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After finishing Life Is Strange: Before the Storm, I just discovered a chunk of emotions (and feels) that I thought I no longer usually feel.


And seeing how Max and Chloe recorded their thoughts in their journals as well as having their thoughts being voiced out loud during the course of the games (in their heads at least), it made me realise how much I haven’t been using my brain to record/process my emotions. And while it has been comfortable and peaceful at times, I think I wanna give it another shot. Not just for the sake of romantic relationships (like how it used to always happen for), but every other things I’m going through in my life.


That means being more conscious of my thoughts (hey, I remember this being part of my brain-over-heart goal I set for myself before), and penning down at least some remnants of my reflections throughout the day, starting today.


Thank you, Chloe Price, you inspired me.


Kev, the Ex Thoughts-Dweller



P. S. I don’t really feel like penning all these in my blogs; public nor private. Actually, maybe not even online. While a digital copy may be an easier way to archive and organise, a real scribble book or notebook might work better to achieve the purpose. We’ll see if there is a way that Uncle Google can find something combining these two online.

"Even if it's not intended as a message, it's a message nonetheless."

So fucking done with this nonsense.

Seriously, why do so many people do what they don't say, and say what they don't do?




After a rather spontaneous meet-up with the YOLO/Brotel gang earlier today, I went back with a few points on my mind




Many of us do not consider the fact that our actions and decisions can inflict damage to people around us.

We live in an era (or society, or environment) where people communicate based on mind games more than half of the time.

Emotional decisions can be consciously-driven too, and that putting the reasons on "genetics" or "being born/feeling this way" can in fact be a series of lame justifications and excuses.




So this time, I'm making the conscious decision to let go and walk the fuck away, despite my heart repeatedly telling me to re-consider giving it another chance.

Because I've really had enough of this mind-games situation where every attempt I make at finding out just gets repelled time and again.

(well, I guess that in itself is a message too. But you see what I'm doing here, bloggie? BACK AGAIN AT THE GUESSING GAME)

And I guess I just can no longer stand people who are not mature enough to confront, admit what they think and feel, and deal with them.

Yes that includes myself too, and that's why I now decide to deal with it and yank the hell out of the source.





No matter how excruciating this may feel at the moment, 
Even as I'm typing this with trembling limbs and eyes on the brink of tears,
I've never once needed your pity.
I really liked you, and I never thought I could finally open up my walls to someone like this again after so long.

But I cannot do this forever, not when you gradually torture me with your actions that make me question so many things.

Why does it turn out this way?

Did I ever do something wrong?

If there was nothing in the first place, then what did I see and feel when this all began?

Why do you seem to avoid me and my issue now?

Can I only be a second option?

Are you asking me to wait or are you asking me to fuck off?

Why do I have to guess everything?

Why. Did. I. Turn. Out. So. Insecure. And. Mentally-Insane?


Nonetheless,
I have faith that I'll get through this, and move on quickly.

Term 9 - Week 12 out 14.

I'm kinda annoyed and intrigued simultaneously at the fact that you managed to turn me inside out, bringing the side of me that I thought had long gone, or at least been stashed for a long, long time.


I was so used to my own, and was fine having no emotional investment and attachment whatsoever with anyone for as long as I can remember since I managed to move on by myself.


But now, now once again I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions; a torrent of hot and cold wave splashing all over; a dose of high and low that I never wanted to inject myself with.





The worst part is, I don't know how to handle, and what to do with my perpetually raging emotions.


I thought there was something there, so I got hopeful and attached without even realising it.
Then I thought it was just me being blinded with hormones, so I thought maybe I should move and and let go.
But just when I thought I was on the verge of moving on, the hopeful emotions all came back.
I don't even know whether to believe in myself anymore.
Heh it's funny. How come it feels like I'm describing what you told me a while ago about how confused that person has been making you feel, only that it's now happening to me?

What are you doing to me? What am I doing?





Okay fuck this. I guess these last 3 weeks of the semester is the most pressing issues at hand.


Talk soon, bloggie.

"what if you can never complete someone who completes you?"

Yes, it's about putting in the effort.
Yes, it's about consciously trying your best.
And yes, it's also about making that choice to be with the person.



But this doesn't have much of a point if this doesn't happen without the initial feeling,
The spark,
The force that tugs your heart at the gentlest way, yet is able to tear your soul apart from your body.



Because if making the choice consciously happens after the initial stages of being electrified with your own jolts of feelings,
There is a strong, and valid reason for pushing through with the choice,
Especially when the going gets tough.



After all, why force yourself to be with a person just because it seems to be the logical choice to do so,
Or when it only seems nice to return the favour that you receive,
From someone whose feelings only you were able to plant and extract out of him,
When at the same time someone else can give you the so out-of-this-world that everyone secretly wants but may never admit?




At the end of the day, it's about the feeling that only a certain someone can evoke out of you.

Hypothetical Scenario x, where x is a real number between 0 and 99.

"what do you like about her so much, really?"




"I could probably talk about the more superficial things like how my heart skipped a beat when I first saw her face because of how pretty she looks, even from way afar and when she hadn't even the slightest clue of my existence. Or I could also talk about how I couldn't bear to look at her for more than a few seconds in the eyes when we first met face to face at the band practice.


Or maybe I could talk about her personality; the way she works so hard in school that still blows me away to this day because I'm nowhere near half as hard working and that really inspired me to put in more effort in what I do now; the way she puts her family and the people dearest to her first above anyone else that makes me question the way I value my own family members and closest group of friends and wonder what it would feel like if I am ever included in that small circle of valuable people in her life.


But really, I guess it all boils down to the way she makes me feel an array of emotions that I never thought I still could. I mean, it's not every day you can find someone you really can see yourself opening up to. After the immense guilt I finally got over a few years after my last bad break up, as well as putting a closure to my own emotional bloodbath in trying to hold on to who I really considered a 'soulmate', I think I unconsciously was unable to open up to people I thought I liked and have deeper feelings for them. Somehow, despite all the fun in dates and constant text messages, I just wasn't able to see them as people I could pour my heart out to. I decided to stop looking altogether, and just enjoy my solitude, no matter how uneasy it can get at times.


With her though, as I gradually spent more time and got closer, I just had this sudden realization one night when I was smiling like an idiot that she felt (at least that's what my Heart told me) like someone I could really open up and be completely emotionally vulnerable to. And no matter how much I tried to shake the feeling, and despite the numerous counter-arguments my Brain attempted to throw at the issue, I can't. It just felt really amazing and I wanted to start all over again in having someone special in my life.


And that is why, in spite of the complications, and the emotional pain that I foresee will just get more frequent, as long as she has yet to say "No" to me explicitly and wants me out of the picture, I will continue to show her that I value her more than just any other person and be completely vulnerable and honest about my feelings. Because when you discover a treasure, you wouldn't discard it just because Life throws lemons at you without fighting back at the very least right?"

28 January 2016; 0413

The unplanned phone call that I made,

That I made when I finally mustered up my courage,

The courage that I couldn't bear to gather, knowing that there is a huge chance it will go down South,

Because somehow, deep down, I knew that it was gonna go that way.



Yet I did it anyway.

I poured the feelings that I've always had for a while already.

I might have hinted it from things that I've done before that day,

But that was the first time I made my feelings heard loud and clear.



In the movies, things would probably not go down so complicated.

It'd have been a simple yes-or-no kind of topic.

This time, though, it's lying so deep in the middle of the grey area,

A predicament ever so familiar, and a place I've probably been more times than I can remember.



And so here I go again,

Usually what comes next is the internal struggle of whether to hold on or to let go.

Because I know people don't really change the way they view you as a person,

And yet I'm already sinking too deep to just simply drop everything and move on.



The only difference this time though,

Is that I'm surprisingly able to balance my furnace of emotions,

Deep enough so it won't affect me from outside.

But fiery enough so that the feelings can continue to run, even if it's just for a while longer.

Hey there bloggie.



I've been quite an emotional wreck these couple of days.
And during Christmas time too. What a time huh.
When I was supposed to be happy and all too.


So it goes like this.


Remember how I told you that I've finally fallen for someone again, after so long?
Yeah and I did tell you that I was gonna take it easy too didn't I?

I thought I did, honestly.
Until recently.


Basically, I felt that after all the interactions that happened between us for 4 months, give or take,
I thought that we became closer.
And the feelings were starting to get mutual.
So I thought it was finally time to let her know about my feelings, directly.

But that was the problem.
You see, I THOUGHT the feelings were getting mutual.
I was looking at the situations through my own lens of feelings.
Not through the lens of objectivity.
And so when I felt that she's starting to talk like she no longer values me as much,
At first I believed that something was wrong, or at least there was something wrong that I did.

And then I looked back and I realised.
Wait a minute, no.
If I recalled the way she talked to me when we first got to know each other,
It is exactly the same as how she did now.
So in the process, there probably isn't anything hinting to me that there is something more than meets the eye.
No.
It was all in my head.
And forming my own expectations and having them unmet is what probably killed me.

This time I really caused the emotional wreck on my own.

She never asked me to continue talking to her.

She never asked me to be concerned.

She never asked me to be supportive to her. She probably didn't need mine, at the very least.

She never asked my help to stay up until the morning to help her with her work. I wanted that myself.

She never asked me to fall for her.

So what right do I have to want her to reciprocate my feelings?

Exactly.

What she thought of me has probably never changed.

I thought it did. So that's where I am wrong,


Haha you know I felt really stupid.
I told myself in the beginning that I should just take my time and not rush.
Indeed I never did.
But thinking about it now,
In order to save myself from hurting this bad again,
What I should have said to myself is:


"You should've used your head a little more than your heart."