking me apart.



I know it has to end sooner or later.
I know this is for the best.
I know this bad feeling will all fade away in time.
But it is just so hard to accept that this has to finally end.